working in hospice is making me intolerant..

[everythingsgoingsouth]

I've been working as a nurse in the hospice for 8 months. it is an amazing place, never known anywhere like it (been a nurse all my adult life) it is a total privilege to be part of a person, and their familys' life at this stage.
however... it has definately had an effect on how I am with people in my life.
I am so intolerant of the moaning and tittle tattling, bitching, hypochondria and negativity of OH and friends.
I feel like I am so much more balanced about things that happen in life, most can be sorted, even if sacrifices are to be made, or diets stuck too, or a bit of extra hard work needed. ( in my world of friends, family, work etc,, not for everyone)
I haven't voiced any of this, and really try and be supportive...but I feel like saying FFS...Really???

The way that I approach it is with compassion. Working in a hospice requires and develops a tremendous ability to appreciate the suffering of others’ and to be able to understand and accept a whole range of behaviours and feelings in those circumstances.
One suggestion is to apply that compassion to those around you. Suffering is suffering. How must a person be feeling to become so upset about the temperature of the water in the shower or whether the car in front indicated or not. Accept what they are saying in the spirit of compassion. It doesn’t mean that you agree or that you are going to get into a commiserating conversation, but it might mean that you can listen without feeling irritable.

Your job is so hard, my hat goes off to you and I do agree that people moaning and whining about the small things must wind you up so much. people are strange, maybe a lot of them are not going through the pain of losing a loved one or are just totally self absorbed and will never see the bigger picture at all, its all about them and always will be. Nothing will ever change there.
i agree that maybe speaking to someone about how you feel might help a bit?

Whether or not you’re being U depends on your OH/friends really: perhaps you’re being harsh, perhaps they’re moaning, negative whiners! I know a couple

“you don't have the right to feel sad, or grieve someone you have cared for, you need to be professional”. You can feel sad AND be professional while at work or communicating with the bereaved. After losing a patient my DM (health professional working with very unwell children and teens) sometimes used to cry at home, or say she was sad and needed some time alone.

She did help us appreciate our health/what we had, gently, and sometimes get pissed off with DF for moaning about his work, and rightly so really because he was negative, inconsiderate in taking up a lot of “airtime” and moaned and groaned a LOT! He really did struggle with his working life and had a MH issue, but never sought help, so I think mum was not U to get annoyed.

To me, pissing and moaning is an enjoyable human pastime. I'm no psychologist but I bet that it's the Great British whining that stops most of us running through Asda shouting 'you're all cunts'.

I've had a few 'trench conversions' where I have realised the value and life and vowed that if I get out alive, I'll never moan again.

But then I remember how much I enjoy a good moan, and how closely it bonds me to my fellow humans. And I crack right back on.

Some people’s DPs and/or “friends” / family members are “drains”: if that’s the case the problem is them!

wow som pp are being harsh

i know peopl like this op-my own sister for one-our mother died but she still complains about every little thing and i mean everything theres not one positive in her life

the weather all her jobs where she lives shes never happy and also wont accept shes wrong-aftr all weve been through you would think these things wouldnt matter

I think you do an amazing job, but I also think you need someone to vent all this to...

As others have said, do you have the opportunity for any counselling yourself through work? You should have some support.

A few years ago my mum was in a hospice for her last month. It was such a traumatic experience for all of us. But it doesn't mean that petty problems disappear.

I've got two very debilitating but not life threatening conditions which have gradually chipped away at my life and all the things I used to enjoy. And yes sometimes it's hard when people bitch and moan about having a cold or being stuck in a post office queue but then I'm sure there are people much sicker than I am who'd think I was being unreasonable moaning.

My twins don't sleep much, and I sometimes get annoyed by people moaning about being woken up once by their one baby, but then people with non sleeping triplets must roll their eyes at people like me.

There's always someone with a worse problem, always. I feel tremendous sympathy for those people but it doesn't stop my own problems being hard to manage.

My SIL is a nurse in a dementia unit, and has mentioned the same thing. She now barely uses her car and walks to/from work even though it's a good distance just because it allows her to "change gear" and get some clear thoughts. She's really into Yoga too, and say it's a great coping mechanism.
It does tend to put life into perspective when you're dealing with people day in day out going through such an overwhelming and difficult situation, but you also have to remember that your family and friends don't see what you do...... and in a way, they're very fortunate not to have that reminder of how precious life is.

You need to practise some self-care too, don't lose sight of that. To be able to help others, we need to be in a fairly good place ourselves. Don't feel bad to put yourself first sometimes, and recharge your batteries .

I know what you mean but make sure this isn't you being a bit traumatised- do you receive supervision?
Suffering (big and small) is real and front and centre of people's minds when they're experiencing it. It's difficult to process, hence why people 'moan'. It wouldn't be kind to be judging them and minimising their worries and woes whilst they're confiding in you.
When my dear mum was dying of cancer, she was VERY nauseous and I was very ill with morning sickness, I empathised with her sickness heartily and we both 'moaned'

I had moments like this when my house was being repossessed and I'd overhear people saying they didn't have the 'right shoes' for a night out. It stopped me moaning about stupid crap (I still don't) and actually started me on a journey of giving to charities and supporting people. I suppose now I feel like the saddest things can result in some good, even if it's just your own perspective that changes.

