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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find MILs behaviour disrespectful?

102 replies

overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:26

OK, so I know lots of people hate posts about MILs, but I need some advice in case I'm blowing this out of proportion. MIL comes to stay for weekends sometimes and I feel she treats us like children (we are 39 years old) and undermines me with regards to my home.

She moans that we have power-saving lightbulbs and actually expects us to change them for her (they take too long to light up).

She wants us to fix the bath tap because it's too stiff to turn on and hurts her wrist, even though we are having our bathroom changed in three months, so it would be pointless (and we can turn it on fine).

She insists on having the doors left unlocked when we are in the house (not sure why - maybe phobia about being locked in), which I am totally against with my kids in the house. She repeatedly asks me to 'leave it unlocked'. My DH sometimes agrees and leaves it open, which causes an argument between us because I know he disagrees with this and would NEVER do it if she's not around.

She kept saying my cupboards are messy and I need to organise stuff into sorting boxes. Then she bought sorting boxes and offered to sort my stuff. I said, "No thank you, it may look a mess but I know exactly where everything is".

She called my house 'cluttered'. It so ISN'T cluttered - it's practically minimalistic.

She often buys products that she thinks I should use, instead of my normal products - i.e. laundry washing liquid, instead of washing powder, because it's 'better'.

There is lots of other little stuff. It's also me who ends up having to disagree with her or explain why I want things a certain way, because DH is too frightened to challenger her (but pretends he isn't).

OP posts:
Iloveanimals · 15/12/2017 10:35

She sounds a complete pain. But your husband should step up and stop her, not your job. Have you spoken to him about his controlling mother?Many times (not always) Mil problems occur when the husband has no backbone. Sorry to be blunt.

thetemptationofchocolate · 15/12/2017 10:36

Mine used to be a bit like this. She'd come over when DP was at home and I was out at work, and bring things she thought we ought to have, meddle with my laundry, things like that. I'm afraid I dealt with it in a very petty way by just ignoring anything she'd brought into the flat.

Anyway she's been dead now for 20 years so now I can fill my house with my own random crap instead :)

It is difficult when there is a parent who can't let go of adult children. My own parents do nothing when they are in my house, but that's another AIBU thread entirely!

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 10:46

She is over stepping the mark.

You and your DH need to sit her down and talk to her. What she does in her house is her business, what you do in yours is yours. Would she be fine if you came and re arranged her cupboards?

Trinity66 · 15/12/2017 10:48

That sounds annoying, how come she stays over so much?

Original poster
overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:48

Yes I've had many conversations with my DH about this. And in moments of frustration I have also said that the apron strings have not been cut! I have told him that it needs to be him who addresses it. He often says he does not notice this stuff, but I think he also avoids it.

The laundry! That's another one. She will insist on washing every single item in the washing basket for me (don't get me wrong, very helpful), but I must have told her a million times not to mix colours with whites, and she ignores it (purposefully I think, because she disagrees). She will also put a wash on for three items, just for the sake of completely emptying the basket, instead of saving them for a full load.

OP posts:
Original poster
overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:50

She lives quite far away but is keen to be involved with the children, so makes the effort to visit - and we visit her as well. So once a month / every six weeks she stays here.

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 15/12/2017 10:50

She sounds like a nightmare. You need to get your DH to deal with it.

GreenTulips · 15/12/2017 10:50

I agree she's too involved and it's must be very draining

Why does she stay so often?

Lizzie48 · 15/12/2017 10:51

My DM is like this, it drives us both up the wall! It's always done supposedly as a 'suggestion' and as 'problem solving' and we 'don't have to do it'. Well, thank you for clearing that up, DM, I didn't realise that I was an adult in my forties who could make my own decisions.

Your MIL won't change unless your DH stands up to her. I'm finding my DM much easier now I don't see her or talk to her as much.

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 10:52

She sounds like your average M/MIL. You need to just chill a bit.

