To of send a text to my sisters abusive partner

[Lostmum72]

I’m not really sure if I’ve done the wrong thing! I feel bad but this has been going on for so long and getting worse, she’s scared of him, both our parents are dead I feel I’m the only one she has, but now I’ve betrayed her trust 😞. He calls her names such as twat, cunt, bitch, slapped, ugly trout, made her have sex with him after she had a hysterectomy otherwise he would have an affair. Generally abuses her, makes her repeat that she is a twat! Says unapproapiate things about my niece sexual innuendos, I’ve never said anything to him just listened to her and been there for fear of making things worse! He recently said the only woman he loved was his ex wife, all the others including my sister are bitches and it’s even worse with her cos she has a witch daughter 😡 I finally flipped and sent him a text just saying I was fed up of his abuse to my sister and he needs to calm it down, I was concerned about my sister and niece, and why does he talk to her like he does, she goes to work to keep him cos he can’t work yet he still constantly abuses her! He called me a few names and apparently went into a dark mood, I tried to phone him but he wouldn’t answer, my sister is cross with me and says I’ve caused loads of trouble 😞. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t of but it’s so hard when it’s been going on for years. She lives 2 hours away from me with all his friends and family and no one else. I am so worried about her!

OP, I really feel for you.
It's utterly heartbreaking to watch people you love being abused. Your sister knows you are there when she feels strong enough to break away. And, galling as it is, all you can do is continue to wait for her to make a change while continuing to reassure her you are there.

Please make sure you get some support for yourself. Be kind to yourself and know that it's okay to not be 'on call' 24/7 and that you can step away for a few days if you need to.

Perhaps not if it was just two adults but the fact the niece has been dragged into this shit show would make me go nuclear

And then he beats her black and blue, isolates her even more-convincing her that she shouldn’t see you again..etc

Yeah, that kind of intervention really does not help.

You are not terrible! You did what you thought was best. People come on AIBU just to give people a kicking.

I was also in an abusive relationship. From my experience when other people started calling him out on it he became frightened and ashamed because men that do this are cowards. Of course I’m aware every
situation is different and that may not be the case here but you sound like you’re at the end of your tether with little support and your sister is angry at the wrong person.

I know your heart was in the right place, but you may have made it worse for your sister, which means she might not trust you, confide in you, or come to you if she needs somebody.
You need to step back, however hard it is and let her find the strength to leave him.
Please read up on abuse and advice on how to help someone in her situation, before becoming involved again.

Maybe you shouldn't have, though its a natural reaction.

Focus on trying to get them safe and happy and safe

And safe...one more time...

Lostmum I am so sorry you and she are going through this.

I agree with Reflexella focus on getting your sister to leave him. Engage with your niece, does she live with her mum, could she move out if she is 20?

I am sorry for your sister but I also feel angry that she has allowed her daughter to live with this horrible man for a number of years. I totally get she is the victim of this abusive man but she is also complicate in allowing her daughter to have lived with him.

Please don;t engage with him, I don;t think he will change. Focus your energy on your sister. Is she supporting this oaf financially? Imagine how much better off she would be (in every sense* if she cut him loose.

Tell her about Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

"Call us
Contact the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline – run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge.
0808 2000 247
[email protected]*
Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the helpline number."

He has snot been violent yet but he could be in the future.
He is living off your sister, yet she is abused by him.

She must have lost all self respect, remind her she is worth so much more. You don't need to tear her down for any failures on her part, (much as I say I would be angry at her for staying I would not say it, unless I really felt she would leave him).

Has he made sexual innuendo comments about your niece, his step daughter? If so, that is a massive, massive reason to leave!

Tell your sister you are sorry you have made things worse by telling him some home truths, but that you know she is worth so much more than this, and so is your niece.

YANBU for being angry and upset and wanting to help. Focus your energy on getting her away from him. He doesn't need to just tone it down a bit. He nears to clear off altogether, he is toxic, your sister is worth so much more.

Gillybeanz I know, that’s why I’m so upset, I’ve betrayed her trust. I know I have, I really did do it at the end of my tether with him. I guess all I can do is keep in touch and hope it calms down. I hope to god she finds the strength to leave him. I probably have been unreasonable and stupid but it’s so hard being in this situation!

AfunaMbatat "And then he beats her black and blue, isolates her even more-convincing her that she shouldn’t see you again..etc"

That would be my fear too, but to be fair to OP has said he has not been violent yet.

