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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dsd’s DM has sent her with two big bottles of cider.

92 replies

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 15:35

Can I just preface this with saying I’m not usually a ‘pearl clutcher’. I used to drink a fair bit in my teens though not much at all anymore.

I’m well aware it is legal to give fifteen year olds a drink if you do wish in your own house.

But I am fuming.

Dsd is mentally very, very unwell at the moment. Far more that just a bit of depression. I don’t want to put any more details than that really. But trust me when I say she is in a very delicate state at the minute.

Dsd turned up with mil and two big glass bottles of cider for her to drink over Christmas.

I told dh and mil (when dad was out of earshot) that I thought it was an awful idea.

A) Alcohol will just make her mental state worse.
She’s 15 years old and has hurt/is hurting herself. I think it’s beyond stupid to give her alcohol.

B) I’m worried this is setting up a precedent for dsd. Turning to alcohol when she’s down to numb things out instead of learning some different coping strategies.

Dh and mil don’t see a problem with it, so there is sod all I can do. But Aibu to be sitting here to be angry that she and dsd’s Mum don’t see a problem with this?

Rapidly losing respect for dh at the minute.

OP posts:

Chaosofcalm · 22/12/2017 16:10

Alcohol is a depressant so it is not good for someone with low mood or depression.

You might want to show this article to DH

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/health-42353206

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 16:12

Do you know dsd's take on alcohol and if she is planning on downing all the cider herself?
Maybe it was sent as a contribution to the household?

Rossigigi · 22/12/2017 16:12

I was drinking a lot from that age (older friends), my mum would buy me alcohol, I would go to pubs etc.
I'm a relaxed parent- My eldest is allowed to drink (18) and has been since 15, but he hasn't had a glass since last Christmas- doesn't go out drinking etc. He's not untreated in alcohol.
However, when a child has mental health issues I think giving alcohol is a very bad idea. So no I don't think you are over reacting at all. You are being responsible.

Rossigigi · 22/12/2017 16:13

Intrested not untreated!

VladmirsPoutine · 22/12/2017 16:14

Really?
She's in a very precarious mental state, far worse than depression and basically hanging on by a shoe-string, yet your husband and his mother don't see any issue at all, and even going so far as to buy her alcohol?

Pengggwn · 22/12/2017 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChelleDawg2020 · 22/12/2017 16:15

I don't see the problem really, a couple of bottles of cider drunk over the Xmas period are not going to do any harm, assuming the child doesn't drink other alcohol and doesn't down both of them in ten minutes.

It's better for a child to have an occasional drink at home, on an occasion such a Christmas, than never drink at all. Moderate drinking at a young age allows the child to understand the effects of alcohol. The worst 18-year-old drinkers tend to be the ones who were not allowed any alcohol until they were old enough to buy it themselves.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 16:16

Sounds like a 568ml bottle of Magners or Bulmers so less than 3 units per bottle with 3/4 glasses in a bottle.

I don't think her Mum or anyone else has suggested using alcohol as some kind of crutch to get through Christmas. More like she can have a few glasses with meals and for toasts over an extended period.

I'd have a few Babycham or snowballs or Baileys over Christmas at that age.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/12/2017 16:17

If your DH is not capable of making decent parenting choices that take into account his child’s health condition why are you with him?

One assumes he is a grown up as is the teenagers mother and for that matter the teenagers grandparents?

Unless your talking every single adult there being the type that needs intervention when responsible for a related teenager, I think you may need to step back and work out if you think you know far more about the teens mental health than they do or if it’s just potentially possible you are being a bit dramatic.

Original poster

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 16:18

The problem is if you try stopping her you will be painted as the wicked step mother. You need to try and explain to your DH that alcohol will increase the likelihood of lowering her her mood therefore increasing the risk of impulsive behaviour. Alcohol also lowers inhibition which also increases the risk of deliberate self harm

Exactly! You’ve just put your finger in exactly why I’m worried.

Yes, really. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks this isn’t really going to help her.

And yes, the bottles are just for dsd. Apparently her mum asked her to take the bottles to mil’s house and not here, but mil didn’t see a problem with it and brought them here.

Surely some part of dsd’s Mum must know this isn’t a good idea, or why would she be trying to hide it the fact she’s giving it her?

She didn’t need to bother anyway, apparently it’s a ok 👌

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 22/12/2017 16:19

Hmmm. My 15yo will be allowed to drink over Christmas, I have also bought two bottles of cider for him which he will have limited access to, with me and his dad determining how much and when. But he doesn't have poor mental health and won't be using alcohol as a numbing agent; that would scare the shit out of me and I don't blame you for being worried :(

It's tricky for you being the stepparent and the only adult who thinks this is a terrible idea. You could, I suppose, say "my house my rules", explain to her why you don't want her to have it and send her home with it at the end of the visit, possibly letting her have a bit of something with Christmas dinner. But if your dp doesn't agree with you, even that will be difficult to pull off. Also if she's 15 and used to being allowed to drink, stopping it will be like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.

