To not want to look after my mother?

[sanityisamyth]

I have 2 sisters. Both younger than me. I am 34, one is 32 and the other is 28. Our parents separated and divorced when I was 10, and we moved 150 miles from where we grew up to where my mother still lives, which was the village where she grew up, as there was more family around.

From when I was 10, my mother left all of us home alone to look after ourselves (bearing in mind my youngest sister was 4), including cooking etc. whilst she went to work.

My middle sister (2 years younger than me) is psychotic. There is no other word for it. She has multiple neuroses that we had to deal with when she was growing up (my youngest sister being made of slime, and she couldn’t touch her directly, or anything she’d come into contact with; she couldn’t see the soles of anyone’s feet; you had to shut the bathroom door in a particular way or she’d have a huge tantrum. The list is endless).

She was also a thief, stealing any food from the fridge that she fancied. There was never very much in there but it was usually yoghurts and things for my lunch (so I always went to school with no food for the day). She would steal valuable things and sell them at school too - she took my mothers engagement ring to primary school and sold it to a friend. Luckily their mother found it and gave it back.

She was also exceptionally violent towards me. She would push me down the stairs on a near daily basis; grab my hair to pull my hair back and hold a knife to my throat, then telling me to lie on the floor whilst she kicked me black and blue; she sprayed aerosols into my eyes at point blank range (literally holding my head in a vice like grip); she dropped a sledgehammer over my head (which I only dodged as the sun came out and I saw her shadow moving towards me up the wall) - it was meant to kill me. She also put cigarettes out on my arms too.

She has subsequently been expelled from 2 schools, thrown out of the Royal Navy for violence and in prison for GBH.

Never once did I get any protection or support from my mother. I made sure that my youngest sister was safe and unharmed.

I was also raped when I was at uni, 500 Miles away from home. I called Mother to tell her what happened and she replied “at least he didn’t strangle you afterwards” then hung up on me.

My mother seems to worship her 2 other daughters. When she’s talking to me, she’ll refer to “her ex-husband” (my father) and “her girls” (my sisters) like I’m a work colleague?! I am never invited to family events (apart from a BBQ a couple of times, and even then my aunt said “she didn’t have much choice”) and even tonight my mother and 2 sisters were at a carol concert I knew nothing about.

My youngest sister has just been in New Zealand for 10 months, and will be moving out to the Middle East for 2 years on a teaching contract. She has come home to find the house literally covered in dog poo (mother’s dog has been incontinent for months). She had taken the dog to be put down and now told me she needs to get Mother some help to look after the house.

When I was living there (but paying rent) I did all of the cleaning, tidying, polishing of the furniture. Mother never lifted a finger. My youngest sister had taken over (she lived there rent free). My mother hasn’t lifted a finger ever to clean or tidy anything. Ever. The house has been gathering dust and shit for 10 months.

My step mother told me last night that I need to help out more as I love closest. My sister has sent me a message to say “I guess I’m dealing with this one then 😂” like a bloody martyr.

I am a single mother with a 3 year old, working 6 days a week. I have literally paid my way through life. I have never been given any support from my
Mother. Even my work cheques were paid to E surname, as we share the same initial so the cheques could be paid into her bank.

My mother paid for youngest sister to fly back from New Zealand so she could be home for Christmas.

She paid for an all inclusive holiday to Rome for my psychotic sister and her to go on.

She promises me £50 for my son’s shoes (I never asked for the money as I don’t want it) but she keeps saying she can’t afford to give it to me yet.

AIBU to just ignore the whole fucking lot of them?

Do you get anything from contact with your family at all? They sound horrible.

Oh wow OP. Sending you a huge hug. Just run, take your child,delete these people's numbers from your phone. Live your life among those who love and care for you. You deserve so much more. Leave them to their chaos.

Gosh, I’m truly gobsmacked by your post. The thing that stands out for me is the violence from your sister towards you - did you talk to anyone about what happened? Have you had any counselling over the years? Either way, they sound bonkers and horrible. Ignore the lot of them and move away. Far away!! (Hugs in the meantime)

Thanks guys. My dad and step-Mother are good to me but live 300 miles away. They’re also very supportive of my psychotic sister (paid for seriously expensive barristers etc for her 2 court cases (she was acquitted for GBH with intent for a separate case as they couldn’t come to a decision and they’d got the other person involved already).

I’ve tried to tell them how much she’s hurt me and the only response I get is “it was a long time ago, get over it”.

I’m not going for Christmas with them this year for the first time in ages which is a massive relief.

I had some counselling for what she’s done but it didn’t really help. I’m still massively angry and hurt about how I’m the one excluded from everything and how she’s the centre of attention and everyone loves her.

You sound as though you have a lot on your plate single mother and working 6 days. .do not feel guilted into doing something you can’t and don’t want to do. Let your 2 sisters who your mother worships do it

I would cut them out. Who needs that in their life? It sounds toxic and horrible. You sound like you've made it to where you are pretty much on your own two feet and you sound more than capable of living without these so-called family members in your life.

Thanks. Good advice. They’ll make me feel guilty for not helping. Need to be brave and stand firm!

They may try to , make you feel guilty but that will only work if you allow it .
You can’t change how other people act but you can change how you react to it. Disengage from them and the negative behaviour.

Don’t look after her then. I’m the family scapegoat. My mother is having an operation soon and I have ME so I can’t look after her, which is a relief. You reap what you sow.

I have had a lot of counselling and therapy. With a number of people. If it didn’t work, it’s not you, it’s either the counsellor, who didn’t have the expertise/experience or your relationship or you stopped too soon. If it is the latter, we often run away when the going gets too tough.

