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Original poster

dd's birthday and I am pissed off with her - help

98 replies

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 20/12/2017 17:11

Forgive me, this might be long..
It's dd's 12th birthday and I am pissed off with her - I need some help to get this in perspective.

Firstly, she is probably being a fairly typical 12 year old and I am the one struggling to adapt to her new stroppier self.

So, today is her birthday. It's a bit shit having a birthday so close to christmas as it does get a bit lost in all the prep / excitement for that but we have always tried to make it special for her.

She got her main present about 8 weeks ago as it was a bike and she needed it for a specific reason then. She also had a party last week with her school friends.

We were aware that today might be a bit of an anticlimax with these things already having taken place and school etc. So we organised a couple of extra gifts (hoody she wanted and a game), had cards for her. I dashed about like a mad thing after work yesterday getting a really nice cake and I set the table last night with her presents and cards.

We planned to bring her to a restaurant she really really likes for dinner which is about an hour away by car. Dh had a half day from work so in our minds it was going to be a nice family meal before we get into the madness of hosting christmas.

She got a bit stroppy when we were trying to get her out to school, not rushing, wanted to bring her brand new game to school etc so it wasn't a great start.

Picked her up after school - wished her a happy birthday as soon as I saw her. She instantly said 'Oh did you get me a birthday mocha?' I said no, I didn't know she wanted that Hmm. Instant change of mood and she was sullen for the rest of the 10 min journey. Dh was with me as he had finished work.

I asked her how her day was and she was a bit monosyllabic. I could feel myself getting irritated but did my best to keep a lid on it as I really didn't want to ruin her birthday with a fight.

I said we would have a quick snack before getting ready to go to XXX for dinner. She instantly said 'Oh not XXX I don't want to drive there'. The ONLY reason we were planning on going there was because the last time we ate there about a month ago she said 'I think I would like to come here for my birthday, it's my favourite restaurant' and so we thought we were planning something nice for her.

Then we got home, she was still complaining about going to XX so I said fine, we don't have to go. It's supposed to be a treat, not a punishment.

I asked her what she would like to eat for lunch and she said she didn't care and that she has no cake in her lunchbox in school. Hmm at this stage I am really getting cross but still try to salvage it for her. I could see she was sabotaging her own day but I have no idea why. I asked her to come down to see what I had (the cake) and she said 'oh is it cake? I don't want any now'

I have to admit at that stage I went up to her room and had a VERY stern word about her attitude and how ungrateful she was being and to forget going out for a nice dinner. We would stay at home and eat sausages for tea.

Dh tried to get to the bottom of why she was behaving like this but she couldn't tell him. It was like she just couldn't help herself.

She has been a bit more up and down lately mood wise but this was the worst I have seen yet.

The upshot is we're not going for dinner.dh has gone back to work. dd is upstairs in her room and I am feeling shit. This is NOT how I had imagined it. I feel sad. dh said to text him later and we can go somewhere more local for a bite to eat but tbh I am not feeling it. But I don't want to ruin the day further.

I have had a chat with her about being ungrateful and upsetting other people feel bad. She said she didn't mean to and that me being cross is ruining the day.

I wish she was 5 again :-(

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 20/12/2017 17:14

She's just being a moody pre teen. They can be vile but they don't mean to be.

Cath2907 · 20/12/2017 17:15

Go give her a hug. She is probably feeling shit, likely can't help herself (a combo of hormones and Xmas excitement). Ask her what she fancies doing - perhaps popcorn and a movie on the sofa?

LoudestRoar · 20/12/2017 17:16

It sounds like she had an expectation of the day, but didn't tell you. Go easy on yourself, you aren't a mind reader. She's probably tired and getting ready to wind down for the end of school.
I'd go up to her room, say let's wipe tbe slate clean, and ask her to have a think about what she would like to do for dinner to make her birthday special.

Pengggwn · 20/12/2017 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violetbluesky · 20/12/2017 17:17

Don't pander to it.

I'll tell you, if I did that on my birthday my DM and DF would've hit the roof and with good reason.

