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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to look after my mother?

96 replies

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 05:39

I have 2 sisters. Both younger than me. I am 34, one is 32 and the other is 28. Our parents separated and divorced when I was 10, and we moved 150 miles from where we grew up to where my mother still lives, which was the village where she grew up, as there was more family around.

From when I was 10, my mother left all of us home alone to look after ourselves (bearing in mind my youngest sister was 4), including cooking etc. whilst she went to work.

My middle sister (2 years younger than me) is psychotic. There is no other word for it. She has multiple neuroses that we had to deal with when she was growing up (my youngest sister being made of slime, and she couldn’t touch her directly, or anything she’d come into contact with; she couldn’t see the soles of anyone’s feet; you had to shut the bathroom door in a particular way or she’d have a huge tantrum. The list is endless).

She was also a thief, stealing any food from the fridge that she fancied. There was never very much in there but it was usually yoghurts and things for my lunch (so I always went to school with no food for the day). She would steal valuable things and sell them at school too - she took my mothers engagement ring to primary school and sold it to a friend. Luckily their mother found it and gave it back.

She was also exceptionally violent towards me. She would push me down the stairs on a near daily basis; grab my hair to pull my hair back and hold a knife to my throat, then telling me to lie on the floor whilst she kicked me black and blue; she sprayed aerosols into my eyes at point blank range (literally holding my head in a vice like grip); she dropped a sledgehammer over my head (which I only dodged as the sun came out and I saw her shadow moving towards me up the wall) - it was meant to kill me. She also put cigarettes out on my arms too.

She has subsequently been expelled from 2 schools, thrown out of the Royal Navy for violence and in prison for GBH.

Never once did I get any protection or support from my mother. I made sure that my youngest sister was safe and unharmed.

I was also raped when I was at uni, 500 Miles away from home. I called Mother to tell her what happened and she replied “at least he didn’t strangle you afterwards” then hung up on me.

My mother seems to worship her 2 other daughters. When she’s talking to me, she’ll refer to “her ex-husband” (my father) and “her girls” (my sisters) like I’m a work colleague?! I am never invited to family events (apart from a BBQ a couple of times, and even then my aunt said “she didn’t have much choice”) and even tonight my mother and 2 sisters were at a carol concert I knew nothing about.

My youngest sister has just been in New Zealand for 10 months, and will be moving out to the Middle East for 2 years on a teaching contract. She has come home to find the house literally covered in dog poo (mother’s dog has been incontinent for months). She had taken the dog to be put down and now told me she needs to get Mother some help to look after the house.

When I was living there (but paying rent) I did all of the cleaning, tidying, polishing of the furniture. Mother never lifted a finger. My youngest sister had taken over (she lived there rent free). My mother hasn’t lifted a finger ever to clean or tidy anything. Ever. The house has been gathering dust and shit for 10 months.

My step mother told me last night that I need to help out more as I love closest. My sister has sent me a message to say “I guess I’m dealing with this one then 😂” like a bloody martyr.

I am a single mother with a 3 year old, working 6 days a week. I have literally paid my way through life. I have never been given any support from my
Mother. Even my work cheques were paid to E surname, as we share the same initial so the cheques could be paid into her bank.

My mother paid for youngest sister to fly back from New Zealand so she could be home for Christmas.

She paid for an all inclusive holiday to Rome for my psychotic sister and her to go on.

She promises me £50 for my son’s shoes (I never asked for the money as I don’t want it) but she keeps saying she can’t afford to give it to me yet.

AIBU to just ignore the whole fucking lot of them?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 19:57

But regardless of the word used, you definitely need to avoid your family, they have caused you so much harm, you would have nothing to feel guilty about if you never saw those people again.

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 20:01

Not sure controlling ExH would let me move far with DS. Got a good network of friends and a nice job and school for DS now as well. Will see what is out there though :)

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 23/12/2017 20:03

YANBU-just don't. And maybe tell your SM to mind her own business for good measure.

AmysTiara · 23/12/2017 20:07

Your family are awful and your step mother needs to mind her own fucking business.

eddielizzard · 23/12/2017 20:18

it would be detrimental to your health and your child to get involved in your mum's problems. you sound like an amazing sister, and while your youngest sister doesn't really understand the full extent of the situation, you did your best by her.

they are really not your problem anymore, no matter how much they try to guilt trip you. your priority is your child and that's it. you're working 6 days a week. your child must have the 7th. not your emotionally abusive mum and sister. and your dad and stepmum are trying to get you to toe the line because it's more convenient.

ignore the bloody lot of them.

JustHope · 23/12/2017 20:38

You’ve done absolutely everything and had nothing in return. Walk away guilt free and look after yourself so that you can be the best you can be for your DS. They are not worthy of any of your time or help.

StormTreader · 23/12/2017 20:53

"you'll have to help since you're closest"
"why on earth would I want to do that?"
"because she's your mother!"
"she never acted like a mother to me"

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/12/2017 20:55

Step right back.

