Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to tell a friend something important?

103 replies

Tistheseason17 · 18/12/2017 11:06

Even as i write this it sounds daft.
No drip feeding so please bear with me.
Acquaintance A (Let's call her AA) has had problems selling her house. I do not really know her other than 2 playdates in 2 years. She has advised me that her neighbours are awful and there have been serious disputes. She then gets a new buyer (3 sales have fallen though in last 2 yrs) and tells me who it is - Friend A (FA) who is purchaser. FA and I go back years and I am close to her.

I felt uncomfortable knowing FA could spend loads of money to get to the stage where questionnaires go out and declarations are made without knowing about dispute. I would not want to buy a house in this situation but many people still do.

I stressed about it loads and sought advise from close friends who all advised they would want to know.

I called FA and explained that there had been disputes - not sure what about - but that just wanted to be open as I was close friends with her and did not want her to go to huge lengths and spend £s if would put her off. FA advised no stress, thanks for letting me know and will not put her off. House sale proceeds, so end of story I think. Good result, AA happy that house is sold and FA happy that I've been open and it did not put her off. I did not tell AA I had spoken with FA as she had been so devestated about prev house sales failing and was in tears and stressed - I sincerely did not want to add to her stress unnecesarily.

Or so i thought..... AA has found out I made the call and is livid with me and said that she would not have done the same even if it had been her best friend.

She is now badmouthing me to my friends. I have explained that my call had no bearing on the outcome but she won't listen. She is focused on what could have happened and now blaming me for her stress and her DC's stress about the house move.

Did I do the wrong thing? AIBU? Would you have let your close friend spend up to £1500 to then discover disputes and then pull out - they were looking at another house so timing was important? Or worse, AA may not have disclosed the disputes and your friend moves in and it all goes to poop!? (If you got this far - thank you!)
I am very upset about this. There was no harm done until someone told her but she is adamant I am in the wrong and should not have mentioned her neighbour disuptes to my close friend. arrggghh!

OP posts:
GwenStaceyRocks · 18/12/2017 23:06

As a PP said, yy you did the right thing but you can't expect AA to be happy about it. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even though it will upset people. But it's unrealistic to expect AA to be happy that you could have cost her the sale and that you used information she'd given you in confidence.

Noicecupoftea · 18/12/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 18/12/2017 23:56

If she apologises for having a go at and badmouthing you I might put it down to bad house selling stress, but the fact that she’s said clear the air suggests that’s unlikely to happen, and as a PP suggests I’d probably just say I was unimpressed with her actions/words and didn’t want to discuss it further.

BedtimeTea · 19/12/2017 06:01

I would have told my friend in your situation, and hope that if I were to ever be in that position, that somebody would give me a heads up.

LineyRunner · 19/12/2017 06:14

Refuse to discuss it further and tell her to stop badmouthing you.

She's looking for an admission of guilt from you. Don't oblige her. She's not rational.

Actually I'd tell her to stop bothering you and completely ignore her after that.

Don't accede to her nonsense for 'an easy life'. Toughen up a bit. You did nothing wrong, from what you've said.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/12/2017 06:27

You did the right thing...! Any decent friend would act similarly.
If I was about to invest squillions I'd be really upset/annoyed if a good friend knew this sort of info and hadn't made it their business to tell me!! Yes please let me walk into a potentially ridiculously stressful /avoidable situation..

You're loyalty is with good friend.
Playground acquaintance is just showing her colours... Ignore, ignore! (she's either a shit friend and wouldn't tell someone if they were about to walk into a shit situation... Or is completely unable to understand how she would act if shoe was on other foot!)

BouleBaker · 19/12/2017 06:28

In situations like this you need to work out all the possible results of your actions and choose the one that does least harm. That’s dxachly what you did. Hope AA has come to their senses and this all stops being an issue for you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/12/2017 06:32

Or, if these rumours/vicious gossip? are getting out of hand- I think you've got to keep on saying something like...repeat ad nauseum.
Eg 'a good friend was about to buy, I knew something negative about the property which she needed to know. I was doing what any good pal would'

Remember you don't owe randomers ANY explanation.

If it worsens seriously, the police are often helpful in cases of harassment.

Coughingchildren5 · 19/12/2017 06:33

Did FA tell AA you disclosed the neighbour disputes?! How indiscrete.
You need some new friends!
Hiding disputes in a sale to a stranger is considered bad form, doing that to a friend is just deceitful.
You did the right thing in the first place but your friends do not seem to have similar standards of honesty or trust.

SpartonDregs · 19/12/2017 06:38

DF suggested that if it was her friend in same situation she would do same thing. AA advised would not

Be prepared to clear the air by saying 'I would do it again and expect a friend to give me the same consideration. If you wouldn't do it then we can't be friends can we? Good day to you'. Picking up your coat, bag and walking out the door. Pop a hat on it you can, it will make it more dramatic.

NotAgainYoda · 19/12/2017 06:46

Is this true?

How did she find out? Did your friend tell her?

How do you know she's badmouthing you?

