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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to tell a friend something important?

103 replies

Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 11:06

Even as i write this it sounds daft.
No drip feeding so please bear with me.
Acquaintance A (Let's call her AA) has had problems selling her house. I do not really know her other than 2 playdates in 2 years. She has advised me that her neighbours are awful and there have been serious disputes. She then gets a new buyer (3 sales have fallen though in last 2 yrs) and tells me who it is - Friend A (FA) who is purchaser. FA and I go back years and I am close to her.

I felt uncomfortable knowing FA could spend loads of money to get to the stage where questionnaires go out and declarations are made without knowing about dispute. I would not want to buy a house in this situation but many people still do.

I stressed about it loads and sought advise from close friends who all advised they would want to know.

I called FA and explained that there had been disputes - not sure what about - but that just wanted to be open as I was close friends with her and did not want her to go to huge lengths and spend £s if would put her off. FA advised no stress, thanks for letting me know and will not put her off. House sale proceeds, so end of story I think. Good result, AA happy that house is sold and FA happy that I've been open and it did not put her off. I did not tell AA I had spoken with FA as she had been so devestated about prev house sales failing and was in tears and stressed - I sincerely did not want to add to her stress unnecesarily.

Or so i thought..... AA has found out I made the call and is livid with me and said that she would not have done the same even if it had been her best friend.

She is now badmouthing me to my friends. I have explained that my call had no bearing on the outcome but she won't listen. She is focused on what could have happened and now blaming me for her stress and her DC's stress about the house move.

Did I do the wrong thing? AIBU? Would you have let your close friend spend up to £1500 to then discover disputes and then pull out - they were looking at another house so timing was important? Or worse, AA may not have disclosed the disputes and your friend moves in and it all goes to poop!? (If you got this far - thank you!)
I am very upset about this. There was no harm done until someone told her but she is adamant I am in the wrong and should not have mentioned her neighbour disuptes to my close friend. arrggghh!

OP posts:
Ceto · 18/12/2017 12:11

AA is essentially saying you should have joined her in acting unlawfully and deceiving FA. Hardly the most attractive position for her to take, and I would hope your mutual friends can see that for themselves.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/12/2017 12:11

You did the right thing.

You were only forewarning her of information that AF's solicitor would have discovered, as you say after AF had spent out on searches and solicitors fees would this info become 'public' .

Perhaps AF already knew if was AA who was the problem neighbour.

I'm sure whomever she is badmouthing you to too will get the measure of AA too. She's an idiot.

Allthewaves · 18/12/2017 12:12

Would have done exactly the same. No way would I let my close friend walk into a bad situation BUT I would have told AA friend that I was going to tell best friend and given her chance to come clean

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 12:13

It was illegal for the seller not to declare a neighbour dispute. She is in the wrong here. You were put in a difficult position and I think you did the right thing to warn your friend. The seller is overreacting as anyway it had no bearing on the sale. Sounds like the whole situation has been stressful and she is unfairly taking it all out on you. Ignore and avoid as much as possible. I would want to know how she found out though, if your friend let it slip them that is a slap in the face considering your loyalty in warning her in the first place.

Nikephorus · 18/12/2017 12:13

Well I'd have wanted to know so I think you did the right thing. I can't see why AA has got such a hump (other than a guilty conscience!) - her sale wasn't affected and now it's all above board. FA knows that you're a decent friend and AA wasn't a friend as such anyway. She may be bitching about you but that doesn't mean that everyone she talks to is agreeing with her - inwardly they're probably thinking that they can see why there were disputes and grateful that they don't live next door to her!

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 12:14

*then

OVienna · 18/12/2017 12:15

Not a chance I wouldn't have given FA the head's up.

I would have said AA had mentioned something about difficult neighbours, using the language 'serious dispute', and said that I had no way of knowing if she's a drama queen/exaggerator but to check whether there was any evidence of this with the council/in the sale docs/sources your solicitor could check.

"Serious dispute" means different things to different people, it doesn't necessarily mean a legal dispute. Maybe AA is now feeling stupid she made too much of something and wishes she hadn't said anything on that basis. But if there was a formal complaint lodged somewhere or a legal dispute she was trying to hide from FA - she's got no basis to complain.

streetlife70s · 18/12/2017 12:17

I would have avoided all that by being completely upfront with AA and done the same as Allthewaves ^^
I would have said something along the lines of “look, I’ve been put in a really difficult position. I am really good friends with friend B. I don’t know if you knew that when you told me about disputes but I feel it would damage my friendship with her and I’d be doing the wrong thing if I didn’t tell her. Do you intend to tell her yourself?”

