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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling resentful of friend who has recently given birth

93 replies

DownNotOutt · 22/12/2017 12:33

I'm prepared to be told IABU here. 8 weeks ago a close friend gave birth and her DD had some difficulties and had to undergo a procedure. I was devastated for her and worried and as supportive as I could be, checked in a lot but didn't expect responses, sent flowers etc. Her DD is now doing well thankfully.

6 weeks ago I suffered a MMC. I am devastated about the situation and have been quite depressed but also battling on trying to pull myself round.

I was meant to see my friend last night and meet the baby but she cancelled last minute. She sends sporadic messages (I know she has her hands full) and never ever asks how I am- everything is revolving around her and her new baby. So I haven't told her about my miscarriage as she hasn't asked how I am, like yesterday I'm just expected to drop everything and then change plans last minute.

Is this normal behaviour when someone has a new baby, do your friends become totally self absorbed at the start? I feel so angry with her moaning about her daughter not sleeping when I would give anything in the world to be in her situation and she never even asks how I am, it's all about her.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 22/12/2017 12:36

She sounds like she has always been selfish, but you’ve only noticed it now. A normal friend doesn’t ignore a friend’s miscarriage, no matter how many kids she has. One of my friends came to mine unasked 3 days after giving birth, baby in tow, when I needed support; it’s what friends Strongly suggest you cut her off.

BertieBotts · 22/12/2017 12:38

I'm afraid yes when someone has just had a new baby it's totally normal for them to be completely absorbed in the baby and oblivious to everything else! It's not because she doesn't care, it's just a massively all-consuming thing. I'm sure if you told her about the miscarriage she'd be sympathetic, it's just quite difficult when you have a newborn to realise - hang on - other people's lives are continuing to move on, because your own has kind of stood still and monumentally changed.

If you're feeling sensitive about babies because of the MC it's okay to take a break and go and see her when you're feeling more stable, BTW.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2017 12:39

If she doesn't know about your miscarriage she can't possibly offer you support. People do become quite absorbed in whatever bug change they're coping with, not just child birth, you're asking her to be sensitive to a situation she doesn't know about. Tell her.

yourhavingagiraffee · 22/12/2017 12:40

Sorry for your loss.

She will be all over the place between feeding, cleaning, not sleeping, visitors, Christmas.

I think your a bit harsh, sleep deprived is hard, a new baby that doesn't sleep is tough. I imagine you would be the same.

She wasn't aware of your miscarriage, she probably would be more supportive if she knew.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2017 12:40

big change

glow1984 · 22/12/2017 12:40

Raving she hasn't ignored the miscarriage, she hasn't been told!

If you were that close, you wouldn't need to be asked to tell your friend what is going on in your life. I contact my best friend whenever I have good or bad news, not only if she asks me how I am.

glow1984 · 22/12/2017 12:42

Forgot to add, I wouldn't say I became self-absorbed, but caring for a newborn is overwhelming, time consuming and hard work. Days can kind of blur into one so, yes, it is possible to lose sight of the outside world.

Allthetuppences · 22/12/2017 12:42

So sorry for your loss Flowers. It's a difficult thing to go through x

I think as many people will tell you yabu as would say she is, which sucks but this is a tough place at times. It is easy to be a crap friend with a newborn and for time to fly past. But not for everyone and memory is very rose tinted!
Chances are your friend is sleep deprived, stressed and happy by turns whilst getting used to her family, anxious over the birth still.
You might need to tell her what you've gone through, if you choose to. Obviously that doesn't help you feel she's there for you right now. If she's a good friend she'll get that you're not making something about her. Be kind to yourself but be a little brave tell those around you the support you need. It's hard to do, but you deserve to feel loved and supported through this. Best wishes.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 22/12/2017 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaytee87 · 22/12/2017 12:43

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

She's probably totally exhausted, full of raging hormones, possibly anxious (especially if first baby). I think it's normal to be in a bubble for a couple of months after giving birth.

It sounds like you're holding it against her that she isn't sympathetic towards you just now but she doesn't know there's anything to be sympathetic about. Why not tell her?

PinkHeart5914 · 22/12/2017 12:43

Yes when someone has a baby they tend to be consumed with caring for new born as they do require a lot, it’s not an easy job.

Your friend does not know about your miscarriage, if she did she would probably find someone else to talk to about her daughter not sleeping etc

PinkyBlunder · 22/12/2017 12:45

I’m sorry for your loss. Been there several times myself Flowers jealousy is normal in recovering, be kind to yourself.

Her behaviour is also normal. She’s got a newborn who was poorly and that’s also hard. She also entitled to let the world revolve around just them for a while. If she doesn’t know about your MMC she can’t support you. If you’re finding this hard to deal with (which is absolutely fine) take a step back for now. When you’re feeling better you can start again. You will feel better, it does get easier.

