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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to another couplesy dinner

261 replies

twiney · 16/12/2017 10:40

DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.

I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:

I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.

I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.

Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?

Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.

AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?

OP posts:
Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 10:08

I have no idea how they manage with the kids, but this is France so there's a slightly different approach compared to the UK. The other couple's kid bless him was asleep on the couch until they left.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:09

How long have you been with your partner? Do you think he’s the One? Is he 30 too?

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:10

The other couple’s kid was there til 3am?!
Does everyone do drugs - is that what’s going on? I’ve never heard of a dinner that goes on til 5.30am unless it’s a drug & drinks house party.

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:12

Hang on, if you don’t live together but you say you do most of the wife work like cooking, cleaning and laundry, do you mean you clean his flat and do his laundry at his place as well as yours at your place? I’m speechless. And you pay for most of your activities? He must think he’s hit gold.

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/12/2017 10:14

All the cooking, drudge work, enduring this excruciatingly boring marathon ???

OP, this is a load of crap!?

He thought his friends would be enough for you?

What? So you've gone there, live in a tiny place, do all his housework, have no friends of your own and he thinks he's hard done by because you 'strop' about enduring this hellish, enforced socialising with his friends?

He doesn't seem to have a realistic grasp of you as a real person. He seems to imagine you're an accessory to him?

You know you can just point blank refuse to go? If he has a problem, tell him to stop 'stropping'.

He completely took the piss last night. 5.30?? I'd have murdered for less.

Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 10:14

@MsJaneAusten @Dozer

No, the root causes of my anger are never fundamentally addressed.

I know there will be some LTB posts coming my way, but I think I would like to at least try being more assertive before going down that route straight away.

If I told him I wanted him to take on more stuff instead of just automatically doing it myself, if I laid down the rules (aka sure, lets go to the dinner, but I want us to leave by 1am the very latest and I dont want to have to cajole you into it), I would probably feel more relaxed generally and so wont find myself "stropping". If he doesnt step up.to that, then we have a fundamental problem that cant be fixed.

@ferntwist
He is 36.

OP posts:
Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 10:16

@ferntwist
Fuck no!!!!!! I mean he basically lives at mine anyway. But yesterday we actually signed a lease for a flat together........moving in next month.......which will be very interesting because suddenly its not just "my" place anymore.

OP posts:
fia101 · 17/12/2017 10:16

You're DP sounds reasonable. If I backed out I'd get abuse from DH. I'm tired from getting up with kids Friday and Saturday night (3 year old up since 5 and was kicking all night) I say I can't make mass this morning and 3 year old will flake out and he goes nuts.

Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 10:17

@ferntwist
Honestly my experience generally in France is people do go on for longer. No drugs although thats not a bad idea for next time! ;-D

OP posts:
ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:20

Okay twiney, glad you’re not skivvying at his place too but you have to make sure he starts sharing all the work when you move in together. Yikes, I hope he won’t expect you to host dinners for his old school friends in your new place and stay up til first light entertaining them.
At 36 he should be more mature than this.
French men (I’m guessing here) can be pretty traditional. Be careful.

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 10:22

So you’re in France? Aha, I thought so. I know the dinners last a long time but still 5.30am, absolutement non! C’est pas normal ça. Fait attention avec lui.

YouTheCat · 17/12/2017 10:22

He needs to at least ask you before he accepts invitations on your behalf. What if you already had something planned?

It sounds hideous and tiresome. No way would I want to be at someone's house for that long.

Wallywobbles · 17/12/2017 10:26

I don't mind at all when friends partners don't come. With a days warning no issues with a pull out. I'd prefer to know before table laying.

LoveInTokyo · 17/12/2017 10:30

Twiney, I'm in France too. It shouldn't make any difference in terms of having basic respect for your partner. If he knew that you didn't want to stay out until 2am then he should have been starting to make a move before that, by 2am you'd done exactly what you didn't want to do, and 5:30 is ridiculous. I would have been tempted to get a taxi home by myself and let him sort himself out in the morning - especially if you're the one picking up the lion's share of the bills anyway.

Whinesalot · 17/12/2017 10:34

What would happen if you said i'm sorry but I'm so tired I need to go home now or I need to sleep, then you fall asleep in the sitting room?

