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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to tell a friend something important?

103 replies

Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 11:06

Even as i write this it sounds daft.
No drip feeding so please bear with me.
Acquaintance A (Let's call her AA) has had problems selling her house. I do not really know her other than 2 playdates in 2 years. She has advised me that her neighbours are awful and there have been serious disputes. She then gets a new buyer (3 sales have fallen though in last 2 yrs) and tells me who it is - Friend A (FA) who is purchaser. FA and I go back years and I am close to her.

I felt uncomfortable knowing FA could spend loads of money to get to the stage where questionnaires go out and declarations are made without knowing about dispute. I would not want to buy a house in this situation but many people still do.

I stressed about it loads and sought advise from close friends who all advised they would want to know.

I called FA and explained that there had been disputes - not sure what about - but that just wanted to be open as I was close friends with her and did not want her to go to huge lengths and spend £s if would put her off. FA advised no stress, thanks for letting me know and will not put her off. House sale proceeds, so end of story I think. Good result, AA happy that house is sold and FA happy that I've been open and it did not put her off. I did not tell AA I had spoken with FA as she had been so devestated about prev house sales failing and was in tears and stressed - I sincerely did not want to add to her stress unnecesarily.

Or so i thought..... AA has found out I made the call and is livid with me and said that she would not have done the same even if it had been her best friend.

She is now badmouthing me to my friends. I have explained that my call had no bearing on the outcome but she won't listen. She is focused on what could have happened and now blaming me for her stress and her DC's stress about the house move.

Did I do the wrong thing? AIBU? Would you have let your close friend spend up to £1500 to then discover disputes and then pull out - they were looking at another house so timing was important? Or worse, AA may not have disclosed the disputes and your friend moves in and it all goes to poop!? (If you got this far - thank you!)
I am very upset about this. There was no harm done until someone told her but she is adamant I am in the wrong and should not have mentioned her neighbour disuptes to my close friend. arrggghh!

OP posts:
OldEnglishSheepDog · 18/12/2017 11:09

How did she find out? I'm torn to be honest - if AA was deliberately withholding information then I agree you did the right thing but if this was going to come out during the normal course of the sale then I suppose that you could have caused friction where there was no need for it.

Ultimately though, you didn't say anything that was untrue and thus AA is being unreasonable. Not sure that helps if she is badmouthing you to your mutual aquaintances though, sorry!

BiggapTwins · 18/12/2017 11:12

YANBU. Your loyalty would rightly be with FA and not AA. In the region of WhatIfs, there's a conversation between AA and FA. FA learns from AA that you knew and supported her as a friend during her time of strife with nightmare neighbours, who are even worse withFA than they were with AA. FA hates you and badmouths you now for not being a loyal friend etc etc etc.
You are spot on and personally I would drop AA. Sure she didn't start the grief with the neighbours?

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/12/2017 11:16

Difficult. I think in your situation I'd have engineered a meeting with AA so I could casually mention that the buyer was my friend FA and say, did you ever resolve those major disputes with neighbours? They were bad, weren't they?

That way she'd have known you knew, and that the onus was on her to fess up. Not much you can do now, I'm afraid.

SparklingSnowfall · 18/12/2017 11:16

YANBU, that was really tricky and I think you did the right thing, I would also drop AA as it doesn't sound like she is really a friend anyway.

twiney · 18/12/2017 11:19

I would have done the same.

Your loyalty is to FA

Jaxhog · 18/12/2017 11:25

I would have done the same. Imagine what would have happened if FA didn't know, but found afterwards that you did and din't tell her.

In any case AA should have disclosed any disputes during the sale, and you said nothing that impacted the sale. If I was AA, I'd just be relieved to have sold my house. In blabbing about it now, it just makes her look like a mean idiot.

ittakes2 · 18/12/2017 11:27

It was illegal for her not to tell the buyer about the disputes. She doesn’t sound like someone you would want as a friend. So just go quiet - time will sort things out for you. Worth mentioning, best not to seek advice about sensitive subject from other mums in the same group as you never know where loyalties lie! Next time try mumsnet!

CremeFresh · 18/12/2017 11:29

I can see both sides and would have maybe wanted to warn FA but the disputes may just have been a personality clash and the new buyer may have got on ok with the neighbour, so I would have thought twice. I can see how AA is upset that, in her eyes, you tried to scupper the sale.