Oops ME as in chronic fatigue syndrome and am too ill myself.

Can't believe how they are treating you, OP, your childhood sounds truly horrific.

I second what everyone else has said - cut contact. Please remind yourself, often of how strong and special you are.

I hope you have supportive friends who treat you well.

There really are some amazingly strong people on here and you are one of them.

Sorry you went through that OP, truly terrible. I'd cut the whole lot of them off, change phone number etc. Then concentrate on yourself and your son. You don't own them anything, especially anymore of your precious time. Best wishes.

You owe them nothing, OP.

When you can, change your number and your address, give your dad a number for a disposable mobile/cheap sim and cut the fuckers out of your life, they are all abusive shits and unless you want your son exposed to that you have to make a change.

My god no you are absolutely not BU. You've done enough of your mother's cleaning in this lifetime.

Can I ask is there actually any reason she can't do her own cleaning? Is she actually poorly? Or does she just not clean? It's amazing (but also not surprising IYSWIM - all dysfunctional families do this stuff) that your sister and stepmother are trying to pull you into this discussion about who is going to do your mother's housework, and neither of them has thought about tackling your mother - telling her she needs to employ a cleaner or a home help or heaven forfend, maybe actually get up and do a bit of cleaning herself. And I bet they try quite hard not to think about why they would rather not confront her.

You've been let down by the whole shower of them. What was your dad doing in all this? Did he have contact with you when you were a child? He must have known about the neglect, and did nothing?

Resist all their guilt trips. This is absolutely not your problem.

Another voice saying that now is the time to go NC for your own sanity.

OP what comes out of your post for me is that you should be incredibly proud of the life you have made for yourself and your child in the mist of all of this.

My advice would be to step away and move away if you can - I would text or call the youngest sister to say why - your mother doesn’t act as if you are part of the family so would surely not expect you to provide a caring role, given the money for holidays and flights a paid Carer should be able to help and finally a reminder you work 6 days a week to care for your DC - and I might also throw I that your spare money goes on counciling due to your violent child hood and rape.

Then go NC unless you want to keep a relationship with your youngest sister. There seems to be an unbelievable amount of brushing under the carpet so I would make it clear to everyone where you stand on this and why.

As for the step mum saying to get over your childhood experiences is she aware of all the details you have shared here? If not providing some detail esp around your sister trying to kill you should be shared I think.

Walk away no scrap that fucking run!!! This is a disgrace you have been used and abused, seen as a scapegoat for your whole life by your mother. I'm sad your younger sister is trying to guilt you into looking after that vile woman but it sounds like maybe you did a lot of protecting growing up so doesn't quite see her in the same light as you. Decline and say you are done.

Let her rot in her shit riddled house you owe her nothing!!! Sorry that might sound harsh and I know she probably needed to go out to work to maintain a roof over your heads but to not get your middle sister any help is a disgusting and to let you shoulder that abuse is crazy.

To ignore you when you call her about being raped?!? I just can't even go there. I feel for you that you still after all the years of her letting you down needed her to be a mum at that point and hoped even then she could show some compassion or maternal instinct.

I'm so sorry about all this. Please if possible and I realise you have your hands full with your child and working 6 days try and get some counselling probably leaning towards ptsd treatment as no matter how long ago it was " you do not need to just get over it" . This has formed you as a person and you need to be able to come to terms with it and have some tools to be able to manage going forward. I'd honestly say going nc with them all would be no lose.

Loss*

Take a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. On the left write a list of the positives you gain from your family. On the right the negatives. Be honest.

When you've finished you should have a much clearer picture of where you stand and what to do.

I am so sorry for your loss (I hope that sentence makes sense in English in this context. I mean, for not having received the consideration and caring every child but also adult deserves)

YANBU. Please protect yourself (your MH) for your sake and the sake of your DC. And no, you don’t own them anything.
Not because your mother had to go out to work (I’m guessing she had to do that to so you had food on the table etc) but because she didn’t protect you from your sister and her reaction to hearing that you were raped is absolutely unacceptable.

You sound like a really great and strong person. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

My advice would be to step away and move away if you can - I would text or call the youngest sister to say why - your mother doesn’t act as if you are part of the family so would surely not expect you to provide a caring role, given the money for holidays and flights a paid Carer should be able to help and finally a reminder you work 6 days a week to care for your DC

I agree with this. ^

YANBU, no.
Sounds like your mother never looked after you, and you've looked after your siblings your whole life up until when you went your separate ways, so no, you owe them nothing now.

Your stepmother should keep her beak out, quite frankly. She and your Dad probably think you're exaggerating about your middle sister because they wouldn't be able to believe that anyone could be that awful, without seeing it for themselves (which they never would have by the sound of it). They probably think it's just normal sibling stuff that you've blown out of proportion and are hanging on to like a grudge. They aren't going to change their minds without hard evidence, which it's unlikely that you have.

Your youngest sister though - does she not remember any of this? Was she not persecuted by your middle sister at all? Or has she taken the family line that it's all best left swept under the carpet?

I'm sorry you're in this position but I think you're right to take another step away and say No, you're not doing it.

Step away, cut off your mother and sisters and concentrate on your life with your ds.

Tell your stepmother to stay out of it as well, what gives her the right to tell you what to do regarding your fucking awful Mother?

I think I remember you posting before. I think you need to make it clear that you will never look after your mother. She did not look after you when you were a child and neither did your father (it is worth remembering).

YANBU and if I were you I would be NC with family that have been so awful to you