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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling resentful of friend who has recently given birth

93 replies

DownNotOutt · 22/12/2017 12:33

I'm prepared to be told IABU here. 8 weeks ago a close friend gave birth and her DD had some difficulties and had to undergo a procedure. I was devastated for her and worried and as supportive as I could be, checked in a lot but didn't expect responses, sent flowers etc. Her DD is now doing well thankfully.

6 weeks ago I suffered a MMC. I am devastated about the situation and have been quite depressed but also battling on trying to pull myself round.

I was meant to see my friend last night and meet the baby but she cancelled last minute. She sends sporadic messages (I know she has her hands full) and never ever asks how I am- everything is revolving around her and her new baby. So I haven't told her about my miscarriage as she hasn't asked how I am, like yesterday I'm just expected to drop everything and then change plans last minute.

Is this normal behaviour when someone has a new baby, do your friends become totally self absorbed at the start? I feel so angry with her moaning about her daughter not sleeping when I would give anything in the world to be in her situation and she never even asks how I am, it's all about her.

OP posts:

waterrat · 22/12/2017 13:54

'when does it end' OP?? erm not for months! I felt sick with stress when people expected plans/ texts / arrangements from me when I had a newborn. It is like nothing else as someone said - she may have her nights completely destroyed, no sleep, a baby on and off the boob all day, I cancelled plans constantly - and whenever a friend has a baby I tell them that THEY and their baby comes first - and that they must cancel whenever they want to.

Genuiniely I wouldn't expect a friend with a newborn to ask about me at all for about the first year.

tough for you - but I think you need to either be honest and tell her so that she can at least focus a little bit on your pain or you need to find other friends to talk to.

waterrat · 22/12/2017 13:56

Op think of it this way - evolution designs a system of hormones and sleep deprivation that force a mother to shrink her world right down to her baby - I literally couldn't have thought about anything else if I had tried for the first months. It's not selfish - it's absolutely vital that she is totally focussed in on her fragile vulnerable baby.

It's hard for you but the truth is it's not important for her right now to think about you - in fact I hated how little time I had to think about friends and felt I was letting them down - but that is what she has to do.

Sadly you aren't in the same place as her right now. I think it would help you to tell her by email about your miscarriage as otherwise it's going to make the pain worse ...but she really really shouldn't be thinking about you right now.

InsomniacAnonymous · 22/12/2017 14:02

RavingRoo how unreasonable can you get? You "Strongly suggest you cut her off." for ignoring the OP's miscarriage, which she knows nothing about? Yes, that makes perfect sense!

ConciseandNice · 22/12/2017 14:10

Miscarriages are awful. I've lost 6 pregnancies, and at times when a good friend has been pregnant. I am sorry for your loss.

But...she doesn't know. She can't comfort you if she doesn't know and she is exhausted and has had a very difficult time herself. She will be nervous for months probably because her daughter was sick. It isn't about you. SHe doesn't know you need anything.

If you need something from her, ask. She is not telepathic.

Hatsoffdear · 22/12/2017 14:19

Love this isn’t about your friend is it? It’s about your loss and you dealing with your situation. She has her situation to deal with too.

Both of you have huge life changing situations to deal with and maybe you need to find support from another friend?

So so sorry for your loss but regarding your friend you are being unreasonable.

Raving your response is so wierd I don’t think you understood the op.

jlbcredit · 22/12/2017 14:19

Imagine trying to diffuse a bomb when you haven't slept in 10 days. Caring for a newborn can be (not always) not dissimilar in terms of being all-consuming. If she doesn't know then she can't be expected to know!
Sorry for your loss and I know it's really hard when friends have babies - both because of the change in their focus and because of the mc.

Hopeful103 · 22/12/2017 14:22

Op i have been self absorbed for almost a year after my baby. My ds had colic , then reflux and horrific sleeping habits. I couldn't even think straight let alone ask after another person. I'm sorry you went through the mc, but it's true that people get wrapped up after a baby.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/12/2017 14:24

I feel like a lot of people didn't read this bit:

It's just ever since she got pregnant every single conversation has been about her pregnancy/ birth/ baby.

If it was just since the birth that would be completely different since her baby is so young. If she was like this throughout her pregnancy, though, then that is very self-absorbed, and not just a temporary stage. Some people who are already very self-focused do become worse when they're pregnant, I think because it's more societally sanctioned.

I don't think you can blame her for not being sympathetic about something she doesn't know about. But if the friendship has become one-sided, and has been that way for months and months now, then of course you can withdraw from it.

CurryWorst · 22/12/2017 14:25

She has a newborn who needed an operation. You are incredibly unreasonable to think for a minute she should be thinking about you, in any way.

It's hard to have a mc, I've had many so I know well. But you chose to not mention it so you can't be mad at her for not being supportive, and even if you had she is focused on her own child. As she should be.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/12/2017 14:26

Genuiniely I wouldn't expect a friend with a newborn to ask about me at all for about the first year.

