To of send a text to my sisters abusive partner

[Lostmum72]

I’m not really sure if I’ve done the wrong thing! I feel bad but this has been going on for so long and getting worse, she’s scared of him, both our parents are dead I feel I’m the only one she has, but now I’ve betrayed her trust 😞. He calls her names such as twat, cunt, bitch, slapped, ugly trout, made her have sex with him after she had a hysterectomy otherwise he would have an affair. Generally abuses her, makes her repeat that she is a twat! Says unapproapiate things about my niece sexual innuendos, I’ve never said anything to him just listened to her and been there for fear of making things worse! He recently said the only woman he loved was his ex wife, all the others including my sister are bitches and it’s even worse with her cos she has a witch daughter 😡 I finally flipped and sent him a text just saying I was fed up of his abuse to my sister and he needs to calm it down, I was concerned about my sister and niece, and why does he talk to her like he does, she goes to work to keep him cos he can’t work yet he still constantly abuses her! He called me a few names and apparently went into a dark mood, I tried to phone him but he wouldn’t answer, my sister is cross with me and says I’ve caused loads of trouble 😞. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t of but it’s so hard when it’s been going on for years. She lives 2 hours away from me with all his friends and family and no one else. I am so worried about her!

Well we have been texting each other, she knows my heart is in the right place apparently he is just in a dark mood not talking to anyone! But that is a daily occurrence it just makes it worse cos I caused it. Thanks for the support and words of advice, I only hope things change for the better in the new year!

Laudanum, thank you for your link I will give it a read, I’ve just read the first bit and it already strikes a cord. It really is so difficult being involved this way, the thing is yeh of course it’s worse for the victim but it is so hard watching your big sister the one you’ve looked up to for years, disappear into a scared mini mouse, I’ve nearly driven up there so many times, but she begs me not to so I haven’t, I’ve had to see him at various events, people think he’s great and patting him on the back, people tell my sister how great he is and how lucky she is. People tell me how wonderful he is. Yet she’s telling me how horrendous the journey there was with him, she’s holding his hand trying everything to make sure he stays calm everyone thinks they are in love! They leave I’m worried sick and sure enough he’s called her a slapper for daring to speak to another man my dp included. No one cares about her he tells her, everyone thinks she’s a stuck up cow etc etc your a cunt go on repeat it say it, I am a cunt! Your sister doesn’t care about you she’s a bitch and her dp is a wanker!!! And so the abuse continues, he’s tried to slag me off to my dp before, he has put a stop to that, they’ve nearly been in a fight but dp walks away and just says I don’t want to be near him yet still people think he’s great. The things he says to her brings tears to my eyes when she tells me and I’m just helpless, so yeh I finally flipped, not the cleverest thing I’ve done and I feel worse than before but imagine how hard it’s been saying nothing for 10 years and it gradually getting worse!

Omg, I’ve just had a text from my niece , he is being really nice to my sister, she says it’s really nice to see. Would he have listened to me???? Just a little bit, or is he just luring her in again, it’s probably the later isn’t it?

Would he have listened to me????

Do you honestly think an abuser of ten years will change their ways overnight because of a text?! It’s classic abuser behaviour-if they were awful all the time, it’s much easier for people to decide to leave.

No I know he’s not changed, look I’m just trying to find something positive, I’ve been so worried. I know he won’t change or stay like that of course not but for me at this time it’s better to hear he’s being nice to her than he’s got worse because I did the wrong thing and interfered!

Have a look at the duluth wheels cycle of abuse etc.

He is being nice to niece now, but that's most likely so he can get their guard down to start with, see I'm not so bad, things are normal, we just have normal arguments, lost mums an interfering cunt, she doesn't like you, doesn't want you to have anything good, that's why she's trying to get you to leave. She wants you to be alone! Can't you see! Lostmums so jealous. He may even try and say you've flirted with him and you want him for yourself.

Honestly, your text couldn't have done anything positive, he's going to do his best to alienate her from you now. I'd be surprised if she's allowed to talk to you anymore in future.
I'd also not believe that he isn't physically hurting your sister. the very fact he forced her to have sex after a hysterectomy, shows that he's happy to use her body for his pleasure/power, regardless of pain caused to her.

its likely she will never see you as a safe person to confide in again. He already has the basis that you've ruined her trust by confronting him. I don't know the best way to move forward. It's now going to be much harder for her to feel that she's supported.

