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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reporting neighbour to social services

146 replies

Chnagedname · 18/12/2017 03:49

Hi i want to ask if you would as I don't have children but I am concerned however I do not want her children to be taken away so please tell me if they would be if I reported.
However if you believe it's the right thing as mother's yourselves let me know.

My neighbour is a girl in her early 20s. She goes out a lot leaving her kids with baby sitters. She smokes weed in her kitchen but doesn't allow the kids to come in there when she is.
Her house is disgusting, often piles of washing up, food and dirt on the floor, toys everywhere, bin always over flowing and she wonders why she has a rat infestation also ants. The kitchen is the main place which is disgusting I would never eat from there.
She has 3 kids. A 15 month old, a 5 year old and 7 year old.
The 5 and 7 sleep on a bed no headboard no covering just a bed duvet and pillow
Her room the baby sleeps in which is dirty but the cot is okay.
She brings guys over to her house I am not sure if the children are there when this happens.
There is often no food in the house.
I have heard her shout at her 5 and 7 year old but they seem to love her as well as the baby who follows her everywhere

She doesn't seem like a bad mum but she is dirty and the weed bit I don't like.

What would you do? And what will happen if I do report? I will feel terrible if her kids get taken away

OP posts:
Voiceforreason · 18/12/2017 08:55

If the children are well nourished and happy I would not involve ss. The rat infestation can certainly be reported to council. You said she and the children were clean and appropriately dressed and she fed them, going without herself. She uses babysitters therefore I din't think they are neglected or in danger. I understand about loaning her money but how about a few food treats for the children? She sounds a struggling but caring mum and I would not want to bring more trouble to her door.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 08:59

Mummyloves09

The problem with that approach is that, if the issues are severe, then it can mask the extent of the problem. It means that the symptoms are treated, but not the cause. It means that the children/family aren't able to access the professional support that means they are able to become independent.

The problem with this approach is that it's a "give a person a fish and they will eat that day" solution. What happens when that friend gets a job? Becomes ill? Moves away? Loses interest? Gets a new relationship; new priorities?

There are financial supports that people can access - charities that can send in cleaners and provide washing machines, for example. The school can access support services to come into school to work with the children. But if the are not having professional support, then they are not accessing these services because no one is making referrals to them.

Not only that, but there is often an issue of disguised compliance - when people appear to be making efforts and taking responsibility when it is not a genuine change, (you know, perhaps when a parent makes an effort to clean when you help, but is not doing it on their own, for example) and this often occurs where there is substance misuse.

Anyone who thinks they'll send some matronly Kim Woodburn-a-like round with a mop and bucket to teach her basic parenting skills is living in cloud cuckoo land.

No one is suggesting that the LA has a bank of people to do this, but they are able to make referrals to third sector agencies who, depending on the area and what has been set up there, are able to support families independently of LA funding.

The bottom line is, the SWs are experts in this. They have completed undergraduate degress and Masters degrees. They pursue ongoing CPD. They are the experts and know far more about the complex, multilayered social, emotional, mental and economic issues that lead people to live like this than a bunch of people who see them as interferring child snatchers.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 08:59

I'm not a SW btw.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 09:01

She sounds a struggling but caring mum and I would not want to bring more trouble to her door.

How would you feel about bringing support to her door?

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 09:03

If the OP buys things for the kids than surely it gives the mother more spare cash to spend on weed?

goose1964 · 18/12/2017 09:05

If you do involve SS they would offer her support and that would ensure that the house was kept clean, and the children fed, bathed etc.I have experience of SS being involved because of a dirty house and not having food stocks but they would only remove a child if the house doesn't improve. Not me

MrsJayy · 18/12/2017 09:05

Neglected children can appear happy because they know no different doesn't make them any less neglected. Random babysitters Random men drug taking dirty house etc etc this mum may love her kids but this mum isn't putting their needs first

RunningOutOfCharge · 18/12/2017 09:06

She doesn't sound 'caring' at all!!!

PeapodBurgundy · 18/12/2017 09:06

Keep your nose out.

