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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my Mum on her own at Christmas?

89 replies

DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 12:33

I haven't really spoken to my Mum for a few years. I fell out with her something trivial that turned into an argument about her priorities, I've always felt like an inconvenience to her. She's not contacted me since.

I've seen her a few times at social events and said hello to her but that is it. She has removed the Power of Attorney that I previously had, which is fine. She didn't tell me this herself, it was a legal letter telling me it had been removed.

My children have seen her occasionally, generally at my instigation, e.g. a text from me or sometimes my sister would ask to take them to see her. I always agree when asked, Mum never asks directly and often finds an excuse not to see them anyhow.

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well. I said that she is welcome to come over here, my husband will pick her up and bring her back but she doesn't want that. I've said no, that I don't want to be on my own for Christmas day afternoon (it will take an hour to get there and back). So AIBU?

OP posts:
Frederickvonhefferneffer · 18/12/2017 12:37

Maybe Christmas is the time for you two to make a new start. Your feud can’t be easy on the rest of your family. I would go and see her to talk about the problems, see if you can draw a line under it and be friends again. Bury your pride and make the first move. If it doesn’t work at least you can say you’ve tried. Life is short, she’s your Mum, families are important.

Original poster
DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 12:48

The thing is, I don't think it is pride that has stopped me talking to her. It's more that my life has been improved by not seeing her. She evidently feels the same.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 12:51

I don't think it is fair for your sister to ask that.

Piffle11 · 18/12/2017 12:55

I think it depends on whether or not you actually WANT a relationship with this woman, and do you want your children to have a relationship with her? Some people are just toxic, and beating yourself up because 'they are family' is just mental torture. There is someone in my close family that my DH and I are becoming more distant with: the hassle they bring on a day in, day out basis means that they bring absolutely no joy to our lives whatsoever, only agitation and anger. You have offered a solution meaning that your mother would not be alone on Christmas Day: she has refused this offer and wants you to do what she wants instead. Whatever issues you have with her, I think there is absolutely no excuse for her to distance herself from her DGC. You had a petty row, it escalated, and now to my mind she's still huffing and puffing about it. I don't know anyone who would still be stand offish after a few years - she should have grabbed your hand off when you offered for her to come and visit. Personally I wouldn't go, because she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants, even though you've made a very kind offer. She may still be 'off' with you if you went to her house and then you'd spend the rest of the day being upset and angry with yourself for going over. Your family is your DH and your DC - they come first. I just think that she's had ample chance to make it up with you, but doesn't seem to want to, and having you go to her rather than the other way around is a sort of triumph: she hasn't had to make the effort, you have.

KC225 · 18/12/2017 12:55

I don't blame you for not wanting to spend Christmas afternoon alone, especially for a woman who appears a bit of a cold fish. She is reaping what she sewed. You have offered for her to come to you and she has said 'no'. She hasn't asked for a visit though has she, it's come from your sister. When she said 'no' ronyiyr invitation did she invite you all to hers or was it a a flat 'no'. How do your DH and children feel about it, do they want to go or it is it obligation.

I haven't fallen out with my Mother. I live in a European country that my elderly Mother refuses to visit becausr she says she is too old to travel. I have offered to come back and travel with her. My brother has offered to bring her but she refuses. Her place is too small to house us and she doesn't do decorations, tree or put the Christmas cards up anymore. Christmas crackers are a waste of money and Turkey and trimmings are boring. I want my children to have a 'fun' Christmas. It is not their fault Granny thinks it's all a waste of time now. I visit on my own before a week before and we phone on Christmas day.

Piffle11 · 18/12/2017 12:59

Also, as BlackTea said, your sister has put you in an awkward position. I'm guessing that she can't be there with DM so is trying to alleviate the guilt that she's probably had heaped on her, by passing the buck, so to speak!

TalkinBoutWhat · 18/12/2017 13:01

So your Sister wants YOU to stay at home, and your DH and your DC to go visit your mother?!

She can fuck right off.

This whole business about grandparents having the right to have a relationship with their grandchildren while ignoring/being arseholes to their children is ludicrous and I don't understand why people tolerate it. If you can't be nice to me, then you don't get to see my children. End of.

pigeondujour · 18/12/2017 13:02

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well

That's completely batshit. Why on earth would your husband agree to that? Why can't your sister go herself?

