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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to tell a friend something important?

103 replies

Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 11:06

Even as i write this it sounds daft.
No drip feeding so please bear with me.
Acquaintance A (Let's call her AA) has had problems selling her house. I do not really know her other than 2 playdates in 2 years. She has advised me that her neighbours are awful and there have been serious disputes. She then gets a new buyer (3 sales have fallen though in last 2 yrs) and tells me who it is - Friend A (FA) who is purchaser. FA and I go back years and I am close to her.

I felt uncomfortable knowing FA could spend loads of money to get to the stage where questionnaires go out and declarations are made without knowing about dispute. I would not want to buy a house in this situation but many people still do.

I stressed about it loads and sought advise from close friends who all advised they would want to know.

I called FA and explained that there had been disputes - not sure what about - but that just wanted to be open as I was close friends with her and did not want her to go to huge lengths and spend £s if would put her off. FA advised no stress, thanks for letting me know and will not put her off. House sale proceeds, so end of story I think. Good result, AA happy that house is sold and FA happy that I've been open and it did not put her off. I did not tell AA I had spoken with FA as she had been so devestated about prev house sales failing and was in tears and stressed - I sincerely did not want to add to her stress unnecesarily.

Or so i thought..... AA has found out I made the call and is livid with me and said that she would not have done the same even if it had been her best friend.

She is now badmouthing me to my friends. I have explained that my call had no bearing on the outcome but she won't listen. She is focused on what could have happened and now blaming me for her stress and her DC's stress about the house move.

Did I do the wrong thing? AIBU? Would you have let your close friend spend up to £1500 to then discover disputes and then pull out - they were looking at another house so timing was important? Or worse, AA may not have disclosed the disputes and your friend moves in and it all goes to poop!? (If you got this far - thank you!)
I am very upset about this. There was no harm done until someone told her but she is adamant I am in the wrong and should not have mentioned her neighbour disuptes to my close friend. arrggghh!

OP posts:
Ski4130 · 18/12/2017 13:06

I've been in the same situation, ish. My mum was selling her house, and looking to downsize, at the same time as a school mum friend (as in, she's a mum at school, so know her to chat to, children have been on playdates etc) was selling her house. I'd spoken with school mum about why she was moving - piano teacher next door, constant sound of piano practice, busy road, parking awful - so when my mum said she might look round the house, I told her the reasons school mum was selling. I feel absolutely no guilt about it, and I don't think you should either.

wibblywobblywoo · 18/12/2017 13:16

Head high OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong and AA is an entitled cow to be bad mouthing you and blaming you for stuff. Ignore where possible but where appropriate I would reiterate to anyone concerned "I did NOTHING wrong" and believe it yourself too.

fairytaleof2017 · 18/12/2017 13:24

i'm sure it's obvious to most reasonable people that you did the right thing - AA is a massive drama queen, and, imo, quite lucky that the house sale is going through at all given neighbour disputes.

Pumpkinpie657 · 18/12/2017 13:28

You are definitely not BU! You totally did the right thing.

greeeen · 18/12/2017 13:42

I agree you did the right thing. I would be wondering how AA found out if I were you.

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/12/2017 14:05

Well, It now seems clearer why there were neighbour disputes....

I thought you had to disclose if there had been issues with neighbours anyway?

That said, selling your house, especially when it has fallen through a couple of times, is very stressfull.

If I'd been AA and found this out, i wouldn't be going round bad mouthing, I'd just be thinking "well that's her card marked" and go about my business.

AdiosPieceOfToast · 18/12/2017 14:09

How did AA find out?

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/12/2017 14:21

If I were a betting man, I think AA found out through the lawyers as I doubt FA would have told her.

I think FA asked her lawyer to establish if there were ongoing neighbour disputes and they spoke to the laywer for AA and the lawyer for AA asked the question. AA put 2 and 2 together once she found out that OP and FA were friends.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 14:31

Thanks everyone. I do feel much better as most are saying I'm NBU

This has bothered me as AA has engineered some more trouble.

She found out as someone thought they'd be helpful and tell her (no idea who... yet or whether she just fished for info as AA's like that). It is possible that you knew I was friends with FA and as she was asked for more info put 2+2 tog and got 7

AA then suggested go out with my closest friend (DF) and told her that she knew what I'd done and how awful I was. Naturally, my DF told me that she had been put on the spot and felt uncomfortable but had confirmed the call had been made.