Moral of the story - keep out of other people's business Smile

thecatfromjapan · 18/12/2017 11:35

AA needs to chill. Of course you warned you friend.

I think you're finding out that there may have been two sides to the neighbour dispute issue.

Moving forwards, be resolutely indifferent to the actions of AA. The whole incident doesn't have enough momentum to cause any serious damage to your friendships with other people long-term. Continue to be an even-tempered, good friend. Don't engage with any of it. Son't descend into slating her character, just change the subject. Let it run out of steam.

Avoid AA. She's a pain.

Mookatron · 18/12/2017 11:36

I can't see how she would be telling this story without coming across as a complete arsehole. So I wouldn't worry.

I guess the only thing you could have done differently was tell AA that she should tell FA or you would, but really she would still be pissed off.

Anyone who in all conscience can omit this information when selling a house is not going to make a good friend imho.

thecatfromjapan · 18/12/2017 11:36

I read threads like this and wonder whether all other MNers live in tiny towns or villages.

Aki99 · 18/12/2017 11:38

I would have done the same. Distance yourself from AA

PugonToast · 18/12/2017 11:38

I would have told FA too. The fact that she was so angry about it makes me think she may have been hoping to gloss over it.

Your loyalty is with FA. And surely if she was going to drop out when the questionnaire was filled in,it was better for the seller to find out before then so she could re-market it.

Ginkypig · 18/12/2017 11:38

Flip it round if your very good friend told you after you had spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on a house that they knew of issues before you'd bought it would you be happy?

NobodysChild · 18/12/2017 11:45

If the sellers neighbours were nightmare neighbours, deliberately causing distress and anti social behaviour, then yes, I would have forewarned my friend who was looking to purchase. As you didn't know what the previous issues were about, you shouldn't have got involved, and now it's shoot the messenger.
If the seller is bad mouthing you to your friends, saying you've caused her immense stress, why aren't your friends sticking up for you?
Forget this part time friend, she's moving anyway and take it as lesson learned to not get involved in other peoples business without knowing all the facts.
Just enjoy your Christmas and don't stress over playground chit chat.

AReindeerNamedDave · 18/12/2017 11:49

I can understand AA being annoyed, but you did the right thing and should hold your head high. If anyone criticises you, just tell them "it was an awkward situation, but I did what I felt was best, for my friend's sake".
Distance yourself from AA.

choccybiscuit · 18/12/2017 11:52

You did the right thing, no question about it.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 18/12/2017 11:56

Ypu were in a difficult position really so there was very little you could do without opening yourself up to someone being mad at you so its better its AA than FA.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/12/2017 12:01

Meh, think we can see why AA had so many issues with the neighbours that FA hasn't found problematic!

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:04

I'd say nothing. Apparently the woman in my house before me fell out with the neighbours so badly that it ended up in court. I knew none of this and it would have put me off if I'd known. Now I'm here, I think the neighbours are a bit annoying and weird, they open and close the back door a hundred times between 22.30 and 1am to let their dog(s) in and out, but it's the best house I could have got for the money at the time and if I'd missed it I'd have missed out. I certainly don't seem to exasperate the neighbours nor they me like the last combination!

whiskyowl · 18/12/2017 12:06

Since the house sale went through without issue, it seems a bit silly for AA to complain. Non-issue. She needs to get over it.

snackarella · 18/12/2017 12:08

I would've done the same YANBU.

PuppyMonkey · 18/12/2017 12:10

In what way is she badmouthing you to your friends?

Tell your friends the truth about what you did and why.

She's only an acquaintance, ignore her and just tell your mates she's being unreasonable.

Spam88 · 18/12/2017 12:10

I'd have done the same as you.

RatRolyPoly · 18/12/2017 12:10

Well you took a perfectly valid course of action given the position you were in, but you can't expect AA to be happy about it. Sure, she's going to tell anyone who'll listen how you nearly screwed up her house sale - and that isn't untrue - but it is a shame for you given the situation you found yourself in. Any sensible person hearing the tale will see that though.

It's an unreasonable expectation to think you can go through life and never have to make a decision that rubs somebody up the wrong way or results in some sort of negative outcome for you, even in you believe you were doing the right thing.