OP I would really focus on the fact that he may turn violent and the only safe place for your sister is away from him not walking on egg shells around him. BUT she really needs to speak to the professionals and get advice on how to leave or possibly how to make him leave it is her house.

That’s true Italiangrey , Or it could be that her sister hasn’t simply not disclosed any violence.
Either way what’s done is done. All you can do is continue to support her, sign post her to services etc.

Do you have any support for yourself op? It can be extremely draining to be in your position, you need to make sur enough look after yourself.

Someone who lets their own dd be abused is someone I struggle to have respect for. I don't blame you at all OP, you sound incredibly caring and the fact you have had to be witness to this for 10 years is something else! My heart goes out to you and to your niece.

It's completely understandable (if somewhat misguided, which you realise yourself). Although I kind of agree that it's possibly good that he knows he's being 'watched'. I definitely echo what others have said above about contacting Womens Aid. They will take this really seriously. He obviously has coercive control over your sister. I grew up with a DF who was violent, abusive and coercice towards my step mum and no one ever did anything. To this day he refuses to acknowledge that he was in the wrong so I really wouldn't expect your BIL to 'come round'. Good luck!

Being angry and aggressive with the OP making her feel even more shit is not helping here.

How old is her daughter? Contact her now and tell her enough is enough, he raped her and he's abusive to her child and she needs to leave now.

I'd seriously be considering contacting social services - Fuck it. If she's not going to protect her daughter then you can and you tell her that. I couldnt just sit there if its as bad as you say. They can get her the help she needs to get away. He may not be physically abusing her child but I hate to think what mind games he's playing and what psychological abuse he's inflicting.

Your sister has a choice and her child doesn't.

When my husband confronted the abusive ex of his sister years ago he actually backed into a corner and snivelled about everyone hating him. My husband was only talking to him but because all these men are cowardly little Fuck wits they can't talk to reasonable men because they know they are in tge wrong and pathetic bullies.

You have to stand up to bullies but not by contacting them - by getting their victims to cut them out.

Totally get why you did this, but yes, you know it's not worked out well.
I'd want to go down and scoop them both up and out right now, no questions asked.

It’s sunday afternoon, can you go visit? Take her out for a late roast? 2 hours drive is worth it in these circumstances

If that was my sister & niece I would already be in prison for maiming the fucking cunt and I don't give a toss what mn think about that either!!

Hopefully you now know it wasn't the right thing to do.

I would be very concerned with apologising to your sister and letting her know she can still confide in you if and when she needs to.

I'd be extremely worried she may feel she can't trust you now and end up isolating her even further.

Can you be sure he has never hit her? He sounds vile and he raped her so that's right up there with her not being safe anyway. After 10 years these things will be normal to her so she may not always mention it, but it doesn't mean they are right.

Please never text him again just concentrate on her.

YOu have been so, so fucking stupid.

Well I’ve text her, I’ve apologised and said I’m sorry I’ve betrayed her trust and I’m still here if she needs to escape, i’ll Absolutely anything and given her women’s aid number again, they helped me when I was in a abusive relationship. I called the police a few times unfortunately some weren’t very helpful but one lady officer helped me in the end. I had no one at the time so I really know how she feels but actually when someone did stick up for me and spoke to him I felt less alone and he didn’t get worse but I know it’s different for everyone. Honestly I couldn’t feel any worse but I Oli’s feel drained with the whole thing myself

You’ve done the right thing now. That’s what matters.

There is not much you can do if she is not accepting help, she has to realise this for herself. I don't blame you for reacting how you did, anyone would, he is pure evil, and nasty.

I would seriously think about contacting social services because of the child OP.

This could go on for another ten years.

Why does your sister stay?

She is working to pay for this man who treats her like this.

If she wants to live like that then it is up to her but I would call SS so they can check on your niece, as she has no choice.

Well my niece is in her 20’s just finished uni, looking for a job etc. I don’t think he’s actually abused her I just know the things he has said about her, so disgusting it’s hard to repeat. She starting seeing his nephew at one point and he was very disrespectful too, my sisters partner would say he’s only after her holes, I know werecto go to get sorted apparently she gives great blow jobs. That sort of thing. I said to my sister if my partner ever said anything like that no matter what age she was he would be out, but it’s just a normal way of living for her now! I’m speaking to my niece they are ok at the moment.

I feel sorry for your niece having to live like this for the past ten years, between ages 10 to 20.

Why does your sister stay?

It is not as if she needs to stay for financial reasons so why doesn'tt she leave?