AstridWhite · 18/12/2017 09:06

I'm always really concerned by what motivates people to come onto threads like this and try to minimise or deflect from the issues outlined by the OP and make her feel like some meddlesome curtain twitcher for worrying about the children.

Some of you doth protest too much I think and it makes me wonder what I might find behind closed doors that you'd rather SS and the HV didn't know about.

RunningOutOfCharge · 18/12/2017 09:07

Nopeapod her nose needs to be in

Noicecupoftea · 18/12/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noicecupoftea · 18/12/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jerseysilkvelour · 18/12/2017 09:10

The people I reported (for some similar issues) had had lots of help/ intervention from friends and family and all that happened was they took the piss and things didn't improve for the child involved. No one was looking at the interests of the child everyone was worried about social niceties offending them etc while this poor child was being treated very badly and was very, very unhappy.

Things didn't improve until I rang SS and they visited very quickly. They took no action but their visit was the kick up the backside the parents needed and things have improved for the child since.

The reason you report them is because there are children at risk. Think of the children. 15 month old living with a rat and ant infestation. One Kiev and a few chips is not enough to feed three kids.

Noicecupoftea · 18/12/2017 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 09:14

Some of you doth protest too much I think and it makes me wonder what I might find behind closed doors that you'd rather SS and the HV didn't know about

Yeah I always wonder the same, tbh.

AdalindSchade · 18/12/2017 09:14

Be prepared for nothing to change tho. There just aren't the resources out there to offer real help and support to struggling families

I see a variation of this incredibly unhelpful comment on every thread like this. Firstly, you know nothing of what's really going on. Social services will have access to health and education records which may reveal far more than appears to the eye. Secondly, every department is (sadly) different. A struggling under funded inner city borough run by a Tory council is different to a relatively well resourced, prioritised borough run by a labour council. Services vary wildly as do early help provision so there is no blanket rule about which families will be helped as it really depends where they are living.

converseandjeans · 18/12/2017 09:17

I would report too. As others have said the SW are unlikely to remove the kids but may be able to put some support in place. It might be some free nursery hours/help from Homestart/help with cleaning/food bank.
I don't know why people are being sarcastic about the headboard - sounds like the kids room is just basic bed and duvet with no coverings and no kids stuff in the room for them to play with. Filthy kitchen and hardly any food. Money for dope though! I feel sorry for the Mum and think she needs support.
Every time there is a case of neglect in the press - people ask why none of the neighbours had reported/helped. Now on here you are being criticized for wanting to help. You can't win.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 18/12/2017 09:18

I am a lecturer in a related area and I think the bar has been reached for social service intervention. They will be classed at least as children in need. I would ring straight away and not feel bad about it.

ZigZagandDustin · 18/12/2017 09:20

I think she needs support and SS might be able to give that depending on their resources. So I'd report. It doesn't sound like there's enough to take them into care but she might just get the help she needs.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 09:23

I don't know why people are being sarcastic about the headboard

Well it's because a lack of a headboard on it's own is irrelevant.

But also because they are ignorant of the bigger picture.

Easilyflattered · 18/12/2017 09:23

And the worst cases where children did through neglect or abuse and then everyone says that someone must have realised how bad things were, why did nobody say anything?

Don't be the neighbour that didn't say something.

Easilyflattered · 18/12/2017 09:24

*die

Booboobooboo84 · 18/12/2017 09:24

Your worried and inexperienced so report it and let the professionals look into it. Personally I think the situation they are in sounds horrendous and no way to raise children they deserve way better.

AdalindSchade · 18/12/2017 09:25

I doubt many of you have been in the sort of bedrooms the OP is describing. It's not a matter of poverty it's a matter of not caring. Beds with broken slats, springy mattresses or sometimes just mattresses on the floor, filthy bare duvets and pillows, no sheets, no toys, broken furniture, piles of dirty washing. You can't imagine how sad and depressing some of these kids' environments are. It's not about a headboard. It's about a total lack of care.

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