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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to look after my mother?

96 replies

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 05:39

I have 2 sisters. Both younger than me. I am 34, one is 32 and the other is 28. Our parents separated and divorced when I was 10, and we moved 150 miles from where we grew up to where my mother still lives, which was the village where she grew up, as there was more family around.

From when I was 10, my mother left all of us home alone to look after ourselves (bearing in mind my youngest sister was 4), including cooking etc. whilst she went to work.

My middle sister (2 years younger than me) is psychotic. There is no other word for it. She has multiple neuroses that we had to deal with when she was growing up (my youngest sister being made of slime, and she couldn’t touch her directly, or anything she’d come into contact with; she couldn’t see the soles of anyone’s feet; you had to shut the bathroom door in a particular way or she’d have a huge tantrum. The list is endless).

She was also a thief, stealing any food from the fridge that she fancied. There was never very much in there but it was usually yoghurts and things for my lunch (so I always went to school with no food for the day). She would steal valuable things and sell them at school too - she took my mothers engagement ring to primary school and sold it to a friend. Luckily their mother found it and gave it back.

She was also exceptionally violent towards me. She would push me down the stairs on a near daily basis; grab my hair to pull my hair back and hold a knife to my throat, then telling me to lie on the floor whilst she kicked me black and blue; she sprayed aerosols into my eyes at point blank range (literally holding my head in a vice like grip); she dropped a sledgehammer over my head (which I only dodged as the sun came out and I saw her shadow moving towards me up the wall) - it was meant to kill me. She also put cigarettes out on my arms too.

She has subsequently been expelled from 2 schools, thrown out of the Royal Navy for violence and in prison for GBH.

Never once did I get any protection or support from my mother. I made sure that my youngest sister was safe and unharmed.

I was also raped when I was at uni, 500 Miles away from home. I called Mother to tell her what happened and she replied “at least he didn’t strangle you afterwards” then hung up on me.

My mother seems to worship her 2 other daughters. When she’s talking to me, she’ll refer to “her ex-husband” (my father) and “her girls” (my sisters) like I’m a work colleague?! I am never invited to family events (apart from a BBQ a couple of times, and even then my aunt said “she didn’t have much choice”) and even tonight my mother and 2 sisters were at a carol concert I knew nothing about.

My youngest sister has just been in New Zealand for 10 months, and will be moving out to the Middle East for 2 years on a teaching contract. She has come home to find the house literally covered in dog poo (mother’s dog has been incontinent for months). She had taken the dog to be put down and now told me she needs to get Mother some help to look after the house.

When I was living there (but paying rent) I did all of the cleaning, tidying, polishing of the furniture. Mother never lifted a finger. My youngest sister had taken over (she lived there rent free). My mother hasn’t lifted a finger ever to clean or tidy anything. Ever. The house has been gathering dust and shit for 10 months.

My step mother told me last night that I need to help out more as I love closest. My sister has sent me a message to say “I guess I’m dealing with this one then 😂” like a bloody martyr.

I am a single mother with a 3 year old, working 6 days a week. I have literally paid my way through life. I have never been given any support from my
Mother. Even my work cheques were paid to E surname, as we share the same initial so the cheques could be paid into her bank.

My mother paid for youngest sister to fly back from New Zealand so she could be home for Christmas.

She paid for an all inclusive holiday to Rome for my psychotic sister and her to go on.

She promises me £50 for my son’s shoes (I never asked for the money as I don’t want it) but she keeps saying she can’t afford to give it to me yet.

AIBU to just ignore the whole fucking lot of them?

OP posts:
PinkietheElf · 23/12/2017 10:08

I would guess that both your parents are to blame for the present scenario (perhaps not the middle DDs psychosis) but all the other horrible behaviour of your DSiss.

OK DF gave money but that isn't parenting.

You need to stay away imv. You will be coerced, forced or guilted into taking on and looking after your evil mother if you don't stand firm now. Kindly careworkers provided by the state are a thing of the past. Setting up cleaners and carers is alot of organising which goes on and on as needs change or carers leave. In between you will have to take up the slack.

Just practise saying no you are very busy with your own life and child - which is absolutely true. What you give to these selfish people you would be taking from your own DC.

I don't know how you move on from cruel treatment in your past - you could try googling EMDR therapy and read The Untethered Soul both of which helped me.

KC225 · 23/12/2017 10:08

Your child and you are your first priority. I do not think it is your Step Mothers place to tell you to step.

Be guilt free, you have done your bit, that list is shocking. Walk away, your mother is never going be to be grateful or even recognise all you have done. Do not get dragged in again. It will be a long road to heartache and you will hate yourself for it.

If your family made comments stand firm 'I've done my time, it's someone else's turn.'

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 23/12/2017 10:15

If you don't put yourself first, no one else will.. You do you and your DS, the others can take care of themselves. They are adults, you are not responsible for them, their shortcomings or their feelings. Your mother is not a mother to you. Big hugs.

nakedscientist · 23/12/2017 10:26

You are In a very difficult position, with no simple answers. By the sound of it your mother is likely to have MH issues too.
You are the eldest and seem very conflicted (not surprising) in terms of wanting to be included and wanting to run away.
Maybe give yourself some breathing space for now and when you have the mental energy, talk things over with younger sis and also get some decent counselling which you need and deserve.

TheVanguardSix · 23/12/2017 10:27

Ignore.
Go NC. Never look back.

Maybe even NC with dad and stepmother too because, as nice as they are, they will never understand where you're coming from. They haven't yet. It's unlikely they'll have a light-bulb moment and realise where you've been coming from all of these years. You don't need to be coerced into looking after your mum by anyone. And you don't need to feel guilty about this.

