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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd’s DM has sent her with two big bottles of cider.

92 replies

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:35

Can I just preface this with saying I’m not usually a ‘pearl clutcher’. I used to drink a fair bit in my teens though not much at all anymore.

I’m well aware it is legal to give fifteen year olds a drink if you do wish in your own house.

But I am fuming.

Dsd is mentally very, very unwell at the moment. Far more that just a bit of depression. I don’t want to put any more details than that really. But trust me when I say she is in a very delicate state at the minute.

Dsd turned up with mil and two big glass bottles of cider for her to drink over Christmas.

I told dh and mil (when dad was out of earshot) that I thought it was an awful idea.

A) Alcohol will just make her mental state worse.
She’s 15 years old and has hurt/is hurting herself. I think it’s beyond stupid to give her alcohol.

B) I’m worried this is setting up a precedent for dsd. Turning to alcohol when she’s down to numb things out instead of learning some different coping strategies.

Dh and mil don’t see a problem with it, so there is sod all I can do. But Aibu to be sitting here to be angry that she and dsd’s Mum don’t see a problem with this?

Rapidly losing respect for dh at the minute.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 22/12/2017 15:37

That is dreadful. I'm really laid back about most things, but god, that is awful parenting.

kaytee87 · 22/12/2017 15:37

Yanbu. I'm sure people will come along and tell you it's none of your business but i don't think you're wrong to be worried.
Do you think you could have a nice chat with dsd about the fact alcohol could make her feel worse?

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 15:38

Your house your rules. Dilute it immensely with lemonade or pour it down the sink. Your dh is a bloody doormat.

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 15:39

I have teens btw and no way would they ask /expect to drink alcohol in my presence.

Sarahjconnor · 22/12/2017 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkHeart5914 · 22/12/2017 15:40

I agree alcohol fo someone struggling with mental health doesn’t seem like the brightest idea and you do also have the message “oh your not feeling mentally well have a drink it will make it all better”

Yanbu and Christ knows what the mother was thinking and your dh isn’t much better tbh but I don’t really see what you can do about it.

Barmaid101 · 22/12/2017 15:40

I'm in two minds. I was always allowed a bottle of beer or cider or a glass of wine regularly from when I was 14/15 birthdays special occasions. It took the novelty of alcohol away from me and I never did the go out and get trollied with friends. If there we a party I could ask my parents and they would let me take a bottle or two of beer or cider. I was told to stay away from spirits etc and only drink what I took with me. Made me a load more responsible as I wasn't hiding it

Pengggwn · 22/12/2017 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moussemoose · 22/12/2017 15:42

YANBU in a big way.

This is shocking parenting. You are not a parent but you are responsible adult and it is your house.

If she is 'fragile' a firm, focused adult may well be a rock she can cling to if the other adults in her life are not offering enough structure.

MissBax · 22/12/2017 15:43

When you say two big glass bottles, how big are we talking?
To me there's a big difference between 400ml bottles of Rekorderlig, and 3L bottles of White Lightening.
Maybe they know she'll drink regardless and are thinking of letting her do it sensibly, rather than going out and hitting the liquor.

kaytee87 · 22/12/2017 15:44

@Barmaid101 well that approach doesn't always work. My mum would buy me a bottle of something like cider or Perry etc to go to a party from around age 15. She would also give me £10/£15 to top up my phone and get a taxi home from wherever i was.
Every weekend I'd spend the taxi money on a half bottle of vodka and 10 pack of cigarettes and just walk home from wherever I was.

Mumof56 · 22/12/2017 15:45

when dad was out of earshot

Why?

MrsJayy · 22/12/2017 15:45

I think that is terrible and i would take it from her and say she can take it home with her booze and mental health dont go im not even going to start on her age.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 15:46

Not a brilliant decision but it depends what you mean by 'big glass bottles of cider'. What type of cider? What size? What percentage alcohol?

