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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find MILs behaviour disrespectful?

102 replies

overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:26

OK, so I know lots of people hate posts about MILs, but I need some advice in case I'm blowing this out of proportion. MIL comes to stay for weekends sometimes and I feel she treats us like children (we are 39 years old) and undermines me with regards to my home.

She moans that we have power-saving lightbulbs and actually expects us to change them for her (they take too long to light up).

She wants us to fix the bath tap because it's too stiff to turn on and hurts her wrist, even though we are having our bathroom changed in three months, so it would be pointless (and we can turn it on fine).

She insists on having the doors left unlocked when we are in the house (not sure why - maybe phobia about being locked in), which I am totally against with my kids in the house. She repeatedly asks me to 'leave it unlocked'. My DH sometimes agrees and leaves it open, which causes an argument between us because I know he disagrees with this and would NEVER do it if she's not around.

She kept saying my cupboards are messy and I need to organise stuff into sorting boxes. Then she bought sorting boxes and offered to sort my stuff. I said, "No thank you, it may look a mess but I know exactly where everything is".

She called my house 'cluttered'. It so ISN'T cluttered - it's practically minimalistic.

She often buys products that she thinks I should use, instead of my normal products - i.e. laundry washing liquid, instead of washing powder, because it's 'better'.

There is lots of other little stuff. It's also me who ends up having to disagree with her or explain why I want things a certain way, because DH is too frightened to challenger her (but pretends he isn't).

OP posts:
TheRottweiler · 15/12/2017 11:14

Oh bless her - she just wants to be and to feel useful.

I'd let her tidy my cupboards and then, when she'd gone home 'mess' them up again....for her to the next time she again .

I'd make sure all OUR washing was done but tell her she was welcome to do her own washing.

And I'd insist on going into the bathroom to turn on the tap for her - every single time. Poor old dear :P

ppeatfruit · 15/12/2017 11:14

Iam a Mil. I keep my mouth shut almost all the time. The only time I have done laundry is for my ex dil who literally has NO IDEA about separating out the colours and cottons etc. She also bungs far too much in the machine, doesn't dry her clothes properly and they smell! I have only done it when I've been looking after GD full time for a week or so.

TheRottweiler · 15/12/2017 11:14

For her to do the next time she came.....

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2017 11:15

She's staying too often.

Tell your DH he has a choice.

Either he starts standing up to her or you're going to start making excuses why she can't visit more than every three months or so, as it's beginning to piss you off big time and the choice is either her visiting less often (so you can take it), him talking to her (best option, as you also resent him right now) or - screaming row in the end where you tell her to fuck off and stop treating you all like children.

He gets to choose the option!

happypoobum · 15/12/2017 11:19

Agree with Fizzy

She is definitely staying too often and you definitely have a DH problem. He has to decide who he least wants to be totally fucked off with him - you or MIL.

Yes she will be upset if you stand up to her but at the moment, you are upset, and it's your bloody home.

KimmySchmidt1 · 15/12/2017 11:22

She sounds like a classic old SAHM - someone who has nothing to show for her life but her housekeeping ability. If you are also clinging to your self worth based on your clutter free cupboards then clearly this is going to upset you.

But if you actually don't value yourself according to how good you are at being a housekeeper, just let her get on with it and see it has free cleaning/stuff. Imagine how much more annoying it would be for her to realise that she is not making you feel bad, but doing you a favour because you STILL don't rate housekeeping as a thing to aspire to? For the rest of it extricate yourself and get your DH to deal - it is his mother.

My MIL is a bit too house proud (her house is totally empty and depressing but bloody spotless) and I don't think she does it negatively but she does want to help with us so I let her if she buys us extra washing baskets or whatevs - I couldn't give fig. Its all less for me to do which is fine by me. We have a cleaner and both have a career. His parents basically clean instead of having hobbies, bless them!

MammaAgata · 15/12/2017 11:22

The door thing would drive me nuts to be honest - but i'm the opposite and almost have a phobia of the front door being left unlocked. I live in quite a rural location with a big garden. The way my house is laid out it's entirely feasible that someone could walk in the front door straight into my kitchen (I do have another front door), nick my handbag and walk off without me ever knowing about it, if say I was upstairs or on the loo etc. I would hate someone going through my dirty washing and putting it in the washing machine etc. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue to be honest as to how much of an invasion I would feel this to be in my own home.

user1499333856 · 15/12/2017 11:23

I have been in your shoes. It was so overbearing that I found I hated coming back to my own home. My MIL gave us childcare and while I was grateful for it, it came at too high a price to my mental health and my relationship with my kids. Like yours, my MIL would clean and tidy my home as if it were her own. In honesty, a hell of a lot better than I do it. No gesture was too much for her but none of it was asked for. Initially I said thank you, this then turned to me being politely accommodating of her. Then I became really uncomfortable. Before long I was seething with resentment as I went out to work all day long (DH not working - but that is another thread entirely) and she was sitting at home with my children having the pleasures of my children and running my home. All with her lazy son's tacit agreement.

I felt violated in the end and pushed out. Smothered with kindness.

Do not allow this to continue - it is toxic. Your house = your rules. I would take a large step back from her and tell your husband it stops now. He has to back you up and you have to disengage from it.

I really feel for you. Good luck!

Original poster
overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 11:25

diddl - In an ideal world, then yes they are my DHs cupboards as well. Unfortunately, part of the consequence (IMO) of my DH having an over-bearing mother is that he does not make decisions or take responsibility for things. Things just magically happen around the house for him and it would not enter his head to take it upon himself to do anything, without being asked. It's as if he now has a new mother (ME! - not willingly though!) who now just takes care of things. However, he is knows all this and wants to get better at it, and has improved loads, so I can't complain too much. I know it's not purposeful, it's just that thoughts about organising things do not enter his head. He was never taught to organise anything.

