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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my Mum on her own at Christmas?

89 replies

DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 12:33

I haven't really spoken to my Mum for a few years. I fell out with her something trivial that turned into an argument about her priorities, I've always felt like an inconvenience to her. She's not contacted me since.

I've seen her a few times at social events and said hello to her but that is it. She has removed the Power of Attorney that I previously had, which is fine. She didn't tell me this herself, it was a legal letter telling me it had been removed.

My children have seen her occasionally, generally at my instigation, e.g. a text from me or sometimes my sister would ask to take them to see her. I always agree when asked, Mum never asks directly and often finds an excuse not to see them anyhow.

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well. I said that she is welcome to come over here, my husband will pick her up and bring her back but she doesn't want that. I've said no, that I don't want to be on my own for Christmas day afternoon (it will take an hour to get there and back). So AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 13:21

To make it clear, it was actually my sister who said no to my suggestion that Mum could come here. She thinks it would be too much after years of no contact, which I agree with but couldn't think of any other solution.

I did suggest that my sister and her husband change their plans rather than mine. She complained that she does everything for Mum usually and doesn't ask me to help so didn't think this was too much to ask. I don't want to lose my sister too but don't want our Christmas to be ruined by this.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 18/12/2017 13:22

Oh my, I've only just twigged that she doesn't want YOU there, just your husband and children!!! So she's determined that this feud is not over: Merry Christmas one and all! I think you should take this as an early Christmas present: don't feel bad, don't feel upset, feel happy and peaceful that having this person out of your life is the best thing for you. And I would stop encouraging the DC to see her: make her make some effort. As others have said - how would your sister feel if her DH was supposed to up and leave her on Christmas Day to visit DM?? If you get more grief that pleasure from seeing a person - no matter who they are - then why put yourself through it? I think this mean spirited personal snub should be the final whistle on your relationship. Excluding you is deliberately nasty. Please make sure your DH and DC don't validate her behaviour by visiting her - they would effectively be saying that they are willing to accept the way she is treating you. If my DM suggested such a thing, my sister would tell her to f* off rather than pander to her.

milliemolliemou · 18/12/2017 13:23

It's a long way to go on Christmas Day esp since it looks as if it's going to be cold and poss icy and dark - and because it leaves you on your own for 3-4 hours all for the sake of a woman who's refused your generous offer of Christmas at yours. So don't agree to DH and kids going, let the kids call her on the day, and offer for them to see her before or after with a present.

Letseatgrandma · 18/12/2017 13:25

Why would you have to be alone though?

Why don’t you, your DH and kids all go and see her?

Letseatgrandma · 18/12/2017 13:26

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day

Omg-I’m do sorry I missed that!

No way!!

Floralnomad · 18/12/2017 13:30

You have done your bit by saying she can come to you if she chooses to stay home alone then that’s her choice to make . Fwiw my MIL has spent every Christmas Day since FIL, died home alone , she gets an invite to BILs and opts not to go and I’m NC with her so she doesn’t see dh until Boxing Day as he spends the day with me , the dc and my family .

Hissy · 18/12/2017 13:33

My sister has asked if my husband and children can go over to see my Mum on Christmas Day, as otherwise she will be alone and she is not well.

You have not spoken to your M in the last couple of years, your H and kids were invited to go over, but not you.

And this is your problem because????....

Let your sister and your M sort themselves out...

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2017 13:33

Your sister is not your boss. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

Don’t do it and don’t feel pressurised.

Have a great Christmas, without the toxic element.

daisychain01 · 18/12/2017 13:34

In thinking of the situation in terms of you leaving your mum on her own at Christmas all it serves to do is make yourself the bad guy and the sole custodian of your mum's happiness.

Your DSis is passing the buck and you're allowing her to.

Situp · 18/12/2017 13:35

No no no! This is wrong on so many levels!

Your sister is not only alleviating her own guilt by sending someone else, she is being hurtful to you by saying you are not welcome, putting it on your husband who is not related to her and taking your children away from their mother on Christmas day!

Whatever you see in the movies, Christmas is a shit time for resolving issues. The combination of all the normal pressures of Christmas makes it an awful time to try and rebuild complex relationships.

Enjoy your Christmas and if you want to get back in touch do it in the New Year, although it doesn't seem like she herself has shown any interest anyway.

Trinity66 · 18/12/2017 13:38

Sounds odd your sister wants all you family to leave you for hours on Christmas Day :/ Very cheeky thing to ask imo. You were very fair by saying she could come over and she would be collected, if she doesn't like that idea then that's her loss

Knittedfairies · 18/12/2017 13:41

What would you do if you took the word 'Christmas' out of your post? I suspect your sister wouldn’t have asked you, or if she had, you would have said that it wasn’t going to happen, without any guilt.

