To leave my Mum on her own at Christmas?

[DianaDilemma]

I haven't really spoken to my Mum for a few years. I fell out with her something trivial that turned into an argument about her priorities, I've always felt like an inconvenience to her. She's not contacted me since.

I've seen her a few times at social events and said hello to her but that is it. She has removed the Power of Attorney that I previously had, which is fine. She didn't tell me this herself, it was a legal letter telling me it had been removed.

My children have seen her occasionally, generally at my instigation, e.g. a text from me or sometimes my sister would ask to take them to see her. I always agree when asked, Mum never asks directly and often finds an excuse not to see them anyhow.

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well. I said that she is welcome to come over here, my husband will pick her up and bring her back but she doesn't want that. I've said no, that I don't want to be on my own for Christmas day afternoon (it will take an hour to get there and back). So AIBU?

YABU

Your DM and you are cut from the same cloth. Just go and see your mother before Christmas and talk to her. How bad could it be compared to the crying and fretting you're doing now? I say this as someone who didn't have an easy relationship with my parents.

Btw even if christmas lunch was a 'big deal' for all concerned, your sister seems to think it would be too much, that would show the entire family that she intends to make the effort.
If she is too ill to come to you for lunch (and it is not far) then she is too ill to have visitors surely? So I would not be accepting that as an excuse.

As far as your sister is concerned, if you are still prepared to put up her behaviour for the sake of peace I would remind her that you have invited your dm and it was her decision not to come, there any duty that she imagines you to have has been fulfilled.

Next year at a quieter time you need to meet up with dsis for a coffee and tell her gently that you do not expect to be put in that position again. If she has any future ideas, she needs to discuss them with you first.

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”
― Philip Larkin

PS I disagree with the depressing end and think it is meant in jest, but love this poem anyway.

Yanbu.
Kind of your sister to arrange for you to be alone at Christmas.
Do not feel guilty. Flying monkey sister can jog on.

I don't think you should change your plans or spend hours on your own on Christmas Day. But I also don't think your sister should have to change her plans either. Your mum is an adult, it's her responsibility to sort her own plans for Christmas.

Diana

"I don't think she is toxic either though, she just never really liked or bonded with me and saw me as a problem. This affected my relationship with my daughter when she was little, and I have had therapy about this, as I felt like I was my Mum and she was me. I wanted to break that cycle and hope I have".

That first sentence of yours is a sad indictment of what your mother is like. Emotionally healthy parents do NOT ever not like their children or see their children as a problem. Your mother, instead of seeking the necessary help, took all her ills out on you and your sister although she was probably more favoured and remains so. People from dysfunctional families like your family of origin end up playing roles; what is your assigned role here in your family of origin?.

Adult children of parents like yours seek therapy; I am glad you did this and am not surprised at all to read that you have had some therapy previously. It was necessary and warranted and is often triggered by the adult becoming a parent themselves. Please consider further therapy with any residual feelings of fear, obligation and guilt re your mother and your wanting your children to see her. You will thank your own self for doing so.

It sounds like Christmas for your mother was a highly regimented miserable affair.

You are not your mother nor an extension of her; you have two qualities that she sadly lacks and those are empathy and insight. You unlike she sought the necessary help and for that you should be commended. You will not and would never dream of treating your children in the ways your mother treated you so the cycle has stopped with you.

could you post a letter through her letter box or go see her now.just to see whether she would like to come on the day.or before or after.then you've done all you can.and its in words from yourself.
but also if it really did harm you in seeing her then even doing this might not be a good idea for you.
I'm glad ur dh things its a bad idea.how dare they think you should then be alone.
if you have offered to have her then that's all u can do.if she wont let you go roun to her then again you've done your best with this situation.dont feel guilt or fret more on this.it wont make ur own day miserable.when what more could you honestly do?nothing.
take care of yourself now.worrying over this wont help.nor will the added background of a sadness about the state of your relationship with someone who shouldn't be treating your like this.that in itself will be adding a background set of emotions to this time of year and situation.
be happy.if this effects you it will carry down to ur own dcs and that something you don't want to do eh.
so go have lovely day.xx

I firmly believe that the relationship between parent- child is an ongoing one into adulthood so just because someone raised you doesn't mean they get a free pass to act like an arse once you're 18.

The OP's mum could just as easily try and get back in touch, but hasn't either.

She's choosing to be on her own though, if she's choosing not to rebuild her relationship with you. You're not responsible for that. It sounds like you tried if you send the children over sometimes and she prefers it this way.

YANBU and i don’t care what anyone else thinks but I wouldn’t send my kids to her either. My grandmother was vile to my mum (dads mum) in front of us as children constantly. Even though our mum and dad insisted we see her and respect her, I disliked her intensely and felt any time spent with her was an awful waste of time. I felt like this as a child and I still feel like this. I later learned age was an awful mum to my dad too- I don’t really understand what they thought we’d gain from having her in our lives.

Your mum is trying to divide and conquer. Don’t let it happen. Just say that unless it’s a familiy get together there will be nothing else happening.

when you refuse to spend even a couple of hours once a year with someone who raised you for 18 years or more you teach your children ingratitude. You imply to them that they need to be perfect to be loved. You teach them that parents should always be perfect.

Of course the comments here are either from those who are not parents at all or are such perfect parents that you do not expect your children will ever want to go no contact with you - but you've shown them that me, me, me is what matters.

Oh do shut up alreadytaken

Your lack of comprehension, empathy and basic knowledge is astounding.

You clearly have zero experience in difficult parents/narcissistic behaviour, so why wade in with your shonky proclamations?

Seriously