working in hospice is making me intolerant..

[everythingsgoingsouth]

I've been working as a nurse in the hospice for 8 months. it is an amazing place, never known anywhere like it (been a nurse all my adult life) it is a total privilege to be part of a person, and their familys' life at this stage.
however... it has definately had an effect on how I am with people in my life.
I am so intolerant of the moaning and tittle tattling, bitching, hypochondria and negativity of OH and friends.
I feel like I am so much more balanced about things that happen in life, most can be sorted, even if sacrifices are to be made, or diets stuck too, or a bit of extra hard work needed. ( in my world of friends, family, work etc,, not for everyone)
I haven't voiced any of this, and really try and be supportive...but I feel like saying FFS...Really???

I can see what you mean.
Have you tried to explain it to your family and friends? How you feel and how you see things differently now?
FWIW, some of them might even want to see a bit of your work to understand this new positivity and force of good. I know I would.
Please keep up the good, and, much needed work.

Life is relative - we can’t all live comparing the day to day to worse case scenario (though we would be so much happier if we did). I do get where you are coming from - you are dealing with people at the saddest time, but don’t let that numb you to how people feel about things which, while not as serious, do still affect how they enjoy life.

Hmm, I can see where you coming from but bear in mind that just because someone's got a broken leg doesn't mean that stubbing your toe doesn't hurt like fuck momentarily iyswim

thank you for replying.
i don't want to "belittle" peoples moans, but so many of them are so simple to sort out...and i help with that, and always would....
but I find myself thinking " but you're not dying" so often.
perhaps it's a transition thing, and I'll chill in time.
think it has had a profound effect on me!

Life is relative

This.

I know a couple of people who think the same as you. They are some of the most annoying, intolerant, smug, sanctimonious individuals I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

Life is difficult sometimes and comparing the struggles that people are going through in their everyday lives to end of life care is completely ridiculous. Telling someone who's child is not sleeping, who has their own health worries, who has work issues, relationship problems etc is irrelevant because they are not dying is insulting to them.

This time last year I was one of the family members at a hospice where my mother was dying. My family and I spent that time arguing with nurses who thought they knew our mother and our family dynamics better than we did. And strangely enough it didn't make me positive, didn't make all my work/kid problems go away and certainly didn't leave me with anything but a sour taste in my mouth.

See what you mean and it must be hard for you, but by the same token, it's not like youve really gained some special insight that has made you wiser. As you admit, the experience is making you intolerant, which isn't that different to other people pissing and moaning about their petty irritations. You're still exhibiting the same amount of grumpiness, just from a different angle. If the hospice had really altered your perspective, you might be a bit more zen and not let those people bother you so much.

It's all relative to what people are experiencing in their own lifes. I take it you no longer moan or voice any niggles in your life since they're not as bad as dying.

I think it's a bit overwhelming for me, i totally get the stubbed toe hurts like fuck but i think I've seen so much in the last few months,, I really get the "don't sweat the small stuff" philosophy.
I am such a softy with the people I'm caring for, and it breaks my heart a little every day, but then, i think it's making me harder on those in my life.

I get where you're coming from. I felt similar when I worked in palliative Care. I always try to remember the saying

"Telling someone to not be upset because someone else has it worse is like telling someone to not be happy because someone else has it better."

I think it is a transitional thing like you said - I remember when my MIL died it seemed like everything else was irrelevant and petty - but gradually that changes and you do start to grouch about the more mundane things

oh, i'm not anything special! i'm a nurse, doing job I'm paid to do.I'm struggling with the massive impact of what i see at work with my personal relationships, not what i do at work!

I lost my daughter to cancer when she was a child and, chit chatting about Corrie, relationship woes, all trivial matters infuriated me (I was feeling angry anyway). This changed, over time, but if I had your job, I'd feel the same.

It must be so hard to do your job, but thank goodness there are people like you who do it. Kudos to you and thank you ❤️

Yes, I can empathise. My husband had a heart attack and could have been taken away from me. In the days after, and still now, everything seems small in comparison to that. It isn’t intolerance you’re feeling. You have simply realised the value of life, and would like others to feel the same. It does get easier.

