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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick and tired of parental pressures

29 replies

StrugglingAlbion · 17/12/2017 00:33

My parents and in-laws. Just as bad as each other.

Competitive grandparenting. Pressure to go on holiday with them every bloody year when we just want to go by ourselves (we have the only grandchildren on each side of the family you see). My dad being all hurt that we live a couple of hours away and haven't been to visit as often as usual me because it's too hard with a toddler and new baby in spite of the fact he has a car and is perfectly fit and able to drive.

Travelling across the damn country on Christmas Day and then back again on Boxing Day. Pressure over new year.

They are kind and generous people who dote on the grandkids and we don't want to hurt anyone but sometimes I just want to tell them all to give us peace!

/rant

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 17/12/2017 00:48

So tell them then. Put your foot down now or they will expect the same every time.

Bollocks to the holidays. Why can't they visit you for xmas?

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 17/12/2017 00:51

They could. But they won't.

OP posts:
ifcatscouldtalk · 17/12/2017 00:52

As harsh as it may sound sometimes you have to put your foot down over things that really are inconvenient/ difficult for you and your immediate family. You may be unpopular in the short term, they may sulk at first, but it's worth it.
It's not about saying no to every invite and not seeing them, but about being assertive, yet polite, so you aren't on a constant guilt trip and feeling under pressure to please everyone all of the time.

Welshmaenad · 17/12/2017 00:54

New baby?

Fuck that noise.

Stay home. In your pyjamas. All holiday.

Bambamber · 17/12/2017 00:54

They won't, because if they don't, they know you'll go to them. If they really dote on their grandkids they would make the effort to come to you

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 17/12/2017 00:55

Well she's not that new. She's five months. But the amount of stuff we have to cram into our tiny car is scary. Then the toddler sleeps all the way down and as a result doesn't go down until fucking 11pm. Which the grandparents love but it's not them dealing with it.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 17/12/2017 00:56

What she said ^^

Tinselistacky · 17/12/2017 00:57

Maybe a touch of car trouble this year, see how devoted they really are.
Bloody hate fair weather gps, ones who want the dgc hand delivered to order.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 17/12/2017 00:58

They never visit. It's hurtful.

OP posts:
ProseccoMamam · 17/12/2017 00:59

When you have your own family you're allowed to be selfish. Fuck pandering to everyone else's needs so they can feel like they've got an extra house point.

When DS1 was born we sat and talked through what would and wouldn't happen, and stuck to it. This included the birth/childcare/holidays/birthdays/Christmas the lot. All of which were on our terms, A LOT of family members weren't happy. So what, we were. Much less pressure and anxiety on days that are supposed to be happy, and I'm glad we did it this way as we can actually have the chance to enjoy our kids growing up instead of battling to make sure everyone else is happy

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 17/12/2017 01:01

That's exactly it isn't it. Keeping everyone else happy. I don't want to hurt anyone. Particularly my mum, who goes to massive effort on Christmas Day to make sure everyone has a good time. But omg I'd kill for a day in the house.

I get that they work full time and they are busy too and their weekends are precious but mine are too.

OP posts:
ProseccoMamam · 17/12/2017 01:12

OP stop moddy coddling them. Send a text saying what you're doing on Christmas /birthday ect and they're welcome to come.

Tell them you're free most Saturdays and they're welcome to come

Tell them you have some time off and are going to do something with your LO, and they're welcome to come

But don't fucking jump to them each time they ask because if they can't be arsed driving to see their oh so precious grandchildren then I honestly believe they're doing it for the grandparent points rather than bonding time with their GK's. If they wanted to be in your child's life they would, it's not your responsibility to ensure your children have a good relationship with their family members. And you are allowed to say no, no to events, no to days out, no to holidays. You are allowed to enjoy things at home with your family by yourself. Don't feel bad for making memories.

willsa · 17/12/2017 01:12

How close are you emotionally to your parents ( same question to your husband )? Have you tried telling them that it is a bit difficult and tiresome? What might be their reaction?
If it's regarding my child, I tell my mum the way it is/will be, we might argue ( which I think is ridiculous and unnecessary )but in the end she just accepts things and we move on as if nothing has happened. Works for us, though I wish she wouldn't be so opinionated and stubborn when it comes to the way I raise my child ( baby and me not co-sleeping was akin to child abuse-abandonment, the birthday parties are not big enough, the soup should be home made not shop bought, etc ).