Just let her sulk

Original poster
UnreasonablyPissedOff · 20/12/2017 17:20

Oh thank you all. That is what I needed to hear.
I have had a shit day at work with some bad news there and then I came home to all that and I really just didn't have it in me to deal with it today.
I actually feel tearful which is SO unlike me.
Jesus they can really wind you up can't they.
I hate spoilt, ungratedul kids and I just felt like somehow we had ruined her :-(

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 20/12/2017 17:21

Welcome to the next 5 years of hell OP. I am.starting to come out the other side but you have my sympathies. Batten down the hatches, expect the worst and hope for the best Flowers

PinkyBlunder · 20/12/2017 17:22

Oh. She’s turning into a teenager. Plus she’s probably knackered as it’s the end of term and all the anticipation of her birthday and run up to Christmas. I’m a December baby and I remember behaving very similarly and not understanding myself why. My DD is an Easter baby, I’m expecting similar in the coming years.

It must be really hard for you. Not sure how I’d deal with it, probably give her a hug, tell her cake and a film on TV is waiting for her if she wants it and start again tomorrow.

Hang in there Flowers

Idontmeanto · 20/12/2017 17:22

She’s being a typical preteeen at the end of term. (I’m a just-after-Christmas birthday and I hate it, so I do have some sympathy. I can get into a cycle of not wanting anything because I have to ask for it and feeling unloved. I hope I don’t throw strops though.
Can you offer her a choice of places for dinner?

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 17:23

Yeah this was dd1 till she was about 17

In the end I learned to say 'ok' and not buy in to it. I think it's a huge anti climax of what they build up in there own head.

Dd1 used to pick a fight every xmas day after opening hundreds of pounds worth of presents - she had ungreatful down to an art form!!

You've done nothing wrong Wine

RavingRoo · 20/12/2017 17:23

Sounds like the day didn’t live up to her expectations. Even with the best of intentions kids with Christmas birthdays do lose out when it comes to ‘specialness’. If you have other kids she might be comparing her treatment with them (or with friends). Suggest you let this go.

SaucyJack · 20/12/2017 17:26

Poor kid.

She's probably got end-of-termitis. Who hasn't this time of year?

I think you need to step up and try and jolly her, instead of arguing back and making her birthday 10xworse.

Order her favourite takeaway, and put on a reliably funny film. It's not to late to save the day.

(As an aside- I always ask the kids what they want to do and est before^ their birthday to save this kind of situation.

Mrsbird311 · 20/12/2017 17:28

I can’t believe people are excusing this awful behaviour, so if you don’t get exactly what you want ( without actually telling anyone) you can throw a hissy fit and upset your mum?
Bugger that, if it was one of my kids the birthday would be over and would teach her some manners and self discipline, open the wine and order a take away, let the little madam sulk upstairs until she can behave like a decent person
I would absolutely not have that rudeness in my house, you’re the parent if she can’t respect you now what hope have you got in a couple of years
You don’t need to be nasty just Pussyfoot around trying to salvage the day, she can have her cake when she’s apologised

MountainVista · 20/12/2017 17:31

I remember being exactly like this on my 13th birthday, I didn't know why then and I'm still not sure, but the PP suggestion to ask what she feels like doing is a good one. In addition to hormones, I think there is something about expectations of how a birthday girl should react and that conflicting with teenage wish to assert independence.

I feel sorry for my poor parents when I remember, but also for my younger self. As you say it is self sabotage but not something you can really control in the moment. I think I needed reassurance that I wasn't vile... Pretend she's a stroppy toddler Smile and love bomb things back on track

Original poster
UnreasonablyPissedOff · 20/12/2017 17:31

Thank you all - now I AM crying ffs -m what is wrong with me??!
I think you are all right. She is tired. She is also sick with a bad cold. So am I. It is a SHIT time of year to have a birthday. It all happens in the one week and then nothing for another 12 months. But I can't change that for her.