NeilPetark · 22/12/2017 12:47

Having a newborn can be all consuming, especially if they don’t sleep, and she’s had an ill baby. It can be like being in a fog, like sleep walking. You’re projecting your situation on to her which she doesn’t even know about. I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s very hard, but if you want her support you need to talk to her.

dingdongdigeridoo · 22/12/2017 12:50

Really sorry for your loss.

Sorry but YABU if you haven’t told her about the MC and expect her to offer support. Newborn days are chaos. Especially first born when you’re getting a flurry of text and Facebook messages, visitors, and trying to look after a baby. Plus everyone is a bit knackered and distracted this time of year.

Unless she’s always been a bit shitty and unsupportive, I’d give her a bit of slack.

FaFoutis · 22/12/2017 12:52

I think you are too angry about the MC to think clearly about your friend's behaviour. Having your first baby can be a massive shock and all consuming as you try to find your bearings. Her behaviour is normal.

Sorry about your MC, it's a horrible experience.

Amanduh · 22/12/2017 12:59

She's not being self absorbed. Newborn life is like nothing else. You literally are consumed by nothing else. Having an ill newborn, quite homestly, she probably doesn't have the time to have full conversations with you and ask how you are! Give her some support and a few weeks!

Spartaca · 22/12/2017 13:00

You are being a bit irrational tbh. She has no idea about your miscarriage so can't support you, and so quite reasonably thinks she is the person with the big thing going on. Having a newborn around, esp one that has been poorly is pretty all consuming. Assuming she is normally a good friend I would cut her some slack and tell het

OuchBollocks · 22/12/2017 13:00

I've had a MMC after years of ttc'ing and I've been that friend who has been wrapped up in new babyhood. I remember how the grief of the MMC made me feel and you have all my sympathy, it's horrendous. However when DD was little I did end up cancelling plans as she was hard bloody work, she screamed all the time if put down, she cluster fed round the clock, there were days I didn't even manage to feed myself or get dressed and socialising was utterly beyond me. If she was a good friend before then most likely she will be again but her whole life has been turned upside down. Maybe contact her again after Christmas when her baby might be in more of a routine and she can give you what you need.

AprilShowers16 · 22/12/2017 13:03

If she’s not usually like this then I imagine it’s just because of the craziness of newborn - if I were you I would probably just tell her about the miscarriage, be honest and say that you’re sorry if you find it a bit tricky to engage with her about the baby but that you’ve had a Mmc and hadn’t found the right opportunity to tell her. Assuming she’s a good friend I’m sure she’ll try and make more of an effort. There is no point in just building up resentment when she doesn’t know and is understandably slightly self absorbed at the moment

Original poster
DownNotOutt · 22/12/2017 13:03

Thank you for the replies. I don't want to feel like I do about the situation. It's just ever since she got pregnant every single conversation has been about her pregnancy/ birth/ baby. I've done my bit. I've listened, I've sent cards and gifts, I've been there for her. When does it end?

OP posts:
violetbluesky · 22/12/2017 13:04

I have a DS and I'm pregnant again after suffering a miscarriage which was truly awful so I understand how you feel.

I don't think having a baby absolves you from asking how someone is?! Confused

Jeezo I managed to not be that self absorbed 🙄

Hugs to you regarding your miscarriage. A heartbreaking experience Flowers

ClaryFray · 22/12/2017 13:06

I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you have a good network of support otherwise.

It's not that normal to be that self absorbed. It could be with the texts and not always replying.

Didiusfalco · 22/12/2017 13:06

So sorry op.

You need to tell her and give her the chance to be a good friend. However...

I think the resentment you are feeling is normal and it’s okay to back away from her for now. I’ve had this situation and sometimes after a bit of time has passed the friendship has rekindled. You’re just not a good match for each other at the moment.

peanut2017 · 22/12/2017 13:08

Sorry for your loss.

Can see both sides of this as have experienced both. Had two losses and have a now 8 month old and am pregnant again.

When I had my losses three of the girls in work were pregnant and went onto have their babies and I found it really hard to even look at them let alone talk to them. I have since apologized and explained to one of the girls who I got on well with as she didn't know what was going on with me.

After having my 8 month old it wasn't that I was absorbed but found it very overwhelming especially the first 2 months and found the text messages/ calls from family and friends too much at the beginning.

I was feeding my son every 2 hours, constant nappy changes, changing clothes and could barely sit down as I had stitches and put my coccyx out. I didn't have much support apart from my DH so it was tough.

To be fair to tor friend you haven't told her about your miscarriage so she can't offer any support for something she doesn't know about.

Miscarriage is a very tough and hard thing to go through and I hope you will be ok. Mind yourself

becotide · 22/12/2017 13:08

If you don't tell people about your problems, you don't get to be shitty with them when they don't support you with your problems.

A MMC is emotionally very hard. I'm sorry it happened to you. Having a newborn baby is lifechanging. Your friend will be experiencing unprecedented levels of stress. You being off with her for (apparently to her) no reason will not help with those stress levels/

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