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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

working in hospice is making me intolerant..

123 replies

everythingsgoingsouth · 20/12/2017 23:29

I've been working as a nurse in the hospice for 8 months. it is an amazing place, never known anywhere like it (been a nurse all my adult life) it is a total privilege to be part of a person, and their familys' life at this stage.
however... it has definately had an effect on how I am with people in my life.
I am so intolerant of the moaning and tittle tattling, bitching, hypochondria and negativity of OH and friends.
I feel like I am so much more balanced about things that happen in life, most can be sorted, even if sacrifices are to be made, or diets stuck too, or a bit of extra hard work needed. ( in my world of friends, family, work etc,, not for everyone)
I haven't voiced any of this, and really try and be supportive...but I feel like saying FFS...Really???

OP posts:
Loonoonow · 21/12/2017 00:13

I can totally see what you mean but suffering is relative and life is not a competition. As a counsellor I have so many clients say 'I shouldn't be making so much fuss, other people have much harder lives than I do' but if you are hurting that pain is real no matter how out of proportion to other people's pain it may be.

In my own life I have breezed through some life changing situations and buckled under other relatively minor setbacks. I am grateful for the people who supported me through my life's disasters, the big ones and the smaller ones.

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:15

But how do you know that the “too tired to go to work” person isnt dealing with bereavment, relationship issues, undiagnosed health problems, depression, past abuse etc...? You just dont do you?

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:17

Maybe “work’s so busy” is having heart palpitations, hyperventilating in the middle of the night because of anxiety/OCD and is terrified of failure? Maybe they are in debt so badly that they are not sure if they will be homeless this time next year? You just cannot know.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/12/2017 00:18

YANBU to see what you see day-in-day-out and find it changes your perspective on the rest of life. But since this is a job for you and you have a lot of people in the rest of your life that you don't want to find aggravating and petty, could you see if you have access to some kind of counselling or support group? Because it sounds like a hard job and having someone to talk with about it might help you enjoy the rest of life more.

Original poster
everythingsgoingsouth · 21/12/2017 00:19

flumpernickel I do know... I'm talking about the people closest to me...OH, best friends. the problem isn't theirs , it's mine.......

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 21/12/2017 00:21

Do you have access to any support/counselling/mentoring through work, someone with experience of doing similar work who can help you process your reaction to your work?

StarWarsFanatic · 21/12/2017 00:22

Firstly, you do an amazingly difficult and brave job. I am in awe of anyone who can do something that compassionate.

I would tell your OH, etc. subtly that you may seem to be a little short tempered and explain why. That you don't think they are unreasonable but in the grand scheme of things it is hard to find a balance right now.

I think in time you will adjust. You aren't being intolerant, but it will take some getting used to.

A friend recently asked how I had managed to quit smoking, I explained my very vivid cancer scare earlier this year made it easy. Her question had been posed because she has been smoking like a chimney since a health scare of her Mum's. It's all about perspective.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 00:23

Is your line manager/supervisor nice? Maybe have a chat with him/her about how you are feeling - because it's actually pretty normal to feel this way doing a job such as yours, and there is probably something in the way of a support group - or at least a list of coping strategies that your colleagues have found helpful.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/12/2017 00:23

Firstly, I think you're amazing for doing what you do. I couldn't do it, and I'm in awe of you and people like you. I hope you get some satisfaction from knowing that the support you are giving to your patients and their closest at this time is invaluable.

So this next bit isn't a dig at you at all. I understand why you're asking the question and understand - kind of - why you're asking it here.

I don't do anything like what you do, but I work with some vulnerable parents and carers and sometimes I find that hard. People (usually women) experiencing DV; people who've got almost nothing - can't put food on the table as (a) they can't afford it and (b) they don't own a table. And then, sometimes it gets to me and I'm properly upset and then I get home from work and have a surf on here and people are posting stuff like "someone looked at me funny" or something. And I just step away from the screen for a day or two

Original poster
everythingsgoingsouth · 21/12/2017 00:27

thank you all, sorry if i didn't communicate properly...I totally realise the issue is how i am dealing with my new role.. not the problems my "circle" are dealing with.
ALL the comments are being taken on board, thank you.

OP posts:
Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:28

Sorry, didnt see your earlier response.. Smile

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:31

I also want to add, that what you are doing, job or not is actually pretty traumatic and you could probably benefit from some support, as other pp’s have said, maybe counselling, or a reliable friend/partner that you can unload to, would really help?

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:36

Do you think that you may be stuck in a kind of abstract form of grief? Ok, I know they are not your lived ones or family members, but there is nothing more humbling than assisting someone in their final moments, maybe the reality is hitting home and you need to vent?

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:36

Lived

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:36

Christ... LOVED stoopid phone!

Original poster
everythingsgoingsouth · 21/12/2017 00:38

i can't talk to anyone IRL.. they don't get it.
And i think ( rightly or wrongly..you tell me, please) I don't have a problem with my job (apart from being soft, always have been, always will) i have a problem with " out of work" tolerance..

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 21/12/2017 00:39

I am astounded to hear that your employer doesn't offer any support.

Original poster
everythingsgoingsouth · 21/12/2017 00:44

it is traumatic.. and you, as a nurse, aren't allowed to show emotion..you are there to support the person and their family,, you don't have the right to feel sad, or grieve someone you have cared for, you need to be professional. They are the important ones.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 21/12/2017 00:45

Honestly, if you were my friend and I knew you felt that way then I’d back the fuck away. It isn’t just the dying and their relatives who need compassion, you know.

Original poster
everythingsgoingsouth · 21/12/2017 00:49

dinosaursandtea i don't think i've enough compassion to go round

OP posts:
starbrightnight · 21/12/2017 00:50

I think I get what you mean. I think you do need some support, if it is available. A lot of bad things happened earlier in my life and I recognise now that if I get upset when friends and family moan over trivial stuff it means I need some space and time on my own. When I'm ok and not being triggered I really appreciate and value their day to day banter and moans over seemingly trivial stuff - as Flumpernikel said, it makes me glad to be alive just listening to this normal everyday stuff and not dwelling over horrific events and trauma that my friends and family couldn't deal with even if they were aware of my past. It does make it difficult sometimes though as I don't feel we have that much in the way of shared experiences re upbringing etc, and that's when it hurts and I feel a chasm of separatedness which makes me sad.
Sorry if this seems off topic but I felt it did relate in a strange way.

Flumpernickel · 21/12/2017 00:53

On a side note, I have just realised that I used a term that could be considered offensive. That was not my intention at all, and I really meant “have a tantrum”. I have realised since typing it that although it was an innocent part of my learned vernacular (in my mind) it is not seen that way by all, and I therefore sincerely apologise.

dinosaursandtea · 21/12/2017 00:56

Then back away from them OP, at least until you can regain some perspective. It’s the kindest thing you can do.

BoreOfWhabylon · 21/12/2017 00:58

Good advice from GinnyWreckin

Talk with your manager or clinical supervisor. I would have thought any hospice would offer psychological support for staff.

If you are a member of the RCN you can access free counselling www.rcn.org.uk/get-help/member-support-services/counselling-service