StripeyDeckchair · 17/12/2017 01:12

When you have children it's time to set your own Christmas traditions. Travelling with small children over Christmas is hell. For the twins first three years we went to my parents then I finished the building work on my house and they came here.
Small children tend to have large presents, they want to play with them there and then, they're hyper excited and run around like mad. All of these things make travelling hell.

Invite people to you for Christmas if you want to, if they choose not to come wish them well and do your own thing.

Christmas is for children so make sure they have a good time - hours in a car and leaving all their new toys behind is not a good time from their POV.

Qs333 · 17/12/2017 01:13

This seems to be a common problem that parents of adult children struggle to deal with it when their children have their own families and they arent in control of how things are done anymore.

Koala2018 · 17/12/2017 01:16

I wish I had grandparents or in-laws like that!

RubyFlint · 17/12/2017 01:32

As your child gets older you won't want to drag her around (plus her toys) on Christmas Day so it would be better to get it straight now if you can. And weekends become even more precious when they're at school. Good luck, it's not easy keeping everyone happy..

abitoflight · 17/12/2017 01:35

Same as koala here
My parents both had dementia by the time my DC were sentient
In laws v odd and not interested - mil used to come and do voluntary stuff with a big organisation in our city - 250 miles from where they lived - an not tell us or visit Confused
I would have loathed being expected to drive miles with littlest tho

Mildred007 · 17/12/2017 01:53

We agreed when we had children that we would spend our Christmases at home and if anyone wanted to see us they would need to come to us. 4 sets of parents between my dp & I and everyone takes in turns to have Christmas dinner with us and some pop in to see us during the day. Just tell them what your plans are. If they really want to see your dc and you they will come. If they don't then it's not really your problem.

With regards to the holiday - just tell them you want a family holiday just you, your dh & dc. You don't have to do everything as a big family plus then no set of gps will be put out if none of them are holidaying with you at all. You have your own little family - think of what works for you.

RemainOptimistic · 17/12/2017 02:41

How is the resentment going to help your relationship with your parents in the long run OP? It's not is it. Just don't go. Yeah your mum wants to make it special blah blah. So do you and guess what, you're the mum now so you get to decide what's going to be best for your DC.

Just Skype or something. Enjoy being at home with your own family if that's what you want!

perchi · 17/12/2017 04:46

I'm not seeing eithef of my grown up children over xmas. DD is travelling abroad with friends, DS (autistic and in a supported living flat) doesn't see the point of xmas!! Although he will deign to come out with us all after New Year when DD comes back because we're eating at his favourite-NandosGrin. I'm torn between feeling proud that DD is doing her own thing abroad but sad she's not coming for xmas (sob) and proud of DS for not conforming when everyone thinks he should. (But again sob) OP, your DP's need to let go a bit but there again they have grandchildren whereas I don't. Even so, you need your own time with your own family and maybe should just say no and offer them to come to yours the following weekend (it's still within xmas week) If they don't want to travel then that's their choice, not your problem. Sounds harsh but you must have your own life, it's important and mentally healthy. Good luck.

justtowarm · 17/12/2017 05:01

Our families are like this. At Christmas we would always offend someone because both sides wanted us with them for The day. Since having children we made a rule that we have Christmas at home as a family tradition for the children.... it has made life so much easier 😉

Cavender · 17/12/2017 05:10

If it’s organised for this year and you feel you can’t back out fair enough.

Start planning early for changes for next year though. Let everyone know by September that you’ll be staying home and stick to it.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 17/12/2017 05:16

It's hard trying to keep everyone else happy but what about you and your family.
My DH pointed out to me a few years ago after a particularly crazy time of trying to juggle my parents that actually the people I needed to prioritise were myself and my family. He wasn't doing it for himself Smile but he saw how miserable and stressed I was. The more you give the more it's expected.
Take a step back and assert yourself. You are still their child but no longer a child. Would you let anyone else behave in such a way towards you? Do you think that they feel guilt over not visiting you?
Do what suits you and your family.

KatyN · 17/12/2017 07:07

My children are 6 and 2. We had 1 Christmas visiting everyone (2 hours away from us but in different directions so we spent 4 hours travelling between them on Boxing Day). Then early in the year we said we’d be spending Christmas at home and everyone was welcome to come to us. (We did agree in the very distant future we might still visit other family houses for Christmas, but i’m Not sure when!!). My family have always come. My mil couldn’t because of other family. This is the first year she’ll spend with her grandchildren.

We visit my parents once or twice a year and my sister once a year. They come to us every month or so. It’s just such a massive hassle to move everything.

Grandparents love having their Gc to stay and it’s a massive deal when we do... we just discussed early how hard it was for us.

K

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