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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reporting neighbour to social services

146 replies

Chnagedname · 18/12/2017 03:49

Hi i want to ask if you would as I don't have children but I am concerned however I do not want her children to be taken away so please tell me if they would be if I reported.
However if you believe it's the right thing as mother's yourselves let me know.

My neighbour is a girl in her early 20s. She goes out a lot leaving her kids with baby sitters. She smokes weed in her kitchen but doesn't allow the kids to come in there when she is.
Her house is disgusting, often piles of washing up, food and dirt on the floor, toys everywhere, bin always over flowing and she wonders why she has a rat infestation also ants. The kitchen is the main place which is disgusting I would never eat from there.
She has 3 kids. A 15 month old, a 5 year old and 7 year old.
The 5 and 7 sleep on a bed no headboard no covering just a bed duvet and pillow
Her room the baby sleeps in which is dirty but the cot is okay.
She brings guys over to her house I am not sure if the children are there when this happens.
There is often no food in the house.
I have heard her shout at her 5 and 7 year old but they seem to love her as well as the baby who follows her everywhere

She doesn't seem like a bad mum but she is dirty and the weed bit I don't like.

What would you do? And what will happen if I do report? I will feel terrible if her kids get taken away

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 18/12/2017 05:19

Yes you should call them and no they won't take the children away based on what you have told us.

Runningwithscissors12 · 18/12/2017 05:31

Honestly it's not my place to offer to help her I have a lot going on in my own life I cannot deal with someone else's issues

Then think laterally and find ways of getting others to help her without getting SS involved.

Are there other neighbours who could go in and clean up ? Are there people who can cook for her? As someone else has said - the school and HV.

I think you need to do something even if it's just find help for her.

AdalindSchade · 18/12/2017 05:34

What's the issue with getting social services involved? That is literally what they are there for.

doozeldog · 18/12/2017 05:41

I'd report it, little food , no proper bedding And weed! children deserve properly looking after properly, she obviously has problems, going without food but can afford weed! We lived on a very low wage growing up in a very bad area but my bed was always lovely and clean and we always ate.

mathanxiety · 18/12/2017 05:43

I would call.

Bare mattresses, rats, ant infestations, weed, many individuals in and out to babysit, rubbish, very little food - all of this is stuff SS might be able to help with.

SS can provide support and motivation to parents who are overwhelmed or making poor choices but could possibly be nudged in a better direction. They are in a position to monitor and evaluate progress and to observe the children over the course of a period of intervention.

The DCs' school may be very relieved if you call SS, as they may have concerns already and may just be waiting for confirmation from someone who has seen the home.

Don't mention headboards or the mum's sex life (though I agree this could be a dangerous situation for the DCs - SS can figure that out when they evaluate.)

Twoo · 18/12/2017 05:58

From the information you’ve provided I’d say report it as it warrants an initial assessment. Neglect is apparent. Some family support could improve the living environment for those children.

hevonbu · 18/12/2017 06:09

It reminds me of the lecturer Mrs Lisbet Pipping who had a very difficult childhood and now well into adulthood says the mist difficult part for her as a child was that the surrounding adults dared not see that her mom was unfit to be a mother. She says in an interview that she has read notes by the social services saying that the mom loved her children and that they loved her back, and hoped this was enough.She tells a story of not having any bed sheets until she is almost 14, and no toothbrush. Drugs were involved and the dad disappeared when she was 6, and she says she became the mother of her younger sisters at that age, 6 years old. Because her clothes were so dirty she was severely bullied on school. She says she survived because she had some neighbours that saw them, as individuals, and offered food, and a school teacher that help them wash and who reports the family to the social services. Pipping is asked when she understood there was something wrong with her mum, and she says she understood from the age of four years old. She says she didn't ask for help as she didn't know there was any, plus thought that she had caused the situation onto herself by not being a nice enough little child. (Here is the interview but sadly without subtitles, source: )

Pengggwn · 18/12/2017 06:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/12/2017 06:10

It’s so fucking sad

Op you are right to worry as whatever way you slice or dice it - it’s not optimal reallly . But neither is having the children split up and put into foster care .

I used to have a neighbour like this . I was too young to know about SS but I do remember I befriended her and baby sat .

I often think of those
Kids even now and hope they are OK

I hate to say but I don’t have enough knowledge to advice but keep an eye out on them as you are doing

Wishingandwaiting · 18/12/2017 06:15

Love just isn’t enough I’m afraid.

Plus I’m always a little skeptical about how much love there really is when you have such young children’s physical needs being neglected.

OP you need to report.

ohlittlepea · 18/12/2017 06:21

Early help would be more appropriate than full social services, can be accessed through health visiting, they may send in a homestart volunteer to help with household jobs.

Gaudeamus · 18/12/2017 06:25

You could encourage her to contact a befriender. They're volunteers who visit a couple of times a week and who have had special training in the relevant issue (lone parenting, substance misuse, disabilities etc). She might be more open to that than a formal intervention from SS.

