dd's birthday and I am pissed off with her - help

[UnreasonablyPissedOff]

Forgive me, this might be long..
It's dd's 12th birthday and I am pissed off with her - I need some help to get this in perspective.

Firstly, she is probably being a fairly typical 12 year old and I am the one struggling to adapt to her new stroppier self.

So, today is her birthday. It's a bit shit having a birthday so close to christmas as it does get a bit lost in all the prep / excitement for that but we have always tried to make it special for her.

She got her main present about 8 weeks ago as it was a bike and she needed it for a specific reason then. She also had a party last week with her school friends.

We were aware that today might be a bit of an anticlimax with these things already having taken place and school etc. So we organised a couple of extra gifts (hoody she wanted and a game), had cards for her. I dashed about like a mad thing after work yesterday getting a really nice cake and I set the table last night with her presents and cards.

We planned to bring her to a restaurant she really really likes for dinner which is about an hour away by car. Dh had a half day from work so in our minds it was going to be a nice family meal before we get into the madness of hosting christmas.

She got a bit stroppy when we were trying to get her out to school, not rushing, wanted to bring her brand new game to school etc so it wasn't a great start.

Picked her up after school - wished her a happy birthday as soon as I saw her. She instantly said 'Oh did you get me a birthday mocha?' I said no, I didn't know she wanted that . Instant change of mood and she was sullen for the rest of the 10 min journey. Dh was with me as he had finished work.

I asked her how her day was and she was a bit monosyllabic. I could feel myself getting irritated but did my best to keep a lid on it as I really didn't want to ruin her birthday with a fight.

I said we would have a quick snack before getting ready to go to XXX for dinner. She instantly said 'Oh not XXX I don't want to drive there'. The ONLY reason we were planning on going there was because the last time we ate there about a month ago she said 'I think I would like to come here for my birthday, it's my favourite restaurant' and so we thought we were planning something nice for her.

Then we got home, she was still complaining about going to XX so I said fine, we don't have to go. It's supposed to be a treat, not a punishment.

I asked her what she would like to eat for lunch and she said she didn't care and that she has no cake in her lunchbox in school. at this stage I am really getting cross but still try to salvage it for her. I could see she was sabotaging her own day but I have no idea why. I asked her to come down to see what I had (the cake) and she said 'oh is it cake? I don't want any now'

I have to admit at that stage I went up to her room and had a VERY stern word about her attitude and how ungrateful she was being and to forget going out for a nice dinner. We would stay at home and eat sausages for tea.

Dh tried to get to the bottom of why she was behaving like this but she couldn't tell him. It was like she just couldn't help herself.

She has been a bit more up and down lately mood wise but this was the worst I have seen yet.

The upshot is we're not going for dinner.dh has gone back to work. dd is upstairs in her room and I am feeling shit. This is NOT how I had imagined it. I feel sad. dh said to text him later and we can go somewhere more local for a bite to eat but tbh I am not feeling it. But I don't want to ruin the day further.

I have had a chat with her about being ungrateful and upsetting other people feel bad. She said she didn't mean to and that me being cross is ruining the day.

I wish she was 5 again :-(

Could you go local or get a takeaway for dinner tonight? Then if she decides to be nice you could suggest she picks a date for a half birthday with dinner at her favourite restaurant in the summer? And maybe a small gift as a surprise? Only if her behaviour changes though.
As much as I am sympathetic to what a teenager goes through (I battled my first round of demons around that age), you need to still have firm boundaries as you know.
And nothing is wrong with you for being upset, it's just because you care!

I'm with you Flowerpot1234

She may well have behaved badly but she is only 12.
My dd is 13 this weekend so I do have some understanding of your situation but the thing is you are downstairs feeling shit and she is upstairs probably also feeling shit and she doesn’t have the maturity to know how to deal with it.
I’m pretty strict and dont put up with bratty behaviour in general but I would go upstairs and ask if she wanted to apologise and start her birthday over.

you are not handling it well (as in getting upset yourself) probably for the same reasons dd is. ie it has been a tough day and you are feeling ill.
Try not to feel too bad about it. and find an alternative to do. maybe that restaurant at the weekend when she is feeling better.

I can’t believe some of these comments, excusing the behaviour of this spoilt little madam, and the one from Seal takes the biscuit. You think the op was wrong to have a stern word? Seriously? Words fail me...

She hasn't behaved well and seems to think you are a mind reader! But as others said she seems to have built up an expectation that hasn't been met.
That said, it's pretty shit if your grandma doesn't send you a birthday card - has your DH raised this before?

There are better days than a child's birthday on the last(ish) day of the Christmas term to pick as the one you send your kid to bed crying and hungry, and thinking you don't like them anymore to teach them a lesson about who's in charge.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar yadda yadda.

(That wasn't to you OP. I know you're trying to give her a good birthday)

Hormones. And I always get very much like this when it's my birthday every year. I try not to but I still do. And I'm 40.

If she is an only have you thought about having a half year birthday? My middle dd is Boxing Day so we always have her party the end of January so it’s not muddled in with Christmas. We do have a family tea party on her actual birthday.

I have friends with birthdays around Christmas and it is a bit of a rubbish time.

It also sounds like typical sullen teenager behaviour 💐. I’m dreading the teenage years with mine.

Your DD reminds me of myself at that age. For some reason (blossoming low self-esteem?) I used birthdays and Christmas as some sort of test of my parents love.

I'm an August baby so all year would see what presents/ parties / special days out other children had and I'd want my parents to do the same for me without ever telling them what I wanted. Therefore it was never enough. Say they got me a cd player as a present (90s child) I'd be happy, but I'd remember that 'Sophie's' mum gave her a cd player but also made her a cd of all her favourite songs. So I'd get a strop on over that.