Well I think YANBU, but at the same time, most people simply aren't forced to question life, death, mortality, family, legacies, love, loss, etc during their day to day lives. Its difficult to gain the kind of perspective you might have when you work in accounts or sales or retail etc.

I think being a nurse in general makes you a little more intolerant of petty gripes and people making a big deal out of trivial health issues. My DC joke that I am really unsympathetic to their bumps and scrapes unless their arm has fallen off and I hear the same thing amongst fellow medical professionals and their families.

As long as you have self awareness about it, I'm sure as pp have said it is probably transitional and will wear off when you have been there longer.

Everyone's had tragedies (or if they haven't they're lucky)

I suppose I can see how seeing other people's day in, day out might have more an effect than experiencing your own very sporadic ones. But, idk, I think YAB a bit U.

I think it's good you have learned this perspective for yourself, but you can't force it on others. As someone above said telling someone not to moan about something that's bothering them because others have it much worse just makes you sound sanctimonious and uncaring. But if you talk in a natural about how your work has made you see the bigger picture, and they notice a positive change in you that may affect them. Just like you can't lecture people into healthy eating but they may be inspired by your example.

We are all going to die though, many of us will end up in a hospice, or struggle to the last breath. It doesnt mean that the people you have helped havent also complained about ironing, homework, in laws, corrie etc... it really is all relative and for each of us, one day, life will be much worse, but that doesnt mean we are obliged to enjoy every single waking moment and not moan.

Your feelings are understandable but YABU. Distress is not a competition. You may find yourself feeling less irritated with other people after a while as you get more used to the job. Pretty much anyone who works with (or is dealing with on a personal level) death or extreme suffering goes through a spell of impatience with anyone whining and moaning about having a cold or getting passed over for promotion - or even those who are crying about their lost cat or the partner who dumped them. It might be worth trying to bear in mind that sometimes the person blubbing over their favourite band splitting up or the hairdresser having cut their fringe all wrong is actually dealing with other, unbearable things (poverty with no apparent end in sight, an abusive partner) but is trying to keep smiling and it's a supposedly unimportant thing which has made them lose it.

Our girl has a disability. Our days can be really hard. We have all faced things no parent would ever wish to face and I long to have the kind of “problems” many parents on here face.

However, I also know that our lives are different and our relativity is different, and those seemingly minor problems can be really difficult for others to deal with and the simple solution is beyond them. That my life is hard doesn’t make their life any easier. There are people who”s children are far more affected by disability or illness than our girl, that doesn’t help make my worst day any easier.

You face death everyday, your friends and family don’t. If you have empathy for anyone, which you must, surely you are able to see their problems are important to them and simply suggesting they get over it is really not fair, Remeber when your mum used to make you eat your dinner because children are starving somewhere in the world? Don’t do that to your friends and family.

Ironically I am happier since I lost my parents because I used to get so anxious about the small stuff. Once the big stuff happened I realised how these things didn’t matter.

oh, i didn't mean health problems.
i mean the.... I'm too tired to go to work.. works so busy ( but you leave on the dot of 5 and have a lunch hour) the weather is terrible....the food was terrible at the restaurant..etc i mean little things

Everythingsgoingsouth, I think you need a bit of support tbh.
Sounds like you’re getting a bit of burn out to me.

People are allowed to moan and abandon their diets and be humans.

And how do you know they’re not dying? There are more ways to die than in a hospice.

They could all be dead tomorrow in a train derailment, or a flu epidemic, or an asthma attack.

Please look after yourself.

Talk with your manager about how you’re feeling.
Having worked in high stress situations myself, I know it’s normal to feel the world is obsessed with the trivial when you’re on the front line, but I think those critical thoughts about everyday humanity plodding along are not doing you any favors in the long run.

Time to take a breath for yourself and get some fresh perspective?

Years ago DH was very ill, he could easily have died if the cause hadn't been spotted. The whole thing was quite traumatic then I had to go back to work, in retail, and pretend to give a shit when people acted like it was the end of the world because a button had fallen off or something wasn't available in the size they wanted.

It wore off after a while because it's a hard way to live and other crap stuff, even if it's less crap, keeps happening.

you know what... i am being unreasonable...I think I knew that...how do I get a balance??
thanks for talking / sharing... I'm struggling with this...