You are not being unreasonable. (If your mother hadn’t specifically excluded you from the family visit it might have been different!)

Inertia · 18/12/2017 13:42

I'd stick to your guns about this- your sister can't order your family around when her own plans change! Extending an invitation to your mother for her to visit you is more than reasonable.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/12/2017 13:43

But I don't want them ending up feeling they have to run around after her, like my sister currently does (well as long as she hasn't got anything else on).

Then make sure they get that message by making it very clear that your mum's needs do not come first in your own nuclear family, and that no, absolutely your DH and DC would not choose to go and visit someone they feel neutral at best about, leaving their own wife/Mum at home on her own!

You made a fair offer. Tell your sister that you're happy with things the way they are and your family will obviously be staying together at Christmas - there's no question of any of you changing your Christmas to suit your mother who is simply not as important to any of you.

diddl · 18/12/2017 13:43

"She complained that she does everything for Mum usually and doesn't ask me to help"

Well if you are NC with your mum then that's how it's going to be, isn't it?

If what she does is too much then perhaps they need to look at getting some paid for help?

Even if you weren't N/LC with your mum, help that you would or wouldn't give is entirely up to you to decide, not for ypur sister to divide out as she sees fit.

christinarossetti · 18/12/2017 13:43

It sounds like your sister is feeling guilty, and the thought that your mother will see her SIL and grandchildren will ease that. This is how she's justifying the frankly ridiculous suggestion that you spend part of Christmas Day without your family, for the sake of someone who you've had pretty much no contact with for years, and who hasn't contacted you herself to discuss things.

My mother is quite a toxic woman, and I see her as little as possible. I do want my children to have some sort of relationship with their grandmother, so when I see her it's because of them.

There's no way I'd let her see them without me (not that she would want that anyway). She's too bitter, spiteful and slyly undermining of everyone around her, that I need to be there to protect them from that.

It's generous of you to offer to collect and return her for a few hours on Christmas day. If she doesn't want to do this, fine, that's her choice.

This is all your sister's stuff. From bitter experience, I suggest calmly batting it back to her, rather than taking it on yourself.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2017 13:44

It's not reasonable to ask that of you.

You don't have a responsibility to provide care for someone who is unpleasant to you.

Your solution of her coming to you is more than generous!

HotelEuphoria · 18/12/2017 13:46

The OP has already held out an olive branch by saying her mother can come to her, only her mother doesn't want that, she wants to take her DD's family away from her on Christmas day for her own benefit.

MadMags · 18/12/2017 13:46

If your sister wants to assuage her guilt about your mother, then that’s on her. She has no right to ask this of you.

Good for your DH for not even considering it. It’s utterly batshit!

diddl · 18/12/2017 13:47

"My mother is quite a toxic woman, and I see her as little as possible. I do want my children to have some sort of relationship with their grandmother, "

I find that really hard to get my head around!

Jenny17 · 18/12/2017 13:52

Re-iterate your mum can come to you. The rest is up to you DM.

Jenny17 · 18/12/2017 13:53

*your mum.

recklessgran · 18/12/2017 13:54

I would ignore your sister's request. Sorry, but if she was that bothered she wouldn't have blocked your suggestion that your mother comes to you.I would tell your sister that the offer's there if your mother wants to take it up. I have similar family issues with a toxic mother and don't see why your Christmas should be compromised - it's your mother's problem that she will be alone not yours. I know this sounds really harsh but speaking from experience I'm afraid.Try not to feel guilty OP which is obviously your sister's aim.

Original poster
DianaDilemma · 18/12/2017 13:55

Thanks everyone for your support. I was expecting more people to think I was being unreasonable. Maybe I've presented it in a way that is bound to make people agree with me, I hope not.

I've spoken to my husband we discussed contacting Mum directly to ask her here for Christmas Day, as my offer was only made (and declined) to my sister on behalf of my Mum. We eventually decided against it, as we would deep down be hoping she said no, and really only offering so we knew we had tried. I do think she would say no, and I would feel rejected all over again.

My Mum really is not a bad person, I realise this when I read stories on here of much more difficult relations. I don't think she would say anything bad about me to my children. I will ask my daughter to ring her in the morning, as I would have done anyhow, and they will see her on Boxing Day (with my sister) as planned.

Oh god - yet another day wasting crying over my parents! Families are not easy.

OP posts:
DownTheChimney · 18/12/2017 13:56

Wait, so your Dsis wants your Dh and Dc to go to your 'D'm so she won't be on her own - thus leaving you on your own Hmm

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