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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 15:04

Who helped him write his letter to Santa?
Who suggested toys he might like when he wanted a real life dinosaur?
Who bought the toys?
Who battled the crowds to purchase the toys?
Who paid for the toys?
Who wrapped the presents?
Who brought him to see Santa in person?
Who does ds go to when upset?
Who does ds go to when excited?
Who prepared him for his nativity play?
Who got the tea-towel out when he was a shepherd?

The above are actual questions to the OP, not rhetorical ones.

RedForFilth · 21/12/2017 15:06

I hate the "oh I couldn't be without my child on Christmas morning". I have to work as I care for people. His dad also works in a caring role so it depends on our shifts. This year I'll pick my son up Xmas day around midday as we don't live too far. He will love xmas eve and xmas morning with his dad and grandparents who actually look after him more than his dad. It is upsetting as I have our son 90% of the time, receive no maintenance not through lack of trying, do all the shitwork and don't even get the best bits of the year. I have to suck it up as I'm doing the best for my son. He knows where his at and won't be confused. My son is at the heart of everything I do, not my own thoughts and feelings.

BellyBean · 21/12/2017 15:07
  1. Its bad enough splitting the day at the best of times, when you don't drive it's a ball ache
  2. She agreed to your plan, she shouldn't change things at such short notice
Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 15:08

I'm sure it wasn't elves in any case.

LillianGish · 21/12/2017 15:08

This is going to be a permanent stress every year if you are not careful - and everyone will lose out. When parents are not together you need to rethink Christmas completely. In your shoes I would let his mum have him on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day if it means that much to her and get her to bring him over to you in the evening. Then he can have another Christmas at your house and another Christmas Day on Boxing Day. You can do your Christmas with him exactly how you want and create lots of little traditions that he will look forward to. Having two Christmases will be a treat for everyone and especially for your son. You can spend Christmas Eve and some of Christmas Day getting ready for his visit - personally I'm someone who almost loves the build up more than the day itself. In return for your being so reasonable perhaps he can spend the whole of Boxing Day at your house (your Christmas Day together) so effectively you get the better deal. Make it really magic for him so he looks forward to more and more over the years rather than dreading the arguments.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 15:09

Sullabylullaby

It seems your own experience is clouding your judgement and opinions regarding the op. How do you know how much or how little effort he has put in??

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 15:09

Red your son will work out how it really is, if he hasn't done so already Flowers

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 15:14

Chocolate. They were questions. Can you not interpret this particular piece of punctuation - ?

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 15:16

Thanks for clarifying. Didn't know what that was? Hmm

Hunhu · 21/12/2017 15:17

Why are people suggesting that OP spend Christmas with his violent, abusive ex? She should've thought about all of this before she decided to lay her hands on the OP. In fact, she's lucky to have shared care in the first at all in my opinion.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 15:19

Hunhu

My thoughts exactly. The double standards on mumsnet never cease to amaze me.

AnxietyOCDDepression · 21/12/2017 15:24

Not read the thread at all but she's understandably upset, I'd never agree not to see my DS at Christmas!

Maybe in future suggest all the family goes away somewhere you can have rooms each so you all get to spend Xmas with the child?

DivisionBelle · 21/12/2017 15:25

OP: YANBU.

A 90 min trip in the middle of the day messes everyone and everything up. timing meals, naps, getting him in and out of his coat, dragging him away from playing with first lot of presents.

And a 90 min trip one way means a 3 hour return trip for the person making it.

Sorry: I think splitting the day in half panders to adults and is not in the best interests of the child.

I do feel for a Mum waking up without her child on Christmas Day, but equally feel for a Dad.

For the PP who said 'Mothers do all the work' - can we have it both ways? Is it 'all the work' (of course it is) but then we generally WANT principle residency and to have them most of the time, and Dads get left with Wednesdays and EOW. (I am not talking about wastrel Dads but good ones).

It is presumably your turn to go to your Mums this Christmas, so it makes sense to have your son.

Logic and common sense have to prevail sometimes.