Would he give you grief or take you home?

AnyFucker · 17/12/2017 10:34

Everything is on his terms

And you are moving in with this guy ? Good luck with setting terms for that because you can't even express an opinion never mind assert yourself with this guy. What he says seems to go and everything is always your fault

I can see you are going to go ahead with it, but make sure you keep your escape route open. I think you are going to need it.

Motoko · 17/12/2017 10:34

But yesterday we actually signed a lease for a flat together

Oh dear. I fear that may have been a mistake. Like others, I think you were there even later than usual as punishment.
You really need to put some boundaries in place, and stick to them. And for god's sake, when you live together, make sure he does his share of the chores.

Dozer · 17/12/2017 10:51

Your suggested “compromise” isn’t, because you still have to spend time with people / doing something you find tedious. Fine from time to time but not frequently. An actual compromise would be for him to go alone sometimes.

You moved to france for him?

At 36 he should know how to do a fair share of domestic work and paying for things. You shouldn’t need to carry the “mental load” of delegating.

Hope it’s a short lease. Don’t whatever you do start by doing all the domestic work.

Dozer · 17/12/2017 10:53

Also, given you age, if you want DC think very hard about what, based on his behaviour to date, he is realistically likely to be like as a husband and father. If you do want DC you don’t have years to waste on someone who is sexist and thinks your relationship is great when he’s not meeting your needs and you’re furious.

Also, would you be allowed to leave france with the DC?

LoveInTokyo · 17/12/2017 11:00

Yeah, you do need to be doubly sure about having kids with someone from another country, for that very reason. (Especially if you are living in their country.)

MiddleClassProblem · 17/12/2017 11:01

You need to put your foot down with the chores. Plus this dinner thing is every week!ast night was a birthday so fine but otherwise you shouldn’t have to go, he should feel fine in not going.

STOP DOING ALL THE CHORES!

sadie9 · 17/12/2017 11:56

You cook every meal, you support him financially...hmm. When you move in next month, you first and foremost need to set up a joint bank account. Then you both feed in a percentage of your wages into it, to pay the rent and bills, all groceries etc come out of this. Clothes nights out, etc come out of your own individual accounts.
Do not do the 'I'll pay the rent, then you pay everything else' type of arrangement, because that's not joint finances. This is the ideal time to do that.
People who are socially anxious do not like going to other people's houses, unless it's family or very close friends. They do fine going to bars and restaurants where they have the control to leave. Social anxiety is about control and being in control. That's why you initially agree to go somewhere, but when the day of the event actually comes around the nerves start kicking in.
Your DH probably has some social anxiety also, but this is masked because he is very comfortable with old friends. But he is reluctant to go and meet new people with you. That kind of says something too. Do you kick off an awful fuss when he refuses to come in and meet your work crowd? Probably not, because you are glad to be out on your own without someone saying 'can we go home now' after an hour!
You both have to accept the way you both are and try to find a compromise.

diddl · 17/12/2017 12:13

"its just a dinner with my friends and it becomes this big massive thing"

Surely it's him making it a massive thing by insisting that you go & then forcing you to stay way past a time that you are comfortable with.

Why can't you make your own way home?

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/12/2017 12:17

This is a depressing thread:

Intelligent, funny, feisty OP had perfectly reasonable desire to not go out, again, and be captive for hours and hours in the house of people she doesn’t really enjoy.

OP’s partner guilt trips, sulks, manipulates, causes an argument, and then gets his own way.

They stay out even longer than they usually do in a seemingly controlling display of OP’s reasonable needs and wants being flattened.

OP this is not good. You sound awesome. Please don’t let yourself be manipulated any more.

And ‘stropping’? Don’t describe your frustration about being pressurised into doing stuff you don’t like be minimised by that word.

You have every right to say no. In a way this relates to consent.

If you want to stay with him, set some boundaries. And be prepared to deal with his sulking and wheedling. Either he will get the message or you will need to rethink the relationship.

ijustwannadance · 17/12/2017 12:41

He must be fucking amazing in bed if you intend to stick around playing skivvy to someone who is shit with money and bone idle

He won't ever, ever change and as much as you think you will be more assertive, it reality you won't and will continue seething in resentment but with kids support and clean up after too.

You are already bored.