Feeling resentful of friend who has recently given birth

[DownNotOutt]

I'm prepared to be told IABU here. 8 weeks ago a close friend gave birth and her DD had some difficulties and had to undergo a procedure. I was devastated for her and worried and as supportive as I could be, checked in a lot but didn't expect responses, sent flowers etc. Her DD is now doing well thankfully.

6 weeks ago I suffered a MMC. I am devastated about the situation and have been quite depressed but also battling on trying to pull myself round.

I was meant to see my friend last night and meet the baby but she cancelled last minute. She sends sporadic messages (I know she has her hands full) and never ever asks how I am- everything is revolving around her and her new baby. So I haven't told her about my miscarriage as she hasn't asked how I am, like yesterday I'm just expected to drop everything and then change plans last minute.

Is this normal behaviour when someone has a new baby, do your friends become totally self absorbed at the start? I feel so angry with her moaning about her daughter not sleeping when I would give anything in the world to be in her situation and she never even asks how I am, it's all about her.

Fgs tell her so she can actually be there for you! Give her a chance!

so angry with her moaning about her daughter not sleeping when I would give anything in the world to be in her situation and she never even asks how I am, it's all about her

She will be tried, not sleeping well, worried over her newborn being poorly etc. It's completely normal. It's like a bizzare sort of fog where you genuinely only think about the baby and getting through the day hour by hour.

Also, you haven't told her about the miscarriage so she can't possibly support you when she doesn't know.

Once she's settled into more of a routine after the shell shock of the first few months then she will start to come back round to "normal"

'Ive done my bit. I've listened, I've sent cards and gifts, I've been there for her. When does it end

Where does what end?

"I've done my bit, when does it end?"

Seriously?

never.

Her baby ismore important than you are. This is always going to be the case. She literally cannot support you, she is the full time mother of a sick newborn. You are asking too much.

So sorry you're going through this OP I had a MMC in October so PM if you feel like talking.

Unfortunately as so many other posters have said your friend's behaviour sounds normal. People don't become self-absorbed when a new baby arrives, it's just that a new baby is all-encompassing, 24/7. I remember not even having the time to make myself a sandwich after DD arrived. Replying to messages and keeping up with a social life like I had done previously was impossible.

In relation to your question of how long will it last I'm not sure what you mean by this?

Why don't you just tell her what happened to you and see how she reacts? If she doesn't give you any support well then you need to decide on what you want to do.

I suffered from PND and a friend of mines partner commit suicide 4 months ago and I have been there as much as I can. But it could be 2 weeks before I contact or see her as I was going through a difficult time and felt that was all I could give her at the time. Now I am feeling a bit better I can give her more support.

You don't really know how your friend is dealing with it all as from my experience a lot of women don't talk about how hard being a first time mother can be.

Having a newborn, especially if it's your first, is all consuming, confusing, exhausting. I think it's normal for a new Mum to assume everyone else's life is ticking along nicely as usual while she is stuck in some weird twilight zone.

Very sorry about your miscarriage. Her disappearing off the face of the earth, especially considering she has no idea what's happened to you, is normal for many (not all!) new mums.

You've done your bit? It doesn't work like that. You shouldn't have been there as a friend if you were just seeing it as 'doing your bit'.
Your friend isn't a mind reader. I don't think she's the best place to look for support atm considering how you feel about her albeit understandably.

If you don't tell people about your problems, you don't get to be shitty with them when they don't support you with your problems.

This.

I'm sorry for what you are going through OP but you are not coming across well here.

She doesn't know about your miscarriage so I don't think there is anything wrong with how she has behaved. People with new born babies tend to be a bit obsessed by them as it's a complete change of lifestyle. But she shouldn't be completely ignoring your texts.

And just to add that it's almost funny but quite upsetting to hear someone saying that a new Mum gets self absorbed. It's the exact opposite of self absorbed having been stripped overnight of self and suddenly not being able to do a thing for anyone, let alone yourself, other than this new baby.

I’m so sorry you had a mc love. I have been in your situation and it’s so painful.

Regarding this:

Is this normal behaviour when someone has a new baby, do your friends become totally self absorbed at the start?

The birth of my first child blew my mind to bits. I felt like I had no manual and no idea what to do. PND followed quite quickly after. My friend who had a hard time at the exact same time has never forgiven me for not being there for her. It broke my heart but I’m my defence I wasn’t myself at all for a long time.

Your frustration is borne of pain. Thus YANBU as such. But be patient with your friend. And honest. I would wager that if you sent her an email laying out exactly what’s happened to you and how it’s upset you she’d rush to send comfort.

Life is fucking shit at times. When mates end up on massively different pages it can pull friendships apart. If you can’t be around her tell her and tell her why. I wish my mate had, I wouldn’t be so upset two years on.