Trinity66 · 15/12/2017 10:52

She lives quite far away but is keen to be involved with the children, so makes the effort to visit - and we visit her as well. So once a month / every six weeks she stays here.

That's fair enough, it's a tough one though, not sure what you can do really other than get your DH to talk to her, it really should be him doing it

JoJoSM2 · 15/12/2017 10:53

She sounds completely toxic. And DH needs to step it up.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 15/12/2017 10:53

The door lock thing is odd and I think that's perhaps something she can't help. It might be better for your dh to ask and talk about this with her. If she is claustrophobic or gets panic about it, she can't help that. I'm not saying doors left un locked but like a fear of spiders she needs help with that.

However she can absolutely help her tongue to stop critism of your home. A good line might be, would you go into a friend's house and say this? Without a doubt its your dh who needs to have a gentle word about this.
It can be done without causing offence.
Tell dh to ask he to stop criticism of the cupboards an hone or you won't want to host her again.
Why why why do they do it why!!!

Anniegetyourgun · 15/12/2017 10:55

Take the plug off the washing machine when she visits Wink

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 10:55

She sounds completely toxic

She buys op washing liquid and asks to be able to use the bath taps, she's not fucking toxic. What words do you have left for someone that is actually awful if you bandy around toxic for this shit?

abbey44 · 15/12/2017 10:57

Oh God, send her over to me - I'd love somebody to organise my cupboards and do my laundry!

Otherwise, if you're going to keep her, then your DH should be stepping up to the mark and having a word with her, I think.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:59

Yeah we've had the conversation about him standing up to her loads. I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. I think he is so used to her dictating that it has become the norm for him.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 15/12/2017 11:01

Why why why do they do it why!!!

^^ I agree, and I am thinking about starting another thread as probably the vast majority of us will end up as MILs ourselves - what we can we do to stop this sort of behaviour in ourselves? I sure the MILs who are proving 'difficult' now most likely had the same issues with their own MILs - so why does it continue? Confused

I have an only child - a DS - and I am really wary of becoming the 'MIL from Hell'. I really, really hope I don't, but who knows what we might turn into in the future?

lurkingnotlurking · 15/12/2017 11:01

Yeah... I'd like someone to sort my cupboards out too. Why don't you just tell her you know she means well but it's your house and you do things your way?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/12/2017 11:08

I wasn't the world's best mother and I'm not the world's best MIL, but one way I know I have done something right is that DS has no trouble at all telling me when he considers I'm out of order. Fortunately he hasn't had to tell me too often.

The basic principle is so very simple. Your precious child has GROWN UP and is living with another ADULT and it is THEIR HOUSE, THEIR CHILDREN and THEIR CHOICES. All you have to do is let them get on with it. That's got to be easier than interfering, hasn't it? Unless they're doing something dangerous, obviously, something Social Services might have an opinion on. Using the "wrong" brand of washing powder does not come under this heading.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/12/2017 11:08

I think he is so used to her dictating that it has become the norm for him

You don't need to wait for dh to 'man up' and find a backbone........it's your house too, your stuff and it's you she's pissing off - get her told!
Otherwise you're just enabling both your dh and mil.

PositivelyPERF · 15/12/2017 11:08

Don't be ridiculous OP!
I LOVE mil threads! 😁

applesandpears33 · 15/12/2017 11:09

I'd focus on the things that might be dangerous. I could never leave the doors to our house unlocked when our DC were small because they would have opened them up and gone outside. I'd be more relaxed about that now they are older but when they were small I would have insisted that all the doors were kept locked and given her a key to carry around if it worried her so much. I'd try to let the other stuff wash over me (but it would still irritate me).

diddl · 15/12/2017 11:11

When you say that she thinks "your" cupboards are essy?

Are they not your husband's as well?

Does he want them sorting out?

lurkingnotlurking · 15/12/2017 11:11

But if you don't want her going in your cupboards again, you could leave a vibrator in one to be found