His Mum can still have magical Christmas Times, take him to her family, have a duplicate Christmas. A 3 year old won't actually know which day is the 25th anyway.

At the very very least, you could collect him directly after breakfast.

BiddyPop · 21/12/2017 15:31

Smeag on the margins, you mentioned that you don't drive. It's probably likely that generally you can manage with public transport. But it might be worth learning the skill of driving, and having a licence, so that for times when you have problems like this, you could rent a car for a few days and have more independence when public transport doesn't work - without the cost and hassle of actually owning a car.

DH and I were both drivers from 17, we shared a car when we got married and we were both able to use our DPs cars when we were "down home". I only got my own car when DD was born - and we dropped back to 1 car for a few years again more recently when DH was away a lot (we have good public transport in our area).

While we were a 1 car household though, we budgeted part of those savings for extra taxis when we needed them, and the odd time renting a 2nd car when we actually both needed 1 (like I needed ours for going on Scout camp but he had various things to do off public transport routes). And that worked out well for us.

It really doesn't occur to some people as a "part time when necessary" option, rather than whole time car ownership. (And it also means you might be able to use other cars within the family when you are visiting them, if they insure you).

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 15:38

No Jacques. Because I have experienced just that

Yeah me too. And I don't mind it because it's what is best for DD and fairest for both parents.

kateandme · 21/12/2017 15:43

i dont think you are ur at all.i cant imagine if this was the other way round and if especially the man had punshed the ex whislt holding dc!
but I can also understand as a mother her reaching because it must be heartbreaking to think of it without the dc.but this is natural feeling in splits.and so you will eventually have to come to an agreement where someone will effectively lose out sometimes.there will be more of these days.
so do you as its the first time let it go and bend to her I'm not sure because wont it just be the same next year?
if you could feel it within yourself inviting her over to yours is a really kind thing to do.and maybe youd manage with eaohter for one day.but only do this if it wont be hiorrible and uncomfortable and therefore make the day even worse.
I do think your being very lovely in thinking of her and obviously of ur lo so much here.it tough.and I'm sorry it a decision you have to make.
and I do almost wan tto be on your side here because your being well within ur rughts in ur thinking.the thing that's stopping me is my own emotions if I was ever to be separate from dc.
splits are never easy.fingers crossed you find a way.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 15:46

sullaby. Why don't you add to that list 'Who punched the other parent in the face when they were holding him'.

Just for a bit of perspective like.

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 15:48

You missed off the question mark, Elton Xmas Grin

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 15:50

I am a grammatical anarchist. I spit in the face of question marks. And you don't even want to hear what I do to colons.

EleanorXx · 21/12/2017 15:51

Why are you assuming that it's the mum that's doing all that sullaby? If it was a woman posting this would you write out the same list of questions?

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 21/12/2017 15:51

Basically you both have your own agenda.

You want to see your family and aren’t ready to give up seeing them at Christmas because it’s the only time you can see everyone.
And your exW want to see her ds in Christmas Day because she is hurting A LOT at the idea of not being able to see him on that day. Hence the fact too, despite trying to be reasonable, she gave in and asked you to change the plan so classe to Christmas.

I’m not sure what is the answer. But I do know that it’s not about what is right for the child, despite what you are saying. It just ‘happens’ that what you see as beingright for your ds is also what is working well for you....

m0therofdragons · 21/12/2017 15:56

It's never going to be an easy one. I know iabu but my dc will never have a Christmas Day without me while they are children. I wouldn't allow it no matter how logical the argument put to me. I realise that's not helpful but it's my honest emotional feeling.

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 16:03

Even if (and I'm not saying this is the case with the op), it meant your children missing out on a big family Christmas with their paternal grandparents and cousins, m0ther ?

Inthetropics · 21/12/2017 16:04

YANBU at all!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 21/12/2017 16:13

I would also point out, the same way I would if the puncher was a man that if she was that desperate to see her kid on Xmas day perhaps she ought to have refrained from punching people.