NotAgainYoda · 19/12/2017 06:48

... sorry. I missed the relevant page!!!

Another reason living in a village doesn't appeal

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 19/12/2017 06:53

Of course YANBU. The worst case scenario is that FA had a terrible time with the neighbours, found out you knew then blamed you for it.

jarhead123 · 19/12/2017 06:58

I'd have done the same :)

HashiAsLarry · 19/12/2017 07:12

Having been caught in the position where our seller didn't mention their disputes with the NDN, I'd definitely let anyone know if there was a likelihood of this happening. You did the right thing by FA.

Good luck with AA, though I suspect clearing the air probably means screeching at you.

Balaboosteh · 19/12/2017 08:05

FA has dropped you in it, I’m afraid.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 19/12/2017 22:08

Update... sorry it's long
But, you won't actually believe this... FA has been involved since.
When AA moved out she left her TV and hoover. This meant FA contacted her to arranged drop off. AA then invited FA in and lamented about how awful the whole process was and wasn't it awful that I had called FA and caused issues and made process worse.

FA put AA back in her box and confirmed she knew their had been "disputes" but it was the questionnaire that notified her that more investigation was required due to "land" dispute issues and not my call to FA several weeks earlier. FA thanked AA for filling in questionnaire with info that led FA requiring to do more investigations. FA is being discrete but I think AA was not entirely honest on form and this caused the delay.

FA thinks AA wants to make amends, but I'm not so sure. I gave benefit of the doubt and went round - better her house than mine.

I tried to be friendly - as many have said it's really stressful moving and she'd had at least 3 sales fall through. I congratulated on move and how lovely new big kitchen is etc... and then...

Well.. an epic monologue on how stressful everything is, how her DC has had counselling and mentioned that mummy and daddy are so sad about having issues with moving house.. inferred my fault..

Then how hurt she was about what I did and that she's been rung whilst away and it had caused issued with the sale and how could I do this...

At this point I felt highly manipulated and said I was not sure what it is she thinks I've done. I called FA several weeks ago, told her there had been neighbour issues, FA had said no problems happy to proceed so why is this such a big problem. She kept on going on about how hurt she was. So I simply said that if she thought she was going to get an apology out of me she was very wrong and had she considered how upset I had been? FA had told her that I had been torn about making the phone call and that it had no impact, so unsure of issue.

She kept harping on about what could of happened. I explained that if FA had said she would not proceed then I would have told her about my chat. However, as far as I was concerned this was weeks ago and had no impact. I also mentioned that AA had been so stressed, why upset her by telling her something that had no impact. Person with wooden spoon did this, not me.

tbh I was a little peeved about the "victim" act that I was getting from her so I mentioned that I found it hurtful that she was talking to my friends about me. She said, only DF.. I reminded her that she had invited FA into her house and slagged me off and that FA had to put her right.

I said if she wanted to try and resolve things, slagging me off to my friends was not the way to do it.

She admitted she had manipulated DF into confirming what she thought she knew - nice. I tried to be nice and be forgiving that people do talk and it's unfortunate but it happens but then she started almost bragging that someone I knew had told her.

She refused to tell me who, whilst giving clues?? wtf. So I decided it was time to leave and explained she had made the situation far worse.

Whoa... sorry about the length of post, it was just horrendous. I ended up feeling bad and I know I shouldn't

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 19/12/2017 22:12

Ffs don't talk to her again, admit nothing even obliquely. She's after something.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 19/12/2017 22:26

Thanks, Liney. DF has mentioned that AA approached her and tried to get her to say that she would not have done what I did. DF has confirmed she would have done exactly the same. This is after AA said that she had not spoken to DF about the issue for a couple of weeks - it was the same morning!!!

I am putting it all down to post moving stress for AA and I do understand it must be hard with so many failed sales, but this is OTT manipulation so I am ghosting her... even her hubby has also now approached DF who has now refused to discuss. DF is serious PO that AA manipulated her, as I would be, too.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 19/12/2017 22:28

Well either you have someone who's dropped you in it, or she lied but as she's so clever in her head no one could have figured that out so put 2 and 2 together somehow coming up with 4.

GwenStaceyRocks · 19/12/2017 22:29

Honestly stop this. Stop trying to get her to make you feel better. Stop getting into discussions about FA said/AA said.
It's done. She's moved. She's unhappy with you. Chalk it down to experience and move on.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 19/12/2017 22:43

I feel fine Gwen thanks. I have enough people confirming I've NBU and I'm good with that. Her approval is not required.

I just find her behaviour odd and as I mention above I'm ghosting and moving on. She is the one who cannot. All done, now, I hope. But as she lives 200 yards from me now, I'll let you know! 😁

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 19/12/2017 22:46

I have a woman who lives only 30 years from me, and we have happily ignored each other for fifteen years.

It's fine.

Original poster
Tistheseason17 · 19/12/2017 22:47

Inspirational Liney Smile thank you x

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 19/12/2017 22:52

And my street is like Albert Square Grin