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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'I will so sort it'

112 replies

Dizzybeez · 20/12/2017 07:44

Anyone else's DH of this category of 'I will sort it' but never actually does?
Examples:
In the supermarket about to purchase more tupperware because I have none (because DH takes it to work and never brings it home.) DH "Don't bother with that I have loads at work." Me, yep, I know. Literally every time I go to put leftovers away and have to use a plate and clingfilm my blood boils a little more!
We can't find the lead for the radio. I miss the radio. Can't purchase a new one because he will sort it, he has one somewhere apparently.
We have no batteries. Every time I go to get some he says no because he can get some from work. That has been months now and I have got to the point of sharing batteries between remotes.
The washing machine is leaking. He insists he can fix it but it's been going on two weeks now and it's always 'yeah I will sort it'. The machine is four years old and we have two small children. I can't cope without a washing machine (have been using it anyway with towels on the floor but now the softner tray seems to not be working too).
I get it, he doesn't like to waste money (he is tight) but he never actually follows through on anything!!!!
AIU for ordering a new washing machine a week before Christmas behind his back or should I let him 'sort it'?

OP posts:

plominoagain · 20/12/2017 09:06

DH used to be a “I’ll do it later “ person over the dishwasher . He would promise faithfully to do it , and yet when I would get home late at night ( he finished much earlier than I did ) there it would all be , sitting piled up on top of the worksurface. In the end , every time he did this , as I left for work later than him , I would go to work with all the remaining clean cups , bowls , plates , and cutlery in the boot of my car . Once it became his problem , it got dealt with .

He doesn’t do it any more .

Mix56 · 20/12/2017 09:10

have you ever rung him texted him around the time he leaves work & said,
"Get the tups, & batteries & bring home today, or I'm buying more".
"If you can fix machine, do it today, as if not I'm buying a new one"
In my experience its because they are just not bothered. ultimatums are the way to go.
I know it seems like babying him, & him not being responsible, but basically, yes, he needs babying & is not responsible & so you are impacted by his stupidness.
I have this scenario all the time, & have to get angry, write post its, & phone to remind him....... I will never be child free

ChiaraRimini · 20/12/2017 09:16

This doesn't help with your DH problem but have you checked the filter on the WM? Mine always leaks when the filter is clogged

ClareB83 · 20/12/2017 09:17

You're a SAHM because you've agreed that. So his income is yours. Buy what you need.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/12/2017 09:18

Does he say that he will do things when he gets round to it?

Then buy him one of these for Christmas.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/12/2017 09:21

I thought our 11 YO washing machine was about to die when it started leaking.

Until I looked at the seal to see if I could see any holes and saw a great clump of my hair stuck between the seal and the machine door. Much relief all round and the geriatric WM lives on.

Of course, you can't wash his clothes until he decides whether the machine is fixable, can you?

nigelschristmasham · 20/12/2017 09:22

Yep. I ignore 'I'll sort it' and either do it myself or it doesn't get done, but I actively won't use the thing that was going to be 'sorted'. For example our hoover has Been broken for months. I said, 'can we buy a new hoover?' He said 'no, I'll sort ours', a long discussion about wether he would or not-he 'definitely would'. Still not done, so the carpet is filthy. He looked at it the other day and said ' do you think we should hoover?' 'Yes, I do-what with?'
It's driving me mad tbh, but I'm not caving!

whiskyowl · 20/12/2017 09:22

I agree with the wise PP who said that you need to set a deadline. When your DH says he'll sort it out, say "I need it done by Friday, if it's not done by then I am buying a new one". You're then giving him the opportunity to sort it out, but you're also protecting yourself from the huge amount of inconvenience that results from him not doing so.

winelover42 · 20/12/2017 09:25

House work should be split evenly if you both work as it is unfair on you if you have a job AND the housework, and even if you are a STAHM its important to pitch in especially when the kids are little and cant help yet . Just buy what you need to make your life easier

winelover42 · 20/12/2017 09:27

Great news! Glad to hear this wonderful update :)

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/12/2017 09:27

Gosh. You're an autonomous human being. Just because you're a SAHM, doesn't make you his skivvy or employee.

If he doesn't sort things, then you do. You're allowed, you know.

mustbemad17 · 20/12/2017 09:28

I'm single so not much help i'm afraid, but I love some of the comments...Plominoagain taking clean cutlery in your boot is genius!!

I'd just do what other PP have said; make a list, stick it somewhere really obvious with a deadline. If he won't meet the deadline, you go buy what you need. And i think a nice, shiny, new radio is definitely on the cards for having to deal with such a man-child!!

coalit · 20/12/2017 09:29

It's a slippery slope, I'm very capable and gradually took over all "the sorting". We are now retired and everything is done by me, he has hobbies.

Lillylollylandy · 20/12/2017 09:30

@plominoagain

In the end , every time he did this , as I left for work later than him , I would go to work with all the remaining clean cups , bowls , plates , and cutlery in the boot of my car . Once it became his problem , it got dealt with .