You didn’t do anything wrong as such but the way you went about it was a bit sneaky and underhand. In future stand behind your convictions and be open and honest it will save you a lot of aggro.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 18/12/2017 12:18

She is someone you barely know and have spent two play dates with in two years. Why the hell are you bothered about what she thinks? You did right by your friend in warning her, she made her decision to buy anyway, the other friend still has her sale, just tell the friend who was the vendor to do one.

buckeejit · 18/12/2017 12:21

no. you did the right thing. It would have been much worse to do the alternative and not support your long term friend by not telling her.

Also, there may be a reason why the neighbours were a nightmare and that reason may now have moved on ;)

Iwantamarshmallow · 18/12/2017 12:30

i think you did the right thing

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/12/2017 12:37

Another one saying you did the right thing.

RebeccaBunch · 18/12/2017 12:40

I absolutely would have told a close friend about the dispute - wouldn't even hesitate about it.

Dozer · 18/12/2017 12:44

YWNBU.

AA is BU.

justforthisthread101 · 18/12/2017 12:45

You did the right thing

lottiegarbanzo · 18/12/2017 12:46

Your friends are able to see through this and form their own view, are they not?

How can she have been stressed about it during the sale if she only found out afterwards?

Her statement that she wouldn't have told her own BF is nonsense, she's failing to look at it from any other person's pov. Perhaps she's someone who is not able to imagine herself in others' shoes? She just means that to her, her stress is more important than anything happening to anyone else.

Serious dispute is a very subjective term. It does not mean formal dispute of the sort that has to be declared. Someone prone to stress and drama might use the term more lightly than would others.

I agree with pp though, life is not about steering a course between 'perfectly right decisions that ought to be recognised and validated by all'. It is about making the best decisions you can, based on who you are, what you know and who you know and will inevitably result in your 'best you can do' interacting negatively with other people's, or being perceived to have done so. Probably more often than you realise.

cherrycola2004 · 18/12/2017 12:46

tricky one but i would have done the same as you

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 12:47

People who were saying OP should have been upfront with AA, I do understand your reasoning as it sounds like you are nice people but what you need to bear in mind is that AA does not sound like a nice person. She lied to hide a neighbour dispute and deceive the buyer and is now gossiping about OP for warning the buyer. Judging by her other behaviour, she would not have had a reasonable reaction to being confronted, she would probably have lied and said she was going to come clean then hid her tracks better or started the gossiping campaign against OP earlier to try and damage her credibility. Being upfront only works with upfront people, it just gives liars more information to get their story straight.

IrkThePurist · 18/12/2017 12:49

You did the right thing, and it seems clear how the disputes came about...

squeaver · 18/12/2017 12:50

Is AA moving away out of the neighborhood? You won't have to worry about her in the future if that's the case.

You did the right thing and if anyone brings it up (i.e. mutual acquaintances/friends) you have a simple response, "What would YOU have done?"

xmasgrinch · 18/12/2017 12:55

Al those saying it's illegal not to disclose are utterly wrong. It is in some cases, in others it can be illegal to disclose. We had a situation where the disabled couple next door were cautioned for harassment but when we came to put house up for sale we were told by the Police that ANY disclosure of their behaviour would be considered a hate crime. Things aren't as clear cut as MN wants them to be sometimes.

Hissy · 18/12/2017 12:56

I would not have slept if I knew this and didn't say something to my friend.

You said what you knew, she went into that deal with her eyes open and will full info. It was the right and honorable thing to do.

Perhaps the issues were caused by AA - if she is like this now, it certainly looks like she likes to create a drama where there is none...

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 18/12/2017 12:58

YANBU. I wouldn't worry too much about AA, just tell her your loyalty lies with FA.

Hissy · 18/12/2017 12:59

She is focused on what could have happened and now blaming me for her stress and her DC's stress about the house move

HOLD ON... WTF has this got to do with her DC 'stress'? Why is SHE making HER OWN KIDS stressed????

Tell her to jog on. No wonder she's only an acquaintance!

DiegoMadonna · 18/12/2017 13:05

You did the right thing. FA is your close friend and you were right to tell her. Since AA is now badmouthing you I would just move on from the whole thing and ignore AA in future/try to remove her from your life. Clearly not somebody worth wasting your time on.

As a completely irrelevant aside, I'm trying to figure out why you called them both Friend A, and then qualified them as AA and FA? Why didn't you just called the first one Friend A and the second Friend B? It confused me because the rest of your post seemed well-enough written and I'm curious!