working in hospice is making me intolerant..

[everythingsgoingsouth]

I've been working as a nurse in the hospice for 8 months. it is an amazing place, never known anywhere like it (been a nurse all my adult life) it is a total privilege to be part of a person, and their familys' life at this stage.
however... it has definately had an effect on how I am with people in my life.
I am so intolerant of the moaning and tittle tattling, bitching, hypochondria and negativity of OH and friends.
I feel like I am so much more balanced about things that happen in life, most can be sorted, even if sacrifices are to be made, or diets stuck too, or a bit of extra hard work needed. ( in my world of friends, family, work etc,, not for everyone)
I haven't voiced any of this, and really try and be supportive...but I feel like saying FFS...Really???

My dad passed away in the early hours of yesterday morning. The nursing staff at the hospital were wonderful, I can’t thank you enough for what you do.

I’m still reeling from the loss so totally get where you’re coming from. Who cares if you have to work Boxing Day, at least you get to spent Christmas with your family! That chance has been taken away from me.

Mascara. I'm so sorry for your loss- which always seems worse at Christmas.

mascara So sorry for your loss.

Everything is small and meaningless really. Including individual peoples grief and death.

I read the most amazing article years ago. It was about a Rwandan woman, whose entire family had been murdered in front of her during the massacre. She had moved to America and had become a high school counsellor. The interviewer asked her if she didn't just get really cross dealing with teenagers petty concerns, and she said something along the lines of "just because I have experienced the very worst of human suffering, it doesn't mean that other people's pain doesn't exist". Although a hundred times more eloquently. I can't find the article, although I've tried googling, but it was very humbling, and has really stayed with me.
Fwiw OP, how you are feeling sounds very understandable, but I would echo what others have said about making sure you are looking after yourself. I can imagine given the mindset you have described that you might also feel that your stress at the end of a shift is not significant compared to the experience of your patients and family.

Mascara. Wishing you and your family all strength. Xx

I am a counsellor and have previously worked in a hospice. This scenario is familiar to me. I experienced it when I was training. It's apparently quite a known phenomenon. I think it's to do with the transition period you are going through, which can be really challenging. As a nurse in a hospice you should have access to clinical supervision. If not, then request that it is provided.

As a trainee, I expected my husband to start having soul bearing, deeply emotional conversations with me. I am surprised he didn't leave me! It seems ridiculous now looking back over a 10 year period.

I can also say that, that now after a day at work of supporting clients, I am really glad to hear his moans about the flat tyre (yesterday's small drama). It reminds me, after being surrounded by clients traumatic memories, that normal life keeps on going and needs attention.

I think you have had some good advice on this thread and some criticism. I think the criticism comes from posters who think you are judging anybody moaning about stuff that is not dying. Which is not what I read at all.

It sounds like the collision of 2 worlds, no wonder you are struggling. I think your self awareness will help you here. Either you will use it to seek out support, through supervision at work and make it through this hard transition or you will realise the job is not for you.

It is an amazing privilege to work with people when they need support.

But you need good boundaries to be able to keep yourself well.

Good luck

I think that you have gained a very valuable life perspective.

Guess the challenge is finding a way of dealing with the irritating small stuff with humour and tolerance now, there's been a lot of good advice on the thread about that.

I can well imagine
But in a strange way what’s still new for you will become normal and this will fade away a bit . Like for paramedics , police , child protection Workers I guess ?

I am so Pleased for you that you find it rewarding

I'm a teacher and went to work in Kenya on a placement when I was younger. I totally felt like this when I got back. It wore off after a while but It still keeps me incheck!

Like others I understand what you mean but I do think you shouldn’t tell people how they feel. Do you have a facility for getting counselling about how you feel? This kind of attitude may hurt your personal relationships more than you think in the long term.
It sounds as though your job is having an impact on your personal life. If you have a way to talk to someone, it’s worth it to make sure you’re okay.
Thanks for everything you do 💐

Please talk to someone about this. I bet you have colleagues who feel the same.
By the way, people like you made my mum's end of life care so much easier. I will never forget it. Thank you.

@everythingsgoingsouth, you asked specifically for advice on how to deal with it.

I do a job like that and I offer two tips. In relation to those who tend to, don't forget that it doesn't help them for you to get upset or exhausted. You will help them most if you are on top of your game professionally, watching out for the subtlest sign that they need help and providing it. You will get more satisfaction from knowing that you helped them to die as painlessly as possible than from pointlessly grieving their loss.

In relation to the rest of the World, don't forget that people read misery memoirs, watch crime dramas and so on because though not many people would put it this way, crises in other people's lives are hugely interesting, challenging, significant, stimulating. You get to be close to people who are suffering terribly. You get to make a difference where it really means something. Your contribution counts. That is a huge privilege that not many people get to share in. Think how much you have learned from before you did it. You weren't a lesser person then: just less lucky.

So if people just don't know then by all means find a kind way to make them think but if they don't want to, just let them be and reflect on your good fortune. They aren't worse people than they ever were and life goes gloriously on in all its delicious trivial nonsense!

My job is to view videos and photos of child sexual abuse in order to trace and remove them, and identify victims.

I understand the lack of tolerance. It's made me understand the receptionists at GP surgeries a lot more!

I want you do research into two things that I think apply to you here:

1. compassion fatigue.
2. vicarious trauma.

I think they both apply to you, but you'd be the better judge of that than I.

