Feeling resentful of friend who has recently given birth

[DownNotOutt]

I'm prepared to be told IABU here. 8 weeks ago a close friend gave birth and her DD had some difficulties and had to undergo a procedure. I was devastated for her and worried and as supportive as I could be, checked in a lot but didn't expect responses, sent flowers etc. Her DD is now doing well thankfully.

6 weeks ago I suffered a MMC. I am devastated about the situation and have been quite depressed but also battling on trying to pull myself round.

I was meant to see my friend last night and meet the baby but she cancelled last minute. She sends sporadic messages (I know she has her hands full) and never ever asks how I am- everything is revolving around her and her new baby. So I haven't told her about my miscarriage as she hasn't asked how I am, like yesterday I'm just expected to drop everything and then change plans last minute.

Is this normal behaviour when someone has a new baby, do your friends become totally self absorbed at the start? I feel so angry with her moaning about her daughter not sleeping when I would give anything in the world to be in her situation and she never even asks how I am, it's all about her.

When DD was born I felt like I had been twatted in the face with a cricket bat and fanjo a hundred times. I didn't know what day of the week it was, lived on Frosties and I don't think I even had time for a shat for the first 3 months.
I do remember 3 months as being a bit of a turning point in getting myself organised and into the swing of it more. Routine is the word I'm looking for I think.

If my best friend told me she had a miscarriage though I would have stuck my stinky wrinkled leggings on and tootled round with some nice cakes and done my best to support her.

Tell your friend OP, she will probably feel terrible when she finds out and wishes she had known sooner so she could have supported you. I'm really sorry you had a MMC xx

Oh come on OP do you even like this woman? Why are you waiting to be asked how you are? Is she just not a close friend? Are you a very formal or private person generally?

Expecting another human being to be telepathic never ends well.

I bet she will feel awful once you tell her, knowing you've been suffering with this for weeks and not told her, especially since all her news has been about her new baby. Is that what you want - you want her to feel guilty and horrible? Would that make you feel better?

Honestly have you had other friendships that have ended over similar problems?

Thank you to everyone on here who has been kind. I accept a lot of what I'm feeling is misplaced pain, resentment and jealousy and think I should accept I can't be around my friend too much at the moment and partake fully in celebrating her event the way I'm feeling right now. Not because I'm not happy for her or don't wish her the best, just because I am not emotionally capable of it at the moment so am going to take a step back for now.

I've so desperately wanted to not allow this to turn me into someone who avoids pregnant women and babies, but now understand this is a survival mechanism.

to everyone who has suffered a loss. I had no idea it would be so hard.

@DownNotOutt
I'd send your friend a text and just say something like "Don't worry if I'm a bit distant for a while. I recently suffered a miscarriage and its given me more of a knock than I expected. Need a bit of time to get my head together. Hope to see you soon xx"

Keep it simple. You don't need to stress over this, just let her know. Otherwise you'll be working yourself up unnecessarily.

No one is going to say women who has suffered a loss "YABU". However as a pp says. She can't really be called selfish and unsupportive If she doesn't know about what has happened to you.
Sorry for your loss (((((((())))))))

She's got a very new baby who has been unwell.

She doesn't know about her miscarriage.

If she'd been in hospital with an ill DH or parent would you be annoyed that she hadn't asked you how you are?

Your miscarriage.

Yabu as you haven’t even told her about the mmc.
She hasn’t had chance to be a good friend to you as you’re not being honest about what’s going on. And yes, it’s normal when you have a baby to be absorbed in their needs and care.. and good friends accept that, send gifts, flowers, texts etc.
It probably “ends” when the baby gets a bit older.
I think your friend would treat you and any baby you have with the same thoughtfulness you have shown.
Please do separate your feelings about the mmc (which must be devastating) from all of this.
Your friend hasn’t behaved badly.
I’m sorry for your loss

Ps tell her what’s happened and I’m sure she’ll be a good friend to you. Sending you hugs!

I think Emma's text/email is a good one. Explains how you are feeling and leaves the door open to you both.
Hang on in there - I know it's devastating but you need support from someone who can properly sit with you and listen for as long as you need and give you a hug. That's not going to be anyone with a sick baby I'm afraid.

You need to tell her about your loss. It sounds a bit like you’re trying to “test” her and at the moment she must have so much else going on, she is bound to fail this test. You will resent her and she won’t have a chance to demonstrate if she can extend her support and sympathies to you.

Yabu to expect a new mother to show anyone other than her baby any attention. Yanbu for wanting your friends support through what I can only imagine is a horrific time for you. But you're going about it the wrong way, it sounds like you're testing her. It's not a game. You want her support? Tell her! She's not a mind reader.

I accept a lot of what I'm feeling is misplaced pain, resentment and jealousy

That’s a really hard thing to admit. Well done for facing up to that.

I think a brief call or message to your friend saying that you might be a little quiet for a while would be best. I really feel for you

I think you should let her know. It's understandable that she would be caught up in her new baby and may not be thinking about you much if as far as she's concerned you're just carrying on as normal whereas she's going through this massive all-consuming life change. You need to tell her so you can give her a chance to support you. If she can't or won't at that stage you may want to reconsider the friendship, but hopefully she will.

@RavingRoo 'normal friends' would if they have no clue the misscarriage occurred?

I'm so sorry for your loss. MC really is one of the worst things you can go through. There's lots of us here with you hun x

I too had a MC while a friend was enjoying a happy, healthy pregnancy. It floored me. I was surprised at my own reaction and feelings towards her. It wasn't jealousy or resentment - it's just god damn hard. I was/am thrilled for her as she deserves every little bit of the joy and preciousness that comes with having your first baby but I was in agony myself and just found it so tough. We're only human and I think it's just one of those really tough situations. It doesn't make you a band person or jealous or anything like that.

So I don't think you're being unfair but maybe if she had known about your loss she might have acted differently?

Either way, now is a time for you to think about yourself and to heal physically and emotionally and if that means keeping your distance for a while then it's ok for you to do that. You're entitled to be a little bit selfish yourself at the moment

She hasn’t told her about the miscarriage yet and personally no I don’t think this woman is being particularly selfish she’s wrapped up in her own life enjoying this moment I wouldn’t call that selfish atall .

She's not a selfish, self-absorbed, careless person.

She's a new mum to a baby who had a traumatic entry into the world. Your friend is physically and emotionally shattered beyond anything I could describe. Making plans with a baby in the mix is a mug's game. Your friend is learning as she goes.

As for your loss it is totally normal to feel the way you do. You will come through this and heal but in the meantime, be kind to yourself. Your feelings are totally ok! We lost our daughter 26 weeks in and oh my God it was brutal. We lived on a busy road in Baby Making Epicentre and every woman walking past my front window was pregnant. The world was slapping my face with baby bumps and it was so, so soul destroying. I healed. I learned to purge myself of the sadness and yes, envy smothering me. I had to give myself time to process it all.

May you heal and recover. Talk to your friend about your MC. It's important. You don't need to protect her. A true friend is there for you through thick and thin.