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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd’s DM has sent her with two big bottles of cider.

92 replies

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:35

Can I just preface this with saying I’m not usually a ‘pearl clutcher’. I used to drink a fair bit in my teens though not much at all anymore.

I’m well aware it is legal to give fifteen year olds a drink if you do wish in your own house.

But I am fuming.

Dsd is mentally very, very unwell at the moment. Far more that just a bit of depression. I don’t want to put any more details than that really. But trust me when I say she is in a very delicate state at the minute.

Dsd turned up with mil and two big glass bottles of cider for her to drink over Christmas.

I told dh and mil (when dad was out of earshot) that I thought it was an awful idea.

A) Alcohol will just make her mental state worse.
She’s 15 years old and has hurt/is hurting herself. I think it’s beyond stupid to give her alcohol.

B) I’m worried this is setting up a precedent for dsd. Turning to alcohol when she’s down to numb things out instead of learning some different coping strategies.

Dh and mil don’t see a problem with it, so there is sod all I can do. But Aibu to be sitting here to be angry that she and dsd’s Mum don’t see a problem with this?

Rapidly losing respect for dh at the minute.

OP posts:
Validation · 22/12/2017 16:42

Alcohol exaggerates whatever mood you're in. The cider may have a low % of alcohol but a 15 year old isn't used to any alcohol. I have a DD with mh problems ( PND ) a glass of wine sends her even further downward ( not initially but once it wears off ) as she also has medication the mix is dangerous. Fortunately my DD has realised this. Giving a fragile teenager who self harms alcohol is the worst thing a parent can
do. Alcohol also causes depression. You need to speak to your dh backed up with facts. Google 'alcohol depressed teens' to shock him into opening his eyes.

kateandme · 22/12/2017 16:45

she 15 so will be pretty ok with understanding things now.so could you or do you have a relationship where you could talk to her quite openly.
talk to her about when you struggled with things urself and if she is feeling bad at the minute too?and then tell her you found alchohol made ur thoughts scary worse....so was there something you could do together that would help instead.is there a place she could retreat to or a code word for if shes struggling which you then no she needs to just sit with a hand hold or talk or something?
is it a known thing between you all of her struggles if it is id really appreciate someone coming to me on the day which will already feel pressured and telling me they are there for me and if there is anything I need.then she might not need to reach for the stuff so much.
it might be a relief for someone to tak this decision to resort to alchohol in that way.as right now all she will want is to ease the pain but she will no bad coping mechanisms never help in the long run but having them handed to her on a plate she just wont be able to say no.
if this is to go ahead.just try and be there for her.a hand on the shoulder.a hug.including her in some baking of mince pies.asking of her.being there.just letting her inner demons no they have a fight onthere hands to get to her and help her see shes not alone in this at the moment.again this might just ease the need to drink.
but I would talk to her if you can on ur own together.even on a walk?coffee? id feel so alone right now if I was on the state you put you dsd as being.especially if people were handing to me reall unhelpful ways to cope instead of actually trying to battle it away in proper ways.because all your head tells you is to be rescued by shitty way like alchol drugs harming urself but actually deep down youd give anything to feel held,cared for and rescued from doing them.

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 16:57

I do have a sinking feeling that whatever way I express my worry it will be taken as being an evil stepmum.

OP posts:
EndofSummer · 22/12/2017 17:04

Oh dear no. Just. No.

The evidence shows that the more you normalize and give an ok to teenagers drinking, the more likely they are to drink irresponsibly.

Her mum is being totally irresponsible. And her Dad for still following his exes rules even though they are not under the same roof.

Your house, do the poor kid a favour and pour it away. Just tell her it’s your home and your rules and that when she’s older she can make up her own mind. Keep it simple. Don’t slag off her mum. Give her the strong message by doing rather than saying - by setting a good example yourselves.

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 17:09

I'd not take it from dsd. How will she feel about an adult completely disregarding her wishes and taking away something of hers? Pretty bad, I'd guess.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 22/12/2017 17:09

I know there's a bit of a difference between the attitudes in the US and UK regarding teens having alcohol and I suppose that colours my opinion. I allowed mine to have one small 1/2 glass of wine at a holiday dinner starting at about 16 but not at any other time.

I know there is a delicate balance in step parenting when it comes to what the parents decide for their own child, but I wouldn't be happy with the cider thing AT ALL. I would probably manage to 'accidentally' drop or knock the bottle(s) over and break them. Yes, even if I did have to clean up the mess!

There is a definite genetic link to alcoholism. If her dad had a drinking problem, they are really playing with fire in allowing her to drink.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 17:09

It's not about being evil Step-Mum, it's about the fact that you entered into a relationship with someone with children.

You should absolutely be able to express an opinion and that be respected but you are not her parent. Both of her parents have made a decision and think it's fine.

It's one of the hardest things about being a Step-parent. You can pour it away and say 'my house, my rules' as advised by other parents but I'd have gone ballistic if my Step-Mum did that when I was 15 and my Mum and Dad had said it was okay.

Moussemoose · 22/12/2017 17:10

If the family dynamic is that alcohol is a great no issue problem solver you are going to have problems no matter how you phrase it.

The replies on this thread demonstrate that people don't realise the potential for harm that alcohol has. I drink - more units than I should - but I am aware of the risks and the problems that can arise.

