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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to 'fit in' with DF over Xmas

114 replies

xmasgrinch · 16/12/2017 20:11

NC as Xmas bollocks. Please help. My parents are divorced, DM lives abroad, has done for years. I have a lot of siblings and this year she has arranged for the majority to visit her at xmas. This has left me with very few plans.

'D'F is insisting I drive 4 hours to his house to attend his Xmas eve party. I am working Xmas eve and don't want to do a 3 hour drive there and back after work so I politely declined. He's now refusing to speak to me and wont make another arrangement. He wont give my DC an xmas present unless he sees them in person between 24/12 and 31/1 (personal rule of his). 'D'F is not and has never been a positive person in my life but he is very rich.

AIBU to deny my DC an xmas gift from their granddad (in practical terms it will be the biggest gift they get - we are not rich) because I do not want to drive for 8 hours on xmas eve. Please be kind, I've had a really shitty week.

OP posts:
Tatiannatomasina · 16/12/2017 21:45

Depending on the ages of your DC be upfront and honest. Tell them you are not risking life and limb to visit so they can cash in.

JasmineB89 · 16/12/2017 21:51

I am glad my excuses for parents died. I hope they are rotting in pain in eternity forever.
Sometimes I feel like I miss my large family, but I am so glad I cut mine off a few years ago and parents died.
Give me my dogs and cats everytime over human family.

LoveInTokyo · 16/12/2017 21:56

Here's my 2p's worth.

Your dad is a lonely old man, who probably deserves to be lonely because he's an arsehole. He probably knows he hasn't been a good father or a good grandfather, and now you're all grown up and you live far away and have your own life and your own family, the only thing he has over you is his money.

My heart aches for you and your children because you can't really replace a father or a grandfather. But not everyone is lucky enough to have a wonderful family. Sometimes our mothers and fathers and grandparents are beautiful people who love unreservedly and unconditionally, and sometimes they are selfish, manipulative or abusive.

You can't change who they are.

Be firm with your dad and tell him that you cannot see him on Christmas Eve because you are working. You would like your children to have a nice relationship with their grandfather, but you can't and won't just dance to his tune like that. If he is going to attach such harsh conditions to seeing his grandchildren and giving them Christmas presents, then he doesn't really love them or want to see them and this is just about control.

You will be doing your children a massive favour by teaching them that not everybody is a nice person, even if they happen to be in your family, and that although you can't choose your family, you can choose not to let people treat you like shit. Set an example to your children by teaching them to avoid toxic people and seek out healthy relationships with people who truly care about their wellbeing.

You don't have to spell it out to them. They will figure it out for themselves over time.

Greensleeves · 16/12/2017 21:59

How old are your dc? Are they old enough to understand that Granddad is an emotionally stunted asshat?

itshappening · 16/12/2017 22:13

He clearly does not care about your dc having a gift, he isn't giving them the money because he wants them to enjoy or benefit from it. If that were the motive, he would send it by post whether he saw them or not. Maybe it will help you not to blame yourself for his attitude to you if you realise that in some ways he treats your DC the same, and I am sure you know they have done nothing to deserve it. It's not you, it's him, and I am really sorry you've had to suffer at his hands.

LannieDuck · 16/12/2017 22:18

Could you visit him inbetween Xmas and New year, at a time that's more convenient for you? (If you're well enough to drive that far, and if you want to.)

OlennasWimple · 16/12/2017 22:20

I know it's not funny - but the blank Xmas card has tickled me. It's so English! So passive aggressive!

Is it really petty to send him a blank one back? Or perhaps one that a DC has made at school but with the artwork covered over so he can't see it?

SeaToSki · 16/12/2017 22:21

Yes to Tokyo’s post

Also, you grew up with him ’controlling’ you OP and how did that turn out for you in terms of your MH? Would you like to protect your DC from feeling that way? So protect them from your father’s manipulations and talk to them about it. Explain how it has made you feel and what healthy boundaries are. Your children will end up stronger and happier in the end for having a mother who didnt just talk the talk but walked the walk right in front of them and for them.

ItsNachoCheese · 16/12/2017 22:23

Do not go and spend xmas being with your family who love you and not this tosspot who is supposed to be your dad

Original poster
xmasgrinch · 16/12/2017 22:32

Thanks everyone. I'm reading replies and thinking about them. I really appreciate it. I feel so exhausted!

