AIBU to refuse to 'fit in' with DF over Xmas

[xmasgrinch]

NC as Xmas bollocks. Please help. My parents are divorced, DM lives abroad, has done for years. I have a lot of siblings and this year she has arranged for the majority to visit her at xmas. This has left me with very few plans.

'D'F is insisting I drive 4 hours to his house to attend his Xmas eve party. I am working Xmas eve and don't want to do a 3 hour drive there and back after work so I politely declined. He's now refusing to speak to me and wont make another arrangement. He wont give my DC an xmas present unless he sees them in person between 24/12 and 31/1 (personal rule of his). 'D'F is not and has never been a positive person in my life but he is very rich.

AIBU to deny my DC an xmas gift from their granddad (in practical terms it will be the biggest gift they get - we are not rich) because I do not want to drive for 8 hours on xmas eve. Please be kind, I've had a really shitty week.

You aren't denying them anything, he is.

If the dc ask about it, just say that your sorry that df didn't get them a present, and you don't know why, but some grown ups aren't very good at being parents or grandparents.

Thanks everyone

DC have seen him behave terribly and think he's a bit of a knob.Oh fuck, its hard. I am just pathetic and always think he'll have a sudden realisation. :(

think of it like this, would £200 each compensate for losing their mother if you had a car accident as you were tired/ill/weather was crap/met drunk driver on Christmas eve?
no bloody way would it so stay home.

^ THIS. OP, stay at home and have a Happy Christmas with your family. All my best wishes

If receiving parents come with conditions I would fuck him off. He can stick his richness where the sun don’t shine. He will end up one very lonely bastard !!!

Send his blank Xmas card back with a sheet of toilet paper.

Not surprised he’s divorced.

He can shove his money up his arsehole!

Agree with everyone else, what a manipulative man - don't go!

Kids don't need a big cash gift - most don't get one! I realise the problem is the comparison with the cousins, but still, as others have said you are really doing your DCs a favour by not going.

Yika - that is it - comparison with cousins otherwise I could care less.\

Obvs I'm not going. Thanks for making me feel better about it.

Long distance....I love your post

If receiving parents come with conditions I would fuck him off. He can stick his richness where the sun don’t shine. He will end up one very lonely bastard !!!

Sadly they don't though, because basically they have enough money to buy all the company they need and are too shallow to care that it's not real.

DFiL pays private school fees for my DC's cousins.

He sends my children £20 for birthday / Christmas if he remembers.

My DC know this. He makes no secret of it, and we make no attempt to explain or cover up.

They form their own conclusions of who matters in their lives.

Your DC aren't a toy for your father to buy and shift and move around at his whim for his image, at your cost. Just explain in plain factual terms to your DC. They'll understand. And they're allowed to feel the loss of the gifts, but I bet they'll also feel the attempt to control and the fact that it's not a gift out of love for them if he is doing this to you. Anyway, being out of a controlling toxic relationship is worth loads more than legos, toys and games.
I also like the idea of managing it a bit with the extended family - no reason they shouldn't know about your hospital stays and that you have good reasons for not going! Really feel for you - he sounds pretty bad. Have a lovely, happy, safe, warm and loving Christmas.

I think you're doing your kids more of a favour if you just drop him, especially given your health concerns and the state of teh roads - I'm certain they'd rather have you healthy and happy instead of in a RTA, and better yet at home with them on Xmas Eve. The blank card was astonishing.

MsHarry - I'm sorry you went thru that. Hope you have a happy family Christmas xx

Diddl - There are a LOT of us siblings.So say majority is 5 then 4 still in Uk for photocall on Xmas eve

Longdistance !

He sounds toxic and tbh you a4e better shielding them form him

I have not read all the posts but I 100% agree with elQuintoConyo "Don't feel bad for your DC - keep them away from this arsehole. They don't need the exposure to such cruelty."

If your father can't be bothered to buy his grandchildren a present, so be it. He is the loser.

Give your kids the options? I don't know how old they are, but mind will pick time with me over material stuff any day.

Is the material stuff even worth the petrol?

Driving miles in the dark after working coul dbe dangerous, put their safety first and tell your fuckwitt father this is why you can't come and see him then.

Send him this card OP

"DC have seen him behave terribly and think he's a bit of a knob." Then keep them safely away from him.

"I am just pathetic and always think he'll have a sudden realisation" YOU are not pathetic, he is. Please look into some form of counselling or assertiveness training, or read up about surviving an emotionally abusive parent and how to survive them. I;d consider just being low contact, if he gives something, take it as a pleasant surprise, if he leaves money in his will to you, lovely, if not, so be it. He is in the wrong. But you need to stop expecting him to change, he is old and has been like this a long time, he won't change unless he wants to.

... or this one

kaitlinktm -

Italiangreyhound- I am very low contact. See him 2/3 times a year and dont speak in between

No YANBU. Your children know he is a twat who only wants them when he can flash the cash. You’re only talking a couple of hundred, not thousands of pounds of house deposit etc. Their cousins will eat through it and it will be gone and forgotten. All it does is show him to be the unhealthy influence that you already know he is. Please don’t let them grow up dancing to someone’s tune like you had to. Sorry you’re having to put up with this. You can’t choose your family. You sound lovely.

My DC don't get thousands of pounds each year paid into funds for them like their cousins do, as we have serious reservations about the strings attached and the person doing the giving.

One other beneficiary agrees but takes the money as it benefits the kids. We don't but feel guilty sometimes as a result. It's a hard one. But following your own moral compass and basically trying to do the right thing has to take precedence.

You poor thing.

Your DC will judge you anyway , whether you do or you don't.. that's what DCs do!!! So do what you know is right ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Your kids won’t suffer for lack of an expensive Xmas present. To be honest, the price of fuel being what it is I’d have thought it wou,d cost at least £50 to drive there and back anyway.

Have a lovely Xmas eve at home. Love and consistency are much more important than things.