Nothing my parents did would have been good enough. They could have said we're taking you to Disney land, but I'd have had a stinking attitude towards that and made something up for it to not have been good enough.

I've managed to turn into a humble, grateful appreciative adult OP!

Was going to say 'welcome to the next 5 years of hell' but a previous poster beat me to it!
It's hormones, hormones, hormones. She's probably more upset with herself, yet she can't control her mood, and the deeper she's getting in, the harder it is to get out. Just give her a hug and let her have a little cry.

I think the problem you had was this..........

no matter what you did TODAY.. it was going to be wrong... because she was already in THAT 'frame of mind' Mum... so don't feel too bad .. this was one of those battles lost before you even knew it had began...

Happy Birthday Kid

She is in a mood for no good reason. No point in trying to work out what you've done wrong or what you could have done better. There's no logic to strops. Usually. And forget about the stern words. She sounds miserable enough as it is. You've done nothing wrong though.

Oh bless you both.

Yes, she should be civil, but she is still a kid and hasn't built up that self-discipline yet, so you get the in between period of having this onslaught of changes in your mind/body, but not yet having the tools to respond appropriately. And I doubt we remember 100% how it is to be so hormonal as a child - imagine having a raging headache and stomachache and having to be sweetness and light - it's like trying to resist a current.

I think she's probably kicking herself and feeling very confused at the fact that she can feel wound up to the hilt one minute and then fine again later. I remember having monosyllabic conversations (from the child's viewpoint) - you feel like you're doing your absolute best to keep the peace by replying at least something, but it's like being poked with a stick repeatedly and this person will not understand that you just don't want to be asked questions for now! And with every question and answer she gets a bit more wound up and annoyed. Not nice behaviour, but I think it may be how she feels.
Sounds like you planned a lovely birthday, OP, I'm sure you can still have a nice calm evening.

Typical moody teenage behaviour, I have a DD exactly the same.

If it was me I'd go have the little chat with her about her behaviour but not in a telling her off way then rather then go out for a meal ask her if she fancies ordering her favourite take away and then watch a feel good film of her choosing.

Like others have said she is probably tired and also if full of cold her mood won't be great but she still needs it's not fair to take it out on other people i.e you & DH.

My DC especially DD are always a bit run down and moody at this time of year.

She's poorly and you tried to surprise her with a meal at a fave restaurant an hour away? And now you're in a strop because she's not wanting to go?

Not being funny but I wouldn't want to go if that was sprung on me when I was poorly.

As for your reaction - I don't think expecting "gratitude" from DC ever ends well. She's a child. Gratitude isn't part of her side of the deal. Not until she's well into her 20s at he earliest and gets some life experience to understand what being a parent is like. Your job is to love her, end of. If you're lucky she'll thank you when she has DC of her own and understands the sacrifice you have made to care for her and give her a great childhood. I say this harshly because you've years of teenage hell ahead if you don't get this right in your head now.

Flowerpot has it.

I don't buy this "poor kid" lark. 12 is not a toddler. She behaved badly and needs to be told that. She is perfectly capable of understanding.

A simple "I am disappointed in your behaviour and that you have totally dismissed the efforts we have made to celebrate your birthday with you" should suffice. Then leave her to stew. If she comes to apologise then consider trying to salvage something. If she doesn't then just get whatever takeaway you want and she can pick at it if she wants to. Her choice.

Her being an only child is irrelevant.

I wouldn’t engage her any further. She made her choice to continue to behave badly despite you trying to talk her round. I would let her stew tbh. She won’t make the same mistake again.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and make yourself something nice to eat OP. You have done all you can.

What’s the game? Is it a DS or something ?

Bollocks, Remain. Of course you can expect gratitude from children. I do, and I get it. The day they stop is the day I stop doing so much taxiing them around as I do, or allowing privileges etc.

I've had v similar-only with twins. I feel your pain op. On the one hand, you're thinking ugh, princess, stop it-on the other, you're sad because you've planned a lovely time, you WANT her to enjoy herself but it's all gone to shit

It's a fine line you have to tread here, and it's so easy to misstep. Don't be hard on yourself and do what pps have said-go and give her a cuddle if she'll let you anywhere near and try and salvage something

Teens is HARD. By the by, I do wonder if any of the posters saying what a dreadful little madam she's being have teens of their own. Hold tight, folks...it will happen to you, too. You think it won't, that your kids will be different- but nah. for you both OP

DS2 had his birthday on Monday - he is only 4 so it's not a massive deal yet but I am already planning to have his 5th birthday on 1 June - with presents from me/DH plus close family if they want to.
He'll then have a party before Christmas but not a big family hoopla.

I am hoping this will balance out to be the norm - maybe this could work next year for your DD?

And I also remember the feeling of knowing I was being horrible but not being able to explain why or stop it

I don't know, I think it's quite reasonable that you learn to express gratitude for birthday celebrations in the family.

Not for simply being parented - that would almost be insulting, as you could never express enough gratitude for or repay what your parents (if they are not abusive, of course) have done for you - but for things like presents, little efforts and kindnesses, why not? It's like a dress rehearsal for life, it's important for children to realise that parents are individuals in their own right too & the family unit is where you learn how to interact with the rest of the world.

Aww give her a big cuddle and hopefully you can all either still go out for tea somewhere local or order a nice take away

I dread when my DS gets to this age and as another poster said,I'm 27 and I still act like a moody teenager...sometimes...