You lost your family years ago. Any bereavement you will go through will be a delayed reaction to the realisation of what you never had. What you deserve is to build on what you have and who you are now. You have the strength. You have your child. And you have a life ahead of you which will see more loving, generous-hearted people come into it. Build your own village.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2017 10:32

Wow. This is just shocking to read. Sanity I pretty much never say go NC but with a family like this? Go NC! Seriously you need to find a way to stop caring what your younger sister might say, what other people might think, you will NEVER get what you need from these people.

Your younger sister is probably too messed up by her childhood and likely still sees you in the "parent" role, your father and stepmother would have to acknowledge that they failed you in order to validate your feelings about what happened to you so that doesn't seem likely does it? This fucked up dynamic will just carry on.

It's horrible and it must hurt so much but allowing yourself to stay enmeshed with these people will imo just cause you more hurt. You making the decision that you no longer want to be involved with them would be you taking back control, they'd no longer have the power to hurt you with their words or their indifference, you wouldn't expend mental energy on what they might be thinking or saying, you'd be free of them.

LannieDuck · 23/12/2017 10:40

I know it's difficult because you have a LO, but if I were you I would move far, far away.

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 16:07

Thanks for all the replies today. It’s lovely to read such support and compassion. I haven’t had any signal today as a friend took me out to lunch in a little pub and we put the world to rights!!! X

OP posts:
Hopeful103 · 23/12/2017 16:17

Ok it's not the mn thing here but sending you a hug. That sounds horrific . You are absolutely justified in never wanting to have anything to do with them again. You may be blood but you certainly don't need to be tied to them. You have your own family, you and dc.

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 16:30

@Hopeful103 thanks for the hug - always appreciated even if they're not the done thing

OP posts:
spankhurst · 23/12/2017 16:39

Just because you are related to people doesn't mean they get to be part of your life. They sound toxic. And I wouldn't want my child within a mile of your violent sister. Sounds like you get nothing but pain from your family dynamic.Flowers

Mazza10 · 23/12/2017 16:58

Cut them off. What do you have to lose other than your own sanity? Don't believe this blood is thicker than water twaddle - it's not. You wouldn't accept this treatment from a friend, so why would you accept it from them?

You have gone through so much struggle and saddness in your life, it's time to put your self and your child first. You do deserve happiness and the liberation of leaving a crap family behind. Wishing you the best.

Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 17:16

Your family have treated you really badly, I'm sorry, I would go NC. Your DC is your priority now and I certainly wouldn't allow her to be anywhere near your violent sister or the rest of them.

I recommend the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, which is there for people with toxic families. I've found it really helpful. Thanks

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 17:26

It’s a very good thread @Lizzie48! Definitely a fair few similarities and makes me feel better!

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 23/12/2017 17:37

What a horrible situation! I'd leave the lot of them in their own mess, both literally and metaphorically. You are never going to please these people however much you do, so you should be doing what you know is the right thing for you and your child.

ScipioAfricanus · 23/12/2017 17:38

You should have been protected in your childhood by your parents, and you do not owe them a thing.

I suspect your dad and you her sister choose to minimise your other sister’s behaviour towards towards you as a child because it is easier for them and otherwise they (especially your dad) would feel responsible, and he wants to avoid the guilt he would then feel. Your mother sounds very unbalanced like your sister so no wonder she scapegoats you.

I think you should have counselling if you can try again, for longer as other posters have suggested, or a different kind (there’s an eye movement one for trauma which has been recommended to me and can be effective in a short space of time, apparently). You have done so well to get through that childhood and treatment.

I hope you can get free of the demands of the family who haven’t looked after you and concentrate on your DC and have the Christmas and life you deserve.

RoseWhiteTips · 23/12/2017 17:42

YANBU. I would want nothing to do with them.

BewareOfDragons · 23/12/2017 17:51

I would go NC and block all of them on every electronic media bit you use.

I would also move.

Go live your life with your DD.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/12/2017 17:52

I am sorry for what you went through but please look up the true meaning of the word psychotic - i use the word daily in the correct context - the context in which you have used it is offensive to those with mental illness.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2017 18:28

NFW! Get over to the Stately Homes threads and do not look after this woman or your sister.

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 18:41

@NoMudNoLotus My younger sister is strongly suspected of having schizophrenia, with an aunt having diagnosed schizophrenia.

I looked up the definition “relating to, denoting, or suffering from a psychosis.
"a psychotic disturbance"
synonyms: severely mentally ill, insane, mad, certifiable, deranged, demented, of unsound mind, out of one's mind, not in one's right mind, not together, crazed, lunatic, unbalanced, unhinged, unstable, disturbed, distracted, stark mad, maniac, maniacal, manic, frenzied, raving, distraught, frantic, hysterical, delirious”

I forget the number of times that I would be having a rational conversation with her and then I saw her eyes change in a way I can’t even explain. In that split second you had a choice - run away or get attacked with a knife, fingernails, sledgehammer, aerosol, brick whatever she could get her hands on at the time.

My option was never run away as I had a child to look after, namely my other sister who was 5.5 years younger than me.

I would, at that point in time when her eyes change, describe her as “unstable, unhinged, of unsound mind” etc.

What would you describe her as?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 18:57

I think the reason for NoMudNoLotus's reaction is that there is so often a stigma against those who have been diagnosed as being psychotic. The vast majority are not violent, apart from against themselves.

sanityisamyth · 23/12/2017 19:39

I like so @Lizzie48 but I’m not sure she’s having a go at the right person this time!! X

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 19:50

I agree, sanityisamyth, but it's probably better to avoid using the word 'psychotic' without defining clearly what you mean by it. There's so much stigma around mental illness, and the word is so often misused.

FreeNiki · 23/12/2017 19:53

Run. Can you move away?

Would your dad help you?

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