Registrar was really rude

[kezsha]

Registered DD on Monday, 4 days old, she's my rainbow. Registrar asked if it was my first and I explained no, had NND 14 years ago. To which she replied "Oh what a lovely replacement"

REPLACEMENT ???

AIBU to want to smash her face in ?! I was so shocked that I couldn't event speak, also called DD 'he'.

Still seething now but I understand that some people react differently when hearing of a baby's death, as a registrar though, I'm sure this is not her first time of hearing such things.

Do I just let it go ? Not sure what else to do and I'm sure she can as pretty embarrassed by her own words.

Congratulations on your baby OP and I am sorry that something that must have been difficult was only made harder by such an insensitive remark.

I would have felt like smashing her face in too. Because, y'know, just had a baby, bereavement, emotions, hormones, grief etc.

Funny isn't it? Professionals are allowed to be 'just human' but bereaved parents have to suck it all up and behave like robots

Why is that? Someone in a position where they are required to act with sensitivity should be treated with more care and concern than a mother who has lost a baby?

YANBU for feeling angry and upset. People will tell you that you are because grief is scary and public grief is taboo. That registrar would benefit from learning from her crass mistake. She won't like it. She may go home and have a little cry about being pulled up but it won't kill her and she hopefully won't distress anymore bereaved parents.

Surely they have training?!?

Let them know this is not on, then hopefully this won't happen again.

Crossed posts.

Hope that you are feeling better op.

Was the registrar English?

It sounds like possibly something lost in translation if her first language wasn't English.

If she is English then yes, that's an appalling thing to say and I think it was the right thing to do to alert her to this. It's fantastic she rang so quickly to apologise too, it takes real guts to do that and admit you were wrong, and I'm sure the experience will have helped her to think more carefully about her words in the future to avoid someone else hearing this awful phrase. Well done OP and well done to the registrar.

Kezcha That's a good outcome. I hope her apology helped you to feel better about things.
Hopefully she'll aim to be more tactful and sensitive in future.

And I think you handled it politely and maturely.

I'd just leave it and focus on the lovely baby that you have.

I admit I would not know what to say - you want it to be happy not sad "so sorry to hear that" doesn't work nor does "congratulations!" - She/He was clumsy.

I am so sorry you were so upset and I do understand why.

However, without reading mumsnet I would have no idea what a "rainbow" baby was. And I also have no idea what NND stands for (am sure I could google it but the meaning is clear to me from this thread)

It might help you to just think she was poorly educated about these things, as many of us are, and meant no harm or offence at all.

As PP have suggested, she might not have known what to say.

happy then she should know what to say.
Would you excuse a vet for being nervous around cats or a gynecologist for feeling weird around vaginas?

A registrar spends their days dealing with the bereaved and will frequently be required to register the birth and death of a baby at the same appointment. They registar hundreds of deaths every year and will meet people in the OP's circumstances many times.

However, without reading mumsnet I would have no idea what a "rainbow" baby was. And I also have no idea what NND stands for (am sure I could google it but the meaning is clear to me from this thread)

Well lucky you - I'm sure OP wishes she didn't know what those terms meant either.

Most people feel at least some awkwardness around the grief and loss of others. However, it's just basic compassion and decency to prioritise the feelings of the bereaved above your own discomfort. And if you're in a job where you deal with the bereaved on a pretty regular basis then it's a required skill.

Glad it worked out OP

Always better to get stuff off your chest in an assertive but constructive fashion than stew!

When I went to register DH's death in July, the (lovely) Registrar fiddled about at one point and then said something about one of the forms using the term 'widow'. She apologised that it might upset me, perhaps it was the first time I had been described as such.

I was a bit that she felt she needed to say this and said that was what I now am, not what I want to be but so be it etc. etc.

Apparently someone had put in a formal complaint that the Registrar had been 'unfeeling' and the complainant felt 'labelled and demeaned'.

I'd sooner be called a 'widow' than the ancient 'relic'.

Glad it worked out, OP.

Yes mrsDV times 1000

I’m very glad you got such a swift response OP. Was it the actual Registrar you dealt with on the day who phoned you or a manager? Hopefully this will go some way to preventing other parents having the same experience you sadly did.
MrsDV puts it exactly - it’s their JOB to deal day in and day out with the bereaved! Think before you speak must be just about the first requirement for their role, so no, I don’t think the OP should have just let it go. At all. Well done OP.