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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reporting neighbour to social services

146 replies

Chnagedname · 18/12/2017 03:49

Hi i want to ask if you would as I don't have children but I am concerned however I do not want her children to be taken away so please tell me if they would be if I reported.
However if you believe it's the right thing as mother's yourselves let me know.

My neighbour is a girl in her early 20s. She goes out a lot leaving her kids with baby sitters. She smokes weed in her kitchen but doesn't allow the kids to come in there when she is.
Her house is disgusting, often piles of washing up, food and dirt on the floor, toys everywhere, bin always over flowing and she wonders why she has a rat infestation also ants. The kitchen is the main place which is disgusting I would never eat from there.
She has 3 kids. A 15 month old, a 5 year old and 7 year old.
The 5 and 7 sleep on a bed no headboard no covering just a bed duvet and pillow
Her room the baby sleeps in which is dirty but the cot is okay.
She brings guys over to her house I am not sure if the children are there when this happens.
There is often no food in the house.
I have heard her shout at her 5 and 7 year old but they seem to love her as well as the baby who follows her everywhere

She doesn't seem like a bad mum but she is dirty and the weed bit I don't like.

What would you do? And what will happen if I do report? I will feel terrible if her kids get taken away

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 18/12/2017 08:03

I wish posters wouldn’t use the term “reporting”. If you call SS you are just going to have a chat about some concerns you have.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 08:04

If dirt is the only issue talk to her first before reporting

Um, dirt isn't the only issue. The children don't have proper bedding; there is no food; there are rats; mum smokes weed...

Meeep · 18/12/2017 08:06

I would call.

Velvetbee · 18/12/2017 08:06

Do report, SS will pass on to health visitors/HomeStart/Friends of the Family if they feel it's not for them.

confusedhelpme · 18/12/2017 08:07

Hold the front page! There is no headboard!

Pengggwn · 18/12/2017 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 18/12/2017 08:14

Confused, don't be a dick. The manky bed isnt the only issue.

Op, you owe it to those children to make the call. It sounds like a miserable existence and mum may just need some support and guidance.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 08:15

Hold the front page! There is no headboard!

And the rest of it..? Hmm

MadameJosephine · 18/12/2017 08:20

Anyone who is genuinely concerned for the welfare of a child should report to children’s services. It’s not about punishing ‘bad’ parents or removing their children it’s about protecting children and ensuring they are not at risk of neglect or harm by providing a network of support around them and their parents

Madonnasmum · 18/12/2017 08:21

I would call NSPCC, they will inform the appropriate people. Sounds like she needs support by someone and that's a good place to start. If SS do get involved I'm sure they can help. They don't go in to split families up. If she's willing to address the situation I'm sure they'll find a way to improve the living conditions for those kids.

sourpatchkid · 18/12/2017 08:21

Call SS. Ignore the MN cool responses it's not your job to save or help her. This is neglect and SS aren't monsters. I know some wonderful S workers.

Ropsleybunny · 18/12/2017 08:23

There’s some pretty childish posts on here. Ironic really.🤔

Goldmandra · 18/12/2017 08:24

Hold the front page! There is no headboard!

Sarcasm might make you feel superior but it's really unhelpful in this context.

OP, social care need the opportunity to come into this home and assess the situation. They need to spend time with this mother working out the root of the problem and putting in what support they can offer to make positive changes to these children's lives.

They are are risk of significant harm from some of the things you have described and there may be other serious risks you aren't even aware of.

If they try to work with the mother and she won't/can't make improvements, they may decided that a period in foster care is the best way to help the children. They won't do it lightly and the aim will be to make changes that enable the children to return to their family home.

Social care can pay for cleaners and provide bedding.(in extreme circumstances) and family support workers wo can help parent develop routines, source furniture, learn how to play with their children. They can link parents with befrienders and other support and they can arrange for young children to have free childcare where their clothes will be washed and they will receive nutritious food.

Please don't ever leave neglected and abused children without support from Social Care just because they might end up being removed from their parents. Sometimes that is exactly what the children need.

RunningOutOfCharge · 18/12/2017 08:29

Yes I'd report

The home you are describing sounds like that of Baby P. You never know when it could deteriorate to have the same ending

IJustLostTheGame · 18/12/2017 08:32

I would ring social services.
Rats are a massive health hazard.
Living in a house that filthy because the parent is smoking weed and too stoned to clean constitutes neglect.
That mother needs help and support and maybe social services can do something about that.

becotide · 18/12/2017 08:36

Listen, if she loves them the way you say she does, a call from social services might be all she needs to get her act together. It might no, but either way, the kid's living conditions are not bearable.

This time of year, that house is going to be COLD. People who prioritise their own drugs and clubbing over food will also prioritise it over gas and electricity. The situation needs looking at.

The SS aren't child snatchers. They will offer to help her.

Becca83 · 18/12/2017 08:41

I am a sw and I would suggest that you listen to snowglitter, she has offered excellent advice.

Please ignore the people who are minimising your concerns, it's those kind of attitudes that lead to tragic circumstances.

Mummyloves09 · 18/12/2017 08:42

I knew of someone who was in a similar predicament to the person you are describing op. Only difference they didn't smoke weed.
Rather than reporting or giving money, I would go there and help clean and when she saw me doing that (she also tried to clean up) it gave her a helping hand. It did not seem like much and she did not stayed on top of the cleaning. However it cost nothing for me to help out and I didn't mind doing it but it depends on your relationship with this person.

I didn't just do cleaning, I gave her my leftover flooring, and helped her paint her house. Bought duvet set as a present etc. But this was because I cared for my friend dearly.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2017 08:42

If you knew I had a dog and wash't feeding it, would you call RSPCA?

If the answer is yes, call social services.

If the answer is no, why not?

SaucyJack · 18/12/2017 08:43

Report them if you feel it's necessary.

Be prepared for nothing to change tho.

There just aren't the resources out there to offer real help and support to struggling families.

They might come round a few times and tell her off about the mess, but that's it.
Anyone who thinks they'll send some matronly Kim Woodburn-a-like round with a mop and bucket to teach her basic parenting skills is living in cloud cuckoo land.

MrsJayy · 18/12/2017 08:43

This woman is clearly not coping she has turned to you for support and help you can't give her what she needs I think phoning SS is the responsible and sensible thing to do.

Fragglewump · 18/12/2017 08:50

Please report this. Those children need some help.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 08:51

I reported far worse conditions than this, including under fives being left outside wearing only vests in December, constant drunkenness and children being hit in full view of other people.

I was told that I should have more sympathy for the stressful lives that others lead.

OK they have six kids to look after but neither of them work.

So my opinion of SS is that often even if you contact them nothing will be done.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 08:53

I don't understand why some people think that the OP should cook and clean for this woman.

Surely that will make her even more dependent on others?

Braceface · 18/12/2017 08:54

Most children who are neglected love their parents. Most children who are abused love their parents. This is neglect and the impact of that is significant. Please take action. There is a lot of concerning issues not just a lack of a headboard which isn't an issue at all. Strange men in the house, drug taking, filth and lack of food. The kids can't speak up for themselves so you need too.