A 568 ml bottle of Magners for instance will have 2.6 units in and you'd get 3/4 glasses out of it which over the course of a day or more with meals or for toasting Christmas isn't a large amount of alcohol.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2017 15:46

I'm not keen on teenage drinking. But I really can't see a huge problem with this but obviously you do. So it's difficult to advise you what to do in those circumstances. I think you need to leave it up to your DH on how to deal with it even if you personally disapprove.

juneau · 22/12/2017 15:49

That's awful - and I come from a family where I was allowed a drink at Christmas from that sort of age, so I'm not judging a teen being allowed a drink, more the combination of enough cider to fell a reindeer + your DSD's serious mental health problems. I would be questioning the judgement and the fitness of DSD's DM to parent, if it were me. No wonder the poor girl's got problems Sad

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:51

Dh used to have a problem with alcohol, became verbally aggressive and a complete prick and drank often.

He’s stopped that now, for the last two years, but he comes from a hard drinking family and I think he just thinks this is normal.

I’m just beyond frustrated right now.

I’d probably see it differently and as none of my business really if she was fit, well and having maybe a small glass of wine at dinner or something.

But this is just all kinds of wrong. She’s so messed up. I’ve been depressed before (ptsd) and every doctor I saw told me to avoid drinking as it made things worse.

I feel helpless, how am I supposed to help her? Her parents and family think it’s fine for her to drink cider while she’s like this. I can’t cause a scene in front of dsd and dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:52

when dad was out of earshot

Sorry, that was meant to be when dsd was out of earshot. Because she is very sensitive at the minute and I didn’t want her to feel judged or that I was cross with her Mum/dh.

OP posts:
Frequency · 22/12/2017 15:53

By two big, glass bottles, do you mean Bulmers or Magner or other brands of similar sizes?

Whilst I agree that alcohol shouldn't used as a crutch for mental health problems, I'm not sure that two bottles of fruit cider over the course of a weekend is worth getting het up about. Unless someone has explicitly said to her "Oh, here, this will make you feel better,"?

Pengggwn · 22/12/2017 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:57

The ones that are about as tall as a two pinter of milk.

I’m upstairs at the minute with dc but I think it was one of the fruit cider brands? Are they not as bad?

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 22/12/2017 16:02

I agree that it isn't so much the alcohol thats the issue, but the fact the alcohol is being offered as some sort of crutch to get this kid through Christmas (from the OP update there is clearly an issue with alcohol and what is is "used" for). A 15 year old does not NEED alcohol at Christmas -why not just have a fruity fizzy drink with no booze, that is pretty much what cider tastes like anyway.
I admit I am biased as I don't drink at all and haven't for years though.

mum11970 · 22/12/2017 16:05

Are they 2 x 500ml bottles? I wouldn’t be concerned about that, a couple of 2 litre bottles would be a different matter entirely.

Frequency · 22/12/2017 16:05

They're generally around 4-5%, so not shockingly bad but there are less potent drinks available.

I allow 15yo DD to have them on a weekend if she's staying home but I take them away if it looks like she's downing them too fast. She also has poor mental health but I've never told her alcohol will make her feel better. We just sit and watch a movie, chat or do her hair. She has a bottle of fruit cider, I drink wine. It's a nice way to spend time with her. If course, it would be just as nice without the alcohol but I don't think it does any harm and I'd rather her be home with me than out with her mates drinking God knows what.

Teen drinking is a big problem in my town. All her friends meet up at parent free houses and drink behind their parent's backs. DD would rather stay home with me and drink something palatable than go and get shit faced on White Lightening.

Mrscaindingle · 22/12/2017 16:09

No YANBU mental health issues, especially self harm and alcohol are a bad combination, added to which she is only 15. And I say this as someone who bought my 16 year old some alcohol to go to a party and gives him an occasional drink on special occasions so am not against alcohol per se. The problem is if you try stopping her you will be painted as the wicked step mother. You need to try and explain to your DH that alcohol will increase the likelihood of lowering her her mood therefore increasing the risk of impulsive behaviour. Alcohol also lowers inhibition which also increases the risk of deliberate self harm. I think this needs to come from her dad however.