AIBU to refuse to 'fit in' with DF over Xmas

[xmasgrinch]

NC as Xmas bollocks. Please help. My parents are divorced, DM lives abroad, has done for years. I have a lot of siblings and this year she has arranged for the majority to visit her at xmas. This has left me with very few plans.

'D'F is insisting I drive 4 hours to his house to attend his Xmas eve party. I am working Xmas eve and don't want to do a 3 hour drive there and back after work so I politely declined. He's now refusing to speak to me and wont make another arrangement. He wont give my DC an xmas present unless he sees them in person between 24/12 and 31/1 (personal rule of his). 'D'F is not and has never been a positive person in my life but he is very rich.

AIBU to deny my DC an xmas gift from their granddad (in practical terms it will be the biggest gift they get - we are not rich) because I do not want to drive for 8 hours on xmas eve. Please be kind, I've had a really shitty week.

You need to start being a parent and stop trying to appease you DC. I totally get that you've had a hard week but life is full of let downs. Don't be scared that your child will be angry. Don't expect them to hold a drudge. Just get on with enjoying Christmas!

Is this him:
m.youtube.com/watch?params=EAEYAdoBAggB&v=UrgpZ0fUixs&mode=NORMAL

I am just pathetic and always think he'll have a sudden realisation
You're not pathetic (you have been treated very badly) you are just trying to make a level playing field where one does not exist. He wont have a sudden realisation sadly; you know this.
Depending on how old your DCs are I would find a way of telling them upfront but in played down tones that their GF is not a nice man and that the conditions placed on their xmas gift is not acheivable. Life isnt fair. But....they will understand (even if they kick off a bit initially). State it in a "thats just the way it is" kind of fashion and they will accept it. Dont apologise and dont get into lengthy discussions about it. Let them deal with it - they will be fine. You will have a lovely Xmas and your F can go fuck himself. Dont let this carry on, it is destroying you. Dont allow it.

I don’t want to make this all about me, but things you have said resonate with me. My father isn’t rich, but he has no real time for me unless it suits him. He was cold and distant growing up and I don’t hear from him for months and then he will pop up and ask if we want his old car or some other grand gesture that is supposed to make up for his lack of effort the rest of the time. Sound familiar?

I wanted a Dad so badly. I get so sad when I see people having these lovely family moments and I still hope that he will have a realisation one day and be the father I wanted. But I have been waiting 36 years now and it is not going to happen. The same as with other issues, you didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. However much of a perfect child you are, there is something wrong with him.

Protect your children but also protect yourself or that 100-200 gift might be needed to pay for therapy, like I had. The hot and cold is damaging emotionally and just keeps making you feel not good enough.

Break the cycle and stop giving him power. What would you lose from your life if he was not in it? A bit of extra money perhaps and the hope that he might get a clue. It is that hope which is tearing you apart.

My MIL behaves in this manner. She plays grandchildren off against each other and I stopped seeing her many years ago. She is cold and distant and never sends my girls birthday cards. She posts pics of expensive gifts she gives my sils kids.

My youngest dd told me recently that she saw her not so long ago and she didn't know her name. Or pretended not to. She certainly does not have dementia.

Like me, my own girls have now decided not to see her. Of her three grandsons, only one sees her very occasionally. When I asked why, they said because there is always a "funny" atmosphere in the house.

Children are greedy, but presents don't form their memories for the future. Happy times do op. Let this go and put it from your mind. Concentrate on your lovely family. Imagine the reception you would get if you travelled now. Let him stew, alone.

Thanks everyone. I've had a lovely breakfast and chatted to the kids and explained very simply, the situation and they are disappointed but fine with my decision.

Thanks everyone, it is good to know its not just me and that other people have to deal with awkward fuckers like this.

I forget what an arse he is and then he pops up again! A while ago I was commenting (using an online name) on a feminist site and there was a very close to the bone and weird reply, then it happened again and then again - always the same user - and I realised it was him! He'd stalked me on facebook and followed a like to another site. All that wasted time and unkindness when he could just be pleasant and have a good relationship with his grandkids. Sad old man :(

Thanks for all the support.

He sounds awful. Give yourself a treat this Christmas and stay home on Christmas Eve, have something nice to eat and drink, put your feet up.

As for the blank card? Despicable.

Merry Christmas 🎅

Good for you!! He sounds deranged. Have fun with your family and let this old bully fester on his own.

Well done OP, I think you've handled it beautifully. You're teaching your children that some things are more important than money and that you don't have to be manipulated by it.
My F sounds very similar. He made me miserable my whole life and was very controlling and manipulative. I think I wanted to please him to prove my own self worth, but it was never going to happen and I had to find that elsewhere. Funnily enough I am so much stronger without him! I have ripped up a couple of cheques he's sent to try to buy me back, he tried to send money for kids birthday and then said he forgot to put a stamp on it. Wanting me to jump through hoops. I do not engage. At all. My kids don't know him and know this is because he is mean to mummy and makes her sad, and that mummy doesn't want to live her life like that. They understand although it took them a while. Life would be easier with his money but he drove me to the point of wishing I was dead, and that's no life.
I hope you find the strength to do what you feel in your heart is right going forwards, and please do not base any of your esteem on anything to do with that man. You are stronger than you realise, you are worthy, you are loved.

I thought the blank card bad enough but the stalking!

The stalking is insane.

Also odd, it implies he spends a huge amount of time thinking about you.

OP - I have manipulative people in my family who do this kind of thing. My rule is I never play games with people, I am straight forward and do my best to be kind to those I love, I will not engage with people who manipulate and use emotional blackmail. And it's always around Christmas, birthdays etc. Ignore ignnore ignore.

Look at what you have - a lovely family who you love - do you need tp pay your children and your DH to spend Christmas with you - no of course you don;t because yoou have built loveling relationships with them. Your dad is the loser here, no you, not your children.

On a flippant note, send him a blank Christmas card and make sure your children fill it with as much glitter as they can lay thier hands on

What an asshat.

Your dc have learnt more from you standing up to him than they would ever gain from a few measly quid from a complete asshat.

My gran was one of them. I decided as soon as I was old enough that I did not want to be pay per view! I am sure your kids would too.