I've suffered both. I let it get to the point of where I absolutely lost my shit at a member of the public for some pathetic and entitled behaviour they displayed. I'd recommend that you get support before you get to that point!

I'd recommend that you push your employer to provide clinical supervision. You need that. They have a duty of care, and they're letting you down at the moment. Also, look at your resilience. Because you care, your work is effecting you. It's great that you care, but it leaves you open to being traumatised by what you see (vicarious trauma). Look at how you deal with that trauma, and heal and protect yourself in whatever way works for you.

If you feel yourself getting "worse", you may have to consider a change of workplace. I know that would be hard, but you can't ruin yourself to help others. At least look for a more supportive hospice to work in, if your employer doesn't help you.

Good luck. Feel free to message me.

My Mum died a number of years ago and it hit me like a train. Went back to work and you know what I was happy to be able to complain about my rubbish commute or weather or work or small stuff as it took the focus from having to deal with the really BIG fact that my Mum had died and I took solace in conversations with friends which were about trivial things or politics at work - it took my mind off my own grief. It is a fact that one day we will all die but we cannot live life not moaning about anything which has less importance than death. Yes it must be hard to watch people die every day at work and put things in perspective but for others who have not had this experience why should they have to hide internally or not express their frustrations about certain things. Two of my friends are cancer survivors and they both complain about what you would see to be trivial things - commutes- service in restaurants and I would never dream of saving to them - "why are you complaining about the poor service, when you could have died". Let them complain, maybe it makes them feel alive and more normal. When death occurs it is awful, it is final, but you have a choice - give up or go on and if I were never to get annoyed by the small stuff again because I've lost my parents - I think it would drive me insane and internalize my stress which could not be good for me. Chances are many of those people who complain about things have at some point of their life faced a trauma and maybe for a few moments while they're focused on the rubbish restaurant service - they're living in the moment and not thinking about their trauma or perhaps loss..... life is in the details remember......

I always think about nurses that work in palliative care and think you do an amazing job.
You must be so strong and have a real sense of perspective on things.

I completely understand what you are saying OP and think it's actually a great thing, to be able not to sweat the small stuff.

You and others who work in the hospice movement do fantastic work. From what you have posted perhaps it isn't really the place for you though. You seem to be taking personally all the problems you see regarding your patients. Perhaps you need to speak with someone at the hospice and discuss how you are becoming intolerant of others. You will know yourself that sharing your concerns can help put things into perspective.

Thebacksofmyhands thank you for what you do. I hope it doesn't sound pathetic to say this, but since having my own small kids, I don't think I could read cases about abuse, let alone view images. Yet we rely completely upon good people willing to face horrific things, if we're to have a hope of protecting victims.

You and the OP deal with things most of us don't even want to think about, in order to support people who have no choice but to live them. We all owe you a lot.

Hi everythingisgoingsouth are you ok and enjoying your new role? I’m also a nurse previously ICU based and now working in gp land. I can totally relate to how you feel as I have often gone home post shift having nursed people who have died some of them very tragically younger than me! Following that i’ve Always had the live for the moment mentality unfortunately or fortunately (from a money perspective) it doesn’t last because my life with all its silly and trivial annoyances comes back to bite me on the bum! I didn’t have to face death on a day to day basis and tbh not sure how well i’d cope with it. Talk to your colleagues and do some debriefing even on an informal basis I think you might find it helpful! You are working in 2 very different paradigms and trying to shift between the 2 can be very hard. Talk with colleagues and also your nearest and dearest as they probably have little understanding of the emotional intensity of your job. Lots of love and support xx xx

To OP: if work won't help, please see your GP asap. I think you might have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) caused by the multiple deaths you've witnessed and exacerbated by the general stress of a new job. I know the signs as I've had it. Don't wait till it builds to the point where you blow a fuse at work, do something you regret and end up getting the sack! Sort it out now. Being upset by your friends' and family's normal behaviour is proof that you're not coping or feeling right.

To Gabsalot: you don't seem very compassionate about your sister. I would suggest that the reason she moans non-stop about everything is actually because she is seriously depressed about what you've both been through and simply can't cope with everyday life (whereas you obviously can). She needs your love as well as some professional help in the form of (free) grief counselling eg through the organisation called Cruise and also some urgent support from her GP. But you need to talk to her first to get her to admit how she's feeling....

Lots of luck to all of you. X

Dying is sometimes the easier part of life. The everyday annoyances make life a long and difficult road. Please get off of your high horse and at the very least hide your impatience. I've looked death in the eye a few times and i have a disease that may destroy my heart valves, it doesn't make me any better than anyone else. Nobody gets out of this world alive.

I get you OP, I work with the elderly in their last years of life so not hospice but the ending is similar, however I also have a child with a life limiting condition, he has had shit hand after shit hand with his health.
This year he had a particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, his lung collapsed and he was very unwell, during this time people with the sniffles, people moaning about traffic/work/social stuff just made me cold and numb and sometimes angry.
Then I met for lunch with a friend and was telling her about DS's health and she told me her child had been diagnosed with cancer and wasn't likely to recover. I realised that there is always something worse for someone happening in the world and I try my hardest to be a bit more tolerant.

I know exactly what you're getting at. The patients you care for are facing the ends of their respective lives (which may be decades shorter than they should be) and other people seem to moan about stuff which seems trivial by comparison. It's bound to make you seethe inside sometimes.

You've gained a different perspective. I'm sure there's a polite way of pointing this out without causing offence if only I could think of it.