I would let her have it but try and supervise how much she has at a time and when she has it, try and keep it to mealtimes and a small amount in the evening if you're watching films or playing games etc. Don't let her take it to her room. And if you can, talk to her about alcohol being a depressant and therefore a really poor solution to feeling stressed and miserable.

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 16:20

It seems odd if she has brought the cider for herself only.
An adult might bring something as a gift to their host, for general sharing. Is this what has happened?

Fairylea · 22/12/2017 16:21

I’d be pouring it straight down the sink. A 15 year old does not need any alcohol. I am shocked.

Original poster

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 16:21

If your DH is not capable of making decent parenting choices that take into account his child’s health condition why are you with him?

Wondering that myself.

OP posts:

babyturtles · 22/12/2017 16:22

I think it's absolutely fine.

She may not even drink them, but she'll feel "grown up" and like she can. Is it really worth having a barney about at christmas if she has delicate mental health?

Leave it be. I dare say you causing a fuss about it will do more harm to her than some alcohol will.

I do understand your concerns and it probably wasn't the best idea of her mother's to give her booze but what's done is done.

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 16:23

Ok. Just saw your update.

Rachie1973 · 22/12/2017 16:24

2 bottles of rekorderling..... or magners..... not seeing an issue.

2 bottles of white lightening is an issue.

I allow my 15 year old the fruit ciders. MH is a factor, but the amount of alcohol in those bottles over the Xmas period isn't enough to cause an issue.

I'm very prudent with alcohol. I come from a long line of alcoholics so err on the side of caution, but those wouldn't bother me.

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 16:25

Report out last week claims dc who are allowed to drink (by dps) underage are actually more likely to have issues with alcohol at a later date. Send the drink back with her and let her dm deal with it her after drinking it. .
Stand by my first post that your dh is a doormat - and a shit parent to boot.

Original poster

MincemeatMuncher · 22/12/2017 16:27

I had to call the police out to dsd’s house a couple of weeks ago.

She was on her own (her Mum had a shift so not her fault, she thought she was at school) and had called dh and mil and was saying she wanted to die.

That’s the kind of black place she is in at the minute.

Please, I’m not judging anyone who is sharing a bit of alcohol with their teenage dc (I’ve said I wouldn’t do it, but I wouldn’t be thinking it had anything to do with me if you did)

It’s that in combination with how dsd is right now.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 16:27

Let dsd know, in a casual way, what your attitude to alcohol is, in general not in connection with her cider.
Seems she's being influenced by people who like a lot of alcohol so she might be open to another viewpoint.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/12/2017 16:28

I don’t drink, I don’t have alcohol in my house ever. I’m one of those parents who never distributes alcohol to her kids.

But even I wouldn’t get excited about 2 bottles of bulmers over Christmas when being consumed surrounded by family members unless of course her parents know nothing of her health condition

juneau · 22/12/2017 16:30

So we've got a DM with poor judgement, who doesn't seem to 'get' that alcohol is a depressant and not really suitable when her teen has MH problems, and an alcoholic dad who also doesn't see the problem. I feel for you OP, because if you put your foot down and don't let her drink it you'll have them all thinking you're the bad guy. Time to reassess the relationship you're in maybe?

Moussemoose · 22/12/2017 16:32

babyturtles

I think it's absolutely fine

You think it is fine for a teenager with mental health issues to take a known depressant? There are many reasons why this seriously misguided.

1: Teenagers do not metabolize alcohol the same way as adults - it is significantly more harmful.
2: It is a depressant and can have a significantly negative impact on mental health.
3: In the long term alcohol will be perceived as a cure all and the go to option for problems.

The amount of alcohol, type of alcohol or the strength of the alcohol is irrelevant. This misses the point by a mile.

"Here you are fragile child have some alcohol at this emotionally charged time of the year - it will make you feel better"

A very, very bad message to give with potential long term consequences.

Mrscaindingle · 22/12/2017 16:35

I think a lot of posters are not getting the MH issues here and it is this which why DSD, at the age of only 15, turning up with her own carry out for Christmas is a bad idea. Not only will it not help her feel better it is the message that alcohol is a coping mechanism when in fact it is a very poor coping mechanism for MH problems and often makes things worse.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 16:42

I don't think it's giving the message that alcohol is a coping mechanism at all. Its 'it's Christmas, you can join in a little with the toasts or small drink with meals because it's a special occasion'.

A glass of wine which the OP wouldn't have a problem with would have more alcohol in than a small glass of cider.

The family will be in charge of her intake in any case. I'm sure they're not going to let her sit there and drink both bottles in an hour.

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