I have not known a single person who had a baby and couldn't even manage to ask other people how they were for even a month after the child was born, let alone a year. I don't think that's normal - or acceptable.

demirose87 · 22/12/2017 14:33

I'm afraid you're being a bit unreasonable OP. Your friend has just had a life changing experience and had the worry of a baby with health problems so that will be all she's focusing on for now. She could be stressed about that and not sleeping. Having a baby takes some adjusting.She won't be thinking of you as she doesn't know you've had a miscarriage. I would tell her and you may find she offers you more support. Sorry for your MMC.

McTufty · 22/12/2017 14:35

I agree with @LisaSimpsonsBFF. I think some of the responses here are really callous.

Yes, the OP needs to understand her friend has a lot on her plate and doesn’t even know about the MC. People are very quick to tell the OP she is not seeing her friend’s POV. Equally though, can some of the posters here who are having a go at the OP try to understand that the OP is hurting badly (justifiably so), and extend the same consideration of trying to understand why she feels like she does? When did it become the case that those who have had a baby are entitled to allowances for their behaviour but those suffering a loss aren’t?

And if this is since pregnancy not just since birth, then OP’s friend is a self absorbed idiot.

willsa · 22/12/2017 14:37

Genuiniely I wouldn't expect a friend with a newborn to ask about me at all for about the first year.

Ummm...she said, she wouldn't expect the new mother to ask - and that is just so very nice and understanding.

CurryWorst · 22/12/2017 14:37

Equally though, can some of the posters here who are having a go at the OP try to understand that the OP is hurting badly (justifiably so), and extend the same consideration of trying to understand why she feels like she does?

I understand exactly why she feels like she does. That doesn't mean her feelings are either rational or fair though.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 22/12/2017 14:40

My DC is now three months old and I have still checked in with my two closest friends as often as I can, but my baby is very laid back and incredibly easy compared to other babies - sleeps well, feeds well, is healthy and bright as a button. If I had a child requiring an operation and had difficulties I would absolutely shrink my world to my baby and everyone else would be a bit of an afterthought. I know that sounds very selfish but your world is completely thrown into chaos when you have a newborn. I’m really sorry for your loss - give yourself time to grieve xx

Hatsoffdear · 22/12/2017 14:41

I don’t think anyone is having a go at the op but if you post aibu then you are asking for opinions.

I have huge sympathy for the op as do all on here but I still think she’s being unreasonable.

McTufty · 22/12/2017 14:42

@curryworst I agree (since the birth) but some people have just told her she is being unreasonable in quite a harsh way with no mention at all of her own heartbreak. That’s what I was getting at, not those who have gently said they sympathise but don’t think she is being fair.

Original poster

DownNotOutt · 22/12/2017 14:45

When I said "when does it end?" I meant the stage in which you never enquire as to another person and expect everything to be about you and your baby and expect that's all anyone else wants to talk about. I obviously understand that a mother's priority being their child will never end!

OP posts:

willsa · 22/12/2017 14:49

OP, having a poorly newborn ( any newborn, actually ) IS all-encompassing. She should be allowed not care about much else for a while. Equally, you are allowed not "to be there", send gifts and text/phone if it somehow hurts you. Eventually your friend will reappear out of the baby haze and you can rekindle your friendship then.

And there might be friends more suited to MC support than a mother of a newborn anyway.

CurryWorst · 22/12/2017 14:56

Well in some people it never starts and it some people it never ends.
Just personally, when I had a sick baby and severe pnd I didn't ask anyone for about a year how they were, I neither cared nor could cope about anyone elses feelings, my own were nearly killing me.
Conversely when I had my last, easy baby I was with a friend 3 days later helping with their stuff and almost forgetting I had her.

Its about who the people are anyway, or the circumstances.

Emmasmum2013 · 22/12/2017 15:13

@DownNotOutt
I think you should tell your friend about your miscarriage.
I feel like from what you've said, you need as much support as possible. Its very difficult when a loss is suffered and it often seems like the rest of the world has absolutely no right to be carrying on as normal when yours is falling apart.
Don't suffer in silence. If it was my friend, I would want to know regardless of my own situation.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2017 15:15

Unfortunately you're placing a greater burden of emotional engagement than your friend is able to give. You may be going through a mourning period for the friendship you used to enjoy which cannot be the same because life has changed it. Unfortunately this is what happens when one friend's life runs at a different pace to the other's.
.
I'd step away, not necessarily permanently but for a while, and try to build some different outlets for yourself. Otherwise it will start to eat away at you.

I wouldn't blame yourself, it's a very difficult time for you, especially seeing a friend with her life taken up with the very thing you yearn for, a baby. Fingers tight crossed that things work out positively for you.

RedForFilth · 22/12/2017 15:16

I think you should tell your friend. Then you can see if she is supportive or not. I genuinely don't know anyone who hasn't had time to ask how their loved ones are after having a baby tbh.

RedForFilth · 22/12/2017 15:19

Oh and I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's different for everyone but I found it a lot more difficult to adjust after my miscarriage than after having my son.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2017 15:20

Have you sought some professional RL Support to help you re your MC?

Friends are not generally equipped to give the significant emotional support that's needed, so maybe channel your need for support to a professional who's equipped to take that burden, and use "friend time" for less emotionally loaded conversations.

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