I also work with teenagers and have to listen to some horrific tales of things they do while drunk that parents know nothing about.

This family sound 'troubled' be very careful and look after yourself.

kateandme · 22/12/2017 17:11

ok so shes not ur daughter.but this is still ur house and time with her.so your rules.if you get rid or sifen some off then its still ur choice.ur not deciding on her parents rules you are deciding on what goes on in this house.ur house.
say " now I no ha I'm the evil stepmum here but I have to do what I think is right.becasue I care.so I no you head will want you to take it one way but believe me this is because I actually think your wonderful and so want to look after you in the way I think are ok.so you wont want or will think you should agree with me luv but sorry.i have to.go with my gut.to keep you safe."
her mh/illness will also be playing in here to want to push and hate all you do so that's a factor.so in some deep way she might be relieved but would neve rbe able to show it I'm sure.for two reasons o her mh and you being step mum.
you keep telling her. I love you.im going to keep you safe.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 17:32

But it's also the DHs house and HIS child.

RedHelenB · 22/12/2017 17:35

Her mum and dad are fine with it so I don't see the issue. If it was two bottles of vodka that size you may have a point. YABU.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 22/12/2017 17:37

Did her mother give her alcohol to numb her depression or to drown her sorrows? Your OP suggests so, but I doubt it's actually the case. Most people wouldn't make a link between someone in a bad place mentally and two small bottles of cider (and they are small - a 2L bottle would be big).

Even if she downed both bottles without food, they would be unlikely to affect her mood. It's a tiny amount of alcohol.

I think her mum has just given her a Christmas treat, and there's no danger to her mental health.

lalalalyra · 22/12/2017 17:39

What is the attitude to alcohol normally like with DSD from her Mum and Dad? Is she normally allowed a couple of drinks on a special occasion? Is her Mum just trying to keep things normal for her?

Or has alcohol been an issue? I know a couple of parents who are providing cider/beer to keep the kids away from vodka?

Without the mental health problems I wouldn't bat an eyelid at 2 bottles of cider over a weekend, but I'd be wary in the circumstances you are in.

However, in your shoes there seems very little you can do. Which isn't a good place to be. Sounds like your DSD needs all of the adults in her life to be working together. Hope it goes ok.

Moussemoose · 22/12/2017 17:41

DailyMailReadersAreThick
It's a tiny amount of alcohol

Teenagers metabolise alcohol differently to adults. All alcohol acts as a depressant. A small amount consumed by a fragile teenager is a very bad idea.

No one involved in mental health or who works with troubled teens would say this is a good idea.

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 17:43

Dh isn’t speaking to me at the minute so he obviously thinks aibu too.

I’m too fucking tired for this.

OP posts:
HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 22/12/2017 17:45

those saying "I'd let her hame a small glass of wine" a pint of cider is about the same amount in terms of units.

SeaToSki · 22/12/2017 17:46

So I completely agree with you that it is reckless and irresponsible to give her alcohol when she is seriously depressed.

Is there anyway to spin the gift to a contribution to the family festivites? Then you can open it at a party and share it round, just giving her one small glass and thanking her for being so generous? Or can you get the lid off and replace most of it with apple juice without being busted?

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 18:49

Dh has agreed to talk after the dc are asleep and dsd is upstairs.

I don’t want to do anything like ‘accidentally’ spill it or hide it etc (though god knows I’m tempted) because I don’t want dsd to start thinking she can’t trust me.

Ideally I’d want dh on side and for him to have a chat with her about why it might not be a great idea.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 22/12/2017 19:23

Is she on any medication for her mental health? Because if so, that's another reason she shouldn't drink

debbs77 · 22/12/2017 19:32

But was her wording "to have over christmas"? Maybe she means spread out a fair bit?

Original poster
MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 19:41

Well, I can’t say for sure, but as her original intention was for dsd to take it to mil’s house and not here...she will only be there for one night, just before she goes home.

So I’m assuming both bottles were to be drunk then.

OP posts:
ToastyFingers · 22/12/2017 19:41

Oh for goodness sake, i have mental health issues, and have as long as i can remember. Two 500ish ml bottles of 4-5% cider wouldn't numb shit, even if you were trying, and is a perfectly normal amount of alcohol to allow a 15 year old, over a period of a few days.

People with mental health issues are humans too, and shouldnt be treated with kid gloves or denied normal, coming of age type treats. Have a bit of undertanding OP.

ToastyFingers · 22/12/2017 19:44

oops, have since seen your updatates, and you seem like a nice person, with genuine concerns, so im sorry if i seem a little harsh.

I still dont think she should be penalised for her mental health issues though, and as its only a small amount of alcohol, if you would allow it to a mentally healthy teen, you should allow it to dsd.

lljkk · 22/12/2017 19:44

Offer her money for 'em. Seriously. I'd be totally upfront that her liver is too immature & alcohol never fixed anyone's problems, you care about her. Yet you respect her property so while you're only a stepmum who can't just boss her around, here's an offer she might want to go for. You'd like to get her something nice instead.

It might work. Teens quite like boundaries being set out of love.

Jux · 22/12/2017 20:16

Can you introduce her to a fab drink called ‘panache’ (pa na shay)? All the ‘kids’ in Paris drink it, and it’s grown a cool following all ober Europe. You just mix cider with lemonade......

(Actually, it’s what dd(18) and I both drink when we’re in a pub.)