Original poster
DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 13:02

I don't think I really want a relationship with her. The times she upset me outnumber the times that I valued any contact with her.

We don't have much family left, so I've wanted my children to have some contact with her. She is generally nicer to them and it's not such a complicated relationship. But I don't want them ending up feeling they have to run around after her, like my sister currently does (well as long as she hasn't got anything else on).

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 13:05

My (childless) sister is spending Christmas Day with her inlaws. She seems to think that it would be nice for me to have a break for an hour or two. I've suggested that she changes her plans rather than mine.

My husband is appalled at the suggestion and would not leave me on my own. I just feel guilty and upset though.

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 18/12/2017 13:07

I’m with the pp who suggested this might be the time for an olive branch. Why not all go over to see her for an hour or so on Christmas morning? Take some sort of offering (chocolate, wine?) and see joe it goes. No-one is forcing you to reestablish a full on relationship with her, but she’s your mother at the end of the day. If you go in the morning she may be pursuaded to come back to yours for lunch or something.

It sounds like a minor thing has been blown out of proportion and could be mended with a bit of good will on both sides.

HeyRoly · 18/12/2017 13:10

I think your sister has put you in an awkward position. You are NC with your mother for what sounds like a good reason. She only wants you to step in to relieve her own feelings of guilt/obligation after all.

If you want to contact your mother again then it needs to be done slowly and on your own terms. Not under duress and not at Christmas.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2017 13:11

How very nice of your DSis to plan your family's Christmas day. Shock

Aki99 · 18/12/2017 13:12

If you are happier without her I wouldn't worry. Your sister can always take the time to visit her. Not perfect situation but Ive stopped talking to an immediate family member and never felt better

Aki99 · 18/12/2017 13:12

Suggest she sends her husband/children instead

Aki99 · 18/12/2017 13:13

Don't feel guilty

Aki99 · 18/12/2017 13:14

Suggest she invite DM to inlaws

Note3 · 18/12/2017 13:14

I come from a family with issue. The specifics differ but the emotional blackmail doesn't! I agree with piffle upthread and the poster after. You have offered company (even though you'd likely rather not see your mum at all Christmas day) so there's no reason to feel bad or guilted into other arrangements.

If your sister is so bothered she could easily have your mum join her at her in-laws.. .they're your mum's extended family too in effect

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 13:14

I think sometimes 'no contact' can be a really helpful, effective strategy.

In others, though, it's more of a pause button. It stops the pain of contact, but it doesn't deal with the pain of past contacts that have gone wrong.

Sometimes a better solution is to have contact in a highly bounded way - where you have walls up that prevent you being hurt, or guilted.
This takes work to put into place (counselling), but in my case it has actually led me to deal with and largely to resolve the pain of the past, so that I am finally free of it. You can't control her behaviour, but you can control your reactions to it.

diddl · 18/12/2017 13:15

Well, she has certainly made her postion clear, hasn't she?

Would your kids want to see her?

That said, if your husband has said no, it's a moot point.

TalkinBoutWhat · 18/12/2017 13:15

She is generally nicer to them and it's not such a complicated relationship

Be careful. There are a lot of posters on MN whose parents have turned their grandchildren against their children/children's parents. They never saw what was coming until too late.

Don't forget, your mother does NOT have your best interests at heart. She won't care if your children don't like you. You won't know until too late if she has been dripping poison into their ears.

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 13:17

You should not feel guilty or upset.

She isn't extending an olive branch here. She hasn't invited you. Just wants to use her grand children to alleviate her boredom because no-one else is visiting.

QueenUnicorn · 18/12/2017 13:17

No, she would come to you if she didn't want to be alone. The rest is not your problem.

troodiedoo · 18/12/2017 13:19

Tell your sister get to fuck.

No no no. I'd go full non contact if I were you.

InappropriateUsername · 18/12/2017 13:20

You will feel guilty if you are a nice person but that does not mean this is your fault. Stick to your guns, you have invited her to yours so it is her choice if she wants to see your kids or stay on her own all day.