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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find MILs behaviour disrespectful?

102 replies

overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:26

OK, so I know lots of people hate posts about MILs, but I need some advice in case I'm blowing this out of proportion. MIL comes to stay for weekends sometimes and I feel she treats us like children (we are 39 years old) and undermines me with regards to my home.

She moans that we have power-saving lightbulbs and actually expects us to change them for her (they take too long to light up).

She wants us to fix the bath tap because it's too stiff to turn on and hurts her wrist, even though we are having our bathroom changed in three months, so it would be pointless (and we can turn it on fine).

She insists on having the doors left unlocked when we are in the house (not sure why - maybe phobia about being locked in), which I am totally against with my kids in the house. She repeatedly asks me to 'leave it unlocked'. My DH sometimes agrees and leaves it open, which causes an argument between us because I know he disagrees with this and would NEVER do it if she's not around.

She kept saying my cupboards are messy and I need to organise stuff into sorting boxes. Then she bought sorting boxes and offered to sort my stuff. I said, "No thank you, it may look a mess but I know exactly where everything is".

She called my house 'cluttered'. It so ISN'T cluttered - it's practically minimalistic.

She often buys products that she thinks I should use, instead of my normal products - i.e. laundry washing liquid, instead of washing powder, because it's 'better'.

There is lots of other little stuff. It's also me who ends up having to disagree with her or explain why I want things a certain way, because DH is too frightened to challenger her (but pretends he isn't).

OP posts:

pigeondujour · 15/12/2017 13:04

*he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother. He is far more afraid of her than he ever is of you.

I would say it is a given as well that she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. You probably have not come across someone as emotionally dysfunctional as his mother before now either.*

Sorry, but this stuff gets projected on so many parents and in-laws threads where it's patently not appropriate. Not everything that pisses anyone off is narcissism/stately homes stuff. It devalues the significance of that narrative where it does apply when you try to apply it everywhere.

OP, I'd just get a bit firmer on asking her not to do the washing etc because you like it your own way. And tell your husband he will like the consequences of not backing you up even less than he will like backing you up. I would see if I can get something temporary as a pp mentioned to help with the taps because that's a shame for her and also it shows you're not being totally rigid.

Columbine1 · 15/12/2017 13:07

I agree with Kimmy 1122
Don't sweat this stuff. She's probably trying to be helpful
I'd be thrilled if someone wanted to do any of my housework! :)

LoniceraJaponica · 15/12/2017 13:10

Oh, and the door.

tallulahwullah · 15/12/2017 13:11

Can't you minimise the time she stays or stays at all - until your hubby steps up?!

starfishmummy · 15/12/2017 13:23

I think it would annoy ems too, especially if it happens every time she vizits. But isn't worth having a row about? I would just nod and change the subject and hide the washing!!!

Although I would be annoyed at her going in my uoboards. Kitchen ones to make a cuppa maybe but any others would be a no go.area!

MipMipMip · 15/12/2017 13:25

We get community police emails. Almost evert day there is a sneak in burglary where doors were left unlocked. Would she do better if you explained the reasons behind it? (And maybe printed out some police advice).

If not I agree with PPs' suggestions of either a door chain or locking it and giving her a key to keep round her neck and checking regularly to make sure she hasn't snuck it unlocked.

Aki99 · 15/12/2017 13:27

Personally I would just ignore her. My mum and FIL can get a bit 'helpful' sometimes - buying stuff for me that I didn't ask for (and sometimes cant use for various reasons) and get shirty when I say thanks but no thanks. Now I just gently suggest they ask first but generally don't let it bother me - got enough to worry about! I would ask whether she has any problems with her wrists - your comment makes me think of my mother who has arthritis as I wouldn't want her to feel unnecessary pain. As you are having your bathroom done different taps might help. You might have no problem but she might have an invisible disability? Otherwise agree - annoying. My DH and I just ignore 'helpful' comments and don't let them bother us

DrCoconut · 15/12/2017 13:32

Who on Earth leaves their doors unlocked ever?😱 it's surely a massive security risk. You'd be robbed if you did it here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2017 13:45

If you had anyone let alone a relative do this to you in your own home you would be annoyed too. You are more than capable of managing your own cupboards and laundry without such "help". Just because you have not experienced this type of behaviour yourself at first hand does not mean there is not a problem here.

He is indeed too frightened to challenge her because of his own fear obligation and guilt (OP states as much in her initial post).

Such people are never helpful, its control dressed up as being helpful. Also the OP has not asked for such help so it is also unwanted.

Sashkin · 15/12/2017 13:51

Next time you visit, take a few shopping bags full of your own washing powder, washing up liquid, cleaning products etc and ostentatiously go through her cupboards replacing hers with yours. Then change a few of her lightbulbs to energy-saving ones. And go through her laundry.

I imagine once or twice will be all it will take to get the message across

Lizzie48 · 15/12/2017 13:54

My DM also worries when the front door is locked, she says that if there's a fire we might not get out in time. Is that what's going on with your MIL? It is up to you, though, and wrong of her to make it into an issue.