Rats are a disease vector and can bite young children so the council need to know about that.

Chaosofcalm · 18/12/2017 06:30

As always with these situations you are not reporting an adult. You are reporting concerns about children. SS are the professionals who are trained to make decisions about the safety and welfare of children and what support the family needs, if any. Ss May also have other information but not all and you final piece of the jigsaw maybe essential to making them help that family.

Therefore you should always report concerns.

Mintylizzy9 · 18/12/2017 06:42

Please do report, what you have described is neglect and if this is the stuff she is fine being public knowledge then who knows what is really going on.

Neglected and abused kids do love their parents, do follow them around, can appear happy as many of them know no better. it doesn't make the neglect or abuse any less. (Not saying these kids are being abused). Please report, she sounds like she needs some support. Her judgement is off at the moment for whatever reason so she may not be making great choices about who she is allowing to be around the kids either.

newdaylight · 18/12/2017 06:47

I'd report OP. Early help would probably be appropriate but you'd still need to report so they can make that decision.

I'd recommend calling up directly rather than going through NSPCC, but it didn't really matter either way.

AstridWhite · 18/12/2017 07:03

Then think laterally and find ways of getting others to help her without getting SS involved.

Are there other neighbours who could go in and clean up ? Are there people who can cook for her?

Yes but there comes a point when why the hell should they? That's HER job. The OP has already lent her money various times and knows her well enough to see the children's bedrooms etc, I am sure she has been as supportive as she can be without basically becoming this woman's free cleaning service.

If other people constantly step in then she is just enabled to continue being neglectful and expecting someone else to sort it out for her.

Triggering HV, NSPCC or SS involvement will hopefully give her the professional support to get her act together if she wants to her children to not end up damaged by her chaotic lifestyle.

IrisAtwood · 18/12/2017 07:18

Triggering HV, NSPCC or SS involvement will hopefully give her the professional support to get her act together if she wants to her children to not end up damaged by her chaotic lifestyle.

This case definitely needs reporting.

RainyDayBear · 18/12/2017 07:33

I would absolutely report under these circumstances. Their home life sounds chaotic and not quite right. SS may be able to help, it might be that there are previous concerns that you’re not aware of and this may help them piece it together.

MiraiDevant · 18/12/2017 07:45

MN minimises when it suits. Certain people want to call you a nosy neighbour and pull you up for saying "girl".

If this was a woman asking if she should stop sending DCs to this house for contact with a father the replies would be to stop contact immediately as it is neglect.

It seems to me that the kids are being neglected.

They are clearly not being fed properly or cared for or supervised. They are being raised in an atmosphere that is harmful, (drugs, casual sex, being left alone, rats).

Contact the HV and maybe the school, (if you know it) and yes SS. Let them decide whether the kids need help.

Ropsleybunny · 18/12/2017 07:50

If anyone has concerns about a child, they should call Social Services. They can do this anonymously. Their call will be logged and records are checked to see if anyone else has called. This allows social workers to see if there is any history.

Depending on what’s spoken about, the SW will speak to other professionals such as school, nursery, GP and the HV. This is to build up a picture of how things are for the child/children.

The next step is to decide whether a visit is necessary. The very last thing that happens is a child being removed. This only happens if a child is deemed to be at serious risk from sexual abuse/physical abuse.

What you describe OP sounds like neglect. In these cases help and support are offered.

You need to make the call OP, child protection is everyone’s responsibility.

Animation86 · 18/12/2017 07:53

Oh yes
I’ve ratted my mother and father out for the same thing, she did it to us and did it to my sister. Enough was enough and SS got involved. They did not take my sister away (and that was not my intention but she did come to me and refuse to go home for months)

They are still around to support.

Jerseysilkvelour · 18/12/2017 07:56

Don't hesitate to report her, and leave it to the appropriate agencies to do what they think is necessary.

Personally I think the rats, food and weed combined is enough reason to report. Also the fact she's been asking for money from you implies she's struggling (and yet can still afford her weed?)

I speak from my own experience here - do not try and get more involved and help her.

Easilyflattered · 18/12/2017 07:56

I can't believe that there are people on here who would pull OP on a choice of words but would not bother reporting a house where children have barely enough food, a filthy infested home, lack basics such as bedding and where mum brings home a series of men.

Yes she might have mental health issues, but that shouldn't mean her children are condemned to a shitty childhood.

blueskyinmarch · 18/12/2017 07:57

I am a SW and I would be concerned from what you have said. Sounds like neglect to me. This would be one of those cases where lots of little thing might add up to quite a lot. However that would be for a local SW to assess.

It is unlikely she would have her DC removed from what you have said. The SW would probably try to get other agencies involved - the HV, Homestart, parenting groups etc in order to support her.

I agree that calling NSPCC could be a way forward. They pass on concerns to the correct people.

gg1234 · 18/12/2017 08:01

If dirt is the only issue talk to her first before reporting