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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my Mum on her own at Christmas?

89 replies

DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 12:33

I haven't really spoken to my Mum for a few years. I fell out with her something trivial that turned into an argument about her priorities, I've always felt like an inconvenience to her. She's not contacted me since.

I've seen her a few times at social events and said hello to her but that is it. She has removed the Power of Attorney that I previously had, which is fine. She didn't tell me this herself, it was a legal letter telling me it had been removed.

My children have seen her occasionally, generally at my instigation, e.g. a text from me or sometimes my sister would ask to take them to see her. I always agree when asked, Mum never asks directly and often finds an excuse not to see them anyhow.

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well. I said that she is welcome to come over here, my husband will pick her up and bring her back but she doesn't want that. I've said no, that I don't want to be on my own for Christmas day afternoon (it will take an hour to get there and back). So AIBU?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2017 13:56

Diana,

Stop making your children see your toxic mother; it does them as well as you no favours at all. They should not be subjected either to her manipulations.

Your sister has no right to ask this of you at all and is possibly being used here as your mother's flying monkey (i.e. someone sent in by the toxic relation to do their bidding for them. Such people are also easily manipulated. She is also not acting in your best interests at all, only hers, and thus her opinion should be ignored outright.

Your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your mother is likely driving that ill advised decision as well. She did you a huge favour actually in cutting you off from her life.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2017 13:56

Another resounding NO from me.

I believe in forgiveness and compromise and all that, but that's not what's happening here. Your mother (via your sister in the role of flying monkey) is saying that she doesn't want to see you, just your children (with DH as chauffeur). It doesn't work that way.

You extended an olive branch in the form of an invitation. Did your sister decline it out of hand or did she actually talk to your mother about it? Either way, you've offered, it's been refused. Your 'duty' is done.

As far as your DC seeing their GM, another poster mentioned it but you need to be aware of what is being said. If you can't trust your sister to monitor and relay the truth to you, then she's not an acceptable 'chaperone'.

As far as your mum being alone on Xmas she needs to ponder on this; "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

alreadytaken · 18/12/2017 13:59

perhaps because I'm older I see this differently. You fell out with your mother over something minor. Your sister has suggested your family visit because she knows you let them go but not go yourself because she knows you dont want to. There is nothing here to suggest your mother has said you are not to go, this is your sister's idea. Maybe your mother doesnt want to come over because she is ill.

So your mother raised you for years and you now turn your back on her when she's sick. Ungrateful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2017 13:59

We don't have much family left, so I've wanted my children to have some contact with her

Truly that is no reason, let alone any sort of a good reason, for any of your own family unit to have contact with your mother. She was likely not a good parent to you when growing up so what makes you think she will somehow behave better with them despite your own experiences to the contrary?. Short answer is that she will not; people like your mother more often than not behave the self same as grandparent figures as well.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

DownTheChimney · 18/12/2017 14:00

Oh god - yet another day wasting crying over my parents! Families are not easy.

And there you have it - you should not be crying over this woman. Do yourself a favour - have a lovely Christmas with your DC and DH and stuff the rest of them.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2017 14:00

Oh, missed your last post.

I think you need to consider carefully before having your children call your mother. Can you trust her not to say "Oh Granny will be alone on Xmas. She will miss you. Mummy won't let Daddy bring you to see me"?

shakeyourcaboose · 18/12/2017 14:06

alreadytaken and whoever else said the guff about but 'shes your mother' as if that a free pass to behave atrociously. No giving birth to someone is not indicative of being able to treat them without respect.

alreadytaken · 18/12/2017 14:09

I think you have presented this in a way that will make people agree with you. Everyone is chiming in about "toxic" parents but some parents post about being in an abusive relationship with their children. So just who is the "toxic" relative here?

DownTheChimney · 18/12/2017 14:10

So your mother raised you for years and you now turn your back on her when she's sick. Ungrateful.

Give over. Did you miss the part about OP always feeling an inconvenience to her? Normal Mothers do not make you feel like this.

alreadytaken · 18/12/2017 14:11

and shake yourcaboose your mother does not simply give you birth she raises you for normally 18 years or more.

Original poster

DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 14:12

"If you want to contact your mother again then it needs to be done slowly and on your own terms. Not under duress and not at Christmas."

This is helpful, I think you are right. Christmas puts such a lot of pressure on us all, we want it to be magical for our children and memorable for the adults too. My Mum loves Christmas, she likes getting dressed up, having a big meal and lots of presents, which must be opened and admired in turn. But I like a more relaxed day, not having to worry about what I look like and just letting my children enjoy themselves. So we will have our nice family day and it will be the Christmas that my son got his first computer, rather than the Christmas that I was left at home by myself.

I am grateful for every post, including those who think IABU.