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 15/12/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkingnotlurking · 15/12/2017 11:29

Who gets taught to organise, Op? Just point him in the direction of what needs doing and let him find his own way.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2017 11:30

She does sound a pain I have to say. I don't like doors locked when I'm in the house. But everyone has different ways and as a guest in your house she has to go by your rules. You won't get anywhere complaining about her to your DH so don't bother. She needs to be told we all do things differently. And this is how you are doing things in your house. End of. In her house you'll do things her way.

frogsoup · 15/12/2017 11:30

"The only time I have done laundry is for my ex dil who literally has NO IDEA about separating out the colours and cottons etc."

Or maybe she does, but doesn't care?! So what if she doesn't separate out her laundry to your satisfaction, she's an adult, they aren't your clothes and it isn't your house. It's way overstepping the line; I'd be livid if my MIL did this. Mine can be a pain in other ways but even she doesn't start interfering with how I do my laundry!

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/12/2017 11:32

Bulbs - modern energy saving ones don’t take any time to full brightness. Maybe replace the one in her room with a new better one.

Door - keep it locked but give her a key to wear around her neck on a lanyard.

Bath tap - well incan see her point if she can’t use it so maybe acknowledge it’s a pain for her but don’t actually do anything since you’re having the bathroom done so soon.

The other side? I can’t get worked up about.

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/12/2017 11:34

Problem is that your DH has married a woman quite like his mother - territorial about him and his washing ;-)

allinclusive · 15/12/2017 11:36

I'd ignore her, and try and rise above it. If you need to, just politely but firmly explain that this is how things are done here and leave it at that. She will eventually relent.

I do feel sympathy for her re: tap a bit. again tell her it will be fixed soon and she can use another sink or the bath to wash her hands.

andylovesme · 15/12/2017 11:40

I think she likes to compain and that is her problem really. Not yours. You might ignore her or let your DH know about how you feel.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 11:41

Fluffy - Ha ha, I lived alone for quite a while, so yes he probably saw traits in me similar to his mother in terms of liking things a certain way and good at organising stuff. But no way do I organise him. I leave him floundering to sort himself out and we constantly have the same discussions about why didn't he notice X needs sorting, and why does it never enter his head to take responsibility for X, and how I don't want to have to tell him to do stuff, or organise everything on my own without him evening thinking how he could help, etc. It's probably the only thing in our relationship that's an issue, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not really a biggie. Life could be worse.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 15/12/2017 11:41

I used to say things like

'OH DH is responsible for X job, why didn't you help him instead?'

Take the fuse out of the washing machine plug

You see my MIL did an awful lot for her daughter, did their washing ironing babysitting etc and I'd rather she didn't (she could babysit) I just didn't want her reorganising my home and doing the washing --it's bloody rude- Id rather she visited as a guest - and so normal stuff like help wash up after or play with the kids not take over the house work!!

DH got it eventually as he used to turn into a baby round her, let her make him tea, cook his breakfast when the rest of the time he was capable!! So noting

GreenTulips · 15/12/2017 11:41

Annoying

paganmolloy · 15/12/2017 11:43

A simple "my house, my rules" said smiling and repeated to death. Or say "I wouldn't ask/tell you what to do in your own house coz it's rude". Your hubby needs to stand up to her as she is being rude. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't need to visit so much.

Handsfull13 · 15/12/2017 11:45

You have a right to keep your house as you want it. If your husband had a problem then he does get a say but if he doesn't care and then it's up to you.
If your husband won't say anything then you are going to have to. I would start with simple polite comments
'I know you have it different in your house but this is how I like mine'
'Please don't by anymore products for here I prefer the ones I've choice, feel free to take those home with you'
'Can I ask why you want everything unlocked as I don't feel it's safe for my children and I'd like to see if I can make it more comfortable for you for us to keep them locked.'
'I'm sorry the tap is a pain for you but we are getting the bathroom done soon and it will be too expensive to get it changed before then'

If she persists with being over bearing become more blunter with her.
'We've talked about this now please stop trying to change the choices I have made'
'If you won't except my decisions then maybe you shouldn't come and stay and we'll just have to visit you.
Hopefully either she stops or your husband steps in before it gets any further.

Eliza9917 · 15/12/2017 11:47

curryforbreakfast
She sounds like your average M/MIL. You need to just chill a bit.

My mum and MIL don't do things like this.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 15/12/2017 11:52

Ppeat. I also shove everything in and guess what it looks absolutely fine maybe e you need to take the leaf out if her book on that and save it yourself time.

I wouldn't start to change my routine in my own honey to accommodate someone's quirks that's madness

HandbagCrazy · 15/12/2017 12:02

First of all, pick your battles. Having her call your house cluttered is a small thing I would just ignore.

With others - she buys you things you don't want? Hand them back while helpfully explaining you won't use it and don't want it to go to waste. Don't explain why as that invites discussion.
She leaves the door unlocked? You lock it and say "me and DH have agreed it needs to stay locked." End of conversation. If she turns to your DH for help, either he will agree with you (so hopefully problem solved), or he'll disagree with you (and then you'll realise you have bigger problems than the front door).
When she tells you to organise cupboards - "no MIL. They're our cupboards, leave them alone." Again, no explanation or discussion.

No need for a big confrontation, but you do need to find a way to manage her visits before the resentment takes over.