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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 16:17

I wouldn't allow it no matter how logical the argument put to me

I genuinely can't understand how people can be so adamantly more interested in their own feelings than the needs of the children.

QuitMoaning · 21/12/2017 16:18

People saying a child should always be mother on Christmas Day and they don’t care what others think are really not putting their child first. It is all about you and wanting to wake up with your child every Christmas.
My exH left when my son was a baby so we never had a Christmas as a family. We alternated every year with the change over early on Boxing Day at a mutual place. We would never be able to spend it together as the OW dictated the proceedings.
Every other Christmas would break my heart but my son got two Christmas days and every one made a fuss of him. We made a big point of two Christmasses.
Then ex and his next family moved to the other side of the world. So my son would spend the entire Christmas period with them. For two weeks from a few days before Christmas to a few days after New Year depending on the school dates. I was distraught but it was in his best interests, he knew I hated it as I would sob at the airport but he also knew I supported it. He is a young adult now and this year he is with me for the first time in a few years and I am almost delirious with happiness.

Genuinely Put the child first and your own feelings on a back burner so they do not resent you.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:18

Agreed Hermione.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:20

I never assumed anything. I asked some questions. You're the one assuming.

GoldenBlue · 21/12/2017 16:22

I am divorced and have children. The children were very young when we split up. We take it in turns spending Xmas day with the children and Boxing Day. Each of us have a full day that is treated as Xmas day.

I just asked my youngest his view on the conundrum and he said splitting the day would be yeuk, horrid. He said no sooner would we have opened presents than he would have to get in a car and rush off. He didn't like the idea of the journey on the day, particularly not a long one.

Xmas is very much about the food and family as well as present opening, the child should be able to enjoy the whole day. I this the mother is being selfish and thinking about her own wants not the child.

Those suggesting the father lets it go for the fist year are setting a poor precedent, if they had already made an agreement.

I had divorced parents and remember how my mother made me feel, crying every Xmas we weren't with her. I know she was sad, but it was harsh for us children. I will not do that to much children. I'm the grown up and should focus on what us right for them, rather than me.

I love my children and hate being without them on Xmas, but I try to do what is best for the kids. On the years I don't have the kids I choose not to celebrate Xmas without them, so I'm not sad, it's just another day. I just move Xmas day to the day they are home. That works much better.

As neither of you drive I think the exs proposal is unworkable anyway

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 21/12/2017 16:23

I really hated spending Christmases without my mum. I loved my dad but I only went because I felt guilty. Quite personal but how about you give your son a guilt-free choice?

PinkCrystal · 21/12/2017 16:25

I would prefer half of Xmas day and birthday personally. I think wider family less important than parents both seeing. Yes it was her family last year but she was there. He is only little I agree that he will want to see mum and dad Xmas day.

I wouldn't get into a spat over it. Be flexible it will go in your favour when you want or need to swap
90 min car journey is not a big problem either.
Let the mum have half the day.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:27

I don't think anyone (that I've seen) has said that the child should be with the mother. Most are saying that either
A: the mother is a violent lunatic
B: the mother should suck it up

C: both parents have equal rights to Christmas Day (how that equates to only one seeing their son on the day baffles me)

D: arrangements are set in stone now so can not be changed or
E: the parents' feelings come before the child's

I'll repeat my suggestion that for fairness and in the child's best interests, both parents should be together for at least the morning when Santa comes.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 16:30

I'm not sure a female victim of DV would be told it was in the best interests of her child to spend the morning with their abuser.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:33

At three, they are only just getting into the excitement and concept of Santa. I would hate to miss that. No amount of Skype or WhatsApp or photos could compare.
You two are adults. Ds might want to show Daddy his lego and show Mammy his new doll and pram (or vice versa should I be pulled up on that), but I can guarantee you now, ds, would be happier if he had both there to share HIS excitement.
Instead, Daddy feels it's very important to see his extended family. No concern whatsoever about ds seeing his immediate family (i.e. mother).

That's why I have said he is selfish.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:34

Elton - you believe everything you read when it suits an OPs narrative?

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:37

Maybe the mother tried to stab the OP while he was holding the baby. That's why she has shared custody.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:38

I guarantee you there is a helluva backstory to this.

SlickBubbles · 21/12/2017 16:38

My children go to their dads between 4-6pm (depending on where we are for Christmas) and stay over night. I do think every parent should be able to see their children Christmas day, even if it isn't until 6pm for the evening. It's your first Christmas separated, can you honestly not see a way to share the day?

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 16:39

Sullabylullaby

What are you going on about???

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 16:43

90 min car journey is not a big problem either

It is when neither OP or his ex drive and means roping in someone else to drive on Xmas day.

Ilovetolurk · 21/12/2017 16:44

I agree with hermione this all suits the OP

I separated from my stbxh in August and he moved out in October. This Christmas he is coming to me for the day

Neither of us is particularly relishing it but we will make the best of it to provide consistency to dc but also neither of us have to miss out

The kind thing now to do OP would be to invite her

m0therofdragons · 21/12/2017 16:47

@JacquesHammer I can only judge by my own dc and for them being with their mum would trump Dad (right now anyway). They love their df but my relationship with them is different (not pc but the case in our family). Ask who they want to tuck them in at night and they'll say me. But, as I say, that's my dc.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 16:48

Again, sullaby would you be on a thread where a woman had been the victim of DV implying it wasn't true or that there was a back story (e.g. She brought the violence on herself)?

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 21/12/2017 16:48

The child should spend Christmas Day with their resident parent and non resident parent should make the effort to be there on Christmas morning. No way should that child be schlepped across the country on Christmas Day because his parents are too selfish and pathetic to sort themselves out.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:49

I'm trying to put myself in the situation. So I split up in February. In October, the conversation comes up as to Christmas arrangements. XDH says we went to yours last Christmas, so it's my turn this year. I agree, fair enough, not having time to think it through.
Then we get to December. Lights, decorations, presents, advertisements, happy families and ............. THE REALITY. I will not see my beloved son at all on Christmas day. I try to reason with myself and stick to my arrangement but I just can't bear it, so ask for at least some time on Christmas Day.

XDH is steadfastedly saying Nope. We agreed. Besides, I'll only get to see my family Christmas day.

Yeah, well, F you XDH, I don't get to see my SON on Christmas day.

F you and your great aunt Agatha and SIL Martha with fat Bill who eats half the turkey.

So yes, I could see myself changing my mind closer to the time when reality really really hits and you start to think through how Christmas Day used to be and how it's going to be in 4 days time.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 16:53

Sullaby, so basically you would prioritise your own needs above what's best for your child.

You mention everybody else, all the people you want to say 'fuck you' to and yourself. You don't mention what's best for the child once.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:55

Elton - don't believe everything you read on here. It suits the OPs narrative to accuse his ex of being violent. It reinforces his decision and the approval for his decision that he is seeking from here. Doesn't mean it's true.
Unusually perhaps, when you see a woman complaining about violence, they tend to go into a fair amount of detail of their part in the incident and tend to blame themselves.
This dude's story just isn't ringing true to me for some reason.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 16:56

Yeah, well, F you XDH, I don't get to see my SON on Christmas day

It's his SON too. You aren't any more special

grasspigeons · 21/12/2017 16:57

as a child of divorced parents I HATE FUCKING CHRISTMAS
my parents never sorted it out which is why - Christmas day is the day where I let at least half the people I love down each year and they make sure I know it.

I wish you luck. I don't think you want a solution which is 'fair' to your ex or yourself but one that allows your child security and a nice happy day with no guilt, tears or angst.