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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Registrar was really rude

88 replies

kezsha · 20/12/2017 12:09

Registered DD on Monday, 4 days old, she's my rainbow. Registrar asked if it was my first and I explained no, had NND 14 years ago. To which she replied "Oh what a lovely replacement"

REPLACEMENT ??? AngryAngry

AIBU to want to smash her face in ?! I was so shocked that I couldn't event speak, also called DD 'he'.

Still seething now but I understand that some people react differently when hearing of a baby's death, as a registrar though, I'm sure this is not her first time of hearing such things.

Do I just let it go ? Not sure what else to do and I'm sure she can as pretty embarrassed by her own words.

OP posts:
TheStarsAreMine · 20/12/2017 12:12

Hugs.

Replacement is an awful word and as you know, not the case.

But let it go and just enjoy the excitment of registering your baby. X

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/12/2017 12:13

That would upset me too OP - it’s probably worth a general email saying that they could choose their words more sympathetically.

That said, for small talk with strangers I would just say that yes she is your first - because unfortunately some people will say something awkward as not expecting it, and it will save your upset.

Congratulations on your new daughter Flowers Forget about it and enjoy her.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 12:14

The fuck?

THE FUCK?

I've complained to NICE before over a hospitals treatment of me during a pregnancy after mc,

"Well I don't really see why you need all these scans" (the usual 12 week scans...)
"Um, because the last two scans I had in this hospital ended up with dead babies..."
She then really hurt me during and made me bleed, NICE dealt with the hospital and I had a lot of apologetic emails.
Nothing came of it but I know the insensitive bitch has that on her record now.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/12/2017 12:16

BadFeminist this was a Registrar not a medical professional. I’m sorry for your losses but I really don’t think these things are comparable.

twiney · 20/12/2017 12:17

I think YABU.

I also wouldn't know how to respond. I wouldn't want to say "sorry to hear that" because it turns the happy moment into a sad one.

So what would you want them to say?

They werent thinking and were clumsy.

bigtissue · 20/12/2017 12:17

Crass in the extreme. It seems she skipped the manners, consideration and empathy lectures for those who needed them at med school. Hmm

bigtissue · 20/12/2017 12:18

Oh sorry, a registrar of births. My mistake OP.

MillennialFalcon · 20/12/2017 12:18

I would complain. They should be used to dealing with sensitive situations in their line of work. It's not as if it was something subtle or a minor misunderstanding either. Replacement is a terrible word to use, there is no excuse.

Hatsoffdear · 20/12/2017 12:20

I read it as a medical registrar too at first.

Op so so sorry what a stupid thing to have said to you. How can people be so cruel in their tactlessness. Huge hugs and congratulations on your newbie Flowers

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2017 12:21

Absolutely awful thing to say I'm so sorry op.
I would make an official complaint she needs explaining to her why this is so wrong and offensive.

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2017 12:22

That's a really horrible and insensitive thing for you to have to hear. I would hope it was an in the moment, thoughtless, foot in mouth type comment rather than something intentionally hurtful though. Perhaps, especially given the time gap, the registrar meant it in a kind of 'miracle baby' type of way.

Plus, I know it's still not okay, but people working for the guiding association are just volunteers and probably registering kids, prepping sessions and running rainbow/brownie/guide groups all on top of a full time job. She might be really beating herself up about it now. Maybe mention it quietly when you take your DD along to the first meeting, just so that it isn't something that gets brought up over and over. But I wouldn't go in really angry.

Moogletea · 20/12/2017 12:22

I would raise it also. It's a terrible phrase and being guided to the right kind of language to use should be welcomed in that profession

It baffles me why people are totally insensitive to baby loss. You would never congratulate a widower marrying again on their replacement spouse.

Hatsoffdear · 20/12/2017 12:23

twiney

A hand touch, squeeze, sympathetic look, a ‘so sorry for your loss’ then a congrats at the new baby, another hand squeeze, ‘isn’t she perfect’ etc. It’s not that hard to be empathetic is it?

twiney · 20/12/2017 12:24

@Hatsoffdear
Yeah you're right actually

TheHungryDonkey · 20/12/2017 12:25

I would calmly contact them and explain how it made you feel. It’s not an appropriate comment. I expect the person Will feel mortified when they properly think about it.

Hatsoffdear · 20/12/2017 12:26

manic I think you misunderstood the post. Nothing to do with guides. A registrar of births.

LizB62A · 20/12/2017 12:27

@manicinsomniac

It's the births registrar, the mention of rainbow is because this is the OP's rainbow baby

Congratulations OP on your little miracle x

ItsYuleyme · 20/12/2017 12:29

Not good at all.
But I'm positive that she meant no harm.
Very clumsy use of words.
I'm sure she didn't mean for it to upset you or be nasty to you.
Please just let it go! Don't let it spoil your Christmas!

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 20/12/2017 12:29

As a registrar of births, presumably they also deal with marriages and deaths. If this is the level of sensitivity shown, I shudder to think what she could say to the recently bereaved also.

I think a calm email explaining why this really isn’t a suitable turn of phrase is your best bet at this point. Explain that you were upset by the inappropriateness but keep it civil and professional. I would hope you would get an apology and a promise of further training for the official concerned.

@manicinsomniac OP means rainbow as in following an angel baby, she’s only 4 days old! Not as in “off to Brownies” Smile

stitchglitched · 20/12/2017 12:29

I would also send an email, somebody whose job is to register both births and deaths should have a lot more sensitivity.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 20/12/2017 12:30

Wow just wow. Op I think you need to complain and I say that as a person who never complain. Just awful I'm sorry.
Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Aki99 · 20/12/2017 12:30

That is awful - do flag it up as that is not appropriate

ivykaty44 · 20/12/2017 12:31

Sometimes the wrong words come out, we all make mistakes.

I work closely with registration services and they are all lovely - going above and beyond to make sure births deaths and marriages are handled in an appropriate way

People are late, rude, difficult due to stress from these types of events but the registrars always deal with them professional

Cut her some slack

QueenAmongstMen · 20/12/2017 12:33

I think the question is: did she say what she said with any malice or intention to be insensitive or upset you?

When it comes to death, especially of children and babies, people really don't know what to say, especially when unexpectedly hearing the news.

What she said was obviously upsetting for you but I doubt very much she had any intention to be crass or thoughtless - she just spoke before thinking which I imagine a lot of people do.

I would let it go personally, she meant no harm.

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2017 12:34

Sorry for the misunderstanding, OP. I haven't heard rainbow used in that context before. [shame] Congratulations on your baby!

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