This is absolute genius. I actually laughed out loud when I read it - so simple yet so effective!

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/12/2017 09:31

My XH used to say this about the washing up. 'Oh, I'll do it.' Never did. Just used to shout when I would eventually have to do it (on account of running out of plates) - 'I SAID I'd do it!' But if I reminded him I was 'nagging', which meant he'd leave it even longer.

Think he washed up twice in our entire marriage.

Fiere · 20/12/2017 09:33

My XH used to say this about the washing up. 'Oh, I'll do it.' Never did. Just used to shout when I would eventually have to do it (on account of running out of plates) - 'I SAID I'd do it!' But if I reminded him I was 'nagging', which meant he'd leave it even longer.

Yup. This is my life. Except mine is not ex, but current

Original poster

Dizzybeez · 20/12/2017 09:33

Thank you for or the replies everyone. See lots of people in the same situation! Also interesting to hear others views.
We have been together 15 years but only lived together for two, and I only gave up work last year when we had our daughter. I'm still adjusting to this living together lark. Pre living together, especially as I was working, I obviously just took charge and replaced things as necessary (not Tupperware though as that didn't go missing lol). When money is tight and someone says they can sort it for free it's seems frivolous to just buy new (repairmen scare me for some reason always worry about getting ripped off but it's a rubbish attitude and I will look into this). However it obviously becomes super frustrating when that never happens.
I am the 'spender' in this house but it's only because I organise everything- new clothes, food for the week, bits and pieces for the kids etc. It's a bigger issue I guess isn't it. I get seen as the frivolous one for simply doing what needs to be done.
I will speak to him again, you have all given me a different perspective and some ideas which I will use to have a proper chat with him and I'm sure we can come up with a solution. He does drives me nuts but I do also sorta kinda love him, lol.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 09:34

This put me in mind of my friend's mum, who dragged her washing machine out every time she used it for 12 years so she could plumb it to the tap and it could discharge into the sink. Her dh was going to plumb it in properly so she wouldn't call a plumber.

If it matters to me I tend to do it myself, or pay someone to do it (joint account). If dh wants to "sort it" to save money he gets a couple of weeks. To be fair, he generally accepts that with good grace.

BelleandBeast · 20/12/2017 09:36

One here too. Thing is, he thinks he can do stuff (dIY) but can't but won't get anybody in either.

We once had a stand off about getting some shelves put up, he didn't want me to get anybody in as it made him feel bad.

Now I just get on and do it myself, painting, fixing etc. I really don't need him at all for anything.

BelleandBeast · 20/12/2017 09:39

Domestic and general do an emergency repair policy which you over 12 months.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 09:41

Oh and don't under-estimate the benefits of paying professional trades people to do stuff for you, if you can afford it. Dh is very handy and I'm not bad, and we are both careful with money quite tight so we have always tended to do stuff ourselves. But because we are short of time things tend to take ages. Last year we payed for someone to decorate the hall and stairs for us (big job, old paper needing removiong, walls patching then relining, crap niche removing etc). It was transformative - everything was done and dusted in 10 days and he painted the porch for us (been on the to do list for ages). It would have taken us 2 years!

yrhengi · 20/12/2017 09:48

Do it. Look blank when he mentions the remote is now working/there is a radio in the kitchen/the cupboard is full of Tupperware. Say, 'But you sorted it.' Watch as he starts to go slightly mad.

(Don't really do this.)

AgathaF · 20/12/2017 10:01

Just crack on and do it yourself.

An additional point though We have no batteries. Every time I go to get some he says no because he can get some from work - I read that as "steal some from work". I hope that's not the case.

Bowerbird5 · 20/12/2017 10:02

Haha! Barbara you beat me to it! I got DH one of those afraid it didn't improve anything. I was hopeful😢

I don't ask now. I just get on with things.
I would get repair man then if it can't be fixed order a new machine.
You could really embarrass him and turn up at his work with a bag to stuff Tupperware in.
Ask for a radio for Christmas. Your own.
Surely you can go buy batteries.

I agree with Barbara about getting someone in. I know some one who is a bit of a handy man and he did this when he was made redundant until he got another job. I got him in to do a couple of jobs while DH was away. It was great he came to look at the job we assessed time taken and price per hour. He came the following two Saturday's and job was done. He did a small one that DH was going to do for twenty years in one hour! I make a list now and just ring Kevin every now and then. Have some outdoor jobs lined up for spring. Just thought of another one. It is liberating to ask, get it done the way you want and get it done. Just pay. Scrimp on other things if you need to and save up.

KnowItNo · 20/12/2017 10:03

My BIL is like this and drives me DSIS crazy. I have been encouraging her to just take control and order the new washing machine/get in the plumber etc.

Me on the other hand had the exact opposite problem with DH - binning things (even big things like washing machines) that could be easily fixed for minor cost/effort and buying news ones. Argh the waste!!! When we moved in together it took a couple of years to stop that... slight tendency is still there but we've both got better at DIY through renovating a house and he's more inclined to go straight to the fix-it option now.

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