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AIBU?

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Original poster

Registrar was really rude

88 replies

kezsha · 20/12/2017 12:09

Registered DD on Monday, 4 days old, she's my rainbow. Registrar asked if it was my first and I explained no, had NND 14 years ago. To which she replied "Oh what a lovely replacement"

REPLACEMENT ??? AngryAngry

AIBU to want to smash her face in ?! I was so shocked that I couldn't event speak, also called DD 'he'.

Still seething now but I understand that some people react differently when hearing of a baby's death, as a registrar though, I'm sure this is not her first time of hearing such things.

Do I just let it go ? Not sure what else to do and I'm sure she can as pretty embarrassed by her own words.

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 20/12/2017 13:41

As for the use of reporting her - I find that appalling. She meant no harm. Good grief.

RoseWhiteTips · 20/12/2017 13:42

...the issue of...

RoseWhiteTips · 20/12/2017 13:44

Smashing someone’s face is only a thought, I know. Not one you should have, though, frankly; it is both violent and illegal.

Original poster
kezsha · 20/12/2017 13:45

Thanks everyone. I think the emotions of having my miracle in my arms and the hormones from just given birth made ME overreact to her. I'm sure it was just an unfortunate choice of words on her part, just wasn't sure whether to bring it up with her further or just leave it.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 20/12/2017 13:45

As for the use of reporting her - I find that appalling. She meant no harm. Good grief

If what she did was fine, what harm can come of reporting it? If she's done nothing wrong then there can be no negative consequences of telling her boss, can there?

If she did do something wrong, why shouldn't OP report that?

Elendon · 20/12/2017 13:48

Why would you want to smash her face in? That's a violent reaction. I can understand you are angry, and it's a valid emotion, but to reply with an angry and violent emotion is not the response to take. Not for anyone, regardless of their terrible past experiences.

What she said was inappropriate and she obviously didn't emphasise. She needs a warning and a re train.

Elendon · 20/12/2017 13:51

No, it obviously dredged up emotions so painful for you OP that you posted on here. I would make a point of saying that you found her remark entirely inappropriate and that you feel she needs to re train.

Congratulations on your little rainbow. Flowers

MargaretCavendish · 20/12/2017 13:53

Why would you want to smash her face in? That's a violent reaction. I can understand you are angry, and it's a valid emotion, but to reply with an angry and violent emotion is not the response to take. Not for anyone, regardless of their terrible past experiences.

I suspect OP is using this phrase, just as many people use this or similar ones ('ooh, I could have throttled him!') as a way of expressing their anger, but not an actual desire/threat of violence.

ONONARISTON · 20/12/2017 14:01

Oh for goodness sake, those of you having a go at ‘smash her face in’ - you’ve maybe been in the fortunate position not to have lost a baby and been on the receiving end of crass comments. Sorry if it’s not all gentle weeping and ‘trying to be brave’ faces - the loss of a baby and the awful things people say can make us have fucking murderous unpleasant thoughts. Really nothing wrong with that unless we carry through...

OP a gentle email to whoever is in charge. You don’t have to name names even, just ask them to feed it back to the team. It’s what I did when hospital staff were insensitive during my pregnancy after full term stillbirth

Elendon · 20/12/2017 14:05

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend. It's just that I think these 'expressions' can be misinterpreted? It's a valid point given the OP's reaction to a highly inappropriate remark.

Elendon · 20/12/2017 14:06

I consider I've had six pregnancies, three of which are alive and well now. Just for context.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 20/12/2017 14:18

OP there is probably a generic email on the registry office website. Why not send them sth along the lines of

Hello

I recently registered my baby with you and would like to offer some constructive feedback on the service.

The registrar asked me if this baby was my first, and when I explained that no, we had another child who passed away, the registrar referred to my new baby as a "replacement".

This was inappropriate and hurtful because each child is special to its parents, and people do not have children to replace those they have lost.

Please could you remind your team that asking parents if they have older children risks raising discussion of child death which is a difficult topic that should be handled sensitively, and that service users in this situation need to be treated with tact.

Thank you and best wishes,

OP

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 14:20

I don't think what she said was rude, exactly but it was thoughtless and insensitive.
As such, I think I'd write a note to them to explain that one baby can never replace another, and while you realise that she may not have experienced anything like that in her own life, it would be a nice idea if she could find a different way to express her comments in the future.
Not going in all guns blazing, but just letting them know that, actually, saying something like that is Not Ok.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 14:22

I think JohnnyM has phrased that really well. Constructive criticism without drama.

JaneEyre70 · 20/12/2017 14:27

I just think people don't know what to say when you acknowledge you've lost a baby in whatever way. Though you'd hope a Registrar would have some experience Hmm. I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks, and in the weeks that followed had some lovely cards with equally lovely words from people. And some people sent me Get Well Soon cards. It was well intended, but I can't understand how you'd send that to someone mourning the most devastating loss of their life.......... is it something that you get better from??!??! I'd love to know how, I'm still having moments of grief over 20 years later Sad.

Enjoy your new baby and congratulations Flowers.

snash12 · 20/12/2017 14:30

@vladamir

Its the death of a baby at any point after 24 weeks pregnancy

FullOfXmasCheerOfCourse · 20/12/2017 14:35

Unfortunately a few professionals just don't think - I've been told by professionals that a previous baby death 'didn't matter now you've got another' and also that 'you aren't crying because your baby has died, you are only crying because you've had morphine'

Some people just don't get it, others however are wonderful and deserve medals.

So sorry you were upset OP, the registrar was thoughtless.

SerPants · 20/12/2017 14:41

It was likely just clumsy phrasing and she was trying to congratulate you on the new arrival, albeit badly. But if you want to send feedback JonnyM's suggestion seems very reasonable.

I'd avoid saying you want to smash her face in. That never ends well for anybody.

Original poster
kezsha · 20/12/2017 14:41

Yes @MargaretCavendish, just a turn of phrase. New to posting on MN so I must remember how what you write can be interpreted Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
kezsha · 20/12/2017 14:43

Thanks @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff
This is perfect

OP posts:
Pebbles17 · 20/12/2017 14:54

This was many years ago, at least 35 but my Dad went to register the birth & death of my sister who was stillborn at full term.

He was told not to be so stupid and who would need to register both a birth and a death at the same time :/

I think some comments, no matter how well intentioned, can cut you to the quick sometimes.. I think a nicely constructed feedback email wouldn't go amiss but no need to have a big drama over it as I am sure there was no harm meant

Emmageddon · 20/12/2017 14:58

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby girl.

The registrar was thoughtless, certainly, and she does need to be more sensitive. I would definitely send a quick email, explaining how her tactless choice of words upset you (and would have upset anyone in your situation). She needs to consider what she says in the future to bereaved parents, to avoid causing hurt.

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 20/12/2017 15:48

How awful! I lost twins and someone (not a professional thank goodness) said something similar when I went on to have my rainbow dd. A lovely Thai friend stepped in as I stood there with my mouth open and said "no at home we have a belief that the spirit of the child you lose can never be replaced but they will always find a way to be with you in your life, whether coming to you as another child, or as a new friend or partner they will find a way because that spirit and yours are meant to experience life together and the bond you had carrying that baby cannot and does not need to be replaced"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 16:11

Pebbles - that's really bad, your poor Dad! :(

Original poster
kezsha · 20/12/2017 16:47

Emailed as per @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff and the registrar phoned me less than an hour later to apologise. Thanks everyone, feel better to have said something without it being a 'complaint'.

OP posts:
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