(I'm not likening my house to loss of life btw in case I haven't explained properly)

OP...don’t be too hard on yourself. A job like yours is bound to stay with you and colour your world view, especially if you are getting used to it. I think you already know that you need to be mindful not to act on your irritation, and now that you recognise it you can do something about it.

But also..in a way you are right. Life can be bloody hard at times and every single one of us , at some point, will look back on some minor problem and wonder what the hell we were bothered about.

Please ensure you enjoy whatever you are doing at Christmas and remember the world is also full of good stuff too

I can sort of understand where you're coming from but I think you are being unreasonable and quite unfeeling, TBH. If someone told me to stop moaning about my disabilities because I was still alive, I'd be downright insulted! Life limiting can have 2 very different meanings with disabilities.

I think you do need to be careful not to express how you're feeling around others. Belittling something which might be causing them great stress, anxiety etc is a cruel thing to do.

everythingsgoingsouth

Do you have Clinical Supervision? If not then you definitely should have it. This is the place to talk about how you're feeling and how it impacts on your life.

I understand where you’re coming from. I used to work in a hospice as a psychotherapist and I used to feel a bit ashamed of myself when I would whinge about the traffic on the way home when I’d just spent the last few hours with people in their last few hours. I spent time with one particular man and his family who was very ill and stoic and lovely and supported by a wonderful family and living through something far from trivial but I already knew him; he was a neighbour of my parents and was not a particularly nice man (so I’d gathered over the years); bit of a bully to his wife, a real moaner, nothing ever good enough - just the sort of person who is getting to you OP. We are all just human, a complex mixture of compassion, faults, self obsession, kindness and cruelty etc and, at some point most of us are whingers and most of us lose that privilege at some point too. You can’t really separate the trivial person from the truly suffering person so no point in it occupying too much of your time. In the place I worked and in the MH environment I’m in now there was a very good peer support group where we could air these kind of things. I think it’s really important to get these things off your chest when you’re in your sort of job OP.

I remember how much I enjoy a good moan, and how closely it bonds me to my fellow humans.

This is a point.
Moans may not be really taken seriously by the person doing the moaning. They may see it just as casual communication.
If you think someone is doing that, try to lift the mood by talking about something else, or by telling them you need cheered up because your job is stressful.

I get what you say about being expected to be professional and just get on with it. In my experience, staff in social care get much more opportunity for support than those in the NHS.
I think you maybe need to look for counselling outside work, if it's not available within work.

Being tired from work has caused me real health problems. Things like that are aren't always trivial.

Not in the ops case, but people often have secret troubles you dont know about. So a moan about the weather may actually be about something much worse iyswim

I think you've been harshly treated OP. Have a good old moan!!! People do love to go on about all sorts of shit. You just have to read the threads on here.

I hear you OP. So many people in the Uk are very negative and never stop moaning about small stuff which doesn't matter. I also have a MIL who has to be the most ill and the one in the most pain while my BIL (not her son) is terminally ill with brain cancer. Drives me nuts.

I don't want to speak for the OP but in my case I would never belittle someone worrying about serious issues like disability or illness. What I was referring to were situations where the person goes on at length about issues they could solve if they wanted to, or issues that are not very important and they don't have any control over (eg the weather). What I find is that the people who are the most 'moany' tend to have very little time for anybody else - their drama is always the most important, no matter how trivial it really is.

It's interesting in situations like this, that people often take issue with people who seem to become upset or anguished with what they consider to be trivial matters, but don't respond to the opposite i.e. People overjoyed at small things.

Like someone said up thread, it's all relative, otherwise we'd be looking for the one person in the world having the worst time of anyone, and they'd be the only one allowed to complain.

So many people in the Uk are very negative and never stop moaning about small stuff which doesn't matter

That's British culture for you! Lol.

OP what you're describing is something people often go through when they're grieving (as another PP mentioned about themself), when you go through an extremely difficult time, it makes it difficult to understand how people can care about such minor (in comparison) things. So you are basically going through this permanently due to your job. I echo what other people have said about you needing more support at work regarding somebody to talk to about this stuff.

I think you have to stop becoming too involved in everyone else whether they're the patients, friends, or family. It's too easy to over-invest your emotions, whether to help people you feel are worthy, or to froth about the people you feel aren't.

When dealing with the latter, you have to get into the habit of just letting them have their moan and then you promptly forget about it and move on. Why waste emotional energy on someone you don't feel worthy. No need to say anything, row about it, etc, as that just uses up more of your emotional energy.

You'll never change the opinions/actions of other people, so the wise thing to do is learn to listen, smile and move on, whether family, friends, or whoever.

Understand you absolutely OP.

I had a life changing bereavement which gave me a different perspective on life.
You do a fantastic very worthwhile job. But the cumulative impact of your work is building up on you. I think you need a friend you can talk to, just to get things off your shoulders.
And try to walk away from the moaners. Don't try to change them because they haven't been where you are in life, and they see things differently.