PhuntSox · 15/12/2017 14:00

Shame she can't come and stay until the new bathroom is in...

Doingthebattybat · 15/12/2017 14:00

I can understand the tap and the lightbulbs to be fair. If you have any form of arthritis base of the thumb pain can be really painful. Twisting something reslly tight like a tap or a jar can be very sore. My DB turns taps really tightly and often I have to ask someone to loosen them a bit.

As you get older dull light can be very difficult. I can’t read at all in low light. Maybe getting a craft lamp might solve the problem. It’s not reasonable for MIL to expect you to change all your bulbs but one decent light for reading, makeup etc might be good.

The rest of her gripes aren’t reasonable. Show her where the door keys are so she knows she can get out but unlocked doors are a big security risk so no they can’t be left unlocked.

MammaAgata · 15/12/2017 14:11

With regard to the locked front door - (there's been threads about this in the past..) - When I had my new front door put in (sort of like a glass bifold mechanism with a handle you pull up), it was only able to be locked with a key. This caused me lots of anxiety for quite a while because I was worried about fires at night, and us not being able to find the key in time. I easily and cheaply got a thumb turn lock for it. It means that you can lock/unlock from the inside without needing a key. Added security in a rural location and less anxiety inducing regarding losing keys etc or relying on constantly wearing one on a lanyard round your neck.

tampinfuminragin · 15/12/2017 14:15

Don't have her stay. I couldn't handle that or keep my mouth shut.

grannytomine · 15/12/2017 14:15

I can understand the tap and the lightbulbs to be fair. I agree the arthritis thing is very understandable. We changed our kitchen taps about 4 years ago and I stopped taking pain killers, it made such a difference. It is getting worse again and I know I need new taps in the bathroom. I will be getting them changed after Christmas. I don't moan about it in other people's houses but she might be in alot of pain so I would definitely cut her some slack about that and if they are being changed in 3 months that moan isn't going to go on for long.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 15/12/2017 14:56

You see rightly or wrongly I too would love someone to bear these house work burden once in which while. I would have happily let Mil help if she wanted too but with my Mil it turns into something else eg our washing machine broke she offered to cover us till we got back to new one. Very kind but then cushion covers never came back, she took it upon herself to throw them away, she replaced with something I didn't like.
Same without tops or clothes she thinks are too old, gone and replaced with something I don't like. Comments about other stuff. Never ever again. Helping in the house means rearrange to hers taste
Her control her. Yes her feeling of self worth is bound up in this.

So it turns it into more than a kindly offer to help it's a competition, a way of be lilting me, controlling us... Getting attention.

So, thanks but no bloody thanks

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 15/12/2017 15:00

Yy attila its total control.
If my dm helped out and i said, no mum please don't do that or... I don't like it when you do x, I would have said it in a casual nice way and she would have responded in kind. With Mil it would be attacking her, being vicious...

Damnthatonestaken · 16/12/2017 12:43

I think you have to not sweat the small stuff. But stuff like leaving the doors open id put my foot down

Whinesalot · 16/12/2017 12:50

You need to let it wash over you like water on a ducks back. Stand firm on how you live in your house and don't feel guilty or let it bother you.
Set those boundaries and enforce them. If she gets upset then that's her problem. Whilst she gets away with pushing some boundaries then she'll continue pushing.

Whinesalot · 16/12/2017 12:53

She can ask you to turn the taps on and off for her for 3 months. It's madness to go to expense/time and effort for three months. The light bulb she can suck up for a weekend. In your house you will not endanger the kids so the door will be locked. If she can't cope with this then she sees you every 8/12 weeks in her home where you all be willing to suck up her rules. End of.

Whinesalot · 16/12/2017 12:55

Oh and ell her your rules on the washing and if she keeps forgetting tell her not to bother. Ditto other house hold jobs. "I know I'm fussy Mil (tinkley laugh) but I'll do it myself as I like it done a certain way"

RemainOptimistic · 16/12/2017 12:56

Tell her she's to stay in a hotel from now on. Or else DH is going to commit to take DC to visit her every 6 weeks.

Seriously just no, this whole situation is ridiculous. Just because she's related to someone doesn't mean she has the right to have her outrageous behaviour ignored.

I get it OP and you can't treat her like a normal healthy independent adult, she doesn't behave like one and never will. Lay down the boundaries now and stand firm.

My DM is banned from staying overnight in our home for similar outrageous behaviour. I realised I would never put up with that behaviour from anyone else on the planet so why was I putting up with it from my own mother? It put everything in perspective.

HickDead · 16/12/2017 13:22

I really don't understand why people let these things fester! We had a few issues with both our mums being a little interfering when DC1 came along. We politely but very firmly put boundaries in place As a result we have excellent relationships with both sets of parents and hardly ever have any issues these days. If we do, we deal with them quickly.

HickDead · 16/12/2017 13:29

WRT the front door, I would have to be extremely firm and no nonsense there. We have a 3 yr old escape merchant!

I would be saying "you will have to put up with the door being locked at all times DMIL, I'm sure you'll agree that safety of your GC comes above everyone else's needs."

With a firm smile and steely stare that brooks no argument.

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