Aibu to build an annexe for my (potential ex) husband?

[arethereanyleftatall]

1 week ago I found out my dh has had an affair for about a year with a work colleague, now finished (allegedly).
After a few days of expletives and tears, now trying to work out what to do and a plan has been mooted which may seem strange and unconventional, but could work perfectly for our particular situation...

Build an annexe within our house (with its own door outside) for him to live in.

By doing this:

1. The dcs lives don't change particularly. They can live with me and pop upstairs to see their dad whenever they like.
2. I will still get to do my hobbies, work evenings, go on dates (!! Should I wish to), go on holidays etc as current as he will be here to cover childcare. (Continue as usual, we're pretty fair).
3. Financially no one suffers, as we won't be running two houses.
4. I'll no longer have to do his washing or clean up his mess.

Divorce is my call, but dh suggests not triggering it until I need to (ie I find someone else, because financially it's better for me not to. His(our) investments (mainly his pension) are still growing and if we divorce I get 50% as it stands now, but they're accruing more all the time).

I should point out that I actually really like him. We're friends, co parent really well, co habit really well, both contribute (he wft good job, me part time term time only plus childcare/housework).
The only thing that didn't work was our mismatched sex drives (mine is low, I can totoally take or leave sex, which is why he looked elsewhere for a shag).

I'm not sure if I'm being naive, but this could work. Has anyone else done this?

I think you need to decide if the marriage is over or not- you've basically said "If I don't divorce him then he'll think he can do whatever he likes".
I'm not sure I agree- whilst an affair is deal-breaker for many, it isn't for everyone.

You say you love him, and he loves you. There's no 2 ways about it, he has behaved appallingly and fucked up massively, that's a given. There's no excuse for his behaviour. BUT for me the question is do you want to work on the marriage and do you think you can get past what he has done? If the answer to both of those is no- then divorce is the only way ahead. If the answer is yes, perhaps take some time to consider what you want and whether divorce is indeed the only option.

You know him- do you think he is genuinely sorry? Do you believe that he would take any attempt at forgiveness as carte blanche to do as he pleased in future? Sorry, it's a bit vague. I just think you know him best and only you can decide what is best for your future.

Divorce does need to be a disaster for you or your children- but make sure you get proper legal advice before making any decisions re living arrangements and so on. Equally, infidelity doesn't have to end in divorce for every couple- but for it to work, both parties have to want it to work and be committed to working on their marriage.

This kind of sounds like he gets to have his cake and eat it, and there aren't really any consequences of his YEAR LONG infidelity. He still gets to play happy families in his lovely house, and continue sleeping with his other woman, or many other women... if you weren't having sex anyway, how will your relationship change if he still effectively lives with you?

If you think it will work for you then go for it, but personally it looks to me like he gets to keep his nice life and continue his affair all with your blessing? It wouldn't be something I would be comfortable with.

OP, just to clarify because the advice you were given upthread about divorcing is not correct - if you want to divorce on the grounds of adultery, then yes, you can't live together as a couple for more than six months after you found out about.

But in practice, it's not worth filing on adultery grounds, and if you miss that six month deadline you can file any time you want to on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour", which can be almost anything. You do not have to wait 3-5 years! If you're happy to wait, once you've lived apart (i.e. not as a couple) for two years, you can file without having to blame either side for the divorce. More details here - www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

Be careful when people give you advice about this kind of thing on Mumsnet - everyone means well, but it's easy to get confused or misunderstand the law and accidentally give out duff info.

OP - I live with my ex-husband and we co-parent our child in our home. HOWEVER: we needed a total and clean break before we could do this, and we're both committed to our own personal paths of working through our childhoods, and the choices we made to get into the kind of situation that we did, together.

So things still come up, but they're settled almost immediately. There is no chance of its changing to something other than platonic - but that's something we feel on both sides. We've both had partners since starting this set-up, and the rule is that they don't stay here. It has worked well.

BUT - yes: that clean break needs to be done first. In hindsight, that required our living separately for two years before we made the decision to become house-mates.

Sounds like he's trying to buy some time to figure out how best to hide his assets so that they won't be factored in to the divorce settlement.

They did this on Grand Designs once I think.
I would only do this is the instance that someone else described, i.e the relationship had run it’s course and no resentment on either side.
If you still love each other then best to make a clean break.
Do your grieving and move on. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve much much better than this.

And just seen that his affair was a year long. How awful.Fuck no I wouldn’t be living around him any longer than I had to if I were you.

Vim.
I really don't think he is. He's not like that. (Yes, I appreciate the irony).
I've told him that I've written this thread, and he is fully supportive of my going to get legal advice. He is currently writing down all our assets now for me to take with.

Yes, he would have his cake and eat it if we do this. But that's fine if I also suits all of us too. No point spiting him if it results in everyone being worse off.

When DH first split with his ex they did "nesting" for the first 15 months post separation. It worked well at first but they found that as time passed and they became more emotionally separated from each other they needed that distance between them. The death knell was when DH met me and we started getting serious, his ex couldn't handle it emotionally (even though she'd had a new partner herself throughout).