Then AA left items in her house (big items) which meant FA had to contact her to arrange to get the items to her. Fast forward to FA dropping items off and being invited in.. AA then saying how difficult the sale had been as a result of me calling her.

FA put her right and I have since found out that my call had no impact on the sale, but... it turns out the disputes were over land which meant more searches/insurances had be sorted. FA has made it clear to AA that my input was minimal and she chose to proceed knowing there were neighbour issues so what's her problem? FA is awesome I must say!

AA tried to clear the air with me. And by this I mean sh*t stir some more. She went to DF house and tried to appeal to her to agree that i should not have called FA.

DF suggested that if it was her friend in same situation she would do same thing. AA advised would not

AA just can't stop talking about me to my friends who are thankfully loyal, but who really do not need to be invlved in playground tosh!

I'm sure they'll be more. AA can't stop herself. I like to make excuses for others so perhaps she is simply venting at me for the 3 years it's taken her to move with so many failed sales.

Thanks again everyone xx

OP posts:
SandyDenny · 18/12/2017 14:31

Am I reading it wrong, AA didn't lie about or omit anything, OP told FA before it got to the stage of disclosure.

If that's the case and AA was going to be truthful she's got nothing to complain about

Bubblebubblepop · 18/12/2017 14:32

From AAs POV she was obviously utterly desperate to sell and had the sale not gone through, could've been stuck there. That's deeply stressful and I imagine her reaction now is as a result of that (what could've happened)
So I don't really blame her for being pissed off. I don't know what I would've done in your situation, it depends on so many factors.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 14:33

WaxOnFeckOff
I actually agree. I think she then used DF to confirm and went on the attack.

Funny thing is I knew nothing of the land dispute so delay was not a result of anything I said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 14:37

SandyDenny correct.

All I did was mention it to FA before she started the ball rolling and spent thousands. It had no impact and she continued with sale without disappointment.

I totally get why AA is stressed - that is why I did not tell her something that did not have an impact. If FA had said it would make a difference then I would have told AA I had mentioned it. AA changed estage agents at most recent sale...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 14:42

DiegoMadonna
No idea, diego, prob losing the plot a bit as this is so tedious and my usual rational thought process has been interrupted by aa being a numpty! :) Thanks for your kind interest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 14:44

thecatfromjapan
thank you for such a lovely response. I do worry but all the kind messages have offered real reassurance.

OP posts:
befbiund · 18/12/2017 14:50

I would have told my friend. 100%. She sounds daft.

squeaver · 18/12/2017 17:14

So it wasn't just a falling-out with the neighbours, it was something which should have/would have been disclosed anyway

What an arse she is.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 18:22

squeaver
Yep.

She now wants a chat to "clear the air"

OP posts:
Jengnr · 18/12/2017 18:33

Tell her to do one.

Put it this way. If her mate let her blindly spend thousands on something, knowing there was a large potential gamechanger on the horizon, how pissed off would she be?

I’d be fucking furious and so would my bezzer if I did that to them.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/12/2017 18:37

I would be loyal to a close friend as well. But surely the fact that AA knows about it means that info must have come from FA either directly or indirectly (i.e. she told someone else who told AA). If the sale still went through and your info didn't influence FA how else would AA know.
So FA has caused you problems after you did her a favour. I wouldn't be impressed with that tbh.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 19:02

CorbynsBumFlannel

I actually think it is FA's secret to tell - after all it is about her and I would not have a problem with that - it did not impact the sale. She knows this and would happily admit if she'd mentioned it. Like me FA assumes it was solicitor who said something after she asked for more info.

It's done.

Now need to work out if I go and clear the air...

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 18/12/2017 19:04

Fair enough but it's impacting on you now. I would have told a close friend but on the basis of 'you didn't hear this from me'.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 19:23

I am resigned to the fact I should have not told anyone else but it was a big decision with a potentially huge impact on FA and I wanted to ensure I was not being misguided. It bit me on the bum and I have learnt that I do make good decisions and I don't need anyone else to validate.

I'm going to see what AA has to say. Still in same village. DF and FA think she may be trying to smooth things as she overreacted due to house sale stress which I would totally understand.

Will update once spoken, thanks

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 18/12/2017 22:55

Now need to work out if I go and clear the air...

I wouldn't waste any more energy on it tbh. You did nothing wrong. Your loyalty is with your friend not the acquaintance.

Reflexella · 18/12/2017 23:01

Your loyalty lies with FA, sack AA off. Other aquaintances won’t give a shit about house drama - don’t engage, don’t apologise about the situation any more

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