Dsd’s DM has sent her with two big bottles of cider.

[MincemeatMuncher]

Can I just preface this with saying I’m not usually a ‘pearl clutcher’. I used to drink a fair bit in my teens though not much at all anymore.

I’m well aware it is legal to give fifteen year olds a drink if you do wish in your own house.

But I am fuming.

Dsd is mentally very, very unwell at the moment. Far more that just a bit of depression. I don’t want to put any more details than that really. But trust me when I say she is in a very delicate state at the minute.

Dsd turned up with mil and two big glass bottles of cider for her to drink over Christmas.

I told dh and mil (when dad was out of earshot) that I thought it was an awful idea.

A) Alcohol will just make her mental state worse.
She’s 15 years old and has hurt/is hurting herself. I think it’s beyond stupid to give her alcohol.

B) I’m worried this is setting up a precedent for dsd. Turning to alcohol when she’s down to numb things out instead of learning some different coping strategies.

Dh and mil don’t see a problem with it, so there is sod all I can do. But Aibu to be sitting here to be angry that she and dsd’s Mum don’t see a problem with this?

Rapidly losing respect for dh at the minute.

But Lijkk’s idea is probably more likely to work

Toastyfingers, I don't think it's "penalising her for her mental health issues" to suggest that she not consume something which may make them worse. I have mental health problems too. I avoid things which I know to exacerbate them. OP is concerned that the depresseive effect of alcohol may not be a good idea for a teenager with depression - how is that remotely punitive?!?

And I'm one of those who said I'd let her have it, with some misgivings.

if it were a bottle of vodka, i'd agree with you, i hardly think two pints of weak cider, over the cousre of a day or two, would be enough to exacerbate anything.

It's just over a litre of fruit cider (about 5.4 units in total) to be drunk over a few days she stays with her Dad.

She's not going to be sat there drinking litres of white lightening.

There are adults there who'll be in charge of giving her a glass or two with meals or for toasts and a glass will be one unit or less.

I think it'll be fine.

It's not an ideal situation and agree it's an odd gift for a 15 year old with serious MH issues. I'd be looking at ways she can drink small amounts around family and monitor how much she's drinking rather than sitting alone ifyswim. One bottle for drinking with meals and maybe have a pamper/film night with her and a friend where she can have a glass or two with a mixer. Are you close enough to speak with her about the effects of drinking and MH? It may be she isn't that fussed about drinking, but feels because her dad and gran are ok about it it's something she should be doing.

Well that was a fun couple of days.

Dh had already sat dsd down apparently when we had our chat, and he’d explained to her why he wasn’t going to got be her alcohol.

Dsd’s Mum started apparently texting mil saying she wasn’t happy that dsd had been given the alcohol free version of the drinks she sent over. That was Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Day Mil came up in the morning but didn’t mention anything about it. But later in the day after she left she rang up Dh again, and they had an argument about dsd having alcohol.

Mil was saying she doesn’t have it often and he should give it to her. She said he has no control over what happens at dsd’s mums house but that she wouldn’t be drinking here under the age of 18, especially considering her mental health right now.

Around this time I spotted the hamper mil had brought up as part of dsd’s Christmas present. Dsd has unwrapped it, so I could see what was inside.

Three bottles of wine, a bottle of prosecco and a box of cocktail bits.

Mil had called up again today trying to get dh to give dsd alcohol.

It’s just been so stressful, I’m close to throwing my hands up and saying I don’t care anymore.

She said he has no control over what happens at dsd’s mums house but that she wouldn’t be drinking here under the age of 18, especially considering her mental health right now

Sorry that was meant to be ‘he’, as in Dh said that.

So many threads with NCing OPs the last few days.

I left out a capial ‘M’ when changing back for this username I made up for this topic as it’s fairly outing.

So shoot me.

There we go...

Mil had called up again today trying to get dh to give dsd alcohol.

Why is your MIL so desperate to give your DSD alcohol? It's very strange behaviour. Especially considering she has severe MH problems and is the child of an alcoholic.

Does your MIL also have alcohol dependence tissues?

Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like a nightmare.

4 bottles of wine for a 15 year old? What is wrong with them?

I did some stupid adolescent drinking, but my family’s culture round alcohol was very different.

Are you or husband in any way placed to have a conversation with her about negotiating drinking/ making choices? As a teen I responded quite well to reasoned information, as if I were an adult. Thinking about it in terms of harm reduction rather than abstinence eg if you are going to drink, how can you manage the risks of the situation? What do you think the risks are? Are there times when alcohol makes you feel uncomfortable? What can you do in that situation? And above all reflecting that drinking in response to feelings/ to excess is not usual or indeed helpful. It doesn’t work.

If she’s vain, tell her that my sister (who is a surgeon) says that the effect on people’s organs and tissue who drink alcohol to excess is noticeably different. It actually made my sister cut down on her drinking when she saw the difference! It’s the ultimate aging substance. This may not work with everyone, but I quit smoking mid twenties mostly because of effects on skin and concern for wrinkles. Not the horrible diseases. The wrinkles.

*Why is your MIL so desperate to give your DSD alcohol? It's very strange behaviour. Especially considering she has severe MH problems and is the child of an alcoholic.

Does your MIL also have alcohol dependence issues?*

Bingo. Well, that’s what I think anyway. Mil is a heavy drinker.

reetgood dh says he’s had that conversation with dsd.

I’m not sure how well it’s working. Dsd obviously isn’t happy about it and has been calling her mum/Mil to complain about it.

She told my Dad on Christmas Day that she wasn’t happy because she wasn’t allowed to drink. My Dad was unaware of the drama and so just said ‘of course you’re not.’

But she hasn’t actually mentioned it again to dh.

One of my parents friends was an alcoholic and he was always desperate for other people to drink as much as him. I think he was trying to prove to himself that his level of drinking wasn't normal as deep down he knew it wasn't.

Maybe your MIL is doing the same? Not that that's any excuse at all of course.

It's good that your DH is onside. Hopefully you guys can work together to find a way to minimise the impact of MILs behaviour.

I like the tactic a PP mentioned about bringing up the impact it can have on your looks. Might be worth a try?

Dsd is headed home in Friday.

Dsd also usuallly stays with mil the night before. Dh reckons she will respect his wishes and not let dsd get drunk.

I think very differently, given what mil bought dsd for Christmas, but I’m slowly learning to detach I think. I didn’t want it to be like this but not sure what else I can do.

That's an awful situation for your DH and his daughter.