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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of send a text to my sisters abusive partner

122 replies

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 14:09

I’m not really sure if I’ve done the wrong thing! I feel bad but this has been going on for so long and getting worse, she’s scared of him, both our parents are dead I feel I’m the only one she has, but now I’ve betrayed her trust 😞. He calls her names such as twat, cunt, bitch, slapped, ugly trout, made her have sex with him after she had a hysterectomy otherwise he would have an affair. Generally abuses her, makes her repeat that she is a twat! Says unapproapiate things about my niece sexual innuendos, I’ve never said anything to him just listened to her and been there for fear of making things worse! He recently said the only woman he loved was his ex wife, all the others including my sister are bitches and it’s even worse with her cos she has a witch daughter 😡 I finally flipped and sent him a text just saying I was fed up of his abuse to my sister and he needs to calm it down, I was concerned about my sister and niece, and why does he talk to her like he does, she goes to work to keep him cos he can’t work yet he still constantly abuses her! He called me a few names and apparently went into a dark mood, I tried to phone him but he wouldn’t answer, my sister is cross with me and says I’ve caused loads of trouble 😞. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t of but it’s so hard when it’s been going on for years. She lives 2 hours away from me with all his friends and family and no one else. I am so worried about her!

OP posts:

Saladtongs · 17/12/2017 15:38

I'd approach it from a child protection angle and call the social services and police on 101 & say you're concerned about your niece. Mention that the partner is making sexual remarks about your underage niece and your fear he will abuse her. To be honest, he's already thinking about her in a sexual way by making the comments so it won't be long before he acts on his thoughts. Ask them for advice and what the best course of action is. Also, every time he harms your sister she should report it to the police on the none urgent lime so it's on record.

Saladtongs · 17/12/2017 15:40

I've just seen that your niece is older so my advice is redundant. Call women's aid and see what they advise instead.

Original poster

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 15:42

I really wish I knew Persian, she has a very good job, people look up to her, she’s attractive got her own house with no mortgage. I guess when your in a abusive relationship and being controlled it happens gradually and u don’t realise it’s happening until your confidence is so low your too scared to leave or stand up to them. She feels this is her last chance for a relationship she is in her 50’s but she doesn’t look it at all. I can’t understand why she just wouldn’t prefer to be on her own, but I can understand how she’s ended up like that!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 15:47

He sounds totally jealous of her, and probably has low self esteem and confidence being a jobless jerk and all that. She has to be the one to help herself, you can only be there for her.

IrkThePurist · 17/12/2017 15:48

You cant be there for your sister; so be there for your niece. Whatever it takes.

I'm in the same boat. I've lost my best friend to a violent man

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 15:50

It is a shame that he doesn't just go out one day and never come back.

It is so sad that your sister thinks that she is so worthless as a person that she would rather stay with him the be alone.

If is awful, just awful.

Neiflette · 17/12/2017 15:53

What a horrible situation for you to be in.

I struggle to have sympathy for your sister when she's let her daughter live through that though. My mother did the same and I've never forgiven her, even when she finally did walk away - it was too little too late by that point.

Be prepared that even if you get her into a refuge or take her in or whatever, that she may well throw it back in your face and go back to him. That's how it went in my family. My grandmother fought tooth and nail to get her away from him, finding her a new house etc... Then she invited the evil bastard to come and fit her new carpets!

I don't know what to advise because I don't think anything really works. It has to come from them. You just have to be there in the background, waiting. (not envy)

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 17/12/2017 16:07

To have sent a message ffs have the word is have , not of. Why do people speak and write like English is a friggin foreign language.

Lovemusic33 · 17/12/2017 16:07

Lost I can see why you did it, it must be so frustrating, I can beleive anyone would stay with someone who made sexual comments about their daughter , it’s hard for people outside to understand why she stays but until she is brave enough to walk away there isn’t much anyone can say or do that will make a difference. All you can do is be there when she does finally walk away, let’s just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 16:14

Well according to my niece , they are both hurt by my text. Ffs, I give up

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 17/12/2017 16:18

Because they are brainwashed by him , until they can see this you are wasting your breath. I would back right off, in time she will realise that your were right x

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/12/2017 16:18

Pricilla, that's really not helpful, the OP is asking for advice about an awful situation, not grammar lessons

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 16:23

YANBU. You never know, it might make him watch himself a little bit as he knows you know and that she has support. But she has to LTB.

Original poster

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 16:23

Yeh that’s it, I’m backing off, she knows I’m here, she has women’s aid number I’ve apologised, I’ve explained, I’ve had enough myself tbh until she asks for help there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 16:24

@PricillaQueenOfTheDesert
That's what you're going to say on a thread like this.

FYI
Of and The in your username should not have capitals.

I doubt someone else has taken the username and that's the only variation you could come up with.

Also " like" is a preposition, "as if" would have sounded better, as is a conjunction (I'm sure you know the difference)

Many use "like" as a conjunction, it's lazy, but we all understand the gist of your sentence.

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 16:24

So tough for you OP. I hope your sister gets out of there soon and in the meantime realises what an ally she has in you.

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 16:25

Much like we understand the gist of the op

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 17/12/2017 16:34

@ worriedrose

It’s my name, I fucking decide how it’s spelled. I always capitalise each new word in hash tags etc, it makes it easier to read.

AdalindSchade · 17/12/2017 16:36

Also it's Priscilla

AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/12/2017 16:49

LostMum72 are you sure the most recent texts are from your niece? Could it be your sister's partner sending them?

Whinesalot · 17/12/2017 16:50

Are you sure he's not reading her texts?

Original poster

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 16:55

No I’m sure it’s my niece, what she means is my sister is upset cos she thought she could confide in me and he’s upset because my sister has been discussing him with me! So yeh I’m the bad person now but that’s the way it goes with these relationships. I’ve had enough, just have to hope one day she’ll understand why I did it and she’ll do something and help herself

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 17:13

@PricillaQueenOfTheDesert
Really quite pathetic on this thread.
Start your own grammar Nazi thread if you like, but here, it just shows you up as a heartless picky person. I just can't understand why you would do something like this, unless you are deeply troubled, lacking in empathy and unhappy yourself.

OP - you can only be there for your sister.
I hope she finally sees him for who he is.

PieAndPumpkins · 17/12/2017 17:19

It's an impossible situation Lost. Maybe it wasn't the wisest thing to do, but when you are just standing by watching someone you love be hurt and abused over and over and over again, snapping was bound to happen. Your sister is a grown adult, she has capacity, she doesn't want help. As much as that hurts you there's nothing you or anyone else can do beyond what you've already done in ensuring she knows you're there, you'll always be there. If your sister does speak to you, tell her that. Tell her her husband is abusive and it's sad to see. Maybe standing by silently ensured she always confided in you, but I don't think it's wrong to be honest now. Her husband is abusive. She is being abused.

Original poster

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 17:59

Well I always felt I failed her, doing nothing, always felt a failure not been able to persuade her to get help she just wouldn’t listen. I now feel I’ve failed her by betraying her trust I guess it’s loose loose! I just feel I need a break from it myself. I’ve never hated someone so much !

OP posts:

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