OP posts:

alreadytaken · 18/12/2017 14:13

no I didnt miss the "I felt like an inconvenience" - however it doesnt follow that her mother made her feel like that.

bobthebuddha · 18/12/2017 14:15

Please don't give alreadytaken's unhelpful & frankly unkind take on matters seriously, OP. They seem to have ignored the entire back story you've given. The 'trivial' nature of a falling out is often simply the culmination of much deeper issues. If the relationship is as you describe & your mother treats you as an inconvenience, then you should not feel guilty about not seeing her. As the 'older' folk say she made her bed.

alreadytaken · 18/12/2017 14:16

and, BTW, my father was a dreadful father - and an excellent grand-father. His grandchildren still miss him.

sanasa · 18/12/2017 14:19

No no no and no again.
You, your husband and children are a family unit.
She gets you all or no one at all.
Ultimately Christmas is about the children , what do they want to do? Be at home with their parents I'm sure.

diddl · 18/12/2017 14:20

No, it doesn't follow that Op's mum deliberately made her feel like an inconvenience.

Obviously her mum disagrees with what was said which is why she has taken Op off the POA & not contacted Op since the argument.

Bear that in mind-Ops mum has also been NC & it's her sister trying to force contact for her own peace of mind.

Could be that OP's mum doest want to resume contact even if in the future Op does.

Original poster

DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 14:20

Alreadytaken - I do take my share of responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship with my Mother. I'm not great at relationships but don't think I have been abusive to my Mum.

I don't think she is toxic either though, she just never really liked or bonded with me and saw me as a problem. This affected my relationship with my daughter when she was little, and I have had therapy about this, as I felt like I was my Mum and she was me. I wanted to break that cycle and hope I have.

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 14:20

Does that matter?
A portioning blame either way is a none issue. Neither of them want contact for what ever reason but the sister seems fit to interfere in that and try to guilt the OP.

rookiemere · 18/12/2017 14:21

You've made the right decision. It's hard enough to juggle everything around to keep everyone happy at Christmas when all the parties involved are reasonable and people you genuinely want to spend time with. We'll be doing a 3.5 hr drive on Christmas day so that my DPs can see DS open his presents, but we end the day with SIL and family that DS loves spending time with. Difference is we're happy to do whatever it takes for people who are a pleasure to spend time with and we know love us.

ElsieMc · 18/12/2017 14:22

They are your children op. Why on earth should you be alone and separated from your own children on Christmas Day.

I fell out with my inlaws years ago because they were absolutely horrible to me. On Christmas Day my dh took them to see them in the morning and I was left alone. I had just given birth as well. Lets just say it didn't ever happen again. I let someone else take away my children to hand them to people who treated me appallingly. Whilst yours is not so extreme, I think your sister has an absolute nerve. How would she like it in the same situation?

I don't agree with those who are saying to try to resolve issues with your dm. It seems pretty clear given the passage of time that you have both benefited from low contact.

iboughtsnowboots · 18/12/2017 14:24

No relationship is guaranteed to work and that includes family ones. The relationship with your mother doesn't work for you so as much as possible you have left it. You cannot make your relationship with your mother function by yourself and I am not sure that an emotionally charged day like Xmas day is a good day to start rebuilding a relationship. If you do not want this person in your house the rest of the year why invite her for one day?
I also wouldn't push your DC into a relationship they don't want, consider if you are doing this for them or because it makes you feel less bad about not having contact with your mother?
Choosing not to have a relationship is a valid choice you do not need to justify it other than you don't want to.

bobthebuddha · 18/12/2017 14:25

alreadytaken, my own father was a dreadful father and a decent grandfather loved by his grandchildren. That doesn't have any bearing on the OP's situation though.

CurlyRover · 18/12/2017 14:27

Sod that for a laugh. I would refuse in your situation. And this comes from somebody who has essentially gone NC with my parents this year.

Jux · 18/12/2017 14:28

I think if your sister's worried about your mum being alone then she should deal with it herself. It's unfair to expect you to do something just because she's worried. She needs to do it herself.

littlebird55 · 18/12/2017 14:37

As you have already invited her to your house for christmas lunch and she has said no, I would follow up with a more formal invitation.

Tell your dsis (whom should never have put you in this position in the first place, she should have spoken to you quietly first to see what your thoughts were, and then decided her plans. She has effectively caused this problem) that your mother is invited, whether she plans to come or not is completely her choice but the invite is there and leave it.

My guess is that your sister will realise this plan will not work and take your dm to the in laws.

I would keep the relationship distant as it is now, with very occasional visits from your dc. If your dm wanted more she could easily accept your gracious invite, as she hasn't I am minded to agree with you that she prefers it this way too.

Do NOT feel guilty, do not feel bad.

This is not a healthy relationship and you are looking after yourself but choosing to be happy.

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