Registrar was really rude

[kezsha]

Registered DD on Monday, 4 days old, she's my rainbow. Registrar asked if it was my first and I explained no, had NND 14 years ago. To which she replied "Oh what a lovely replacement"

REPLACEMENT ???

AIBU to want to smash her face in ?! I was so shocked that I couldn't event speak, also called DD 'he'.

Still seething now but I understand that some people react differently when hearing of a baby's death, as a registrar though, I'm sure this is not her first time of hearing such things.

Do I just let it go ? Not sure what else to do and I'm sure she can as pretty embarrassed by her own words.

That's awful, especially from someone who will be dealing with people registering stillborn children and other deaths too.

Ahh. Okay my mistake, I was thinking medical registrar.

I would still make a complaint.

I was thinking report too. But on second thoughts don't. It was most likely one of those times that she responded because she had to say something. Of course it was crass but she wouldn't have been expecting you to say what you did and she probably thought she wished she hadn't asked if this was your first. I'm sure she didn't mean to be so insensitive.

Although upsetting for you, I don't believe the registrar had the intention of being crass or insensitive. In fact she probably regretted saying that as soon as it was blurted out.

I think you should leave it. Going over and over it in your head and making complaints is just prolonging your upset.

Wanting to smash her face in is an extreme over reaction and pretty unpleasant.

I hope you can put a stranger's ill thought out comment behind you and congratulations on your new baby.

Can someone please explain to me what NND refers to?

I have never worked as a Registrar, but for a time I had some responsibility for managing a team of Registrars.

If you feel able, then I do think that you should make a complaint about her comment. It's all very well saying that people sometimes blurt out thoughtless comments when told about a child's death, but Registrars are dealing with people who've been bereaved every day! Her comment was very clearly inappropriate and hurtful, and she needs to be given guidance about choosing her words.

Vlad it's the loss of a baby during the first early days NN = neo natal

But I'm positive that she meant no harm.
Very clumsy use of words.
I'm sure she didn't mean for it to upset you or be nasty to you.
Please just let it go!

^This

VladmirsPoutine Neo natal death.

I would send an email about that. You can't afford to be thoughtless with words when you are dealing with bereaved people like a registrar does.

She made a mistake, not intentionally just the wrong words came out your post is almost as unpleasant as her mistake

Thanks, I understand the context now.

That ‘s awful.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt (/assume that she didn’t actually want to hurt you) but I do think that making a complaint (if you feel up to it) might be the best for everyone involved.
A registrar really should know better...

I’m sorry for your loss and congratulations on your baby

I doubt the intention was to cause distress and she may well have been berating herself for saying something so crass.
Perhaps a letter explaining how this made you feel in case she didn't reflect on this afterwards, but please leave out the thoughts of wanting to smash her face in which is not helpful to anybody and dilutes any sympathy people may have towards you.

I would send an email about that. You can't afford to be thoughtless with words when you are dealing with bereaved people like a registrar does.

This. I don't really understand why so many of you think that OP shouldn't make a complaint.

If I made a mistake at work that upset someone I'd get a bollocking because it's my job not to piss people off.

It's not like it was an acquaintance in Tesco and as other PPs have said, this woman has to deal with a lot of emotionally sensitive situations. A word in her ear from a supervisor now may save her job if someone else took the same event further.

@BadFeminist

Because people are human and make human mistakes

I can’t believe a Registrar said that. A Registrar, FFS. Of all people they should be the ones NOT to say something so unbelievably insensitive.

You should let someone senior to her know, she needs someone to have a word with her.

‘Replacement’ FFS. That’s beyond the pale.

💐Congratulations 😊

Flick off an email then try to forget about it. Snuggle with your beautiful baby.

Yes people make mistakes.

However, given she didn’t APOLOGISE for being an insensitive twat, she needs TELLING that it’s a totally unacceptable comment so she she doesn’t repeat her ‘mistake’.

I don’t want her ‘told off’, i want her ‘told’ not to do it to someone else.

It's an easily avoidable mistake and one that she should have have training not make.

If she hasn't then that needs rectifying.

I would send an email. I wouldn't complain as such (although an apology would be nice) but it needs pointing out that it's not acceptable so she doesn't make the same mistake again.

Because people are human and make human mistakes

And they'll keep making that - or similar - mistakes again if they're not given any correction or guidance. No one's saying OP should demand the registrar be sacked, just that a polite email might allow her and her colleagues to reflect on how this could be better handled in the future. People seem to be assuming that the registrar will have realised afterwards that what she'd said was wrong - maybe she did, but maybe she didn't, in which case she should be told.

Because people are human and make human mistakes

Yes, they do. Some mistakes are harmless, others not so.

And the brilliant thing about mistakes is that you can learn from them. But only when you are aware you've made one. OP isn't asking for the woman to be sacked ffs

She was trying to be friendly and it came out wrong. No issue. Forget it.

Sure she can be told, although she probably knows herself and felt a bit embrassed about it surely. I dont think she meant to be a "twat" who deserves to have "her face smashed in". Also the OP's loss was 14 years ago - not that it takes away from it, but she must have encountered other examples of how people can sometines be insensitive without meaning to.

Sure if you have the energy with a newborn right before Christmas to make someone feel bad about a clumsy comment they probably already regret then go for it.

It's a valid suggestion to send a tactful email. Alerting the registrar to her clumsy choice of words would be helpful.

I think it would be an over reaction to call her rude and offensive though. The fact that OP was in her words "seething with anger" and wanting to hit her made me think it was best to leave it.
Particularly if its going to cause more upset and distress to go through a complaint procedure.

She made a clumsy attempt of congratulating you. I wouldn't report her, and I say that as the mother of a stillborn baby.