When I first separated from my ex I joined a divorce forum, pretty much all of us on the board were absolutely adamant we wouldn't ever get seriously involved in a romantic relationship ever again. I've stayed in touch with many of those people and guess what, 7 years on and the vast majority of us have remarried or living with someone (I'm mid 40s now). Either you and/or exH (most likely exH first from what you say) will meet someone and there's no way he'll be "covering childcare" just to facilitate your work, hobbies, dates etc when he'll have a new person in his life he'll want to prioritise instead. That's when it'll all turn sour and get nasty. Plus your kids will really benefit from structured times for contact until they're older. I know you won't believe me about the new partner(s), I wouldn't have believed it myself at the time but it's way too early for you to be making decisions like this that will affect your long term future and living arrangements when the headspace you're in right now is a short-term reaction to something that's just happened. Things will move on driven either by you or your ex, trust me.

The affair was a year long, but on and off (apparently). Nothing too intense. It couldn't really be, he doesn't have much spare time.

Hats off to you OP. Refreshing to read about someone who doesn't want to go in all guns blazing.

I am sorry you've been so hurt. I hope your plans work out well.

My advice is not to rush into anything. Your feelings and emotions will change week on week. Divorce brings out the worst in people - he will start getting advice which will be about how to keep as much as possible from you. It becomes a game. If you can work something out between yourselves on paper and then each agree to do a mutually agreed divorce you might find less pain. Do get 'advice' from a lawyer, but don't necessarily feel you have to follow it. I had a dreadful divorce lawyer who was all about causing animosity. Moved to someone who kept asking me 'if we do that, how will EXH react?" or "If you do that, then you risk antagonising an already difficult situation". Basically she tried to ensure that I was going to come out of it still sane. It meant I had to give over on some things, but not on others. She kept me calm. Not all lawyers are like that. Do not underestimate how, once lawyers are involved, any friendliness between you may go out of the window. I would move forward with your annexe idea and then agree when you will both next talk about the way forward - eg end Feb, by which time you will be thinking a bit clearer and have a bit more knowledge. But do get a list of his assets asap!

Incidentally, is he quite cool about you separating or is he begging for forgiveness and a way back in?

He is leaving it completely up to me, putting nothing out there, he recognises it's my choice.

Do you have to split up? I know adultery is a deal breaker for most. But is it for you? You don't seem that angry, mainly sad.

Give yourself some time to think about whether your marriage could continue. Could you try sex therapy together or could you bear him being allowed to cheat within certain boundaries?

Don't be fussed about what other people would think. What do you want?

You mentioned how likely it is to meet someone else in your 40s. I am too. There are plenty of men in their 40s and 50s. I go on plenty of dates. I have a long term relationship with a very unsuitable man with whom I have a lot of fun. But like many others I know in their 40s, I prefer to live alone. my children are the same age as yours, maybe I will feel differently when they are older. Good luck whatever you decide.

When you make your plans and decisions now, you have to think longer term, everything you are saying is the easy route and trying to keep everything the same as much as possible, but its keeping you financially dependant on him. You need to make yourself financially independent as soon as possible, consider your pension arrangements etc.

When he has a new partner and your dc have grown up and left home in 12-15 years he wont be supporting you anymore or be quite as amicable about a split. If you have been focussing on being the main caregiver at home you need to get your career back on track now to support yourself in the future.

It doesn't sound like either of you really wants to get divorced. There are plenty of marriages which have moved on from affairs, many much longer than that. I know some people feel like infidelity automatically means the end, but others don't ; what do you want? Don't rush into divorce if you're not sure that's what you want.

But do get all that financial information now, and consider how to make yourself less vulnerable. If you do decide to stay with him, think of how you could protect your interests in case this happened again.

From what you've said about the annexe idea, the dwellings would be separate with separate front doors etc. Is that correct?

Op is he sorry? Does he want to split? Because it doesn't sound like you do. I never thought I'd say this but there are options to look into if you want to stay together.

One week seems a bit soon for such decisions. If poss to arrange around the DC, I think you need some time out from him and day to day life to think, plus see a solicitor and IFA. Good luck OP.

I think that's a huge decision to take right now. From a practical point of view an annexe won't necessarily add value to your house as it's quite a specific thing that not everyone wants. Also if you have a mortgage they sometimes won't allow an annexe with separate entrance and facilities due to the risk of sub
letting. I think you need some space and time before making any decisions like this.

Isn't that what Fergie and Andrew did?
They still share homes, and go out sometimes, but live their own lifes.
If you are friends with your ex it can work.

It sounds ok while the kids are young. But what if you can hear each other shagging through the walls? What if he tries to worm his way back in? I can see the boundaries blurring very quickly and him ‘popping round’ all the time.

It would be so confusing for your children.

No that would be awful. How will you have space to move on with your life if your husband is there? It would be more unhealthy for the kids than living separately IMO.

So far all I've said to the children is that I don't want to live with daddy any more but they still can see him. I don't think it'll be confusing, but maybe I'm naive.
I think if either of us started to seriously see anyone else, this would need a rethink, but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

i am so very grateful to everyone who's taken the time to respond on this thread. So many different opinions and some valid things to think about. I really like the advice to do what's right for us, and not worry about what other people think. Thank you Clare.

He's home for Christmas as my family are here and I don't want to tell them or spoil the girls Christmas. I will ask him to move out for a week after they've gone, to give myself some space to think. When he's here, all I can think of is that I want to stay with him. He's being brilliant, running around doing whatever I ask him to.