To of send a text to my sisters abusive partner

[Lostmum72]

I’m not really sure if I’ve done the wrong thing! I feel bad but this has been going on for so long and getting worse, she’s scared of him, both our parents are dead I feel I’m the only one she has, but now I’ve betrayed her trust 😞. He calls her names such as twat, cunt, bitch, slapped, ugly trout, made her have sex with him after she had a hysterectomy otherwise he would have an affair. Generally abuses her, makes her repeat that she is a twat! Says unapproapiate things about my niece sexual innuendos, I’ve never said anything to him just listened to her and been there for fear of making things worse! He recently said the only woman he loved was his ex wife, all the others including my sister are bitches and it’s even worse with her cos she has a witch daughter 😡 I finally flipped and sent him a text just saying I was fed up of his abuse to my sister and he needs to calm it down, I was concerned about my sister and niece, and why does he talk to her like he does, she goes to work to keep him cos he can’t work yet he still constantly abuses her! He called me a few names and apparently went into a dark mood, I tried to phone him but he wouldn’t answer, my sister is cross with me and says I’ve caused loads of trouble 😞. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t of but it’s so hard when it’s been going on for years. She lives 2 hours away from me with all his friends and family and no one else. I am so worried about her!

Seek advice from Women’s Aid about how to support someone in an abusuve relationship.

Actually they have a section on their website.

You were at best misguided, OP.

There are lots of avenues an abused woman can explore: doing The Freedom Programme (there is an online version), talking to WA , etc.

Make sure you do the best for your sister, rather than making you feel you have ‘done something’ or ‘taken a stand ‘.

I understand it is a painful situation for you. Seek your own counselling?

Neiflette, reading your post makes me shudder, I really think my niece thinks it’s normal to live like this too. I know my sister confides in her sometimes, she doesn’t really seem shocked by his behaviour but I’m not exactly sure what she witnesses tbh. I just worry she gets into a relationship and thinks this sort of behaviour is normal 😞

Pricilla. If think grammar is the least of ops worries. FFS pick your battles

Lostmum

It's actually fairly likely from a psychological perspective that your niece may seek a man similar to the one she has seen her mother date. It's a known 'thing'. I'm pretty sure my taste in men (even on the physical appearance side) was strongly influenced by my mother's boyfriend. It's an unconscious thing... If that's the template that you have to model future relationships on then it's not gonna go well. That's the cycle of abuse.

That said, there are plenty of young women who rebel against this and go off in completely the other direction... I really hope your niece is one of these .

I just wish I could give some advice but I honestly don't know what to offer that would help. It sounds lame, I know. My mother came around eventually, but it was a very long and emotionally draining process for everyone. I really hope you get her back one day and that she will appreciate all you have tried to do.

I know that sounded really pessimistic about your niece and her future partners and I didn't mean it that way at all, but if you say she may think her mother's relationship is 'normal' then that's extremely worrying to me.

AfunaMbatata "That’s true Italiangrey , Or it could be that her sister hasn’t simply not disclosed any violence."

Yes, that is also true. We never really know exactly what is going on.

I also think that this man could turn violent at any time, which is why he OP's sister needs an exit plan with help from someone like Women's Aid. Because when men are losing control they can become violent, it seems (not speaking from experience, but I have heard this).

Neiflette My dad is genuinely lovely and I've been out with some real tossers.

Lostmum "I guess when your in a abusive relationship and being controlled it happens gradually and u don’t realise it’s happening until your confidence is so low your too scared to leave or stand up to them." I think this is exactly how it happens, I've heard it described as the frog in hot water, the frog doesn't get out, because when it first gets in the water is warm and as it gets hotter it doesn't realise.

"Well according to my niece , they are both hurt by my text. Ffs, I give up" Who is the both, your sister and the man or your sister and the niece?

Lostmum* "... I’m backing off, she knows I’m here, she has women’s aid number I’ve apologised, I’ve explained, I’ve had enough myself tbh until she asks for help there is nothing I can do." I do think you are right, she sounds very blind, and I feel sorry for her but I also feel she has subjected her dd to that man for years and that is really awful.

Weezol

I'm not saying it's the case for everyone... But modelling future relationships based on those you have seen at home is simply a thing that happens for a lot of people.

he isn’t violent towards her

He forced her to have sex with him, threatening an affair if she refused. That's rape. That's violent.

Thing is OK, is she will probably now be conditioned to see you as "interfering" and "trying to split them up" and "jealous" and you will be completely pushed out of her life. I would be surprised if he allows her any contact with you after this.

I don’t think YABU but then again I’d have taken a bat to the bastard And then you turn HIM into the victim and put an even greater divide between the real victim & her family. Thus creating a environment where his abuse continues to run unchecked and escalates, and because you alienated yourself from the victims, she really has no one now. Well done for adding to her issues.

People are saying op is BU because things like this, no matter who well meaning are used as ammunition towards the victim. It will be used to widen the divide between the op & her sister, and she may lose all contact then. This is all going on when the boyfriend KNOWS that op's sister has support, what they hell will happen when he is aware that her last channel or support is gone?

You cannot intervene like this. You just can't. It puts victims in perilous conditions.