We were trying to make it a bit more special because as expected she got no post or cards from anyone other than my folks and my sister. Dh has 5 siblings and a mother. It's the same every year. Birthday and Christmas rolled into one.

She is an only child.

I will go and hug her and see if she feels like going to the chinese later with dh.

I am dreading the next 5 years so...Sad

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 20/12/2017 17:32

Totally with Mrsbird on this, I wouldn't be pandering to it either. I'd stop trying today OP, if she can't be thankful then she can stay in her bloody room

Rachie1973 · 20/12/2017 17:32

Bollocks to the 'poor kid' crap! She might be tired, she might be over excited, but she's still a human being and can be civil to people making an effort.

Its not that I'm unsympathetic, I have a 15 yr old that thinks the world owes her something at the moment.

KinkyAfro · 20/12/2017 17:33

My birthday is on Christmas day, I never behaved like this

Topseyt · 20/12/2017 17:34

I think you have handled it OK.

There is absolutely no harm at all in letting her know that you are very disappointed in her ungrateful behaviour and that she has ruined her own day with it. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. She has though, so pull her up sharply on it, birthday girl or not. I would, and I know that if I had ever behaved like that as a child my parents would have been very angry with me. Rightly so. I would probably have been sent to my room for a good while.

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 17:35

She's 12 Mrs. She's still learning. Hormones and brain development run rampant at this age, she doesn't know how to get back from where she has ended up. Treating her like the enemy won't help.

Original poster
UnreasonablyPissedOff · 20/12/2017 17:36

SaucyJack we did ask her where she would like to go and she said XXX but today she suddenly didn't want to after all.....

But I get it, I really do. And usually I am very patient and can try to see behind or beyond the behaviour but have to admit I struggled today.

As dh was leaving (no point in him not going back to work when we weren't driving anywhere) she said very forlornly 'we never even played my new game....'!!

It is like dealing with a BIG toddler Grin

I hear her mooching in the kitchen so will go see what can be salvaged....

OP posts:
Sealsarewaterdogs · 20/12/2017 17:36

Next time, maybe ask her in advance what she would like to do for her birthday? And when you pick her up from school, have a surprise in the car and be really enthusiastic etc. It sounds like you were trying your best but as others mentioned, she probably had high expectations for the day and felt a bit deflated.

I don't think giving her a stern word on her birthday would have made her feel any happier, just more miserable and isolated. You know for next year, ask her in advance, keep the tone positive etc. And no "stern words" or frustration if she's being a typical teen and giving one-word answers etc.

Don't be so hard on yourself though, you've thrown her a party, tried to make birthday plans etc.

Maybe go upstairs and ask if if she wants to make an evening trip to the shop for some chocolates and treats? Have a laugh in the car, play some loud music? :)

PinkyBlunder · 20/12/2017 17:40

MrsBird

No ones saying you can’t pull her up on it. No ones saying OP shouldn’t express how disappointed she is and that she would hope her DD would behave better in the future but it’s done.

Would it make you feel better or worse to have a full blown screaming match and a shit evening? It won’t change anything, it’ll happen again and you’ll just have another screaming match. What’s the point? I’d not want to live like that for the next few years.

FireCracker2 · 20/12/2017 17:41

Poor thing! Driving an hour to a restaurant when she has had a full day at school and is full of cold and tired was never going to be a graet plan!
I think a nice delivery/take away and snuggle up with a good film

Flowerpot1234 · 20/12/2017 17:42

did my best to keep a lid on it as I really didn't want to ruin her birthday

You didn't ruin it OP, she did.

I have to admit at that stage I went up to her room and had a VERY stern word about her attitude and how ungrateful she was being and to forget going out for a nice dinner.

Nothing to "admit" to. Well done for having the strength and good parenting skills to do this and to implement consequences for poor behaviour.

It's sad that the birthday dinner is cancelled, but she will understand how ungrateful and rude behaviour like this has consequences for all, and she will learn. Don't feel bad, you did a good job here.

She needs to apologise to you, which you will graciously accept, and she needs to take steps to repair the evening.