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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to 'fit in' with DF over Xmas

114 replies

xmasgrinch · 16/12/2017 20:11

NC as Xmas bollocks. Please help. My parents are divorced, DM lives abroad, has done for years. I have a lot of siblings and this year she has arranged for the majority to visit her at xmas. This has left me with very few plans.

'D'F is insisting I drive 4 hours to his house to attend his Xmas eve party. I am working Xmas eve and don't want to do a 3 hour drive there and back after work so I politely declined. He's now refusing to speak to me and wont make another arrangement. He wont give my DC an xmas present unless he sees them in person between 24/12 and 31/1 (personal rule of his). 'D'F is not and has never been a positive person in my life but he is very rich.

AIBU to deny my DC an xmas gift from their granddad (in practical terms it will be the biggest gift they get - we are not rich) because I do not want to drive for 8 hours on xmas eve. Please be kind, I've had a really shitty week.

OP posts:
MsHarry · 16/12/2017 20:35

But he would give them £100 - £200 each and I cannot. How is it acceptable for me to deny them that when their cousins will have it?

What a horrible man. He is paying to see his GC on his terms only? I wouldn't want to take his money tbh. Are the cousins visiting him or are they visiting your DM? How do they get the gift from him?

Original poster
xmasgrinch · 16/12/2017 20:37

I have a ridiculous number of brothers who are vaguely aware that SJC has been in hospital but not really connected. My family is fucked up and I consider it to be DH and I alone, really.

He remarried a young woman with no pre nap so there wont be an inheritance, and I don't care. I just care about if DC are sad that they miss out.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 16/12/2017 20:38

The other thing to consider is this - how much is it worth to make sure your children don't have the same sense of obligation to this man as you've had to have?

I'd say being free of that is well worth a few Christmas presents...

kiwiquest · 16/12/2017 20:39

Perhaps you just need to tell them the truth...., that Grampa wasn't being very kind to Mummy and yes it's unfair and sometimes adults aren't always nice. However didn't we have a lovely Christmas anyway doing XYZ??

kaitlinktm · 16/12/2017 20:39

He doesn't care about me. I accept that, but it hurts. He cares about the image of the family all together for a photo call at xmas. He will pay for that

He doesn't care about your DC either - please protect them from him - and from eventually feeling the same hurt you are feeling now.

Original poster
xmasgrinch · 16/12/2017 20:39

lalalalyra - but wont DC be angry wit me? Last week DD was angry because I missed parents evening, and only her dad could go. I work 50-60 hours a week and I feel so sad about them missing out.

I know you are right. I am sad he's such a dick. Why cant he be a proper grandad?

OP posts:
MsHarry · 16/12/2017 20:40

My FIL remarried a woman who was part of DC life when they were still young. FIL died, we ket in touch with her then when she broke conditions of his will over his property(moved a new man in and didn't buy out DH and his siblings' share) she stopped talking to us as DH brought it up. she still sends money to the sibling's DC and not to ours. I just told my DC and they formed their own opinion.

diddl · 16/12/2017 20:41

So your siblings who are going to your mums-when will they be seeing him to collect their bribes gifts?

EssentialHummus · 16/12/2017 20:42

how much is it worth to make sure your children don't have the same sense of obligation to this man as you've had to have?

I agree with this. You are giving them a wonderful gift by showing them that they can't be bought.

Flowers
MsHarry · 16/12/2017 20:43

I agree with others, free your DC from the same future. The value of not being caught in his web is priceless.

SukiTheDog · 16/12/2017 20:43

Make your own plans, putting your children first. He is very unreasonable.

diddl · 16/12/2017 20:43

Oh & of course you aren't stopping them getting anything-he is.

User02 · 16/12/2017 20:46

Pay per view - I have used that phrase a few times. I am the other side of the situation. I only get to see DGC if something is wanted!
If I pay or do I see DGC - Pay per view.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 16/12/2017 20:49

Oh sweetheart.

You can’t change a person, only how you react to them.

Don’t be a puppet and dance to his tune any more. You’re worth so much more than that. Look after your family unit. They’re the most important thing.

Glumglowworm · 16/12/2017 20:49

OP you’re doing the right thing protecting your children from being manipulated by him. They don’t need hundreds of £ of presents, they really don’t. They need you.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are still going through. I can tell how much it hurts you the way your dad treats you, it’s heartbreaking. But please try to believe that it’s nothing to do with you, you have done nothing wrong. He’s a vile, abusive man who is still trying to control you, this time through your children.

Greyponcho · 16/12/2017 20:51

So he arranges a big photo shoot so he can show off to his mates “look how wonderful I am that all my family want to be with me at Christmas”.
Sod that.
He can’t pick up your DC and put them down again like toys to do as he chooses.
If the DC ask where their present from GD is, hand them the phone and tell them GD will explain (or would he just say you’re too lazy?)
He sounds like a proper miserable git who enjoys being a controlling dick.
Make your own fun with the DC

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 16/12/2017 20:52

Not being involved in a dysfunctional familial relationship is worth so much more than a few hundred quid.

fidgettt · 16/12/2017 20:52

You're doing them a massive favour by not taking them!! You can't teach them that they can be bought by a manipulative neglectful control freak! Run a mile from DF OP.

Fairenuff · 16/12/2017 20:52

Give your children the best present they will ever get - freedom from this controlling behaviour. They will be glad in the long run.

StaplesCorner · 16/12/2017 20:53

How old are your DC OP? I think you need to explain to them in an age appropriate manner, and I assume DH is 100% on side. You have said this man was abusive to you as a child. Thats all anyone needs to know; he was a cunt, and he still is. Just put that into a child friendly sentence.

BTW did your Mum invite you too - I assume it was simply a case of not being able to afford to go? Do you get any emotional support from your siblings?

Cracker09jacker · 16/12/2017 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abouttoblow · 16/12/2017 20:56

You're absolutely doing the right thing by not going.
Your DC will benefit in the long run not being involved in this controlling situation.
I feel for you though Flowers

diddl · 16/12/2017 20:58

"So he arranges a big photo shoot so he can show off to his mates “look how wonderful I am that all my family want to be with me at Christmas”."

But most are going to their mum's?

BlackeyedSusan · 16/12/2017 21:00

think of it like this, would £200 each compensate for losing their mother if you had a car accident as you were tired/ill/weather was crap/met drunk driver on Christmas eve?

no bloody way would it so stay home.

LoveInTokyo · 16/12/2017 21:00

OP, how old are your children?