OP posts:
Maya12 · 16/12/2017 22:50

As a kid I was unimpressed that other grandchildren were always the favourites and thought my dad could try harder so that I could get fab presents too. It probably did hurt him badly, I don't think I was very subtle about it either. Now, as an adult, I respect his integrity, and I like to think I've gained a lot of insight for my own moral compass from such difficult situations.

Withhindsight · 16/12/2017 22:56

OP- couple of points- grab a glass of fizz, look in the mirror and congratulate yourself for "denying" (as you put it) your DCs the ordeal of their strings attached GF
And if you really want to P him off, send and empty envelope addressed to him, but don't put a stamp on it, so he'll get an item to collect at the post office card. After he's queued for ages with all the Xmas parcel collecting public, he'll find out he has to pay the unpaid postage plus £1 fine and the envelope will be empty! You could draw a smiley face inside if you really want to annoy him
You are protecting your kids, you are the best mum

MsHarry · 16/12/2017 22:59

LoveinTokyo brilliant post.

MsHarry · 16/12/2017 23:03

I have a situation in that a partner of a close relative is an arsehole who regularly drinks to a point where he becomes aggressive and is nasty to everyone, spoiling the atmosphere for all. Lat year was the last straw(made my DD cry) so this year I have said i am not happy to host him on Christmas Day. I feel liberated even though it has caused problems for my relationship with said close relative. My DC come first and so do yours op.

MilesHuntsWig · 16/12/2017 23:30

Your children will realise in the end. You sound lovely and hopefully they’ll grow up to trust your judgement. How old are your kids? Could you just explain the situation to them in an age appropriate way?

user1497997754 · 16/12/2017 23:43

Why is it that the older generation expect to be pandered to...I don't get to see my grandchildren over Xmas because my daughter has so much going on but I wouldn't even dream of saying my grand children don't get their presents unless you bring them to me....I just put them in the post and telephone them Christmas Day

kaitlinktm · 17/12/2017 00:00

Why is it that the older generation expect to be pandered to

But they don't - you say so yourself that you don't expect to see your gc on Christmas Day because you understand that your DD has so much on. I certainly don't (well I wouldn't if I had grandchildren) and I am 62. This man expects to be pandered to because he is an arsehole, not because he is of the older generation.

hmmmmm · 17/12/2017 00:17

It's good you're listening to people.

Have a special time with your real family Xmas Smile

Crispbutty · 17/12/2017 00:22

The petrol money you save can go towards an extra present for your kids.

Don’t let his emotional blackmail get to you.

KC225 · 17/12/2017 01:06

Send his blank Christmas card back with a smear of Nutella down the crease.

If your children have seen him behalf like a dick, then you don't have to explain. Have a cozy Christmas. Ignore him.

Bumshkawahwah · 17/12/2017 06:56

Look at it this way - if you dance to his tune, you are sending the children the message that money and gifts are the most important thing and that it is worth being badly treated to get it.

It’s not that you are denying them anything. I think if they are old enough, it is worth explaining things to them. It certainly is not right that you are but in this horrible situation by your father and are considering taking the blame for any negative impact that might have in your children. Not right, but also not surprising as it is hard to go against that kind of conditioning.

I hope you manage to resolve this in your head and can have a lovely Christmas.

lasttimeround · 17/12/2017 07:07

Poor you your father is mean and controlling. You are doing well to shield your children from him. Have a look at the stately homes threads on relationships board. Many more of us about. It's not your fault he's like this. We all wish our parents would be living parents but some aren't snd loving them hoping they will change doesn't work.

lasttimeround · 17/12/2017 07:08

And don't dance to the piper. Ever. People don't get what they want by bullying. You should set an example for your children.

lakeg · 17/12/2017 07:09

LoveinTokyo, you have put it so well.

Pluckedpencil · 17/12/2017 07:25

If you are worried about explaining to the kids, I would definitely be honest. If you can't manage honest, I would say, grandad wanted to give it to you in person, remind him when you see him. And watch him squirm next time,because even a dick doesn't like to look like a miserable Scrooge to kids.