Just as long as she's knows your always there regardless of what's happened But she won't see op as being there for her now. Her bf will get in head and fill it with all kind of shit, and probably threaten all sorts if she contacts her sister again.

Most likely that op has now killed the only lifeline that her sister had.

From my experience when other people started calling him out on it he became frightened and ashamed because men that do this are cowards That's VERY VERY rare. Usually the victim is cut off even more, blamed for the interference, punished for the interference and is often threatened into cutting contact with that person.

your sister is angry at the wrong person. Her sister in angry because she know she will be paying the price for it. Her anger is NOT misguided.

differentnameforthis I disagree, the sister is angry at her sister for speaking out but she should be angry at the git who is abusing her.

Most likely that op has now killed the only lifeline that her sister had. NO, he has killed off relationships for the OP's sister. We do not know the OP's sister is the only lifeline, and we do not know that the husband has killed this off. But if this connection is jeposised then it is the husband who has done this.

The OP has not helped the situation but she has not put her sister in that perilous situation, the OP's sister has allowed herself, and her daughter to stay in that situation. I don't agree with what the OP has done but your post blaming the OP is really unhelpful, I think.

Yes, you are right, differentnameforthis pressurizing her into sex is a form of violence but it is not the same as beating her up. He is a horrible shit but the only person who can bring this car crash of a relationship to a close if the sister. I think the OP has realised that.

This is sadly a really common situation, and it's so bloody hard to not intervene when it's someone you love being hurt. Here's the thing, there's actually nothing RIGHT you can do in that situation because you either say nothing and the abuse goes unanswered, or you do something and upset the victim and the abuser. She might not want to talk to you for a while, and she probably won't tell you anything new that he's doing either, but please try and keep in touch with her, tell her you love her even if she doesn't respond.

I've been in both situations, both worried about someone and also on the receiving end of abuse too. I wrote this last year as a kind of plea because it's hard to watch someone you love being horribly abused. It might be worth a read.

It's so, SO hard to escape these situations, and when you're afraid and worried about how intervention from someone else can affect your safety, it's easier to hit out at the person who intervened than the abuser.

You're a bloody good sister for caring and wanting her to be safe. None of this is your fault, but we also know abusers get away with awful things for so long because of the hold they have over their victims.

Italiangreyhound:

pressurizing her into sex is a form of violence but it is not the same as beating her up.

Good lord. You're seriously going to compare abuse to downplay it? Gooooood going there. 😒

differentnameforthis I disagree, the sister is angry at her sister for speaking out but she should be angry at the git who is abusing her. Of course she should, I am not denying that. But she will be angry at the op because she has interfered and this is now a potentially worrying time for the sister.

I do not disagree with anything you are saying, but the reality is, is that this text will no doubt cause further issues for her sister and will lead to her being further alienated from her sister. Right or wrong, op has caused this.

Forcing her into sex (rape) isn't as bad as beating her up? Are you kidding?

laudanum So glad I am not the only one who had issue with that!

You MUST have known you were only going to make things worse for your sister. As long as it made YOU feel better I guess.
So what does she do now that she has no one to trust?

Folks - this is a sister who loves her sister and wanted to help and yes, and no, it didn't go to plan; making her feel like shit for doing the only thing she thought she could do isn't helping. Back off.

It's fucking horrible to watch someone you love being abused and not try to do something about it. She feels fucking horrible enough without folks here making her feel like shit for trying.

laudanum what are you talking about? I am not downplaying anything. Someone else made a comment about her being beaten black and blue and I said that he hd not as far as her sister knew been violent. Someone else said that he had suggested he would have an affair as a way to pressureize her into sex. You may think a man threatening to have an affair is the same as a man beating someone black and blue. I don't. I am not minimizing anything.

I am saying as far as her sister (the OP) knows she is not at physical risk from being beaten up by her partner. I am not saying any kind of abuse is acceptable.

differentnameforthis Yes, I agree with what you are saying.

But no I do not think putting verbal pressure on someone you are in a relationship with to have sex is as bad as being physically beaten up. And No I would not stay in a relationship with a man who did either thing. They are both wrong. But the reference from the other person was about being beaten black and blue,

You may have an issue wit with what I am saying but please do not take it that I am defending anything this twat of a man is doing. I am not. Do you think I am advocating for men to do this! I was trying to put the situation in the perspective that the sister knows about.

I think I am not going to comment anymore as I a clearly being misunderstood.

OP please keep in contact with her, if she will let you, and all the best for you in your relationship with your niece. i am so sorry this is happening and really hope things will change for the better.

Italiangreyhound:

Your own words say otherwise.

Folks - this is a sister who loves her sister and wanted to help and yes, and no, it didn't go to plan; making her feel like shit for doing the only thing she thought she could do isn't helping. Back off.

I completely agree. A few people have quoted my post and attacked it as ‘bad advice’ when I was very clear I wasn’t offering advice “don’t listen to me OP” but showing an understanding of her motivations and a little empathy for her feelings.

Something many posters seem to be lacking.

italiangreyhound you do realise you are down playing rape, right?

I honestly don’t think Italiangrey was meaning to downplay rape, words on a screen can come across the wrong way .