Your younger sister is moving abroad for two years very soon. And your step mother is telling you that you need to do more for your mother and middle sis. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to see the connection. It's dawned on your father and DSM that if you don't do it, they're going to get landed with the problem. They may even (God forbid!) have to have middle sis some of the time, or at least be more involved. Don't give them the get out of jail free card they're looking for.

PsychedelicSheep · 23/12/2017 21:22

‘Psychosis’ is the preferred term these days for schizophrenic type illnesses. So if she has this dx then it’s entirely appropriate to use this word.

scotchpie · 23/12/2017 23:17

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, you sound lovely OP.

Stay away and go NC, don't feel guilty. not sure if this has been mentioned but does Step Mum know how badly you were treated by DSis &
DM?

Butterymuffin · 23/12/2017 23:33

Yes, as above, these people are all looking to offload the dirty work of caring for your mother onto you. Don't let them.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2017 01:08

OP please get therapy to help you mentally and emotionally. You need to prioritize yourself and your child.

You do not need to justify yourself to anyone but if you choose to by all means explain to your step mother and younger sister the hell you went though.

I really feel you need to go no contact eith your mum and middle sister, or low contact if this is better for you (e.g. a phone call once a year to know who is still alive).

Choose how you will relate to your dad, step mum and younger sister, on your terms, as an adult.

Your mum let you down. Your dad let you down. So did your step mum.

You describe your sister's behaviour how ever feels appropriate to you, you lived through it.

But please do not, under any circumstances, bend or change your life plans to help or assistance those family members who failed you so miserably.

Good luck.

I really think you need to break free for the sake of you and your child

Tell your youngest sister all you need to tell her but at the end of the day she is an adult now.

It is none of your step mum's business!

No one gets to tell you what up do. (So ignore me if I am speaking out of turn!)

Flowers
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2017 06:33

Your parents neglected all of their children, didn’t they? You, your middle sister for not getting her psychiatric help and your younger sister for abandoning her and leaving you to be the parent. How very sad.

You are the strong one and that is why you are being ignored and left out and picked on. You want to recognise the truth and they do not. With a mother like this, it is perhaps normal that your younger sister is denying the truth.

In this context, I don’t know what speaking out to your youngest sister will do. I think she is most likely to deny reality. Or superficially accept it if you decide to talk. Then go back to how it was before and go back into denial. So if you do decide to take this route, please protect yourself first.

sanityisamyth · 24/12/2017 08:46

Thanks again everyone :) it’s hard today knowing that Dad, step mum and both sisters are together, literally playing happy families but I also know that it’s not worth the stress, anxiety and paranoia that being around younger sister (and her boyfriend apparently this year) would bring. I’m bloody glad I said no to going up. They didn’t try very hard to persuade me so it’s probably easier for them too!

Am looking forward to a lovely Christmas walk later (going to attempt Exmoor with DS who hates walking!) and then Christmas Day with friends tomorrow. It’s then DS’s 4th birthday so going to Centre Parcs for 3 days with other friends to celebrate. Can’t wait!!

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 24/12/2017 10:45

Sanity that sound lovely.

My mum is very similar to yours and I had a very abusive middle sibling and a much younger sibling to look after. I have to admit there were a lot of similarities.

I went nc my life is massively better without the toxicity

Have a lovely Christmas.

Saladtongs · 24/12/2017 11:23

Sounds like both your mother and sister number 2 have serious mental health issues. Can an adult social services referral be made for your mother particularly because she's living in squalor? That way you don't have to do anything, let social Services deal with it.

expatinscotland · 24/12/2017 11:39

'Can an adult social services referral be made for your mother particularly because she's living in squalor? That way you don't have to do anything, let social Services deal with it.'

Maybe it can, but it's not for the OP to do. That will give them the idea that she's the carer of this person, who in truth isn't a mum other than having given birth to her.

With relatives like this, you can't stick your hand in the crazy. You have to leave 'em to it and cut them a very wide berth if you can't go NC entirely.

Saladtongs · 24/12/2017 11:48

Yes I meant that your sister should do this op not you, that wasn't clear in my post. Both your mum & sister sound mentally ill and need intervention from the authorities not you.

RavingRoo · 24/12/2017 17:01

When your sister comments, just reply and say the day you three do something good for me the favour will be returned. Alternatively ghost them. It doesn’t sound like a healthy family dynamic.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2017 18:59

OP your Christmas sounds wonderful, great that you have so much planned.

Choose yourself how much you will tell your younger sister (or anyone else). You do not need to explain your actions unless you wish to, and even when doing so you can always say "you know I looked after you daily as a child. I don't owe you an explanation. I won't be caring for mum. You ring social services nd explain."

Flowers
eddielizzard · 24/12/2017 19:10

that's the spirit! you have your own wonderful family, and friends who really care about you. spend time with people who love you and want the best for you.

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