dd's birthday and I am pissed off with her - help

[UnreasonablyPissedOff]

Forgive me, this might be long..
It's dd's 12th birthday and I am pissed off with her - I need some help to get this in perspective.

Firstly, she is probably being a fairly typical 12 year old and I am the one struggling to adapt to her new stroppier self.

So, today is her birthday. It's a bit shit having a birthday so close to christmas as it does get a bit lost in all the prep / excitement for that but we have always tried to make it special for her.

She got her main present about 8 weeks ago as it was a bike and she needed it for a specific reason then. She also had a party last week with her school friends.

We were aware that today might be a bit of an anticlimax with these things already having taken place and school etc. So we organised a couple of extra gifts (hoody she wanted and a game), had cards for her. I dashed about like a mad thing after work yesterday getting a really nice cake and I set the table last night with her presents and cards.

We planned to bring her to a restaurant she really really likes for dinner which is about an hour away by car. Dh had a half day from work so in our minds it was going to be a nice family meal before we get into the madness of hosting christmas.

She got a bit stroppy when we were trying to get her out to school, not rushing, wanted to bring her brand new game to school etc so it wasn't a great start.

Picked her up after school - wished her a happy birthday as soon as I saw her. She instantly said 'Oh did you get me a birthday mocha?' I said no, I didn't know she wanted that . Instant change of mood and she was sullen for the rest of the 10 min journey. Dh was with me as he had finished work.

I asked her how her day was and she was a bit monosyllabic. I could feel myself getting irritated but did my best to keep a lid on it as I really didn't want to ruin her birthday with a fight.

I said we would have a quick snack before getting ready to go to XXX for dinner. She instantly said 'Oh not XXX I don't want to drive there'. The ONLY reason we were planning on going there was because the last time we ate there about a month ago she said 'I think I would like to come here for my birthday, it's my favourite restaurant' and so we thought we were planning something nice for her.

Then we got home, she was still complaining about going to XX so I said fine, we don't have to go. It's supposed to be a treat, not a punishment.

I asked her what she would like to eat for lunch and she said she didn't care and that she has no cake in her lunchbox in school. at this stage I am really getting cross but still try to salvage it for her. I could see she was sabotaging her own day but I have no idea why. I asked her to come down to see what I had (the cake) and she said 'oh is it cake? I don't want any now'

I have to admit at that stage I went up to her room and had a VERY stern word about her attitude and how ungrateful she was being and to forget going out for a nice dinner. We would stay at home and eat sausages for tea.

Dh tried to get to the bottom of why she was behaving like this but she couldn't tell him. It was like she just couldn't help herself.

She has been a bit more up and down lately mood wise but this was the worst I have seen yet.

The upshot is we're not going for dinner.dh has gone back to work. dd is upstairs in her room and I am feeling shit. This is NOT how I had imagined it. I feel sad. dh said to text him later and we can go somewhere more local for a bite to eat but tbh I am not feeling it. But I don't want to ruin the day further.

I have had a chat with her about being ungrateful and upsetting other people feel bad. She said she didn't mean to and that me being cross is ruining the day.

I wish she was 5 again :-(

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.
So we have had a hug and a chat and we are back on track.
Turns out she had a crap day at school - there seems to be a lot of drama in the friendship group and one 'friend' fought with her today accusing her of talking too much to another friend. This girls is pretty high drama and usually dd takes it in her stride but I think she got wound up with it being her birthday and feeling that the friend should not be mean to her on that day and she wouldn't do it to her etc.

We did ask her if something had happened in shcool but I guess it took her a while to come round to talking about it.

We have had a hug and a kiss and we are going to meet dh for a quick bite to eat.

For those saying we shouldn't have tried to surprise her with the meal - it was never a surprise. She knew this was the plan. She wanted to go there. Until she didn't want to go there today. We did not leave her out the decisions around her birthday.

Anyway - peace reigns for now - thanks!

RemainOptimistic
I think your post is very wise and I am watching this thread with interest as I have an 11 year old dd who has no idea about the value of money etc. However, I have come to the same conclusion as you - not to expect gratitude until she is earning her own money/lives on her own/has dc's of her own it is just not within her comprehension.
However, I would be inclined to say something about the way that she has behaved and the way that it would make me feel too.
For some reason, I seem to remember acting up on my birthdays from a certain age and the whole thing became an ordeal sadly.

Sorry, missed your last post; I'm glad you have managed to talk and straighten things out - its sounds as if you have a good relationship with your daughter which she will eventually come to appreciate x

A friends child has their birthday this week and for this exact reason they do a mini celebration on her half birthday. Maybe get her a couple of small things or take her out shopping or to that restaurant on 20th June, make it a thing!

Glad you’ve got it sorted and she’s a bit happier OP.

Just remember it’s a phase and it will pass. Just like the toddler years did. You might be lucky and it could pass quickly and she’ll go back to being more reasonable.

She's just at that awkward age. My 11.5 yr old came home from school & burst into tears when I asked him to change his trainers 🙄

He said nothing had happened at school & he didn't know why he was upset & angry - the joy of hormones

Hope you all enjoy the rest of her day x

Muddah I have two teenage adopted dds with extremely challenging behaviour, and there’s no way I’d be putting up with that.
And re hormones, a fall out with friends etc, tiredness and a cold etc, they are an explanation for bad behaviour, but not an excuse.

My daughter does this (she's also 12). It's like she is looking to be miserable and see the bad in all situations. Conversations can be bloody hard work and she is liable to get emotional over the most stupid of things.
I'm afraid this is the start of things to come. She doesn't mean it but now cant turn it off without admitting she's being unreasonable and there's no way they ever admit they're being unreasonable.
I would still try to go out somewhere for dinner though, as hard as it is, she'll be upset if you don't go.

Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday, and you are all happy. 🌺

It's really hard being 12 years old at the best of times, but combined with a Christmas week birthday and an end of term exhaustion it can all get to much (I have a teen with a Christmas birthday)

My DD really struggled getting on top of her emotions at 12z She knew she was being irrational but literally could not stop herself.

Nothing your DD did was outrageous - a little ungrateful but likely exacerbated by a sense of disappointment having already had her present and being in school.

I find best solution is to gently tease them about their ridiculousness but ultimately shower them with love and attention. You have to understand that nothing they do is personal.

Take some cake up to her, give her a hug and invite her to watch a movie with you

OP, glad you have resolved things now. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your evening.

I have three DDs, and the youngest is 15 now. We have been through it all. I always informed them if their behaviour was not as expected, whenever it happened.

12 was about the age the hormonal stuff all began really kicking in. 15-ish is beginning to improve, and my 19 year old and 22 year old are both pretty much human again now. It is a phase, but it is hard on everyone concerned. I did pull them up sharply on any seriously ungrateful behaviour.

I think you did a lot for her op, and in a perfect world with perfect children she would be thrilled and you would have a lovely day and you would all sail into the sunset together. She behaved badly, no doubt about it and I would be hurt too. But, she is disappointed, she doesn't even know why but she is. Birthdays are suddenly not exciting any more, nothing is living up to her expectations. I have been through this so many times with my teens, i didn't take any shit from them but i did come to understand them a bit. Salvage the day as best as you can and don't take it personally, no doubt you will get a tearful apology before the day is out.

Exactly, she’s still learning! Now is the time for her to learn to behave graciously and gratefully, I didn’t say make her the enemy I said let it be known that she’s behaved badly and move on by getting a takeaway, her mum has tried to make the day special and had it thrown back in her favery, that’s not on!!

Maybe she expected a bigger present (to a 12 year old, getting their main present two months ago it may as well have been two years ago) and was stewing about it all day.

One of my dc's has a birthday between Christmas and New Year. What we do is let her have a "half birthday" in summer. She gets a cake, a gift, a trip or meal out if she wants one. It's hard to have a birthday around Christmas, it gets very overshadowed and the gifts are concentrated within a week. Obviously I don't ask family and friends to buy into it, it's just us giving her a bit of attention at an unstressful time so she knows she's loved!

My daughter is 11. Some days she comes out of school and she is obnoxious. For a while I was taking it personally until I snapped and had a go at her one afternoon and she burst into tears and said “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel so sad and I don’t know why”. It catapulted me straight back to a similar age where my Mum was screaming at me for similar behaviour and I just couldn’t explain how sad and hopeless I felt. I think at this age they’re losing childhood magic, things don’t feel as special, exciting and magical as they used to and life generally seems very flat, especially at the end of term, being tired and assessed out! I don’t they’re being “little madams” at all - despise that phrase by the way - they don’t want to feel this way.

(Missed update, sorry. Glad the day is ending well!)

Glad its going better. Presumably, she thought the restaurant was a good idea, but being ill wasn't up for the drive etc. Fair enough, I wouldn't have been either. My DD had a birthday 2 days ago. We always had an Unbirthday about halfway through the year too.

I don't like all this talk of 'little madams' and 'spoilt children' off a one-off incident, with a tired ill girl.

Sounds like you handled it fine, OP. The key is to think of yourself as the captain of the ship and your job is to steady it through the storms of teenage years, hormones and so on.

It's also important that children aren't just people pleasers- yes it is disappointing, but for a tired ill girl, driving an hour for a dinner probably was too far. Yes, ideally she should have said this in a politer way, but we all have times we are tired and grumpy and lose our tempers (as the OP then illustrated). You don't have to come down on every minor infraction like a tonne of bricks to have mostly polite nice teenagers, just cut them a bit of slack, but also believe in them and believe that they do want to be part of the family/join in, if there's a bit of room round the edges and a bit of forgiveness all round (which you may need as you head towards the menopause). Rigidity isn't a good trait at all in these situations.

Sounds like hugs and a night in with a good video or a local Chinese might be just the way to go.

You tried your hardest. She smacked you down at every turn. There is no right answer when a child gets like that, they are impossible to please. It might be her birthday, but that doesn't mean she gets to act like a brat and get away with it. That's essentially what she's done.

The thing is, her reward for that is that she didn't get a nice birthday. So you don't need to act any further or do anything more; she sabotaged her own day and if that's what she wanted to do, then so be it. Pandering to it will only encourage more bad behaviour.

I wouldn't call a hug and a chat and a cuddle with your mum plus sausages for tea a sabotaged birthday at all, sounds like just what she needed, more than a meal out when she had a heavy cold.

She sounds like a tired ill 12 year old in a slight mood, not a 'brat'. Why so quick to label?

Also I have no experience of teens but it is my Best friends birthday tomorrow. As an older teen and adult she loves her Christmas birthday. Says everywhere is busy and nicely decorated so even if you go out for Monday night dinner there's a nice atmosphere. And she nearly always is about to finish work. So it won't always be terrible.

I wouldn't be 12/13/14 again for a gold clock. All those hormones buzzing about, knowing that you're being unreasonable/ungrateful/a total horror and not being able to stop yourself. Everything is changing. Things that you look back on now and think were such tiny things were massive deals at the time. It's a confusing and (for me anyway) thoroughly shit time. Glad to see that you've sorted things out.

My DD is 11 (almost 12) and she is the same. Ungrateful most of the time and rude.

I'm glad it's worked out a bit happier. And don't feel bad about all the lovely things you tried to do for her, you sound like a lovely mum who really tried to make a xmas birthday special.