Big for you OP. Xx

I was just coming to say the same. As a new Mum she probably genuinely struggles to fit in basic personal care eg toilet, teeth brushing and eating. I remember the early days as waking up and spending 2 hours feeding, having 20 mins to hobble (she is likely still in a lot of pain)to the bathroom and shower and the hobble back to pull on a pair of knickers and spend the next 2 hours feeding. The day continues like this. When you have a baby the pathways in your brain are rerouted to make you focus on your baby because they need your constant care. She will not have time to think about herself never mind anyone else.

I get that you are angry. I hosted my friends baby shower while having a miscarriage. Your pain will get easier to deal with

I'm sorry about your MMC that's really hard

But yabu (in the nicest way)

Tbh she is not a mind reader and is probably a complete zombie in a baby bubble. There is nothing quite as consuming as pregnancy and a new baby, especially if there are complications. And cancelling plans last minute is completely normal. Babies are unpredictable. She probably spared you an afternoon of hearing screaming and watching her attempt to clusterfed in her tracksuit bottoms! When the baby is in a better mood I'm sure she will rearrange and you can have nice baby cuddles (assuming you actually want to meet baby)

She prob needs to offload and seeing as you have been so nice with your support, and she doesn't know about your MMC, she thinks you don't mind her moaning and are available to support her.

Just send her a text telling what is going on.

Sorry for your loss

I think if she doesn't know about your miscarriage then she is probably just self absorbed at the moment. New babies are pretty intensive.

I've done my bit. I've listened, I've sent cards and gifts, I've been there for her. When does it end?

I know exactly how you feel. It’s fucking horrendous. But the above comment is bang out of order. She doesn’t even know you need support. If supporting your friend is only ‘doing your bit’ and is conditional are you really her friend at all? Real friends support eachother whatever the weather in their own lives with no expectations.

You need to take a huge step away from the situation for yourself.

OP, and I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I think you need to step back gently and look after yourself for a bit.

I'm sure your friend isnt being purposefully uncaring. With the best will in the world, having a newborn baby is all consuming. It is physically, emotionally and practically absolutely all consuming. You just have very very little time or mental space for anything else. It can make you seem extremely self absorbed, but actually, you're just totally absorbed in caring for a tiny, helpless human being who is totally dependent on you. Its lovely in many ways, but not easy.

Look after yourself. And the odd friendly text. But keep your expectations low for now with egads to how much your friend can be there for you, and concentrate on looking after yourself.

itschristmoose makes a really good point. Your friend likely isn't focussing on herself so much as she's focussing on her (recently very poorly) baby - whilst sleep deprived and probably traumatised by the whole thing and physically recovering.

I'm not unsympathetic to you at all and went through years of infertility having similar thoughts of how people didn't know how lucky they were, but in all honestly I appreciate how lucky I am to have dd now but still find it really hard. It's not mutually exclusive.

I think you need to take a step back for a bit. You're creating narratives that aren't real and clearly need some time to grieve and heal. You're really only damaging yourself here.

I think you need to let your friend know what you're going through but I don't think she's the right person to support you at the moment given how hard your finding the newborn stuff.

Don't be hard on yourself or people who couldn't possibly know what's going on.

So sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your friend has been through a really difficult time. My ds has some heart problems and having to watch a vulnerable baby have a procedure not knowing the outcome is terrifying. It's also totally all consuming having a newborn, particularly your first and when you're totally sleep deprived.

Maybe she's being a bit selfish but can you tell her this gently? I'm sure she doesn't realise and wouldn't behave that way if she knew about your miscarriage.

She isn’t self absorbed she is baby absorbed. She’s supposed to be, that’s how newborn babies survive by having devoted slaves.
You haven’t given her a chance to care for you.
Sorry for your loss, you are in early days of grief.

You haven’t given her a chance to care for you

^this

Sorry for your loss but I do think you are expecting too much give that she has no idea what you're going through. When i had my DD she was hospitalised at 5 days for jobs and all was well but I felt traumatised for weeks after as it was wrapped up with a nice PND bow. I was probably a shit friend for a while. Give her a chance.

For jobs not jobs!

Obs !!!! ffs!

I can't imagine what you're going through, but as someone who's pregnant, if any of my friends spoke about me like this, I'd rather they were honest to my face so I could cut them out of my life.

'When does it end?' Really? At the moment, our baby is the most important thing to me and my husband, and I can imagine that won't ever change now.

I’m sorry for your loss OP, but you are being completely unreasonable. I’m not sure I spoke to any friends at all within the first 3 months of having DD1. I was in a sleep deprived and PND induces haze. Caring for a newborn is all consuming, and the baby has been unwell also; your friend must have been extremely worried.