Maybe keep the lines open with your niece.

You've made the issue worse. He will take it out on your sister and niece. Phone the police, help your sister by referring her to the freedom programme.

The freedom programme is widely publicised. It could be easily found by a one sentence Google search.

If the best we can do for people like the op is to say tell her about the freedom programme then why bother publicising domestic abuse awareness at all.

The message seems to be 'domestic abuse is extremely serious and it ruins lives. If someone you know is being abused then don't just turn a blind eye. Mention the freedom programme to them then do literally nothing else'.

I'm sorry but in the real world, between real people, this seems like a huge cop out. If it was my sister then no, mentioning the freedom programme would not even touch the sides. Tell me what I can actually do, or else yes I will take matters into my own hands.

Many of the people who need to know about it are NOT aware of the Freedom Programme.

People who can be helped out of abuse need first to know that they are actually being abused, and they have to be ready to be helped.

Introducing a sister to the Freedom
Programme and then being ready to be right by her side, provide ongoing moral support, emergency housing if needed, other sources of advice such as WA, Shelter etc can go alongside.

Do you think simply texting the abuser is a useful tactic, MorrisZapp?

Look up the advice that WA publish for friends and family of abused women.

What exactly does "Take matters into my own hands" mean in practice Morris?

Phone the police, help your sister by referring her to the freedom programme
What are the police going to do when she refuses to leave??

No, I don't think texting the abuser is a great tactic. But if it was my sister I couldn't sleep, eat or work until I had done whatever it took to get her out of that situation. Sitting quietly waiting for something truly awful to happen would not be enough.

Having said that, I'm talking about my own sister and my own family. What works for us isn't necessarily applicable to others.

The freedom programme is widely publicised. It could be easily found by a one sentence Google search
Sorry but I had not heard of it before.

Omg, I’ve just had a text from my niece , he is being really nice to my sister, she says it’s really nice to see. Would he have listened to me???? Just a little bit, or is he just luring her in again, it’s probably the later isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it's part of the cycle of abuse - it's sometimes called the honeymoon phase, but this pictographic should show you:

I’ve already referred her to the freedom programme, sent her book about it, found and sent professionals to help her in her area, sent numbers of woman’s aid, Samaritans. Booked her spas to get her out for a day, tell how wonderful she is, tried to get her to come away with me. Encouraged her, listened to her over and over. This is all over the last 5 or 6 years. She’s done nothing to help herself at all. She’s not ready but being her sister can you imagine how frustrating and heart wrenching that can be. I keep saying yes I’ve done the wrong thing but I have also done a lot of good things but it falls on deaf ears! I think the best thing would be for her to talk to professionals not me, maybe she needs me as someone to do nice things with and talk about other things. However I have probably lost my sister now, so there’s no point people telling me how stupid I am. When your in these situations for years doing the right thing at some point your going to cock up, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. She’s alone now dealing with dick head, and I’m alone too. I’ve literally just got to let her get on with it until she’s ready to do something and take charge of her life and hope one day she’ll forgive me. Imagine how hard that is especially this close to Xmas!!

You're not stupid sweetheart. You're just trying to take care of your sister.

AS someone whose been on both sides of this all you can do is tell her you love her and when she’s ready, you’ll be there.
You’ve done all you can, it’s heartbreaking to be the one stood by. It’s emotionally exhausting.

She’s not ready. Your poor poor niece. Could you speak to her school? You sound lovely and not stupid at all

Elf thank you, no there isn’t anything I can do. I’m just going to back off but make sure she knows I’m here if and when she needs me. It is exhausting taking it all on and she takes no advice does nothing about it but that is all I can do. My niece is her 20’s just finished university, so there’s not a lot I can do, tbh she is brainwashed too. I’ve decided to just back off for now, I’m drained of the situation but if she did contact me and wanted something I would anything still, but even I need a break!

Laudanum thanks so much for all your replies 😘

Ah yes school probably won’t be interested then! Just let her know you’ve always got the money for her to get to you if need be. It’s sad she will have grown up thinking this is the sort of shit we should put up with.

When your in it, It’s hard hearing people tell you to go, deep down you know it. But for some reason it’s really hard hearing it. It’s the fucked up way they rewire your brain.

Referring her to the freedom programme isn't the only thing we can do. However, her sister needs to want to leave. Needs to build herself back up enough to realise that she is worthy of much much more. And it's hard when your constantly being put down.